Friday, 7 August 2009

In which we attempt to hypnotise a lemon

Ah, the opportunities for entertainment in a slightly peculiar rental property in Normandy are almost limitless.

Why, just last night, the CFO discovered this esoteric, self-published tome lurking near the bizarrely comprehensive selection of adhesives:

It is very wonderful, and filled with illustrations like this:

Being a rigorous empiricist , he was insistent that we try out the first exercise, "Mummification", apparently the first step to become a proficient, uh, judeochristian-hypno-mystic-healer. You will be happy to hear that we have also made hats for, and given names to, all the pre-pubecent girl in a ball statues and I will be showcasing them soon. We know how to party on holiday and no mistake.

The full instructions are here and contain elements of French vocabulary that you will doubtless find invaluable when trying to get to the station or rent a bicycle:

Let me give you the edited highlights in English.

Firstly, the author suggest that as a in order to practise your magical powers, you first try and mummify something. The link between hypnotism and mummification is not entirely satisfactorily explained [not at all]. But why not. Of course! Ideally, one should first experiment with mummifying a lemon, orange or piece of meat. Apparently these are easier than fish or eggs. Interesting. We did not consider our powers sufficiently well developed to test the meat. Perhaps next time.

We chose a lemon. Of course, since this is rigorous science, you also require a Control Lemon (or citron témoin).

Figure 1: The Lemons

Figure 2: The Control Lemon

Figure 3: The Mummification Candidate Lemon

Next, take your Control Lemon and place it somewhere far away, where it will not suffer the effects of your Intense Vibrations otherwise you might be so powerful you inadvertently mummify it too!

We dealt with this risk by placing our Control Lemon in the barbecue (not lighted).

Figure 4

Next! Take your lemon and place your closed fists over it.

Then open them as if projecting magnetic energy onto the lemon. Keep your open hands over the lemon for a while [unspecified] whilst concentrating on the desired goal: MUMMIFICATION.

Figures 5-7

Apparently we have to repeat this tomorrow. And for 'several days' [not specified]. The time required will be proportional to our natural magnetism. Huh. But! Eventually we should see our lemon dry out and harden - our lemon will be mummified! Then we will be able to keep it for years to amaze friends and family and as a testament to our healing powers.

Are you not excited at the living breathing science taking place on this weblog tonight? Will anyone join us in attempting to mummify citrus fruits? Why, it could practically be a whole class at the fête in and of itself.

Tune in tomorrow for more LEMON NEWS, but I've just had a sneak peek at mummification lemon and...

Figure 8: Before

Figure 9: After


Jojo said...

I'm not *entirely* sure (it is possible that tears of hysterical laughter are obstructing my vision) but Mummification Lemon actually looks slightly less traumatised in the later pictures.

Could you have picked a sado-masochistic citrus in error?

Helena Halme said...

You are truly having fun on holiday aren't you? Please do not go anywhere more exciting next year as I will not be able to guarantee control of my physical functions. (Face has already contorted into unrecognisable shape)

Mya said...

Love it!
The stress is clearly showing in the pinched expression of mummification lemon figure 2.
He was probably expecting a nice beach holiday in Normandy - maybe a dip into a nice G&T...but probably not mummification.

Mya x

Fat Controller said...

Why is bonkers French even more entertaining to read than even bonkers English? Is there a scientific explanation for that?

pinklea said...

I don't think I'm very magnetic, but I wanna mummify lemons too! I just don't have any in the house - can I try with lemon juice do you think?

WV is "mushe" - surely the opposite of mummification?

Sinda said...

Emma! You are NOT concentrating hard enough!

Put DOWN the keyboard and FOCUS on your citrus fruit.

I expect better results tomorrow. Dr. Capybara will not be pleased AT ALL.

Iheartfashion said...

You're brilliant!

Artichoke Queen said...

Hey, the CFO's got a nice tan going, hasn't he? Does the poor control lemon have to stay in the BBQ all this time? I am a little worried about his wellbeing. We don't want the RSPCL on your back.

Jon in France said...

Hmmm... nothing in the book that mentions bandaging? I'm sure that was an integral part of mummification when I was at school.

Mind you, I went to a comprehensive.

Personally, I think the resistive powers of lemons to hypnotic suggestion are far stronger than the author of that book estimes. I would have started with a more suggestively inclined fruit or vegetable.

An onion, perhaps.Or an avacado.

Given the prediliction of shops and supermarkets to stock only those avacados sufficiently hard to be useful in stoning someone to death, any book that gave a technique that could hypontise them into ripeness quickly enough for me to make gaucamole from the buggers for this evening would sell to me.

Jaywalker said...

Jojo - all too likely. Do you think that invalidates the experiment? Does it matter whether the lemon is enjoying it? I must consult the book.

Helena - oh, the fun never stops. One year we had a contest to see who would be able to photograph the most hideous woman and dog combo on the Côte d'Azur. We nearly got arrested.

Mya - he is The Chosen Lemon. Noone said being the chosen one was going to be fun.

Fat Controller - aha; that is because you can imagine Voltaire spinning in his grave with a special cul de chat face when they talk such nonsense.

Pinklea - try it! Report back! Is in one of those Jif lemons? Even better! Or maybe you can be the brave soul that tries MEAT?

Iheart - er, possibly. This was actually all the CFO's idea.

AQ - he is RIDICULOUSLY tanned. I am still cowering inside cultivating my blue white complexion, after last year's disastrous Isle of Wight frecklestravaganza that took me all year to get rid of.

Jon - it would be interesting, certainly. Avocados are tricky creatures at the best of times though, and I'm not sure whether they would be particularly susceptible. Do try it for us.

Lucy Fishwife said...

I have alerted the Citrus Welfare Board. You may not be aware that this is exactly how young lemons are coerced into the "entertainment" business, later being forced to turn to prostitution due to their low self-esteem. Shame on you. It's not, however, too late to extend a caring hand to these poor fruits. Take that step.

Anonymous said...

And here I thought my lemons and oranges in my kitchen were shriveling up because I'd been ignoring them under a heat vent for a week, but it must be my powerful magnetic/psychic mystical energy causing them to mummify, all the same time. I wish I had known I was a batty French nondenominational Judeo-Christian-hypno-mystic healer before now; I could have done two tours and be swimming in money now.