Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Destruction sweepstake

On the swooping bipolar scale of apocalypse management we seem to run on currently, where a good day is denial and camaraderie, coupled with joint mockery of the spawn and the local yeomen and a bad day is everyone curled up in a foetal position next to the microwave crying, today is really not so bad. I didn't get lost on the ringroad (indeed, we even saw a camel), we appear to still have one functioning credit card, Fingers taught me some extraordinary techtonik moves and there has been more sunshine than I expected to have all week. My internal barometer, however, is set to swirling, nineteenth century consumptive fog. It's only really sleep deprivation and the hundred and ninety three Wall-E stickers Fingers has required me to stick in precise alignment for him this afternoon. I should just go for a brisk walk and get over myself.

In the interests of getting over myself, and since I am averse to even the mildest forms of exercise, I thought we could play a little game. It's called: what priceless bibelot do you think will we break first?

Ready to play? Yeah!

Will it be number 1, the near life sized stork, uh, receptacle?

Number 2, fearful porcelain rabbit?

(there is something, is there not, about the rabbit's cowering posture that suggests it has its suspicions who will be first to go)

Number 3 - Creepy, pre-pubescent girl in a ball?

or Number 4, the galleon motif ostrich egg?

Roll up! Place your bets! I know something priceless will be shattered. It's just a matter of what, and when. And oh, the white sofas, and the strictures from the agency that the owners are very particular about the preservation of their textiles. Short of covering all sofas and chairs in barbed wire and electric fencing, we all know how this will end, don't we? Without even mentioning this kind of thing at convenient karate height:

Incidentally, as I was tottering around hotly and crossly taking these photos, I saw this:

curled up in a bowl, for all the world like a dead weasel. I was quite startled. Why would you do this? Why? WHY? Ugh, imagine putting your hand into your handbag and finding this. It would be like an escapee white dreadlock but FATTER.

The rest of the household will be back soon, so it must be time for me to spend a short while contemplating dying alone and having my face eaten off by rabid weasels. Never let it be said that I don't know how to have fun on holiday. Non, mais.


Red Shoes said...

Amazing bric-a brac! Who owns that house? A bunny abusing child molester? Creepy, indeed.

Jenny said...

Break no.3...please.It's the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long while.Do not let it be inflicted on anyone else.Don't think I'd like to meet the owners.

Mya said...

Smash all of them with a baseball bat now!I agree with Redfox - which freak owns that house? Are you sure there aren't two way mirrors and webcams secreted about the place?

Mya x

Mya said...

Of course, I mean red shoes. That weasel tail keyring had me cruising on a hairy vermine plane...as you do.

Iheartfashion said...

Yes, you'd be doing the world a favor in allowing the children to smash number 3 to smithereens! Yuck.

redfox said...

I hope it will be 3, but suspect it will actually be 2.

I like the way that "I didn't get lost on the ringroad (indeed, we even saw a camel)" suggests that seeing a camel is the very opposite of getting lost. So far from getting lost were we, we saw a camel!

Sarah said...

My money is firmly on the ostrich egg- the other items look like they could conceivably take a knock or two without shattering- but I agree with the others that it would be an unmitigated public service to obliterate all of it, particularly the horrifying Little Girl Violated piece.

On our recent holiday, my littlest darling decorated large swathes of the (white) walls and (pale yellow) upholstery with a red crayon- hope you have better luck or failing that, have used a now-defunct credit card to secure your rental deposit.

Anonymous said...

Dip all items in chocolate, place them carefully on the delicate textiles and THEN smash them with a baseball bat.

Marie said...

I am now singing "kill the wabbit" in an Elmer Fudd voice and imagine I will be doing so for days.

Grit said...

not the ostrich egg. it is too valuable. which ostrich gave birth to a painted egg? that ostrich would be worth a fortune. track it down. make it lay more eggs. exhibit it at shows. you would make a million with a damn fine ostrich like that.


The combined value of all the items is roughly 29p. Have a ball.

pinklea said...

All those items are hideous, full stop. But I think the stork thingy is the likeliest to go first, being large and - um - stork-like.

Elsie said...

Rental treasures. At our last vacation rental I found a box of teeth in the nightable (adult size, with fillings, about 35).

Jon in France said...

In the interests of improving the net average beauty of the world it should be the egg. But my money is with Pinklea's on the curious-and-previously-unknown-to-science stork / duck hybrid.

screamish said...

i recently saw a camel grazing on a green traffic island in the middle of a roundabout, near Salon de Provence, surrounded by Monsieur Bricolages and Aldi. Very surreal.

you never know, you might not break anything...then you can go home w the added sense of accomplishment...as if getting through this holiday isnt accomplishment enough (apocalpyse and all)

Anonymous said...

If the terrified bunny (which, as you say, has "victim" written all over it), cops it, perhaps you can claim that the sinister furry thing ate it???

westendmum said...

Did you go to a puce marché and buy all that stuff just to amuse us? Do people really own things like that? What happened to that rabbit, no one ever locked HER up safely at night did they?

Jaywalker - I've always wanted to go to Normandy, please show us where the Camembert makers live.

On second consideration were those items actually tangible manifestations of your thoughts?

Bis bis (this is the noise of a french pollen starved bee in Normandyaise)

Fat Controller said...

The bunny looks as if it is in the throes of constipation. Put it out of its misery.

Alternatively, have a game of 'blind man's bric-a-brac' and see how much random damage you can do with a baseball bat whilst blindfolded.

My wv is 'rediallo'. Someone is having a laugh.

nadarine said...

No. 4: it's an EGGSHELL. Really. And the galleon motif will make it irresistible to tiny, break-making hands. Why, just look at all the pretty colors!

GingerB said...

Rid the world of any of those and improve your karma but if I have to pick one please put that girl out of my misery.

bevchen said...

I'm hoping for number 3 (pleeease smash that thing! If it doesn't happen by accident throw it out the window or something) but suspect number 1 will go first.

Jaywalker said...

Red Shoes - I know, I know. But the view! The beach! The high quality lounger things!

Jenny - what you don't realise from this picture it is that No. 3 is one of THREE crouching pre-pubescents. Classy.

Mya - There probably are. There's definitely something a bit creepy about the whole set up. I'm planning to go through their gigantic medicine cabinet today and diagnose.

Iheart - sadly the children don't seem to have even noticed it. Instead they are inexorably drawn to the white sofas when coated in ketchup and Nutella (so, always).

redfox - yes. you are right the camel does not necessarily follow quite naturally, however not getting lost AND seeing a small camel counts as a morning of unprecedented triumph.

Sarah - get this - they wouldn't take a credit card deposit. €3000 (yes, ridiculous) CASH.

Anon 1 - I may actually love you. The temptation is however now killing me.

Marie - sssh, I think the wabbut can hear you.

Grit - but they are so mean! And beady eyed. And I am already a troubled and neglectful weepette owner.

Jonathan - whilst I agree with your pithy assessment it was particularly emphasised to us that the owners are VERY VERY CONCERNED about the well being of their 'objets'.

Pinklea - you know, I might agree. Especially as it's on the floor.

Elsie - this made me laugh so much, and makes me keen to investigate further. Much further.

Jon - hmm. The egg has its very own little wooden egg stand. It's a thing of wonder.

Screamish - see? I didn't imagine it. There are camels outside every Darty and Hyper U in France.

Anon 2 - that furry fucker would definitely eat the rabbit. It's going to eat me one of these days; I just know it.

Westendmum - I absolutely swear I didn't. I could show you about 20 more in a similar vein without moving my lazy arse from this shiny white sofa.

Fat Controller - the bunny has miximatosis probably, doesn't it? It would definitely be a positive thing for public health, both physical and mental.

nadarine - yes! See how pretty they are! So pretty in a million tiny shards all over the floor!

GingerB - I fear she is made from some kind of ROCK. I might be able to strike her head off with a hammer though. Hmm. Tempting.

Bevchen - your choice is a wise one. Watch out stork!

London City Mum said...

Overall it begs the question: if the owners are so particular about their possessions and possible associated (and, in my view, necessary) breakage of their treasured items and/or defacement (does this word exist? I may have just made it up) of totally inappropriately coloured furnishings, they WHY do they rent their house out in the first place? Maybe they are sado-masochists at heart... certainly the items you have photographed would validate this to some extent.

fabhat said...

If there are three prepubescents - perhaps using them for a game of boule - with the egg as the jack would be appropriate...

Layla said...

I agree with Red shoes and Mya that the owners are clearly very odd, and the key is the weasel-tail key ring.
It is obviously intended for retro 70s stye wife-swapping parties where everyone puts their keys in a big bowl..

You are living in the HQ of the Swingeurs de Normandie...whatever you do, don't invite any of the neighbours round for a drink, or accept any invitations from them, or you will, in the name of politeness and cultural interchange, be forced to undergo an unspeakable sexual ordeal at the hands of a man who has a thing for furry key-rings, and probably likes to use them as sex toys.

You have been warned.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday!