Thursday, 30 July 2009

Tawdry shallow shopping stories

Time is short, braincells are few and far between, I am still approximately 76% cocktail (and shortly to engineer a top up in a bar that promises bacon flavoured popcorn, apparently) but I must tap out a few halting sentences for you, because I have a compulsion and all that. Please, if any of you see M, don't tell her I am doing this because she is waiting for me to write something for her, and she has already called me "punk ass" and mentioned something about "encule"ing Thursday and I am quite scared of her.

Where was I? Oh yes, compulsion, writing. I have bought some stuff. I thought I could tell you about it, because I am extremely shallow and that kind of thing makes me happy.

First I bought books. Books are NOT shallow, and because I was drunk shopping I appear to have believed myself to have some sort of intellectual standards. Rather than buying something with a nice cover and a decent review on the back, I have bought two books of poetry (I KNOW. Poetry normally scares me) Louis MacNeice and the collected Auden (after Prog Rock's extensive quoting made me cry). I have bought Susie Orbach's Bodies (that is the name of the book, I have not actually visited her self-service mortuary) and I have bought an interesting book about how awful the French are by LucyWadham (ok, she probably wouldn't agree with that pithy summary). The former has a slight hint of the Oliver James in its assertion that the way you were handled and treated in infancy overwhelmingly informs your attitude to your body, but Orbach manages to present this in a much more thoughtful, less judgmental way. She has lips, too. Also there are case studies which are good for the terminally shallow and easily distracted like me. The Secret Life of the French was very evocative for me, since Wadham has lots of anecdotes about weeping in Paris as a young mother when everyone was being horrible to her that could have been drawn straight from my life (except noone invited me to discreet orgies, I was more often in pitched battle with the dry cleaner).

Next, I bought Girl Stuff you can't get in Belgium - ridiculous snake oil body creams (I am ashamed to say I have bought something called "Bottoms Up! A Butt Lift in a Box". My mind becomes a frothing mass of desire when I see the (made up) word "Adiposlim" and the promise "Zap Cellulite" even though the only thing it is actually proven to do is make me £99 poorer), Armani cosmetics (they are absolute best for me. Number 21 sheer lipstick is genius, as is the Face Fabric foundation), Origins Ginger Body Scrub. I have been applying them one on top of the other until they all peel off in unappealing grey flakes. I really do know how to live.

Finally, having very sweetly been gifted a ticket to a Stella McCartney private sale, my brain went into meltdown at the outrageously good reductions (80% off!) and the heady promise of the second floor "VIP Room" (ha) and I bought a dress. A nice black dress. But! This dress is the clothing equivalent of advanced Sudoku. Initially, it took me about ten minutes to work out how to get it over my head (in a communal changing room with several coltish moddle types). It has several layers and loops and decoy sleeves. I made an attempt to put it on and looked at myself in the mirror. It looked like I had a family of flying foxes hanging off my chest in a way that might have been ridiculous, or might have been merely edgy. I was unable to establish which so turned to a salesgirl for help.

"Am I doing this right?"

"No. It goes like this, then this, then this". With amazing sleight of hand she bundled me up into the dress in an entirely different way. It was a definite improvement, with only 2 flying foxes decorously draped at the front. However, the sleeves were definitely cutting my circulation off.

"The sleeves are meant to be tight"

"Oh, Ok".

The rush of blood to the head caused by dress wrestling and the reduced circulation to my arms caused me to buy it. I will post a picture soon if I able to get it on by myself, and if I can't, I'll post a picture of myself trussed up ineptly in a cocoon of material. But EIGHTY PERCENT OFF.

I don't think this blog will be branching out into product reviews any time, will it? Belgian Waffle! Almost guaranteed not to sell your product!

17 comments:

pinklea said...

You bought a dress that you cannot get on by yourself, whose sleeves cut off your circulation, that was 80% off? Oh, okay. Breathlessly awaiting photos ...

Laura and Ben said...

Oooh, I LOVE trips to England to BUY THINGS!!! I recently brought back a whole suitcase of Tesco stuff - Mmm... Naan breads, Wispa bars, chunky bolognese sauce (why buy your own when Dolmio do the job so well?). Also, cereal for Ben - they sell it here but apparently the bags are the wrong colour so he won't try it.

Artichoke Queen said...

So, after I left you at breakfast yesterday, with 90 whole minutes to kill before my airport taxi, I did manage to hit Alberta Feretti. Where the dresses were 50% off. So I bought two more. So, four days in London reaped, in the end, three Alberta dresses, one Moschino dress, half the inventory in Jo Malone, and some french deodorant. Yay! Shallowness rules. My WV is Whoot. Even WV is excited by shallowosity.

redfox said...

I too look forward to möbius dress photos.

Hooray for Girl Stuff. I often wonder how it happens that I spend SO MUCH money on clothing and cosmetics yet always look dowdy. It is a holy mystery. Perhaps the missing ingredient is Armani (but alas, suspect the actual missing ingredients are different body and skill in application of both clothes and creams). I love Chantecaille lipstick myself, but lately keep buying colors that turn out to be Wrongo.

M. said...

Punk ass. Do I need to call Dr. Capybara on you?

As your brain twin, I acquired Armani sheer lipstick in 6 just the other day. It does the exact same thing my beloved Aveda lip gloss used to do, but without the weird minty stickiness. I keep on putting it on, and eating it off. On, off, on off. On off on off on off.

Gah.

GingerB said...

Emma dear, did you learn nothing when you asked us how to feel better and we all said wear comfortable shoes? A dress that causes pain will only lead you back to the bar to numb yourself, which is of course a good place to show off your very sexy shoes, and is, perhaps, your goal. I am against pain of any but the mental variety, so I shun clothes such as yours. Also, I am probably dowdy and unkempt most of the time, but still. You better post the picture of you wearing it.

Iheartfashion said...

Yes, dying to see the Stella dress!
And a product review of Butt Lift in a Box please.

Red Shoes said...

Oooh, uncomfortable, unfairly designed, recklessly slash-priced designer dress! I am sick with envy. Seriously. That's how stupid I am.

I'm also devastatingly curious about the Armani cosmetics you speak of. I remember you mentioning the Face Fabric foundation once before and me having to turn my head and screw my eyes closed tight so as not to read about how gloriously it works on your skin since it is way, way outside my price range and therefore, unobtainable and completely obsessionworthy.

Bah.

But good job on the shallow shopping! I will live vicariously through your tawdriness.

westendmum said...

You're shopping like a pute Waffle!
Excellent, keep up the good work. x

Clarity said...

Frankly its refreshing to come across that is NOT selling something and just is.

Hope that next time you come to London, MY local Patisserie Valerie will be more pleasing, my birthday cake from there is posted on my blog.

Who is "M" and why she is she calling you a ... you know?

Mwa said...

A good saving gets me to buy stupid stuff every.time.

mysterycreature said...

I cannot wait to see this dress! I just wrote a post about the insanity that befalls us female of the species in the presence of a good sale. You have just proved me right :P

Jaywalker said...

Pinklea - I will definitely do ridiculous photos. I look like a puzzled bat in it.

Laura and Ben - YES. The more mundane and bulky the better. Cereal is a classic and one I often fall for.

Artichoke Queen - you are a fucking shopping NINJA. Yay! Also the dresses are beautiful.

Redfox - I am something of a girl fail too so Armani MUST have magic powers.

M - yes. Send the uberrodent. It's all I deserve. Problem with Armani: you get addicted and they only have about 4 stockists. Pff.

Ginger - no. You are quite correct; I learnt NOTHING. I am missing the part of my brain that does that. Also SALE. Sale beats psychological insight any day.

Iheart - it wil be my very great pleasure to do that. Promise.

RedShoes - I will send you a tube for your birthday. Goddam; I am giving them a wafflespecial advertorial! They should be showering me with freebies. Or not.

W1Mum - I am! And as a result we can't get any money out in Normandy and will have to live on seaweed and stones. But it was worth it.

Clarity - M is the terrifying other half of my brain. She does actually exist though, and isn't a figment of my imagination. What's your local? Spitalfields does the best cappucino in the world.

Mwa - bless you my child.

mysterycreature - oh, I promise you will see it. and probably laugh until you fall over. But Stella! 80% off!

M. said...

Yes, but the Armani concession at the Printemps Beauté is ACE. It is all dark and sleek and the strange, bony sun damaged lady at the counter smiles. She asked me if she could perfume me for the day, and slipped me a big sample of their luminous silk foundation. Which I hear from Z list celebrity sister is the best.
Apparently they are stocked at Jenners, which is pretty convenient.

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