Saturday, 11 July 2009

Parenting fail #3589446

A postscript to the last post.

The tram museum, with wearying inevitability, turns out to be shut and the children arrive back far earlier than expected as I am finalising my biscuits. They whirl in, like heat seeking missiles and cram them into their mouths before I have time to subtly scrape the text off the centre, or otherwise conceal my activities.

"Mômaaan? Pourquoi il y a écrit fook sur ce biscuit?"

"Et pourquoi coont sur celui ci?"

"Ca veut dire quoi bow locks?" (*)

"Er. I was just testing all the letters in Fingers' kit to check they worked. Those are not actual words. They are just groups of letters. Now, um, eat up. Quickly".

(*Why does it say fook on this biscuit? And why coont on this one? What does bow locks mean? Thankfully their heavy Franco-belge accents mean that the words on the biscuits were not instantly recogniseable as the things they hear me saying whilst trying to park, or cleaning weepette vomit off the rug)


Razorkitty said...

Vomiting with laughter x

Liberty London Girl said...

I actually now live in a household where bowlocks is an actual word. Yup am living in Franglais world. LLGxx

Anonymous said...

I am there with Razorkitty!! I nearly choked!

Summer Kinard said...


Kate Lord Brown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marie said...

Brilliant. Suggest you record children's questions as advertising jingle for Arse Biscuits, in Von Trapp Family style chorus.

Persephone said...

Actually I'm relieved. I had the false impression from your last post (don't ask me how; I clearly wasn't reading very closely, being distracted by the biscuits) that you had made a family afternoon out of it. I had a disturbing mental image of one little boy helping find the letters and other popping the finished products in the oven....

H said...

Ahh, asking Americans to say "Bollocks" is one of my favourite things. Always bowlacks, no matter how hard they try. (Sorry American friends, I still love you.)

Marinka said...

Coont is now my favorite word.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I say Scheiße instead of shit, and to this day my kids think it's just another way to say schnitzel.

Putting off that trip to Germany for a bit, though. I'd hate to see what happens when they try to order scheize at a restaurant.

Rachel Green said...

Oh! How amusing. Thank you!

Kate Lord Brown said...

Genius. Les bowlocks du chien. Please sell through etsy ('Teatime Tourettes?') - have various short sighted relatives would love to serve these to.

Mrs Jones said...

I am so with Persephone on this - I also somehow envisaged you having assistance from the boys! Am relieved to discover you didn't. Also Kate Lord Brown's idea of making batches and selling them on Etsy (or Folksy in England) is GENIUS! You'll make a fortune!!

I leave you with this -

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Genius, JW, so funny - Beats Gordon's potty mouth and wrinkles any day!

Lucy Fishwife said...

The reverse version of this - persuading Mr Fishwife not to utter the name "Antoine de Caunes" aloud as his less-than-serviceable French accent means he is calling this arguably talented actor/writer/presenter something quite rude.

Can I have some of those biscuits? Do the words still come out legible after baking?

K.Line said...

This is genius hilarious. Laughing soooo hard.

Mya said...

I want some. Can I suggest 'wanker', fuckwit' and 'slapper'to add to your collection? Send a packet to the WI...they might ask you to be their Belgian ambassador.

Mya x

Elsie said...

Very wonderful post- have persuaded daughter to add these stamps to her wedding registry - screw the waterford goblets.

Anonymous said...

By the way, when did 'Things' become 'Stuff'? Did I miss an episode??

Waffle said...

Razorkitty - appropriate. Biscuits have similar effect.

LLG - aie. Bienvenue.

CA, Summer - I was laughing too, in a wrong, wrong inappropriate way. Which just made them more insistent.

Marie - I can hear this jingle in my head now, with the clear bell-like voices of the children mispronouncing obscentities. Beautiful.

Persephone - apparently even I have some limits, if you look hard enough..

Helena - french people too! Endless fun.

Marinka - I feel my work here is done, then.

Andrea - you'll just have to tell them it's dialect or something..

Leatherdykeuk - it's my great pleasure.

Kate Lord Brown - Teatime Tourettes is so blindingly brilliant that I think I should gift you the biscuit printing set and let you do it. The name is everything.

Mrs Jones - er, no. Not since Lashes learnt to read, sadly.

Woman - why thank you. That wouldn't be hard though, would it. Brrrr.

Lucy - see below. Some of them were very successful and others less so. Fuck worked well. It's all about optimal depth of printing.

Kline - eek, thank you.

Mya - yes, making them into the perfect gift pack of insult biscuits. I had a request for 'you are a twat' too.

Elsie - quite right too and MUCH cheaper. Only €10 with petit beurre shaped biscuit cutter, letters, and two pressing thingies. The perfect gift.

Anon - pfff, semantics. How about: 'Hideous, lengthy dark night of shitness'. Will that do?

The Spicers said...

Wonderful! I love the Teatime Tourettes business idea. I think there's a lot of potential there.

Margarita @ said...

OMG that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Poor children.... lmao!

bonnie-ann black said...

i am searching the worldwide internets, and can't seem to find a place to order those bisquit (cookie) stampers anywhere.


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