Friday, 10 July 2009

Panic

Oh god, everyone hates me I have become boring and repetitive and self-absorbed and my obsessive, try-hard, people pleasing brain is on the verge of exploding with the horror of it. Please! Don't go! I can still be funny, honest. It's just, there is Stuff that is ongoing in the Waffledome, as I have mentioned. The Stuff is taking up a considerable part of my head. And the Stuff that is ongoing cannot be written about. Apart from anything else, if I write about the Stuff, they we have to talk about what I have written about the Stuff and on we go in a dismal, cannibalistic cycle until we both get Stuff CJD (thanks Trish).



So. I have still got it, I promise. Or perhaps I haven't, but I can get it back! Look! *Emma performs a frankly pathetic little dance of craven insecurity*



Just, select a topic from the list below and I will write something funny about it in the manner of a performing seal. It's hell being this insecure, I tell you.



1. Heredity



2. Therapy



3. Academics' children



4. Gwyneth's latest Goop missive which features DETOX. Again.



Or alternatively, I could write rude biscuit poetry using Finger's new biscuit printing set.


The choice is yours! I crave your approval like the fawning, spiritual only child I am.

35 comments:

Robert Hudson said...

You are a very funny seal whatever fish you are balancing on your nose. I'm all for the biscuits.

Cussing Fan said...

I second the biscuit printing. On the condition that it contains inappropriate and unnecessary swearing.

screamish said...

biscuit poetry definitely.

...are you sure you're not australian? taking the piss out of ourselves is a favourite form of humour. but the older i get the more i reckon you have to be careful of the self depreciating vibes you send out into the cosmos. nothing wrong with being boring now and then.

redfox said...

Any and all of the above. I have a weird fascination with detox and fasting and other weird food regimes that supposedly do glorious supernatural things to your insides. I don't actually pursue them, but still find them strangely intoxicating to contemplate, even though I realize that they are INSANE. This fascination probably comes from the eating disorder part of my psyche, but all that weird messing about with one's food and demented attention to purity is strangely enticing. Then my enticement is generally canceled out by snobbery and hunger and I eat what I would have eaten anyway. Anyway, I suppose that is to say that would pick GOOP first. But all sound good to me.

I am deeply intrigued by this strange biscuit printer. How does it work? Where can I get one? Is it like one of those label printers except somehow with edible label tape? All very mysterious.

Margarita said...

biscuit poetry. please. merci.

Potty Mummy said...

Biscuits! Biscuits! Biscuits! (Can you tell it's the first day of Boy #1's summer holidays and I am already in the depths of despair?)

livesbythewoods said...

Biscuit poetry, obviously. Preferably limericks.

I'll start you off:

There was a young lady from Nantes...

Kirsten said...

You have an admirer in Louisiana, if that helps with the need for approval...or not!? I will read daily whatever you write, you are clever, witty, and flawed. Keep up the good work, ennui can wait.

Anonymous said...

Dear Wafflette
Please know how much we all love you.

Whatever you write about will keep your fans happy. I'm sure you know that as we all keep coming back day after day and sometimes even twice a day.

Maxine said...

Escapades de weepette, s'il vous plait.

fabhat said...

rude biscuit poetry please - about academics children.

Anonymous said...

biscuit!

WV: cuffings

Nina said...

Biscuit poetry sounds like a new art form.
Edible art! Yum.

Don't make me go all Bridget-Jones "You are fine as you are" on you.

LĂ©onie said...

I love your quiter, thoughtful posts, and I think everyone else does as well. They're just less conducive to frantic commenting than the funny ones. I think you should write whatever you feel like writing, it's all bloody brilliant.

(I still read, just am less commenty these days. Yours is always the first blog I check.)

xxxx

Red Shoes said...

I KNOW! Where IS everyone, I keep asking?? I don't think it's you, darling. You are your same wonderful, compelling, glorious self. I think it's Summer. Everyone seems to be all OUT, DOING THINGS. At least that's my perception.

Also, we are all equally insecure attention-mongers and especially like when you respond to comments, I think. When Stuff is better and you have more much time to stroke us on the head for good comment behavior, I think that you will find more nice comment-validation. Who knows.

All I can really say with certainty is that you are still my favorite blogger ever, that your stats are probably ruined by my incessant visits and page refreshing, and that I love you dearly. You don't have to be funny. You just have to be you. Promise.

Iheartfashion said...

I'll read whatever you write. You are a daily addiction jaywalker. But I'd love to hear your version of GOOP! And being the child of academics, as I am one myself.

reen said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Red Shoes' comment.

Biscuits s'il vous plait!!

(WV "hilli," all of our lives can get that way)

deililly said...

Insanity, biscuits, insanity biscuits, marvelling at the madness of Gynnie's goop, anything you like really. Will read. And probably even comment since your blog plays a bit better with me now. (wait for it not posting this one)

Liberty London Girl said...

Like you even had to ASK eejit.

BISCUITS

Duh

With weepette porn too please

LLGxx

Z said...

What? But your last post took my breath away so that I couldn't comment, so simply linked to it instead. I can't bear that you say you're boring, like a Size Zero complaining how fat she is. You couldn't be boring unless you tried. Please don't be insecure. Tell yourself you're damn good until you believe it. Act confident until you are.

Elsie said...

I read your blog first thing every morning and last thing at night (after toothbrushing because I still use a sink). It doesn't matter what you write, it always adds something to the day. Intrigued by the biscuit painting, too - I once bought my sons a "sandwich brander" that burnt cartoon faces onto toast.

kathycastro said...

You have a biscuit writer, Elsie has a sandwich brander, I see a Fete category coming on: Imprinted Food!

I would like to see biscuit poetry, please. Rude biscuit poetry, if that wasn't already obvious.

Many thanks.

oystergirl said...

rude biscuit poetry, please, and I second the weepette porn if you have the time. Merci mille fois.

westendmum said...

I think everyone is having a bit of a time of it at the mo. Hope things work out ok poppet. Maybe you could moonlight on another blog and drop clues like biscuit crumbs for us Gretels to find you.
Completely unrelated to anything:
What does 'minceur' mean and do anti-cellulite creams actually work?
There was a fire on Dean Street today, the whole area is cordoned off, dazed and confused Groucho goers.
Have you ever thought 'Anonymous' may actually be an identity.

(Very) Lost in France said...

Another one for biscuit poetry. FAB!

Nimble said...

No need to panic. Here are two ideas:

1. Remember, most of us don't live in Belgium and rely on you for on the spot reporting and commentary. Any overheard conversations lately?

2. You could write on Schmutzie's 7/6 topic: What strange belief/idea did you have as a child?

Bisous!

mountainear said...

Biscuits please.

And if you were ever to do a biscuit poll my vote would be for those pink wafers.

Fat Controller said...

As a child of an academic, now at last receiving therapy, I feel bound to say...

BISCUIT PRINTING!!!!!!

(And weepette porn)

The Wrath of Dawn said...

Bees-squee, silver plate.

And you are funny and charming regardless.

pogoism said...

Biscuit poetry! Please!

jools said...

Have missed you. Been nursing frozen shoulder,bronchitis,and weird rashes. May I suggest that lovely service where we give you our email address and your posts are automatically popped onto our screens?

GingerB said...

I would read you describing your navel lint, but your readers are right - some things lend themselves to more comments. Of course you must attend to your life, we understand, as long as you promise to never go away altogether.

Village Fete? Please?

screamish said...

i was thinking you could actually make biscuit runes and pick them out of a bag, and before eating them, consult the rune code on the biscuit and tell our fortunes.

is this a crap idea? i just woke up, may have dreamt it and thought it was great

Grit said...

well the consensus seems to be biscuit related but as squirrel, shark and tiger are all DOOMED as the children of an academic free-thinking parent (him, not me, i'd have the worksheets) i clearly need to know what's in store for them, and how much the therapy bill will come to.

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