Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Dr Capybara writes

Today I am introducing an exciting new feature. One which, you will doubtless be relieved to hear, does not feature me whining.

No. Today DR CAPYBARA will be taking up his new role as the Belgian Waffle Agony Rodent. Dr Capybara is to me as Deepak Chopra is to Gwynnie, a spiritual guide, a teacher, a friend. Dr Capybara has helped me through many dark times with his special brand of disapproval, irritation and rodent tough love and I want to share his unique gifts with you, my readers.

Dr Capybara recently helped a "Friend" of mine going through a tough patch, mired in self-doubt and fear and they have both kindly given me permission to reproduce the exchange here, for your benefit.

Dear Dr Capybara (wrote my Friend)

I am a 34 year old pony with no mane and a dodgy right fetlock. Is there any hope for me?

Lost in London

Dr Capybara writes

Dear Lost in London

Yes. There are a number of high quality synthetic manes on the market now, noone will be any the wiser. Continue to cultivate a distinctive pony smell. As for the fetlock, it should heal itself in 2 to 3 days. If it doesn't, seek the advice of your nearest vet, who may choose to drag you out into the street and shoot you.

Wisdom this succinct and pithy is hard to find. My Friend has gone off with renewed vigour in search of a pretty palomino faux mane and the humane killer. But now you too can benefit!

Submit your questions in the comments box and later today Dr Capybara will open his first clinic.


@Evitchka said...

Dear Dr Capybara, Thank God I have someone to turn to.
I am a male grey squirrel(originally from USA) who is part of the horde taking over Western Europe and wiping out the red squirrel. In UK there are millions of us. Now we are invading Europe and my pack has reached Belgium. I feel bad because everyone hates us and wants to get rid of us. So I am thinking of dyeing myself red and finding a red squirrel partner. I thought we could produce a hybrid that everyone could love.
I desperately need your advice for my predicament And any tips to find a pretty red female.
Outcast in South Belgium

Shuttlecock King said...

Dear Dr Capybara

My badminton coach has instigated a New Regime, which involves no more coaching. I am concerned that without coaching, humiliation beckons tonight. There are some mean, black-trainer-wearing badminton mother fuckers at my club. Especially the Chinese ones. Can you hit me with some words to inspire?

Thank you in advance

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

I am at my wits' end. I am surrounded by an ever expanding library of the half-read - wall to wall of beautiful, tempting unfinished books. Oh, I have tried - I just seem to lose it at twenty pages or so. I have incompletely read everything. Don't whatever you do tell me how they all end. I want to persevere - some of the things are looking at me now, screaming: "Yes, my mother died, wanna know what happened then?", "So I dreamt I was back at Manderley, come on you're dying to know!", Dante is the worst, he won't stop going on and on, around in circles. I am hopeless, I just can't fin

fabhat said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

I have to look reasonably smart for work but when it rains I end up looking like a dishevelled escaped lunatic, mostly due to my frizzball of hair. As I live in the UK - this happens a lot. I cannot use an umbrella as I always have to carry heavy things with me and I desperately need a stylish solution.
I've tried Souwesters, but they always blow away - should I invest in a pony to carry by heavy load, leaving me free to hide under an umbrella?

The City Road said...

Dr Capybara,

You wait ages for an unsympathetic agony rodent, and along comes one, all at once.

My question is this - I have to stand on a plinth for one hour, if you were me what would you do with the allotted time?

Yours in consternation...

Juci said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

My arse must be stuck to the couch because I can't seem to get up all day. Manchild is most unhappy about this and keeps dragging toys and the same two idiotic books to me in the hopes that I shall do something to entertain him, but I fail and he entertains himself by hitting my head and various delicate body parts with said objects.
Please advise. (Terminating pregnancy, although it would do wonders for my energy level, is not an option.)

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