Sunday, 26 July 2009

The Capybara Clinic

At last! Doctor Capybara has emerged from his burrow and he is Not. Amused. Anyone who dared bother him with a question, here are your answers. And don't say we didn't warn you.

Dear Dr Capybara,

I've been seeing Thomasina (name changed for personal safety) for about 5 weeks. She is dull and a bit weird and might be getting a bit too attached. But the sex is good and regular. How long is it ok to sleep with her before I become a cad? Or is it ok to be a cad, what with the swine flu, the recession, England winning the Ashes and all.

West London

Dear Jim,
"The sex is good and regular". What are you, 73? Go get yourself a real affair and come back when you have something interesting to say for yourself. And NO, that doesn't involve cricket.


Dr Cap,
Two questions have been troubling Tigerbaps for some time.

1) If helium is lighter than air, is it free to post a helium balloon? (inflated, and if size doesn’t matter)

2) Is there *really* a god? If so, why would he make you look like that? Why Dr Cap? Is it that thing where if somebody’s fat you can say (oh but she’s got such a pretty face and she’s sooo cheery) or if you’re ugly, people say ‘yes but they’re so kind hearted and cheery’ I’m not saying you’re ugly, but I’ve put your photo on the mantelpiece to keep the weans away from the fire.

Thanks Dr Cap – look forward to your considerations.

Moist Regards


Dear Tigerbaps,

1) Everyone knows helium is only good for imitating chipmunk voices. Are you a chipmunk? If so, get out of my sight.

2) No, there is no god. Gods are mere crutches to give meaning to your petty bourgeois existences. "Mantelpiece". Pah. PS: your cat will eat YOUR face when you die old and alone.

3) "Moist". You might want to have that looked at. I can prescribe an ointment.


Dear Dr C,

I pine for life in another country, one that offers nationalized health care and ten, I mean six, weeks of vacation. Barring that I pine for life in the city instead of the country, where I might have access to exotic foods and Swedish mass-produced furniture. But even if I were to find a job in another country, my husband would be miserable and I would miss my family; and I cannot afford to move to the city. What should I do?


Small Country Rodent

Dear Small Country Rodent,

Stop whining?


Dear Dr. C,

There is a man who seems v interested in me but keeps canceling dates. Is it permissible to cut his nuts off?

DS Club Member

Dear DS Club Member,

But of course, dear lady. You are a woman after my own heart. Are you furry and disapproving?


Cher Dr. Capy

Je m'appelle Gerald. I am la fouine who occupies the roof space of tortuous, loud, frequently stinky out of city famille. The breeding season, c'est maintenant...these espece de peau du porc leave me no peace..du conseil?

Dear Gerald,

I have no idea what you are talking about. You are wasting my time, and everybody else's time.

Kind regards,

Dr C.


Dear Dr Capybara

My ex husband broke up with his girlfriend and has rented a flat on my street. The SAME street we lived in together. I find this so bonkers as to be amusing. But what do you advise?


Dear Randall,

You obviously have me confused for a real estate agent. Punk.


Dear Dr Capybara,

I send my long distance lover erotic photos of me in my underwear, and he sends back short, terse messages about his grouting and vermin problems . Is he just not that into me?

Pathetic Female

Dear Pathetic Female,

Also, remove your socks when taking erotic photos of yourself.
You will do us all a favour.


Dear Dr Capybara

Can you play cricket for us today? My team is two men short.



Dear Robbie

Dr Capybara does not believe in cricket. It is entirely imaginary. However, he does believe in tea and cake. In fact, he is going to have some now. Out of my way, you foppish punk.


DS Club Member said...

Dr C, appreciate the counsel. Am not furry, but can be VERY disapproving, so if you ever require a short holiday I'd be happy to step in to sort some of these moaners out.

redfox said...

Hooray for Dr Capybara! I must observe that Tigerbaps' aesthetic sense seems to have been damaged in some way. How very tragic to not be able to appreciate the noble mien of a capybara.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Dr Capybara, we worship at your feet, ummm... your claws? Errr, your whiskers??!

To where must I send my cheque now, to enrol in your World Mission?

DeeGF said...

Dr Cap,

I applaud your astute wisdom and electrifying
intolerance. Only you could have recognised that
twaddle as...err...twaddle. Truly you are the MOST rodential
of all oversized rodents.


Gerald (most weaselly of all medium sized weasels)

Tigerbaps said...

You're a bawbag, Dr Cap. I doubt you have the correct credentials to be dispensing advice to wafflewhores such as I. May I see your certificates? NB. A 'Certificate of Attendance' for a one day seminar on Life Coaching won't cut the mustard with me. Good day to you.
Much Love, Tigerbaps
PPS: You'd look cool in a jimmyhat.

Robert Hudson said...

As it happens, I found a successful comic actor and a very posh Irishman. Or imagined them. Thank you for all help and encouragement, though. It got me through a difficult time.

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