Tuesday, 7 July 2009

The Capybara Clinic

Dr Capybara: Even with a monkey on his head he still has time not to give a shit about your ridiculous problems.

Many of you have sought Dr Capybara's advice. If he hasn't selected your question, it's because he can't be bothered with it. Try again next time, or don't. Dr Capybara can't bring himself to care either way.

Dear Dr Capybara,

Thank God I have someone to turn to.
I am a male grey squirrel (originally from USA) who is part of the horde taking over Western Europe and wiping out the red squirrel. In UK there are millions of us. Now we are invading Europe and my pack has reached Belgium. I feel bad because everyone hates us and wants to get rid of us. So I am thinking of dyeing myself red and finding a red squirrel partner. I thought we could produce a hybrid that everyone could love.
I desperately need your advice for my predicament And any tips to find a pretty red female.

Outcast in South Belgium

Dr C says:

Dear Outcast in South Belgium,

You call this a predicament? You're cute and furry and kids chase you in delight. Nobody points at YOU and squeals "Is that a giant hamster?", do they? Go find yourself some nuts and stop bothering me.


Dear Dr Capybara

My badminton coach has instigated a New Regime, which involves no more coaching. I am concerned that without coaching, humiliation beckons tonight. There are some mean, black-trainer-wearing badminton motherfuckers at my club. Especially the Chinese ones. Can you hit me with some words to inspire?

Shuttlecock King

Dr C says:

Dear Shuttlecock King,

Badminton is not a real sport. If you're trying to avoid humiliation, try finding a slightly less ridiculous pseudonym.


Dear Dr Capybara

I am having revenge fantasies about my ex-lover. Is that wrong? If not can you suggest some really horrible ones?

Bitter and twisted

Dr C says:

Dear Bitter and twisted,

Who's to say what's wrong or right? These distinctions are outdated and no longer relevant in our urban, modern environments. You need to focus on your emotions. Do you want to kick him in the shins? Then go for it. I suggest metal toe capped boots. Do you want to feel that warm, smug glow from acting like a responsible, condescending grown up woman? Then pat him gently on the head, smile benignly and say "It's alright. Maybe one day, you'll find someone who will love you for who you truly are".


Why Dr Capybara are 96% of the world's most poisonous snakes in Australia?

A reptophobe

Dr C says:

Dear Reptophobe,

Are you in Australia? No? Then get yourself a real problem to worry about.


Dear Dr Capybara,

I am at my wits' end. I am surrounded by an ever expanding library of the half-read - wall to wall of beautiful, tempting unfinished books. Oh, I have tried - I just seem to lose it at twenty pages or so. I have incompletely read everything. Don't whatever you do tell me how they all end. I want to persevere - some of the things are looking at me now, screaming: "Yes, my mother died, wanna know what happened then?", "So I dreamt I was back at Manderley, come on you're dying to know!", Dante is the worst, he won't stop going on and on, around in circles. I am hopeless, I just can't fin


Dr C says:

Dear Pellegrina

This is how your question read to me: "bla bla bla bla bla".

Perhaps you have a similar problem with books. I suggest getting your eyes checked by a reputable veterinarian, and possibly getting yourself a new hobby, like D&D, or perhaps chess, you big nerd.


Dear Dr Capybara,

I have to look reasonably smart for work but when it rains I end up looking like a dishevelled escaped lunatic, mostly due to my frizzball of hair. As I live in the UK - this happens a lot. I cannot use an umbrella as I always have to carry heavy things with me and I desperately need a stylish solution. I've tried Souwesters, but they always blow away - should I invest in a pony to carry by heavy load, leaving me free to hide under an umbrella?

Fab Hat

Dr C says:

Dear Frizzface,

You are melting my cold, black, rodent heart with your inane tale of capillary problems. No, really.

You have several options:
A) stop going to work
B) wear a wig
C) shave your head
D) stop focusing on your pathetic 1st world problems and search for meaning in your trite, overlong existence.

Tricky, but I'm sure you can figure it out.


Dr Capybara,

You wait ages for an unsympathetic agony rodent, and along comes one, all at once.My question is this - I have to stand on a plinth for one hour, if you were me what would you do with the allotted time?Yours in consternation...

The City Road

Dr C writes:

Typical. You got yourself on the damned plinth, and now you are whining about it. Take responsibility for your actions!

If you are truly lacking in creativity, and of a morose disposition, try counting your toes, or maybe spitting at passers by.



Dear Dr Capybara,

My arse must be stuck to the couch because I can't seem to get up all day. Manchild is most unhappy about this and keeps dragging toys and the same two idiotic books to me in the hopes that I shall do something to entertain him, but I fail and he entertains himself by hitting my head and various delicate body parts with said objects.Please advise. (Terminating pregnancy, although it would do wonders for my energy level, is not an option.)

Dr C writes:

Dear Couchpotato,

What is the problem here? Get the au pair to lock the manchild ('manchild', pfff!) in a closet and then get back to your studious navel gazing, you poor excuse for a mother.

Dr Capybara has stalked off back to his swamp. The Capybara Clinic will be back whenever Dr Capybara finds your whining so unbearable he has to intervene.


pellegrina4 said...

Thanks Dr Capybara,

I am humbled by your counsel, although I have no idea what it was. I did not bother to read it.


Gina said...

If you had a pet capybara you would never need to mow your lawn and those in the know often speak of how they would be ideal golf course mascots because of their tendency to nibble everything down to a golf-course-like height.

I learned this whilst working at the zoo. It is a true fact.

Red Shoes said...

First of all, where the eff IS everyone?

Second, who left this imposter quack cabybara in charge? He's not even CHOCOLATE!

Third, what the hell is happening here?! Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY.

Jaywalker said...

Red Shoes - I have absolutely no idea. Dr Capybara and I (no, I am not Dr Capybara myself) find his advice completely hilarious, but it appears we are alone in this. No matter. Dr Capybara will just have to set up his own advice blog. Or possibly chat show. Or premium rate phone line.

Gina - useful AND empathetic. The capybara, truly a giant of the rodent world in every sense of the word.

monk said...

Dear God, you've finally killed the internets

Jaywalker said...

Oh God Monk,

I didn't mean to kill the internets. Dr Capybara has been a GENUINE HELP to me several times. And if I listened to his brand of no-nonsense tough love a little more often I would be in less of a mess. Also, he is FUNNY. So angry! So right! I LOVE DR CAPYBARA.

Dr Capybara said...

Red Shoes - I am not a quack, Capybaras are do not have duck bills and are in no way related to the Platypus.

Pellegrina - well done my child, you might yet become an honorary capybara. Though I suspect you are not fat, or disapproving, enough.

fabhat said...

dr capybara and mother knox should have a agony aunt off -it would be vicious...

Red Shoes said...

I remain unmoved. Dr. Capybara has not swayed me. Unless said Doctor can transform into a chocolate capybara and arrive, unmelted, at my doorstep, I will not be a fan. Not even if s/he suddenly sprouts a bill and webbed feet. It will take more than a self-righteous snout, a disdainful gaze, ruthless advice and a monkey on the back to convince me.

Dr Capybara said...

Red Shoes - I have a small, but perfectly serviceable stethoscope too. It is waterproof.

Jaywalker said...

Dr Capybara,

Do not cheapen yourself by trying to pander to their populist demands! You are a purist. You are doing it for their own good. They need you, and one day they will thank you.

Red Shoes said...

Hahaha! Ok, ok. The mental image of Dr. Capybara with miniature, waterproof stethoscope in ears is irresistible. I give in. Will consult the angry doctor with my problems from here on out.

P.S. Jaywalker, hush. This is between me and the capybara.

Juci said...

An au pair? You are so first world, mister.