Saturday, 11 July 2009

Afternoon tea in the waffledome

Once more my artistic vision has been compromised by my family, and their unreasonable insistence that we add chocolate chips to the biscuit art. Chocolate chips obscure the biscuit message in an entirely unacceptable way, but I was obliged to compromise. Cyril Connolly, you fat grumpy bastard, once more I am forced to concede the truth of your statement.


I bring you biscuit art.

I am particularly pleased to be be bringing you biscuit art today, not just because you have requested it, but because of the wonderful description of this site I found through a link on stat counter yesterday.

"It appears to be written by a Brit living in exciting Belgium doing an EU-related job that she hates whilst her home life descends into chaos. Keywords would include despair, death, and biscuits".

Hello, birdwatching person. You appear to have seen straight into my soul.

As a further service for you the readers, if any of you want particular messages composed from the biscuits displayed here, I will happily make and photograph them for you. I can also offer "motherfucking" and "Belgian Waffle" and "2009", which I am intending to use in the context of the imminent, oh so imminent VILLAGE FETE.

Oh, and if anyone Brussels based would actually like the biscuits, they should get in touch, because I am in enough trouble as a parent already without having to explain some of this interesting new vocabulary to the spawn.

Oh, and here's a bonus weepette porn picture for the dog people, where Oscar is playing bony, long-suffering cushion to my knee of death.


Marie said...

Congratulations, that was my favourite blog post of all time, and I demand that you start manufacturing the biscuits commercially so that I can make purchase. You could even call them ARSE BISCUITS after the expression popularised by Father Jack in Father Ted. Maybe he'd be your spokesmodel; if unavailable, I am always here.

Sinda said...

You could SO market these biscuits. Maybe just sell them locally, but deliver them via car, which would surely only add creative language to your repertoire?

Did you not give the bird man a comment? He deserves a comment!

The City Road said...

Re; biscuit haiku

If we include commercially available biscuit also, we can have;

Nice Tits, Nice Arse
Fuck Village Fete,
Nice Wank.

fabhat said...

You are belgian's version of Bobby Baker and I salute you. Can you fit a can of sardines or anchovies into your mouth sideways? If so - you're in the Bobby Baker team.

What about making these biscuits as a job, instead of the corridor of ennui? Although we'd miss the stories...

Mwa said...

I absolutely LOVE those biscuits! So much so I want to bake some. Don't suppose you could do a recipe and a "where to buy" on the cutters (esp the letters)?

(Can't believe your rude biscuits finally pushed me over the housewife edge. I am NOT a baker.)

hairyfarmerfamily said...

I NEED those letter stamps. I have a burning, desperate desire to own some. Please divulge retail location? I promise to actually ENTER the fete this time...

redfox said...

These are superb, and like everyone else, I desperately want the stamp thing now. Suspect, sadly, that it will not be available in the U.S. at all.

Robert Hudson said...

I want arse biscuits but I don't want the bits that look like chocolate.

(Word verification is the seldom-used irregular past participle 'phict'.)

Pontecarlo Shoegal said...

I want these biscuits, I would particularly like to get ones to make a sentence - make your own fucking tea.

Thanks for a lovely afternoon smile - time of a drink x

screamish said...


La Mom said...

These would be particularly entertaining to serve to the belle-famille. Where do I get the stamps?!?

La Mom
An American Mom in Paris

Juci said...

I went back to your old post that the bird watcher guy linked to. Looked at the photos closely (especially the one of your nightstand prior to pontypine holocaust) and now I need to know three things. 1. Did you like Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell? 2. Did you like Black Swan Green? 3. Can I borrow Gilead?
And unrelated to that: 4. Can you hit me with a batch of 'Fucking' and 'Tits'? I sure as hell could use both. But keep the 'Arse'-es away, I have way too much of that as it is. Thanks!

redfox said...

Some assiduous Internet searching has been leading me to the increasingly firm belief that these are a Continent-only item. You could become a wealthy exporter!

bevchen said...

I love the biscuits! Where can I purchase a biscuit printing kit? I want to make rude biscuits too!

redfox said...

Contra my pessimistic comment yesterday, I can report that as well as the exciting source mentioned in the BW Twitter feed, there is also an option for us benighted New World types: an eBay shop selling them here. I look forward to seeing obscene biscuits take the world by storm.

Jaywalker said...

Marie - ah, Father Jack, possibly my most favourite character ever. YES.

Sinda - imagine. They would be all bashed and covered in the blood of innocent Belgians.

City Road - I had great plans, but as recounted then the children came home and ate all my obscentities. Pff.

fabhat - I don't know, but now I really want to try.

Mwa - the recipe is Nigella, of course. The cutter set is widely available online with the bizarre moniker "Brigitte Keks". It's German, naturally.

HFF - see above. This too can be yours!

Redfox - I am so glad you found a supplier. A movement is born!

Robert - well, no. I told them it was a bad idea, but noone listens to me.

Pontecarlo - It would mean very large biscuits, but hey! In what wrong world would that be a bad thing?

La Mom - I do recommend. Immensely satisfying. Fournisseur mentioned on Twitter, or by Redfox.

Juci - 1. Yes, hugely 2. Yes 3. Of course 4. Yes, but you have seen my kitchen so caveat emptor, innit?

Bevchen - serendipity! You are even in THE RIGHT COUNTRY for Brigitte Keks.

Joad said...

Stunning. Pure art. make me some "THIS IS MY BODY", please. Jx

Top Bird @ Wee Birdy said...

Ah, how I would love to pass a couple of these biscuits to a few key people right now.

You are a biscuit-wordsmith wonder. Please send a basket to Martha for her next tutorial.

p.s. there is a shop in Islington I quite fancy, simply because it has 'Arse' in decorative writing above a rack of v. expensive designer clothes. xx

J. said...

Excellent! This was exactly what I had in mind when I suggested an offensive desserts category for the village fete.

Mwa said...

1. Yes, hugely also!

reen said...

I would love a dozen! Especially since it's Monday (now) and these would so take the edge off.

That one girl said...


Love it.

Jeanne said...

I've clearly overlooked the most creative aspect of baking....

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

My boys would think that I was ready to be committed if they found mommy baking up these little yummies. But I would be in the kitchen laughing til the tears ran because they are fucking hilarious. Thank you for sharing!

theharridan said...

those biscuits are the coolest things i have ever seen. i want you to be my mother

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