Monday, 29 June 2009

Symptom relief

I have been thinking recently, can't imagine why, about the things that help when you are feeling shitty. Not the things that they tell you about in magazines (long walks, baths, calling a friend, laughter, the shining faces of children, the dew on a kitten's paw, etc etc). The things that REALLY help. Though let's be clear, it's all symptom relief. There is no cure, you just ride it out. Advanced pharmaceutical technology aside. Add your own to my list.

1. Friends who are good at wallowing along with you rather than jollying you out of it.

Figure 1

Me: Uuuuurgh everything is shit and I want to live in a HOLE.

BMF: Yes, everything is shit. But I don't think a hole is the answer it will be damp and boring and uncomfortable.

Me: Ok, I don't want to live in a hole, I want to live in a hotel.

BMF: Much better!

Figure 2

Me: Uuuuuuurgh everything is shit. Will you kill me?

M: No. I am too tired to kill you, you will have to do it yourself. I need a nap. Anyway, I am waiting for the swine flu to kill me. Advantage: I don't actually have to DO anything: disadvantage: it could take a while. What could kill you?

Me: Hmmm. I could lie in the garden until the stag beetle comes and pierces my jugular? Or, maybe, I could lie on the tram tracks and wait for one to run me over. Or! I could drop this giant looseleaf textbook on my head? [happily distracted I plot my own death. M returns to her nap]

Figure 3

Me: Uuuuuuurgh everything is shit* make me a virtual cocktail won't you?

Mrs Trefusis: I recommend my special Despair Squid Venom Daquiri. Gentle but effective.

2. Glenn Baxter . Steve Bell. David Sedaris, PG Wodehouse, Molesworth. The phrase 'small but serviceable rubber cosh'. Probably actually having one would help even more.

3. Very, very very loud music with lots of guitars of the kind made by angry young men in their garages. In a confined space, so that your ears ring.

4. Proper strong tea (disclaimer: this only works if you are British)

5. The tiniest threatened acts of cruelty against the dog. Wait! Before you call the Belgian RSPCA I do not wish the weepette any harm and would not do anything to cause it pain. But I do love the look in its eyes when it thinks I am about to turn the hosepipe on it. Or placing something on the Holy Tortoise's back. That is also fun.

(*You can see why I need lots of friends at the moment, can't you? I am giving them all compassion fatigue).


Lennel said...

Michael Frayn: Towards the End of the Morning; S J Perelman: Most of the Most of S J Perelman, though almost anything by him would do; Keith Waterhouse: Billy Liar (still funny after all these decades); Grace Paley: Enormous Changes at the Last Minute. I could go on.Sometimes a bit of bracing rhetoric helps; Christopher Hitchens' For the Sake of Argument will remind you how clever you are, Mme Jaywalker. I confess I haven't a clue what is happening to you, despite both blog and twitters. But you are an incomparably original and funny writer and I am very sorry indeed for your unhappiness given how much pleasure you bring the rest of us. Commiserations from London. (Also, try Here be Hippogriffs if you don't already read her).

kathycastro said...

Fuck that. What you need is a good trip to Liberty, trying on all the six-armed garments in the weird Japanese room. And some cake. And then Brown's Shoes. You'll have supressed your symptoms in no time.

Red Shoes said...

Screw jollying you out of it. All that ever does is make me angry. Unless there are presents involved. I can be jollied quite easily by friends who send presents. I'll just add that to the list then.

6. Presents.

You sound like you need a present. I'd really love to send you one but am way too poor at the moment. The thought is there though. So very sorry that the wallet isn't willing.

Lennel said...

Jesus, Kathy Castro, I was only trying to help...No need to spit at BW's fanbase.

expateek said...

Are you getting worse or is this in my imagination?

kathycastro said...

Oh God, SORRY Lennel, I wasn't "Fuck that"-ing at you! SOOOOO sorry! There were no comments at all when I started writing. [slinking away now]

justarabbit said...

I think I need more friends like yours. Mostly I try to deal with the depression myself, which extends it. I tend to just go for distraction, with bad teen dramas (note, I am way too old to be into teen dramas, but they're just like chocolate). Currently on my list: gossip girl, twilight, twilight series of books. I hear there's a good vampire tv show on in the US now too. I am just too lazy to pirate tv.
Oh, and youtube searches on chickens or kittens or angsty music. Just heard the other day about a new genre: drone pop. I rather liked it.

Mrs Jones said...

I do the very loud music option - I especially like tunes that make me want to rip the jugular out of things, specifically this tune -

It's not for the fainthearted but will make you feel invincible afterwards.

Margarita @ said...

I'm totally into wallowing with you. My man is the most annoying shittiest man right now, and of course, *I* should be more understanding and blah blah shit. Everything is shit. Let's have a drink ;)

The City Road said...

Yep, or RATM - Killing in the name

Come Friday afternoon at a client's office, when everyone has really had enough, out comes the wine, nibbles and this goes on the iPod!

Anonymous said...

love the flash of impending doom in dog's eyes..and totally understand of course that wld never be acted on..I agree re a companion of the wallow..very few step up to the mark..

Fat Controller said...

I would humbly submit, under category 2, Hilaire Belloc.

Anonymous said...

I'm also a big fan of getting in my car and driving far and fast, though getting caught speeding definitely lessens the effectiveness of this strategy for me. But I'm not sure this would work very well for you anyway, even if there is no parking involved.

Persephone said...

Family history research. Oh, don't look at me like that. It works for me. Also the Proclaimers' Greatest Hits.

Lennel said...

Kathy Castro - I say it all back to you - I am SO SORRY! I thought you were talking to me. What an idiot I am. Hey, now that we've met, have you got a blog too that I can read? And are you feeling nay better today, Belgian Waffling. I fidn that the Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Version on You Tube starts the morning pretty snappily...

River said...

Something that always helps me feel better is a steaming hot UNINTERRUPTED shower followed by an UNINTERRUPTED nap of about three hours. Sadly my husband doesn't seem to understand the word uninterrupted....

bevchen said...

Bake cookies. Then eat half the dough before you even get them in the oven. Works for me. Cheesy mashed potatoes is good too.

Am also with you on the loud shouty music. And tea. lots and lots and lots of tea. Actually, am going to make a cuppa now.

Anonymous said...

Wow so many suggestions! I agree with the RATM song, that always works!

Mwa said...

Also exercise.
And beer! (You are living in Belgium, right?)

Waffle said...

Ouf, I am glad Lennel and Kathy have sorted it out. Belgian Waffle is a blog of peaceful cooperation and love. Unless you are a moth.

Lennel - I don't know either. But I know that stuff helps, and your suggestions are excellent too, so thank you.

Kathy - I am actually GOING this weekend! Imagine! Six armed plastic drop crotch japanese unitards.

Red Shoes - oh, presents. Presents are good. I have had Heat magazine and a caramel bar from my sister and that was pretty awesome.

Expateek - I don't know! Do you think so? It's not linear, I know that. I get dismal, and then my brain gets bored of being dismal and concentrates on fripperies for a couple of days, and then the whole ghastly cycle starts again. Eventually something will happen, as Prog Rock would say.

Justarabbit - chickens set to dronepop. This is what the world needs. We must try and make it happen.

Mrs Jones - jugular ripping. Very therapeutic.

Margarite - yes. Let's. I'm going to have a pear vodka out of the freezer with lots of ice, sitting in the back yard. What about you?

CityRoad - hmm. I never had clients like that. I just had Herr Stegmayer and his crop protection statistics. Job #FAIL.

Anon - I am so glad you get it. I inherited this from my dad, who used to pour small amounts beer on the pub cat's head to laugh at its discomfiture and rage.

Fat Controller - I will test. And report back.

Pinklea - yes! It's a classic, and an excellent confined space for the stupidly loud music. However, as you say, the need to park afterwards and the spatial awareness problems make the whole exercise very tricky.

Persephone - whatever gets you through *backing away softly*

River - and your husband is STILL ALIVE? You are a saint.

mysterycreature - I will be testing it later. I confidently predict weepette fear.

Mwa (whisper it) - I don't like beer. But almost all other alcohol is welcome... Do you think the Belgian immigration service will be round to deport me?

The Spicers said...

Could you get someone else to prepare a delicious, but not cake-based, meal for you Jaywalker? With wine of course. I find that helps.
Other than that, I try to drown out the despair by reading-David Sedaris and David Rakoff are very effective, as is Geoff Dyer-for finding the humor in things. Or Things.
By the way, what happened to the CFO's blog?

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expateek said...

Hi Mme. J -- It’s so nice site. We love to see more on this site. Keep on updating… epateeeeek bali

OMG. I think I had a little seizure there. An out-of-body experience for one little second. Am I okay? Am I catching something? Wow. That was so weird. This happens almost every day now. Mme Dr Jaywalker, what do you suggest?


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