I have been thinking recently, can't imagine why, about the things that help when you are feeling shitty. Not the things that they tell you about in magazines (long walks, baths, calling a friend, laughter, the shining faces of children, the dew on a kitten's paw, etc etc). The things that REALLY help. Though let's be clear, it's all symptom relief. There is no cure, you just ride it out. Advanced pharmaceutical technology aside. Add your own to my list.
1. Friends who are good at wallowing along with you rather than jollying you out of it.
Me: Uuuuurgh everything is shit and I want to live in a HOLE.
BMF: Yes, everything is shit. But I don't think a hole is the answer it will be damp and boring and uncomfortable.
Me: Ok, I don't want to live in a hole, I want to live in a hotel.
BMF: Much better!
Me: Uuuuuuurgh everything is shit. Will you kill me?
M: No. I am too tired to kill you, you will have to do it yourself. I need a nap. Anyway, I am waiting for the swine flu to kill me. Advantage: I don't actually have to DO anything: disadvantage: it could take a while. What could kill you?
Me: Hmmm. I could lie in the garden until the stag beetle comes and pierces my jugular? Or, maybe, I could lie on the tram tracks and wait for one to run me over. Or! I could drop this giant looseleaf textbook on my head? [happily distracted I plot my own death. M returns to her nap]
Me: Uuuuuuurgh everything is shit* make me a virtual cocktail won't you?
Mrs Trefusis: I recommend my special Despair Squid Venom Daquiri. Gentle but effective.
2. Glenn Baxter . Steve Bell. David Sedaris, PG Wodehouse, Molesworth. The phrase 'small but serviceable rubber cosh'. Probably actually having one would help even more.
3. Very, very very loud music with lots of guitars of the kind made by angry young men in their garages. In a confined space, so that your ears ring.
4. Proper strong tea (disclaimer: this only works if you are British)
5. The tiniest threatened acts of cruelty against the dog. Wait! Before you call the Belgian RSPCA I do not wish the weepette any harm and would not do anything to cause it pain. But I do love the look in its eyes when it thinks I am about to turn the hosepipe on it. Or placing something on the Holy Tortoise's back. That is also fun.
(*You can see why I need lots of friends at the moment, can't you? I am giving them all compassion fatigue).