Friday, 26 June 2009

Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional: June Edition

This seems a little early for Confessional; it feels only days ago that I was revelling in appalled delight at your sins, but with the way the dates fall, this is the last Friday in June. And anyway, it's hot and sunny and that brings out the sinfulness, whether heat induced fury and rage or, apparently, other stuff. Whatever. It's today.



And!



We have a special treat for June. The Holy Tortoise is AWOL somewhere in the back yard wilderness and I am feeling far too pathetically warm and fuzzy towards humanity so I have drafted in reinforcements for penance. Yes. Today, penance will be doled out by John Knox's mean baby sister, the ferocious Tiger Baps.



Tiger Baps has been watching recent developments on Confessional and she is NOT impressed. The sins have made her purse her lips like a cat's arse, and the penance has been too weak and bleeding heart liberal. Tiger Baps is here to change all that and she's all about Punishment and Pain. Why, only a few days ago when I told her about my new dress, she told me I had to tie the weepette round my thigh silice style and tease it until its jaws clamped around my flesh, every two minutes. She's creative, she's disapproving and SHE'S HERE. And don't bother trying to ingratiate yourself with your Caledonian heritage or Jaffa Cakes. She's incorruptible.



Entirely incidentally, and not at all because I am a cowardly piece of shit and scared of Tiger Baps, I don't have much to confess this month. But I suppose I must. Onwards.

Bless me internet for I have sinned.

1. HSBC. Cough. Um. Me, HSBC, unopened correspondence, bad things. BAD. The threat of EVEN WORSE things. And yet, I still haven't sorted it out, because I think if I close my eyes, it will all go away.



2. Too many people have found out about this blog, or I have told too many people (because I don't want them to think I just sit on my arse and do nothing 3 days a week). And now they are reading it and I can no longer write about them and it's a shame because that was Good Material right there. No, CFO, I am not actually talking about you here, though yes, you too. And of course I do in fact sit on my arse and do nothing three days a week, because a blog is not a full time job by any stretch of the imagination, and I have made much less progress on the Great Belgian Novel than I would like, despite enthusiastically and foolishly imposing a deadline on myself for 1 September.



3. I can't stop pulling at the dry skin on my feet until they bleed.



4. I have had chocolate for breakfast about four times this week. I brought masses of wonderful, transfat laden British chocolate back from my flying trip to London and I am working my way through it. Whenever a meal time comes around and I go into the kitchen and try to think about food, the Cadbury's Caramels in the cupboard start singing to me and they are so easy and so delicious and it is so impossible not to eat the whole bar. Consequently, I reckon I have eaten protein (other than Bonne Maman Crème aux Oeufs - the lunch of champions) once this week, and that was tuna straight from the tin because I was in a trembly chocolate sweat and thought it might help.



5. I bought Lashes a Pokémon Platinum whatever the fuck game for an end of year present solely because I wanted the peace and quiet only Nintendo can bring.


6. I lied to the GP about having been for a smear test. I AM going. Honestly. I have an appointment and everything. Oh, and I told her I was having Relationship Issues in the hope she would give me some really excellent Belgian drugs (sadly, she didn't). Please don't hurt me Mrs Baps.


7. I can't work out whether anyone has a clue what is going on between me and the CFO from what I write here, and I fear it's probably quite annoying to read. But I don't feel I can be much more specific, what with the fact that neither of us really has a fucking clue either.


Ok. Enough about me. It's time to cleanse yourselves in the holy fire of Tiger Bap's wrath.

67 comments:

evitchka said...

The holy fire of tigerbap's wrath hey? (Love the heart-shape pinny). My second ex-mother-in-law was from Glasgow and I shrivelled a long time ago in her putrid breath. However I'm all for the healing power of confession. And applaud Belgianwaffling for leading the way. The other night I confessed one of my particularly deviant and murky sexual fantasies to husband no 3, expecting him to turn a freakish blue and sign divorce papers on the spot - but he loved it (and me even more!)
I just noticed my verification word is 'devil' in French! Interesting.

Persephone said...

I'm a little nervous about confessing this month, having got a glimpse of the guest confessor, so I'll keep it short: Not only did I not purchase parting gifts and cards for younger daughters' teachers this year, I actually bundled said daughter out the back door to avoid meeting them. We're through with this school for good and I was terrified I'd finally tell them what I really thought.

MonkAre said...

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Jaywalker said...

Penance for the robot at comment 3 too please Tigerbaps. Thanks.

Lindsey Mason said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tigerbaps said...

Oh for goodness sake. Tigerbaps is experiencing technical difficulties, induced by the horrendous sins commenced thus far.

tigerbaps said...

MonkAre:
I command you, for no real reason at all, to purchase and wear a 'Jimmy Hat' (available here: http://www.heritageofscotland.com/pid,307,cid,90228,product.php) until further notice.

tigerbaps said...

Mme Jaywalker. Such sins. Tsk. Where to START with penance? I have devised a ratings system for your particularly vile brand of sin. The collective penance will be calculated using the formula (P =Tb*R)P = Penance, Tb = number of times Tigerbaps F5s her Twitter screen in space of five minutes and R = rating apportioned to each sin.
1. HSBC sins: 3/10. Doesn't everyone?

2. No sin

3. Disgusting. I like it. 4/10

4. I've deleted the text here and forgotten the sin, so I admonish you, because am too idle to flick back to original post.

5. Look, I'm a parent, I did TERRIBLE THINGS to buy peace and quiet. 2/10

6. Hmmm lying about smear/pleading for pharmaceuticals...I like it. Promise to share the drugs with me if you get any in future.

Actually, fuck it, I've come over all unnecessary following a Jaffa Cake frenzy, you're forgiven ALL of your sins. Now just GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.

tigerbaps said...

Ah, I've just googled 'Jimmy Hat' to check terminology for ginger faux wig with tartan tam o'shanter. Don't check the Urban Dictionary definition, please. LOOK! ISN'T THAT MAN'S GARDEN LOVELY? (What my granny used to say if she wanted to create a diversion after we asked her what she was doing with her pension money every week. FYI - She was burning it)

bevchen said...

I've had a remarkably sin-free month actually. Mainly because no longer being employed means I no longer have a reason to leave the house. Also, the boyfriend is doing all the shopping so even my junk food addiction has been limited... I found myself eating muesli the other day because it was the only thing in the house with chocolate in!!

I do however feel incredibly guilty that I went on holiday to Rome the day after I officially became unemployed. AND I didn't tell the employment agency I was leaving the country, which I belive is illegal in this country. If they find out my benefits my be reduced... if they ever actually get round to giving me any benefits that is.

Also... I totally spent the whole of yesterday playing with the internets then told the boyfriend I HAD been job hunting, just hadn't found anything.

Pretty tame stuff like I said.

Margarita said...

I hope everything is okay with you & CFO. I totally bought my child a new game for nintendo ds, for the same reason. Silence. Pure silence. Love it.

JChevais said...

Bless me for I have sinned:

I am unpenitant in my dislike for my boss after said boss called me a big baby (gros bébé) after pulling an all nighter for his tender offer that I'll never see the colour of money of. Despite this all-nighter, I'm hoping he fails and that my overtime will pull money out of his cut of the year end partnership money.

I am two faced in my conversations with crazy quebecoise colleague. Colleagues and I discuss her brand of tabernacle crazy when she isn't around but I pretend to be interested in her crazy stories when she talks to me.

DameEmma said...

All sloth, all the time. And I'm not sorry.

The City Road said...

Somewhat relieved the Holy Tortoise [TM] isn't presiding this month, having seen his brainmap yesterday - I'd be smote mightily (smitten, even) were my judgement in his scrabbly paws; I'll happily take my chance with any pitiless form of Calvinism Tiger Baps deems appropriate. Purgatory was never intended to be fun, after all.

Fully intended to cover everything deadly this month, but my sinning still leaves room for improvement; just think how easy it was when younger, easily able to reel off 6 of the 7 deadly ones before tea-time. But then, that was in Essex. Had given Mme. J notice that this month may feature one sin above all others, but since she gleefully pointed out yesterday just whose brain had "a large lobe devoted to it" I feel it my duty to balance out all the cake-fantasy stuff some of you are using as sublimation.

So this is going to make Seven look like a, ahem, cake walk...

Gluttony

Choosing restaurants purely on the basis that Eton Mess is on the menu. Has to stop. Soon.

Lust

Oh let me count the ways. Or better still, enumerate and describe.

1) Poor BSG, barely asleep by the time dawn was breaking, having to be awake early the next day and yet still woke her up with such irresistible torment - TEMPTATION #FAIL
2) Knew full well what opening that second bottle of Prosecco was going to lead to...
3) The neighbours really didn't need to see nor hear any of above whilst having their civilised barbecue, now did they; buy some bloody curtains and close the doors next time.
4) You're in the chemist, in the baby section. And all the young mothers are filling baskets with unguents and ointments. And all you want is a discrete bottle of baby oil.

Avarice

Have been quite good on the Golden Calf front this month, though was found to be worshipping at the false idol of Desert Boots from YST a few weeks ago. Disappointing 4 weeks really - beginning to worry that I've lost the acquisitive urge entirely: will have to go to Liberty's.

Envy

I want the weepette's brain. Or at least the ability to lick my own genitals. [Cf. Lust]

Wrath

Elvis Costello famously is quoted as knowing only two emotions, 'jealousy and revenge' (it was the late 70's, and believe me that is two emotions more than most of us had then) - biblical wrath really is great, Catholicism's take in particular - 'reasonable vengeance and passion is ethical and praiseworthy' and really no sin in moderation. Honestly though, I just can't get worked up enough to be wrathful, it's too much like hard work. [Cf. Sloth]

Sloth

Oh now here I excel - at one point I cancelled a meeting last week so I could sunbathe on the balcony. All day. [Cf. Vanity]

Vanity

In case anyone missed it on the T-verse earlier "You're so vain, I bet you think this tweet is about you".

Employed the full length mirror in the bedroom recently, and a very pleasurable enhancement to the weekend's entertainment it was. Except. I was vaguely looking at both of us, but actually enjoying watching myself more. Like a lot more. [Cf. Lust]

Pride (Wounded)

Secretly gutted that everyone's brains were so much better than my drawing, and beautifully lettered and professionally produced and pie-charts and why didn't I think of doing a decision tree? [Cf. Envy]


P.S. Mme. Celtic Confessor of the Faith- Just spoke with Scottish friend on phone, mentioned 'Jimmy Hat', pissed himself laughing.

P.P.S. Verification word 'splai' - I'll leave you with that succinct sinful summary...

Stupid Male #9,765,320 said...

The family car had a flat battery a couple of weeks ago. I informed my wife that it was caused by her having left a light on.

I enlisted a neighbour to help jump start the car, to no avail, that fucker was dead.

Or so I thought. In a blinding moment of realisation, it dawned on my that I was being a fuckwit, and hadn't disabled the immobiliser. I chose not to share this fact with the neighbour, or my wife, letting her believe that she had been the cause of Great Trouble. I even let my lover believe that I'd had a trying morning because of wife's stupidity.

I do not feel guilty, but really want to feel some Scottish disapproval.

@eloh said...

We've "lost" a couple hollywood "icons". And I couldn't give less of a rat's ass if I tried.

emily said...

Hmmm, sinning for me this month has been prolific...
* took extended sick leave from work - three weeks rather than two - after tonsil removal despite it being a busy time because i loathe and despise my boss and work
* didnt go back to my doctor for three days, despite coughing up yuck and nearly driving my beloved demented because could not cope with hospital again
* once hospitalised the second time, was completely ineffectual and ended up in tears in the corridor since truely couldnt deal with abusive nurses
* have been lying around doing very little, save a couple of pilates classes and some swimming
* have been on a book buying frenzy, despite four boxes of books stored in garage as no room in flat... 16 new unread at last count
* havnt done CV as promised myself because too lazy

Penance please...

a lady said...

forgive me, tigerbaps, for I have sinned. it's been a month since my last confessional. I have:
wallowed
wallowed some more
indulged in massive amounts of self-pity
mentally mocked Therapist for using therapy-speak like "self-soothe"
assembled 0% of my syllabus for the fall term
read 40 pages out of the 5000 I must read for april's exam.
wallowed some more
stared in mirror for weird amounts of time. (like, say, one Martian month.)


I have not, however, neglected the dog! small triumphs.

kathy said...

I was going to wait until the traditional "confession hots up around 9PM as people get progressively drunker" moment, but Stupid Male has inspired me, what with having a wife AND a lover but only confessing about his dead battery shenanigans (SM, I trust this was not a euphemism?). Respect, Stupid Male, your kind of morals are my kind of morals.

I have a varied array of sins this month, which warms my heart after my sin-free May.

First, one I forgot from April. I seem to have acquired, without the exchange of legal tender, one of those lovely twirly tea strainer things from The Wolseley. My friends are all most impressed by the marvel of its engineering, and I admire it endlessly and even bought loose leaf tea just so I could show it off. Am, however, concerned that I may not be welcome back at The Wolseley, which is a concern even though I now live on another continent. As this was actual commandment breaking, I do feel I require penance.

Nextly, I am about to steal another woman's boyfriend. About to as in plans are made, hotel room booked, date is set. No commandments broken yet, but there will be. He started it, if that helps.

Thirdly, looking for a job. Yes, it's a nice, lovely, productive idea. Yes, I trot off to the library (my new "office", as recommended by my outplacement consultant, whose very expensive services I freely ignore) daily, with its lovely leather armchairs and speedy speedy wireless internet, and its 'please eat and drink and talk on your phones freely' policies, only to tweet and email and chat and do all sorts of things, none of which will lead to gainful employment anywhere but for a gossip column. I console myself with the idea that if I really *needed* a job right now I'd look harder. But this is crap really. I. Just. Can't. Be. Arsed.

That should do it for now. I await your puritanical Protestant wrath, TB.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

I am too ashamed to replace the twee little 'Baby on Board' sign back into my car, as I know that I deserve to be judged for driving my precious child about at such breakneck speed.

Further to this, I have put the blame squarely on my toddler for our late arrival no less than 4 times this month (unexpectedly explosive bowels and refusal to wake from nap are my favourite fall-backs) when in fact it is merely my inability to get my arse out of the door on time that has caused us to slink sheepishly into various parties, playgroups and doctor's appointments. At this rate, when he is older I will happily write him notes claiming that the dog really did eat his homework.

Lindsey Mason said...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Such sins. Tigerbaps, your Celtic Queen of Confession is shocked and saddened. Her dowager's hump twitches with the horror of it all, and she nurses her wrath to keep it warm until cocktail o'clock is past, as mentioned by kathy.
Two things tigerbaps would like to point out. SHE SEES EVERYTHING - EVEN THE STUFF BETWEEN THE LINES.
I'm on to you Bevchen - the confessional equivalent of the 'Praise Sandwich' is not acceptable at confession. Coming at me with your 'oh it's not much really, pretty tame [insert heinous sin] see it's all quite tame' PFAH!
Also, brevity will not win soft southern penance - be warned, Margarita, Dame Emma, et al.
WV = Teradsb (it hasn't escaped my notice that this is an anagram of 'basterd'. Which one of you dyslexic sinners is responsible for this?
Oh and before I go to flaggelate myself with thistles and the material they make kilts out of:-The City Road: hubba hubba. I'd forgive you anything. Come suckle at the teat of tigerbaps forgiveness.

Anonymous said...

My first confessional.
1) My best friend just had her second baby, a boy. Her first, a girl. Profound jealousy that she got the 'million dollar family' as everyone keeps saying to her. I have two amazingly wonderful boys and wouldn't trade them for anything. Worried my sons will grow up and get sucked into their wives' families leaving me behind. Feeling profound guilt for the jealousy. Ugh.
2) Not interested in sex AT ALL with husband. Keep blaming it on still feeling sore...3 months post-partum. Or, deliberately staying up later than him so I don't have to have to have 'relations.' He's an amazing husband and dad. Pile on the guilt.
3) Too lazy to send in prescription forms to insurance company for payback. Owed hundreds of dollars. Such a lazy arse, am I.
4) Schadenfreude. Sister got in minor car accident in car our parents bought her. 2 thousand dollars damage she has to pay herself and her insurance is going up! Everything has always come so easy to her. I'm a troll.

deililly said...

Slinking in for a slapping from the Pinny Of Penance.

All spare money has been spent for this month despite owing two friends. My scots soul shrivels at confessing this. Shameful behaviour.

I refused Maw vegetables with her dinner since I can't be arsed cleaning up the green sludge from bloody peas. I do this unless we have those wee bags of frozen veggies that can be zipped in the micro.

I ate the bag of 'lost' jelly beans. And also the emergency chocolate pudding today. Have started penance with gaviscon and whimpering.

Have made a pile of artwork since that involved sitting front of pc and could muck around on the internet at the same time. Have not started selling account for it. Half laziness and half FEAR it is shit stuff.

I avoid the dishes, my medications and every chance to be grown up.

I have done worse than this but people I know may be reading so it might have to be a general penance for being such a shit to people who put up with me.

I also get Maw games for her nintendo for the peace and quiet. This isn't the right way round is it?

Anonymous said...

I'm a regular reader/commenter but I can't bear to confess as myself. Am pulling an Anonymous out of shame.

I haven't had sex with my partner in a forever. We may have done it twice total in last 2 years. Partner doesn't deserve this. Partner desperately wants to have sex but has given up asking from being rejected so many times and therefore will no longer initiate it. I will not initiate either.

I blame it on my non-existent sex drive but this has not stopped me from having daily pervy fantasies and "enjoying myself" quite regularly when my partner isn't home. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Nimble said...

Joined moms and daughters reading group in May. Missed May and June meetings so far. Spent effing $26 I could ill afford on the hardback book for my adult reading group. And then missed that meeting last week too.

Anonymous said...

I also pick at the skin on my feet.

The other day (for the first time, I had a very strong urge to do so, still feeling guilty about it) I sneaked a look at my husband's mobile and found out that he has been calling/ texting a former female work colleague at very improbable hours (2.30 a.m. the previous night, for example, when he was supposedly having a beer with a male friend). I confronted him about it and he swears that she is only a friend, but that he will cease all contact with her if I want. Since then I am feeling very confused, sometimes very angry, sometimes very sad, sometimes I just want to crawl under the bedclothes and sleep for days on end. I'm at bit of a loss as to how to proceed. The worst thing is that I have nobody (apart from him!) to talk to about this, which is probably why I'm telling the Internet.
Sounds really pathetic, I know...
I can't help thinking that he is being overly attentive and affectionate now because he is feeling guilty at having engaged in this sneaky contact (always when I was picking my kids up from school/ taking them to swimming etc., never in front of me) with this woman (whom I have never met) for over a year. I am finding it Very Hard to Believe that they were only lighthearted phone calls/ text messages. Sometimes I ask myself how a Real Adult Woman would behave. I feel so inept, so unprepared for this. And so very sad. He says she was just a friend and that there was nothing to hide and that even he doesn't understand why he hid this friendship from me. Why does everything have to be so complicated? We've been married for 15 years and I Don't Know What to Do Now.
Sorry about the long ramble. Must be the loneliness.

In the midst of this difficult week for me, I have laughed, really laughed, several times reading your blog. Thanks for that.

redfoxtailshrub said...

Oh, dear last Anonymous, I am so sorry. It would be nice if there were such a thing as antipenance, just as penance clears your debts and should leave your soul nice and clean, it would clear away the heavy weight of the sad and confusing behaviors of loved ones, with same nice clean soul as the result.

I am bad at confessing. My sins are mostly diffuse and habitual, though truly very bad. I have made a number of upcoming life arrangements in perhaps the stupidest possible way, making it very likely that I will turn out to have shuttled all hope of success in my academic career (these things are arranged in such a way that eventually your prospects just expire if they don't pan out in the right way soon enough). If this happens, it means that I will have forced both husband and self to arrange many years of our lives elaborately and stupidly in service of nothing, and god only knows how I will employ myself next. Also, I whine.

redfox said...

OH GODDAMMIT. I wish I could get computers to forget forever about my damn Blogger identity. Do not want!

Kate said...

1. I left the windows open on the new car and then there was a driving rain storm--a really ridiculous amount of water is now in the car, it is 80+ degrees Fahrenheit and I'm sure black mold will start creeping over the upholstery. And the husband was the one who discovered this sin which made it worse.

2. I gave nice gifts to three of the critters teachers and nothing to one. I didn't care for her, my critter didn't care for her, but now I am scared that the teachers will all have compared end-of-year gifts and I will be on this woman's shit list.

3. And then I feel guilty for assuming that other people (like said teacher) are as petty as I would be.

4. Have fed the critters hot dogs (which I am convinced are made of pig and cow assholes) for dinner 3 times in the last week because I'm sick of them whinging about food I actually make an effort to make.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kindness, redfoxtailshrub, you brightened my mood for a moment.

I think in a way it would be easier if he had admitted that yes, she is significant in his life and yes, he does think we should go our separate ways now that I have found out. Instead, he says that there is absolutely nothing between them and that he will stop contacting her. When I asked him what he would say to her the next time SHE called HIM, he blurted out that he would tell her that "I had found out" (what am I supposed to have found out if it was only an innocent, light-hearted friendship??? Can you imagine someone saying "My wife found out about our friendship so we can't be friends any more"...??)
My mind is just boggling all the time. It is so hard and so physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting not knowing which road to take to get out of this mess, not being able to make my mind up what to believe, what to think and what to do. Meanwhile, he wants us to decide this weekend where we are going on holiday with the children in August! I know he's probably grasping at anything to bring back a semblance of normality to our existence, but I am still literally reeling in disbelief. These Things are hard.

Anonymous said...

I also have a husband who has a "friend" and am not sure exactly what is really going on. She follows his band to every gig (I am always home with the children)and they text each other regularly. I am not sure if it's physical, possibly not yet, but I'm sure she lives in hope. He says she is just lonely. I decided to put my foot dowm and insist that he not see so much of her and then she offered her company to do some work on our house at cost. This will save us thousands of pounds. So now I feel guilty because I am pimping my husband for the sake of a hand-built wooden kitchen. But then why shouldn't I get something out of the deal - she gets to be with her 'rock god', he gets an adoring woman to massage his ego (and God knows what else). He won't leave me & the children for her or anyone else, guilt works for us in some ways, so am I taking advantage of a love-struck middle aged woman?
Actually I don't care, I need and want a new kitchen and she is old enough to know better. He can sleep with her if he wants but better wait until after the kitchen is built, it would be the quickest way to get rid of her - he's rubbish at it.

pinklea said...

There is a party this weekend for all the people I work with. It was originally scheduled for last week, and I would have gone, but the host changed it to this weekend because "the weather might be bad". I think the host just took it personally that not everybody we work with was able to attend, so I have decided that we are not going, simply out of spite. So I have had to outright lie to that person all week about having a "previous engagement" and how sorry I am that we can't be there. And all we will probably do is have a drink or two and fall asleep in front of the TV set.

MonkAre said...

It’s so nice site. We love to see more on this site. Keep on updating… MonkAreRee Bali ***

GingerB said...

I pick my feet which are terrifying in their ickyness because I hate to wear socks, so, extra yucky and extra picky. nasty!

I put Lord Honey's brain on my blog without telling him.

I am way too lame to be exciting enough to have a husband and a lover, and judgmental enough to be fairly pissed off at those who do, out of sympathy for the anonymous posters here who are in pain (and having watched my sister's marriage implode with the husband's infidelity, I can say, this is a bad fucking sin)

I have also many times been 10-15 minutes late and blamed the baby having an unscheduled poo.

I was perhaps not as nice as some people in my life might have deserved.

Jaywalker said...

Dear Nathan

I leave my greasy keyboard for ONE EVENING to carouse on a building site full of hippies and this is what I come back to?

TigerBaps! Get a hold of yourself woman! Instead of giving City Road heinous heinous punishments for the sin of PRIDE and rubbing the faces of every other sinner in his outrageous sexual fulfillment YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.

Not only that but you forgive me without penance? How many Jaffa Cakes have you HAD?

Also, you MonkAreRee, are you wearing your Jimmy Hat? And if not WHAT are you doing back here?

God. I am going to find the Holy Tortoise. It's all going horribly wrong.

Anonymous said...

I make out I have a very low libido, but in my head the insistent chorus of sexsexsexsexsexsexsex never stops. I just don't want sex with the person I'm with.

Hothousing Parent said...

Are there any readers of this blog who aren't philandering, wishing they were philandering, or living with somebody who is philandering? If so, what are you waiting for, get on with the philandering already. Especially you MonkAre with your false jollity.

On a non-philandering note, I am feeling slightly guilty for chastising my 7 year old daughter this morning. But she will never learn. When one of the other hothoused children asked her if her dress was Spanish, she replied, 'No, it's Charity', in front of all the other hot-housing parents. Idiot child, she doesn't get this honesty from me. I chastised her in Spanish, if it makes it any better.

Titian red said...

Hopefully my DM sin has been passed direct to HT for penance, what makes it worse is that I now look back and giggle instead of writhe with shame.

Lesser sins this month include "accidently" using husbands c/c to order from Amazon

Liberating £15 from sons jeans pockets after they had been through washing machine. He had been reminded to check

Telling my gorgeous munchkin of a daughter to "Fuck off you poisonous little bag" when she told me I was too old to get drunk

Rediscovered my libido but not made that information obvious as too tired

Forgive me HT for I have every intention of continuing to sin

smackcrumplebang said...

Bring back the tortoise thats what I say!

VIVE LA POPETOISE! (does being a pro-popetortoise regime supporter and peroxide haired revolutionary count as sinning?)

No offense to Tigerbaps/redfox but whenever I read your name I think of your (no doubt lovely) breasticles (baps = slang for funbags/puppies/tits etc non?)

This is problematic because surely the temporaneous supplytoise should not inspire such heinous thoughts otherwise this will become an

ENDLESS MERRY-GO-ROUND OF SIN.

In which people will come to confess, find the baps de tiger then think sinful thoughts, then have to confess again only to encounter round 2 of those tigery bapsicles etcetera etcetera...

PERPETUAL SINFUL MELTDOWN. (and the charming pinny doesnt help, its fabulous darling - I covet it and bish bash bosh MORE SIN.)

I can't handle it.

Also I confess me and Mrs T (my other-other-pseudo-literary-cyber-mother) plotted to plot a plot in which we plotted the demise of an imaginary lobster - but then seeing as he didn't exist (except on twitter) we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.

But we thought about it (mainly in order to get ourselves a hot slice of sin so serve at confessional)

WAAAAAFFFFLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE.

Artichoke Queen said...

Waffle, can you please do something about Wafflebébé? I think he's lost it. Merci.

redfox said...

Tigerbaps and I are not the same, it's "redfoxtailshrub" I keep accidentally posting as. But maybe you meant that there is fox-related slang for tits too?

In America "baps" is not slang for tits because no one has heard of a bap (except for my college suitemates, because I used to bake them for us out of a recipe by Elizabeth David). I suppose "muffins" is probably the closest parallel.

smackcrumplebang said...

Ah ha! ok. murky pool is clearer (grazi redfox - sorry your generally authoritative tone and blogger ID confusion bamboozled me into thinking you were also tigerbaps...)

am deranged, that is my sin... am listening to too much new wave electro.

Anonymous said...

Am posting anonymously, even tho hardcore BW supporter. Sorry. But isn't that what confessionals are supposed to be?
1) Am broke and have done nothing about earning more money. I always think something will turn up & it usually does
2) I borrowed money from my mother with no intention of paying it back after the first week of guilt had subsided
3) I have been unnecessarily cruel to someone who is grieving just because I don't like them and they have treated me badly. That's not really an excuse
4) I am so slothful that I make a sloth look like a 100m sprinter. I lie in bed all day playing on my laptop when i shld be doing Other Things like paying bills, EARNING MONEY & EVERYTHING ELSE
5) I don't really like most of my friends in the town where I live but use them so I don't have to go out for supper alone and have free therapy by talking at them.

That is my confession for today. I'm sure I can think of more things if I try

Layla said...

forgive me, Holy Tortoise surrogate, for I have sinned. And here is the brain-map of my sin:
http://tinyurl.com/lo8cba

Lisa said...

Confession #1 - I have been missing from here.
Confession #2 - I continue to wish for "other things"
Confession #3 - I could be your anon commenter, but I'm not.

Pochyemu said...

The absolute very worst thing I've done recently (as mentioned on twitter) happened the other night: Went out at 7pm with friends, told my husband I didn't know when I'd be back but that we were just going for a quick drink. Turns out, we had to play tennis, get a curry, and watch 2 DVD's before the quick drink part could happen. Spoke to husband around midnight and my mobile battery died as he was requesting a Dr Pepper on my way home. At 2am, decided should go home, thinking Rob would be asleep when I got there. Wrong! He had sat up ringing the police instead! Asking them to search for his missing wife who 'never gets home past midnight'. And he was just about to get a taxi 15 minutes drive to the town where I was, to conduct a ground body search for me. Needless was as angry and worried as I'd ever seen him. My response? Shouting "I can do whatever I like! I'm only 24 and I like to go out!" before flouncimg upstairs to bed. Maturity and sensitivity FAIL. Forgive me Tigerbaps! Holy Tortoise

Pochyemu said...

(and Jaiwalquer too), I have committed the sin of being an unholy, self rightious, immature bitch. I deserve to suffer for my sin. Oh and p.s. I didn't really care that Michael Jackson died, but pretended I did all day so colleagues wouldn't think I'm weird. Oh god! I deserve to be taken away, to a speci home for people who are as horrible as me!

justme said...

Good heavens! I am exhausted just READING all these sins! My life has clearly been too boring lately.....worst sin is that every time I go into a depatment store I go to the Creme de la Mer counter and 'sample' about £20 worth of cream as hand cream.......hmmmm.
As to all the sins in these comments.....most of them sound normal to me! Not sins at all. Definately not. And some sound like fun.... Like I said. My life is too boring.

Z said...

I let my husband and a friend drive 300 miles (round trip) to repair my car. It was their pleasure, let's face it - is this a confession or a boast? Probably the latter.

The confessional part is that I will not blog it - it's a pity really, as the train journey that I had to take is a story in itself. However, I have a reader who will be so righteous and nagging about it that I can't face it. I don't want to be told what I should have done.

I've been riding my luck again, but so do I always. Through sheer negligence, I should have lost £1,700, but as someone else was more alert on my behalf, I didn't. I've been generous to charity in consequence.

The worst thing of all, because of sheer disgustingness, is that when I went into a public loo (a unisex one) and the seat was up and it was full of urine, I removed a tampon and let it fall )yeah, there was a container but I couldn't be bothered to retrieve and wrap it) and then found the flush didn't work. I chucked in whole lots of paper to hide it, and thank Nathan no-one was waiting to go in after me - if there had been, I'd have looked disgusted and relied on aged wrinkles for an assumption it couldn't have been mine - but what could I do? I was hardly going to stick my hand into someone else's pee to get it out.

I can't blog that either. But only Completely Alienne among my chums reads this blog, that I know, so it'll stay a secret. My penance is not to blog it. Under no circumstances.

Anonymous said...

I am in a rage, not because our guest was teasing me about my cooking as I have allowed everyone to assume, but because despite running endlessly the last two weeks I appear to be gaining weight.

Anonymous said...

1. Contemplating taking up a man on his offer of 'making it worth my while' to grant him sexual favours. Said no at the time, but gave him my phone number.
This is NOT the same man I confessed to having sexytalktimes online and via text last confessional.
My boyfriend of 4 plus years has since come home from working overseas....
2. Assuring people I owe money to I can pay them on time, and hoping to god that's true when the time comes.
3. Thinking evil thoughts about liberating certain items from my workplace and quitting very soon with as little notice as possible.

Mother Knox said...

Right you horrible lot. I lack the pinny panache of Tigerbaps but I definitely have the cat's arse disapproval face and I am not afraid to use it.

Just call me MOTHER KNOX, The scots wummin ready to dole out good skelping to all you sinners. That is right. You will be getting a good knox taken to your despicable backsides.

Now to survey the sins. Line up and await yer punishments.

Jaywalker said...

Please Mother Knox, Can you do City Road first? He's enjoying it way too much.

Mother Knox said...

Now now Jaywalker, a good punishment needs time to mature. There shall be suffering ahead!

Mother Knox said...

Evitcha – I can find no sin here. Yet…my eye is on you though. You better keep up the good work or else.

Persephone – SHAME ON YOU. And your total lack of honesty. I expect better of a Waffle follower. Though if school is so foolish to have a back door for sinners to leg it out of then that is their own look out. Therefore I will overlook this. For now.

Beychen - You call this sin?! Away hame and try again. *tsk* What the benefits agency doesn’t know won’t hurt them. Penance: 2 hours trying to navigate round the their jobhunting website. That’ll learn you.

JChevais – Boss hating is no sin unless boss is rotting remains of Mother Theresa. Unfortunately. You leave me with little punishment to give you since you punish yourself by avidly listening to insane work colleague etc. Much like these stupid people who think running about in a snowstorm in nothing but their pants is a good idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXiTiTDB3EE Save yourself ya big wean.

DameEmma - Well you should be. There is a world out there to destroy! Politicians to spit on! But then you are a Dame so possibly this is your goal in life. Or maybe you yearn to look like this - http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/8985/barbaracartland.jpg Your punishment will be a sudden need for make up that makes you look like someone sprayed your face with dead spiders. And then a need to give the internet pictorial evidence of your new hell style.

The City Road - I too have scrabbly paws. (Do tortoises have paws?) And RAGE. And frankly you are having far far too good a time. That is DISGUSTING. I SENTENCE YOU TO A SERIOUS LACK OF FUN. UNDER THE DUVET. WITH THE LIGHTS OUT. WHILE WEARING A JIMMY HAT. Shameful shameful behaviour. Have an appropriately titled youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9y6phGKDso

Stupid Male – how aptly named you are and oh yes, you will have some fine Scottish disapproval burning your sin compiling arse. Great Trouble you make and Great Trouble you shall have. I sentence you to a week of taking flowers home to your long suffering wife. If that doesn’t give her a clue and an urge to slap you upside the head with a breezeblock then I don’t know what will. And a very very itchy backside. Can you feel that wee tickle on your left bumcheek? It makes your hip twitch as you sit. You must scratch it. But no it burns and itches more. So you have to scratch again. The only cure of the Knox curse will be to sit in a bath of ice water. Sit in it and remember me fondly while repeating ‘Forgive me Mother Knox.' Of course you won't be but it shall be fun for both of us.

eloh - You dis my sainted Michael Jackson?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-WVpQ0ZG8Q x 3 in HD to make up for your terrible crime.

Mother Knox said...

Emily – Yet another who dare to punish themselves before the Holy Wafflers get to them. Tch. Forgiven. Not forgiven. Forgiven. Forgiven. Book buying is never a crime in MK’s Really Big Book of Sin. Hmm not forgiven but CV’s are a punishment all of their own. As penance for your crimes you shall carry all your new books round your flat balancing one on your head the magical three times without dropping it whilst reciting your qualifications. You shall go to your doctor when your beloved tells you or I shall give them permission to drop the new books on your head while you sleep. Do your CV or feel further Knox wrath.
‘A lady’ is it? Indeed. *cats arse face* You only MENTALLY mocked someone for using the phrase ‘self soothe’? You will have NO FORGIVENESS FOR THAT. Unless of course you learn to develop your own cat’s arse face to look at them with while indulging in your mirror staring. Do your homework or Mother Knox will appear in your reflection and slap you one. 200 pages by Friday you lazy mare.

emily said...

my thanks for my penance - i managed three books but all 16 was a struggle - i can barely carry them all as a stack!
shall hasten away to do my cv now (slinks away)

Mother Knox said...

kathy - Mother Knox is torn on tea/Wolseley related thievery. Largely due to the fact she can’t afford to go there. And if she did she would be discovered shoveling all the tableware into her handbag with no thought to the consequences. Punishment: if you return there you have to nick a twirly tea strainer for Mother Knox.
Tsk you are a shameless wee sticky fingers aren’t you? He started it? What are you? 15? Another one in need of the MK remote boiler breaking. A cold shower or two will sort you out. And if it doesn’t the inevitable crap sex will.
As for job hunting and the pure unadulterated laziness that comes with it I sentence you to watching this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogY44aX5pHU Get up oot your leather chair or else.
Hairyhunterfamily – You OWN a 'Baby on Board' sign?! For that heinous crime alone you may never be forgiven. FOR SHAME. I bet you owned a pregnancy tshirt that said something like ‘Bun in the oven!’ or something equally as pukeworthy. Go and put on and say 10 forgive me Holy Keepers of the Waffle’s.

Ugh blaming an innocent child for your shoddy get up and go. Shocking. (Though MK is less inclined to dole penance out for this since she spent 12 years blaming the dog for her timekeeping. Even when it lived on the opposite side of the country to her. ) Moving on.

Jaywalker said...

Can I just say, my boss has just caught me practising my cat's arse face. That is all.

Mother Knox said...

Anonymous the first - 1)What the feck is a ‘million dollar family’when it is at home? What a load of pish people spout at new mothers. Unless in fact child was ejected from the womb clutching the money. And she will wish he had arrived in such a fashion since hand me downs from her first child will be right oot the windae won’t it?
2) Right hen get yoursel’ tae a doctor. Then if they say you are fine it is time to get over this nonsense. If you are that angry at yer man’s sperm shag him and shout at the condoms contents. Punishment is Mother Knox’s job.
3) Hell’s teeth and you want a million dollar family?! You are sure as shit making sure it costs one! Get off your arse and go get the money.
4) MK will let this one slide. She too has a sibling and the mentalness that comes with it.

Right Anonymous the second.
Another one taking it on herself to spread the punishment round with a large shovel. Mother Know takes a dim dim view of this. So dim MK is standing in the dark. The only lit thing is the fire she breathes from her nostrils. And she thinks you have a bucketful of contempt for partner bothering to ask nicely. But would skelp partner if they didn’t ask first. I bet the pair of you communicate by notes on the fridge. MK despairs. Punishment: No enjoying yourself solo till the next Waffle Confession. And dares you to leave a post it on the fridge saying ‘Sex? Yes Please.’

Nimble - you are a muppet. Learn to set alarms to remind yourself of where the hell you should be. I sentence you to a blogged book review of expensive book.

And all sinners: LEARN TO MOISTURISE YOUR SCALY PAWS. Or learn to love looking like the Holy Tortoise. Mother Knox recommends cocoa butter.

Remember too Sinners, Mother Knox gives you hellfire and brimstone because she loves you. Hell, someone has to.

Also practice your cat's arse face. Well done Mme Jaywalker. MK is proud of your efforts.

Mother Knox said...

Anonymous the 3rd – Aww doll, it is ok. You are under the care of the Waffleblog now. A Real Adult Woman is just as childish as the next person, the point is to do what you feel is right no matter whether you think you are a grown up or not. If he is forever texting and calling this woman while you are doing stuff to keep the household running then it is time for his Mother Knox punishment. If he wants time and space to misbehave on the phone and you to make the decisions then HE can do the damn parent taxi etc. Time for him to learn to multitask and stop being such a big wean. And take the children on holiday or out by himself while you get a time out to think about things. No rush. Have a cup of tea and some cake. And a good greet. Things will look a bit clearer after that. Have kitty who marches to the beat of his own…steel drum. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP0Yu71J95k

redfoxtailshrub – Pfft. Life choices are life choices and you have made them. Do not regret them but Mother Knox says husband better get a bit more say next time. Clearly he does not stand behind you shouting. So here is someone who will http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wijlLEriWYg Play before each decision in future.

Kate – 1) Mother Knox can not find it in her to care about a car. However penance there shall be. I sentence to you an hour of suffering and drying out car properly, hairdryer in hand.

2&3) Well clearly she is on yours so you can call it quits there and just glare at each other occasionally. Don’t be such a fearty.

4) Is there a shortage of fish fingers where you come from? Fish are brain food after all and then they may get the point you are trying to make. Another hour in the car for the lack of sneaky plotting in your household warfare. MK is disappointed in you. Unless of course you remembered to serve chips.

Red Shoes said...

All hail Mother Knox! Thank Nathan you arrived. Although, shackass, my penance is harsh! I mean, one of the Anonymous's penance is harsh. Good grief.

Off to practice my cat's arse face. I feel as though there should be a showing of cats arse face photos soon. Jaywalker, can you start us off? Think of the fun.

P.S. It feels weird to say 'arse'. Cat's ASS face, cat's ASS face! That's the American way.

a lady said...

yes, second that: a demonstration of the cat's arse face would be v. helpful in finishing penance. have been grimacing and squinting and am pretty sure have got it all wrong. on bright side, have only looked in mirror twice today.

Mother Knox said...

Anonymous the fourth? – Husband pimping is a sin Mother Knox doesn’t get to see often. She kind of likes it. Even though she can’t find the entry for it in the Really Big Book of Sin. One hand: Husband pimping. Other hand: New kitchen designed by Lovestruck. Husband pimping. New kitchen. Pimping. Kitchen.
Mother Knox: starting to wonder whether when your husband drops his kecks his genitalia play some kind of magical tune. Like this one maybe? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h018rMnA0pM
Aw hell, carry on.
Pinklea – Hrm, no not a sin in Mother Knox’s book. Nevertheless I will sentence you to an episode of CSI Miami. All hail the ginger terror that is Horatio Caine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeeyWvo1rNg
GingerB – Pfeh. That is a dribble of weaksauce sin. Improve your efforts for the next confessional. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf2Xl0UKaJ8 MK expects twirly moustache levels of sinning at the very least.
Anonymous the 970th - Mother Knox is wondering if she will have to start handing out punishments that involve a slapping round the heads of sinners with a Captain Obvious hat. Which reads ‘don’t fancy your partner? THEN WHY ARE YOU WITH THEM?’ What do they do? Save the world before breakfast and turn water into wine on a daily basis? Do they shit solid gold? PEOPLE – GET A GRIP HERE. On their personals or on your sanity, Mother Knox doesn’t care. But frankly if you don’t want to shag ‘em then really, let them fly. Let them be free to find new sexual pastures to gambol through. Or source them a good 2 for the price of 1 deal on blowjobs if you want to keep them. Would you keep a dog and no’ take it for walkies? MK is not going to assume the Waffleblog readers are in anyway pandas of the internet who only want sex on a once in a blue moon basis. Don’t lie to the Mother Knox – you all want to get your end away. Penance: watching grass grow. Twice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftPfhQ1ahpQ
Hothousing Parent – ‘Are there any readers of this blog who aren't philandering, wishing they were philandering, or living with somebody who is philandering?’ Mother Knox sincerely doubts it but is glad all the Waffleblog readers have at least one hobby.
Solution to charity problem. Tell child you are going to the Eccybeccybeesouch or some other gobbedlygook, shop. Soon when asked that question she will be giving an entirely different, incomprehensible answer. Either people will stop asking or you will start a new trendy word.
Though MK slightly mystified since isn’t charity the new black/ cheese/magenta with green stripes? Mother Knox has no idea and owns a nice collection of George clothing that will no doubt have a half life longer than plutonium. Still it will see her through any apocalypses.
Penance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaQCr4PIsHE

You crazy Americans will never sway the Mother Knox - An ass is a donkey. Embrace the r.

Mother Knox said...

Titian Red – The Mother Knox is… quite liking your sins. Particularly the one where you charge for doing laundry. Mother Knox is definitely going to apply that one to her own household. Carry on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJwd86x81SI
And MK thinks Munchkin Daughter deserves her own penance for her unwise words - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jco5QgfzfFg

smackcrumplebang - Mother Knox prescribes a nice cup of tea and a wee lie down for you. There may have sinning somewhere in there but MK just doesn’t know and therefore scuttling onwards. Have the greatest dancing lobster - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzrIBut8Fo8

Anonymous the 2175th – 1) This is a sin?
2) Tsk. Though MK guesses your foolish mother won’t do a titian red and liberate it from your pockets so the idiocy is undoubtably on both sides.

3) Mother Knox understands the inbuilt need to kick people when they are down (if this Confessional didn’t show that in spades) but is wondering why someone so slothful even feels the need to speak to someone they dislike so much. Not only is that a niceness fail that is a sloth fail. MK suspects grieving person is seconds away from having a crying fit right over your unsympathetic self and you will be well served with a punishment for both 3 & 4. So let that be a lesson to your lazy self.
5) Ooh look a another confession and a suffering negating the need for a penance again. MK would get more hellfire and brimstoneish but frankly Scotland is already too hot. Saving rage for worse weather. This reminds MK of her slothful sinners. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2BgjH_CtIA

Layla – What is this?! This is not sin, this is economical brain usage for the tennis season. SIN BETTER BEFORE MK FINDS HER RAGE. Pfft. And you didn’t even supply a hot tennis player for the Sinners. Get thee to google lady. 3 pics or feel MK wrath.

Lisa – Well show up then. Penance: One cat’s arse face to be posted to Waffleblog. Get to it you lazy half sinner or I will set Tigerbaps on you. *folds arms*

Pochyhemu – at last a decent juvenile sin Mother Knox can get her teeth into. She was falling asleep here. She could assign penance but that is no fun really. So: New rules for your inner 15 year old. Straight from Grandmother Knox when she dealt with MK as a teen. The 6 o’clock 12 o’clock rule. If you are staying out past 6pm you will phone home and say so. If you are staying out past midnight you will phone home and say so. If you fail to do this, when you get home and slam a door you will find Mother Knox standing behind it with cats arse face lit by a torch and the Pinny of Penance glinting in the dark. Fear the ruffles.
Actually no here is your penance – play this for your husband so he may point and laugh at you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

Mother Knox said...

Justme – MK looks kindly upon those who moisturise. Though next time steal Her Knoxness a sample. It may grant you a future indulgence.

Z – a 300 mile trip?! Where the hell were you? Stop parking the car on the Shetlands you numpty.
Mother Knox has to admit to being grudgingly impressed at the complete mingingness of your confession. Truly the most mucky sin of the month if not the whole year. That is so bad MK is uncertain she can apply any punishment that befits the crime. So won’t. If minging confession is untopped by the end of the year MK think the Waffleblog should award a suitably horrific prize.
General Penace: Blog the train trip and suffer the comments. You know you deserve them. Stop trying to slide out of it. MK will KNOW.


Anonymous the, who the hell knows, 4007th? - Weight rage? Mother Knox feels sure you are actually a wee skelf who probably needs to eat a deep fried mars bar or 30. Unless your arse actually has it’s own gravitational pull and shopping trolleys follow you home you have no problem in MK’s Rather Large Book of Complaints (especially if shopping trolleys come filled.) Go eat some chips. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o-Ib5zFA34

Anonymous number MK doesn’t give a flying moose.
1. Mother Knox suspects any man who feels the need to 'big' himself up as it were it won’t be worth your while but have at it. Sin, punishment and penance all in bite size pieces. Literally.
2. Sell a kidney.
3. Still not much sinning going on – MK could do with a new stapler though. I think these people are more desperate than you to escape. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZbovXum_SQ Say 3 Forgive me Waffleblogs and photocopy something interesting.

And FINALLY. A special youtube penance for Mme Jaywalker as Mother Knox finishes spewing her bile on Waffles for you all to choke down on (now there was a mental picture you needed)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scNLfr1EP08
Watch and then blog a decent transcription.

This is Mother Knox signing off and going to find some tea and chocolate.

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