Sunday, 3 May 2009

Why I should never be allowed to talk to pregnant women

For much of this weekend I have been sustained by the thought of a post I have been planning in my head about my gigantic nostrils, and how they grew repulsively over the course of my first pregnancy, until, after labour, they were unrecogniseably vast. I remember calling the CFO into the bedroom to show him my gigantic flaring nostrils. It would have been about three days after Lashes was born and I was completely off my head crazy. Some stupid, irresponsible person had allowed me to leave the hospital with a LIVE HUMAN BABY. Huh? No instructions. Nothing. Everytime I looked round, there it was. Still there. Sometime it cried but it was even more terrifying when it didn't. I used to hover watchfully above its tiny nest, feeling like vomiting with terror at the thought that shortly it would wake up and NEED SOMETHING. Something mysterious. And that helpful evolutionary mechanism whereby you are hyper vigilant at all hours of the day or night had kicked in. So there I was, wide eyed, sleepless, constantly on the look out for prowling sabre toothed tigers, unable to eat.


"MY NOSTRILS!" I shrieked at him, clawing at his pyjamas (dressing was beyond us). "Look!"


He hadn't slept much either.


"What? What's wrong? Are you ill? Do you have an infection is something wrong with the baby are you bleeding please take the drugs take the drugs take the drugs" he mumbled, slipping back into another labour flashback.



"They're HUGE! They've GROWN! Noone tells you this about labour. It's all about the tearing and bleeding and pain. Noone tells you anything about increased nostril size! Also.." here my voice dropped to a manic hiss "That BABY is still here!"


I can't remember how the conversation finished, but I feel confident I was probably crying and the CFO was probably thinking wistfully about one way flights to Mexico. The HUMAN BABY was still there, I know that.




Today, the human baby turned seven. They haven't come to reclaim him yet, and they better not bloody try because he's deliciously strokeable now and not nearly as terrifying as he used to be. I can send him to the corner shop for biscuits to avoid the attentions of Damien and he consoles me when I have a particularly dire parking day.




Happy birthday darling.




Ok, photo time.



1. Human baby and its cake. Yes. It's dirty, and it might very well be drunk. I don't know. I have barely seen it for three days. Cousins are very magical things.




That shadow? Oh, it's probably my nostrils.



2. Cake and cake model. YES. I made Ragigigas. I am the fucking EMPRESS OF POKEMON.


You remember the drill with my cakes. Whatever you do DO NOT ENLARGE THIS IMAGE.







This one comes with a health warning. Do not scroll down if you are pregnant or planning to have a child shortly and you value your nostrils. Neat, human sized nostrils.



Also, vanity and desire to entertain have been fighting this out in my head all evening.

I think you'll be able to tell which won. (No, don't enlarge this one either).




I am sick in the head putting this photo up, aren't I? Oh well.

38 comments:

Julia Ball said...

they are very clean nostrils :-)

justme said...

Hmmm. Am impressed that you have no HAIR in nosterils ( so named by child of friend many years ago and called such ever since) Look on bright side!
Cake looked wonderful. Did you mansge to produce that in house of Cif???? Am well impressed!¬
Bet you are glad you kept that baby now. He lovely.

sue said...

Fucking awesome cake. You have a child of loveliness, just look at his contented Pokemon cake face. Love him. Can't say I know about the pregnancy nostril thing, I was too off my face crying and doing a shit job to notice. Missed you loads, please don't go away again. Hope the stuff turned up.

tragicanon said...

happy birthday to the possibly drunk and deliciously dirty human baby.. oh how i long for the days when a few stains and a bit of food was all in a days work and play appearance-wise.. now i spend half my time making myself look clean and presentable and the other half trying to maintain the cleanliness.. am thinking of hiring a surrogate if i ever feel the procreation urge, this is just one more story to add to the long list of REASONS NOT TO BRING ANOTHER PERSON INTO THE WORLD list.. that and having a longterm possibly permanent relationship with someone i actually can't be in a room with for longer than an hour without hearing a peculiar and suffocating buzzing in my ears.. i need help!

katyboo1 said...

Thank god I was too busy worrying about everything else to look at my nostrils. I have no nostril flashbacks either.

I have just checked. Mine look ok. Maybe they started off preternaturally small and have just swelled to regular size?

Indeed, a brilliant cake. you are a cake goddess.

Anonymous said...

Amazing!

I only follow this blog for the weepette porn (and you deleted my one and only comment anyway *sniffs*), however I have to express amazement at the pokemen cake.

And the flaring nostrils. I am hard, I scrolled down.

Now, where's the weepette? Preferably with fushia shoes? *hopeful*

Jaywalker said...

I deleted your comment, anon? That's most unlike me. I never do that. What did you say? I can barely imagine.

G said...

You are in the money. The nasophilia community are waiting for you, with kleenex at the ready:
http://meltingclocktimes.com/noseporno.htm

Anonymous said...

D'ya know, I can't remember. Something about the weepette, but I don't remember it being especially offensive, only a bit random.

Praps I got that wrong! Anyway I am a hardcore reader (fan), undeterred by the reddest and most flaring of nostrils! And especially lured by the gorgeous posings of that most alluring muttette, the Weepette.

There, alert the Belgian authorities to a non-pervy form of Weepette porn, a desire to see said Weepette pose with shoes in a non-sexual manner without intention to abduct (see, this is why you deleted my previous comment!! :-))
From Loves the Weepette xx

Mr Farty said...

That cake is fenom- phenumin- amazing. No wonder the human baby is smiling. Or maybe it's just wind.

Er, congratulations on the nostrils?

redfoxtailshrub said...

Your urcheon is lovely, and the Pokemon cake is extremely impressive. It even looks tasty, which as we all know is not always the way with feats of the decorative arts.

I fear that I am now filled with impolite curiosity about the consequences of being without nostril hair. Is it inconvenient when you have a cold? Or does it perhaps make it easier to blow your nose thoroughly? Does it interfere with your nose's ability to warm cold air before it hits your lungs? (Air possibly not ever really frigid enough in Belgium for this to be a problem.) Do you find yourself breathing noticeably more soot when you are in London?

Jaywalker said...

The more I look at Ragigigas the more I think he looks like he's wearing one of Gary Glitter's old stage outfits. On reflection, the glitter probably wasn't the best plan ever. Ah well.

Anon, it sounds like an accident. I would never deliberately delete anything from a weepette lover. Hmm. Shoes, you say?

Anonymous said...

Shoooes and the weepette*

Anon xx

*feels like she's bonding with Jaywalker

Maternal Tales said...

Ok I know I wasn't meant to, but I did enlarge the photos - hee hee - feela bit naughty? Nostrils hilarious and cake damn fine - how did you make the claws? They look like cashew nuts, but I think I may be wrong?!

Katy Newton said...

I'm a bit disappointed at the absences of a "before" picture for the nostrils. Good cake, though.

Katy Newton said...

Absence. Not absences. My keyboard adds letters when I'm not looking.

elohssanatahw said...

I am also in awe of the spotlessly clean and hairless nostrils.

Was this a requirement of your recent stay at the beloved BIL?

Or was this possibly performed whilst you slept in the realm of the evil BIL?

Iheartfashion said...

The cake is beautiful! Love the glitter.
As for the nostrils, I've never heard that one about pregnancy, although I know a woman whose entire nose enlarged during pregnancy, and many whose feet ended up a size larger. One more reason never to be pregnant again...

Potty Mummy said...

You may be sick in the head but you do a mean line in cake decorations. And just look how happy Lashes is!

Pochyemu said...

After this weekend, I have new-found appreciation for your mad kake skillz, bruv. Word. Also, congrats at surviving Sanimaison! You're bursting with stories you can't tell, aren't you?...or can you???

Pochyemu said...

Also, happy birthday to your child. He looks like a seasoned Pokemon hunter. Or a drunken sailor. From his photo, I'd respect him either way. WV = brokin...like my heart when you Went Away...

Kate said...

Happy birthday to your boy and to you as well. You've kept him alive 7 years. That's awesome.

I think my nostrils might be bigger too... though I wonder if I didn't just stretch them out picking them all the time after C was born. I was so damned bored. And it was winter in Canada. Lots of boogers, lots of time stuck inside. Lots of picking, I suppose.

And because it's been a while - Word Verification: you've done a "euperb" job being a mom so far. (euphorically superb?)

Sinda said...

Happy Birthday, Lashes...and happy birthday to you too, Nostrils.

GingerB said...

You shouls congratulate yourself on the lack of broken blood vessels that add so much color to a nostril that size becomes only secondary. I feel envy, again.

Fabulous birthday cake!

vw: tummea

Layla said...

I can't decide which is scarier, cake or nostrils. Looking forward v.much to "Emma's Truly Terrifying Cake Book". Eat your heart out, Jane Asher...

Now please make cake representing Beautiful Mexican Boy. With the incorporation of a little graveyard dirt, the cake can also function as voodoo love charm. There could also be chapter in book on Voodoo Cakes, plus cooking voodoo cakes to order will be useful line for your 'Frightening Food' company.

See how focused I am on creating career opportunities using your natural talents and proclivities, in order to save you from the quotidien dreariness of the Corridor of Ennui?

ps Best Friend has just arrived for visit, and we are settling down happily for long sessions of character assassination of our respective Little Sisters.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

JW, 17 years post-pregnancy, having been left with feet that never went back to their original pretty size 5 daintiness, and boobs that never managed to squeeze back into pre-baby blouses, I am left only with the following comment, you have beautiful lips!

And you can make cakes for England - and probably Belgium and the Netherlands too. Congrats for having survived childbirth - Mine was drugs free (smug face!), and your child is endlessly adorable - And 7, such a sweet age to be...

mothership said...

Am SPEECHLESS (metaphorically) at the bravery of posting the photo of your nostrils.
I couldn't really focus on whether they were preternaturally large or not, although thanks for the new obsession. I shall be pestering Husband with before/after questions for the next millennium or so.
A standing ovation for the Pokeconfection! Superb!
Four turns five in a couple of weeks and there is much talk of a Hungry Caterpillar composed of cupcakes.
Any chance you might come and make it? Have 2s6D in cash.

Mrs Jones said...

Hmm, feel you may have to do a reminder post about the general all-over hairlessness of your being although I would appreciate you answering redfoxtailshrub's questions as I'd ask the same ones. Having a nose so hairy inside I have to trim it with scissors (don't ask, just don't ask...) I wonder what it would be like to have naked nostrils....

I'd eat that cake - and the human child too as he looks utterly edible.

And please post indiscreet but hilarious tales of the BIL. We won't let on we know - you can pretend it's a 'blogue' about some other weird germphobic people you know in case they read it (since the CFO spilled the beans on that).

Clare said...

Sunday morning flattery - by bravely displaying your nostrils you have also revealed your perfect cupid's bow lips, Mme Jaywalker. You could model a cake on them alone. Human baby is also fine specimen. Birthday wishes to him.

Jaywalker said...

Julia Ball - Thank you dearest. Specially sterilised.

Justme - yes, he's ok. Soon he will be too big to send up chimneys though.

Sue - the crying! the hypervigilance! the CRAZY. Thank you so much for the stuff. It was so good. SO SO GOOD.

tragicanon - no, don't bother. Have a puppy or something. Your nostrils are precious.

Katyboo - it's kind of shit really, but glitter creates selective cake blindness.

G - I love, how in your rare comments on these pages, you always manage to lower the tone even further. Who would have thought it possible?

Mr Farty - congratunostril! (with respect to Steamy and her original congratuscrotum)

Redfoxtailshrub - I will take up your and Mrs Jones' challenge to write more about hairlessness. But briefly, I have never missed nostril hair.

Maternal tales - are your retinas burning? They are white wine gums sliced into 3 segments.

Katy Newton - you see, it defines never knowing what you had 'til it was gone. I never thought to photograph my dainty nostrils before.

elohssanatahw - anything is possible. I am imagining him sneaking in, gloved up, to irrigate my nasal cavitites now. Thanks.

Iheartfashion - I suppose it might just be me. I am planning to give teen abstinence lectures, flaring my nostrils at the children.

PM - he was. Though he tried to change the green bits with a pencil because they were smooth when they were supposed to be shaggy.

Pochyemu - not so much, actually. I told the best one on twitter.

Kate - that might be it I suppose. But I think it was the SCREAMING.

Sinda - thank you! I am flaring them in your direction.

Ginger B - oh but I do! Plenty of them. They must have been swallowed up in the gigantonostril.

Layla - yes! YES. Do you know any publishers? Shall we put together a pitch?

Woman - yeah, me too. Hence CFO's pitiful pleading (take the drugs! please, stop screaming and TAKE The DRUGS'). I don't know what I was trying to prove.

Mothership - VHC made of cupcakes is not too hard. You will be fine. You have a gazillion shaped tins! You live in Stepford!

Mrs Jones - you're on for hairless post. The BIL wasn't all that. I could tell you about the dishwasher and oven if you want?

Clare - you are so sweet to actually manage to find something positive to say about my gigantic septum.

Mrs Jones said...

It dawned on me today, while in the garden (be grateful, I could have been on the loo...) what our relationship reminds me of (um, bet you never realised that I considered us to have a 'relationship' - sounds a bit stalky - but, hey, there it is...). You are definitely the Lucia to my Quaint Irene (note I didn't compare myself to Mapp although there's many a day when that can't be said) Kway Hi!

Nikki said...

That cake is FREAKING AWESOME. I had to recreate Pablo (from 'The Backyardigans'-- a blue penguin wearing beanie, for the uniniated), and Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber from 'VeggieTales' (A, well, tomato and a cucumber-- but with eyes... and a TOOTH for the cucumber). I am mightily impressed by your prowess.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That cake IS awesome. I made a similar one for the husband last month, only instead of Ragigigas it was boobies. Give em what they like, right?

Also, mad props for posting those nostrils. I think the nice pretty bow on your top lip totally makes up for them, though. Show off.

Jaywalker said...

Mrs Jones - oh, no, that doesn't sound deluded at all. We have a relationship. I have a relationship with all of you except the ones that come here for naked pole vaulters. Actually, them too.

Nikki - do you have a picture? I LOVE other people's cakes.

Steamy - I sort of feel you are my inspiration, pushing the boundaries of taste that little bit further until I feel comfortable posting a photo of my nostrils where you can see right up to my BRAIN. So, um, thank you. I think.

Millennium Housewife said...

My naval grew in pregnancy, huge. More huge than your nostrils. It grew again in the second pregnancy. And never went back even though I breast fed until I vomited trying to get the contractions to reach my naval. It now hangs, limply like some spare labia with no useful job (although do the real labia have a use? I'm not sure over to you).

Jaywalker said...

Millenium Housewife - OH GOD. I am looking at my monostril with greater fondness now.

(also DAVID ROSS. Save your pennies and he will build you a beautiful, beautiful navel. He was in Harpers guide to plastic surgeons and everything).

Lisa said...

Oh how you make me laugh!

Happy birthday to your precious human baby.

BITTER OLD BITCH said...

All hail the pokémon empress!

Seriously, that's a sweet frikkin' cake! (no pun intended!)