I am all about the people pleasing, so I feel I need to do a little market research to ensure you are getting the Waffle you desire. Your custom is important to me, and in order to serve you better, I would urge you to please complete the Waffle Questionnaire below. If you take a few moments to do so, you will be entered into a prize draw making you eligible for a vague promise from me to send you 'something' 'sometime' which will never materialise into actual stuff, causing you to hate and resent me. There are many of you who can testify to this.
1. You are a girl aren't you? If no, please move to questions 1b - f
1b Are you sure? If no, move to 1c
1c Then you're gay, aren't you? If no, move to 1d
1d Really? If yes, move to 1e.
1e Gosh, ok. Right. Why are you here? Did you get lost on your way to one of those interesting keyword searches? Belgian Housewife Sluts or something? Slattern here, not slut. Less thrilling, more moths. I don't actually believe 'you' exist. Show me a copy of your passport.
1f Don't you find the emotional incontinence and discussion of clothes a bit, you know, nauseating? Not even the man I have lived with for the last fifteen years reads this. He would rather clean up weepette sick.
2. How did you end up here?
a) Looking for Belgian Sluts
b) Sunday Times Top 100
c) Another blogger's recommendation/blogroll
d) I like tortoises
e) I do not know or care, I only come here to laugh at you. I feel slightly sick and ashamed afterwards, as if I have binged on peanut M&Ms.
3. What is your favourite feature?
a) Confessional and all the other bits where you tell us what a fuckwit you are
b) Delicious recipes and handy tips for homemakers
c) Angst ridden mournful pieces about death and misery
d) Weepette porn
e) Repulsive outsider craft projects
g) The fact that the commenters are much funnier than the actual posts. I used to like it when you replied to all the comments but now you are a lazy bitch and only do it every few days or so. You are shit.
4. Are you looking forward to the Village Fête 2009? What categories would you particularly like to see in this year's event?
5. Would you like me to show you some Belgian election videos tomorrow? Apparently they are FANTASTIC. If yes, can someone explain to me how to embed video content?
6. This blog looks like shit visually, doesn't it? Should I bother doing something about it? If so, what?
7. If you could change one thing about Belgian Waffle, what would it be?
I think my hour is up. There is a filthy urchin clawing at my mouse and querying the economics of blogging. His questions are valid and his fingerclaws are disgusting. I must go. Thank you for participation. Or not. It is Saturday after all, the day when noone in their right minds is on the internet.