Saturday, 23 May 2009

Reader Satisfaction Survey

I am hiding in my bed, listening to the cacophony of shouting, barking and bellowed instructions outside. I have no clue in the world what is going on out there, but I know I want no part of it. Where are the cupcakes, the adult conversation, the reading and the luxuriant hours sitting in cafés? Pah. The next hour holds the giddying prospect of tidying the children's bedrooms so that the babysitter doesn't actually have convulsions when she comes tonight.

I am all about the people pleasing, so I feel I need to do a little market research to ensure you are getting the Waffle you desire. Your custom is important to me, and in order to serve you better, I would urge you to please complete the Waffle Questionnaire below. If you take a few moments to do so, you will be entered into a prize draw making you eligible for a vague promise from me to send you 'something' 'sometime' which will never materialise into actual stuff, causing you to hate and resent me. There are many of you who can testify to this.


1. You are a girl aren't you? If no, please move to questions 1b - f

1b Are you sure? If no, move to 1c

1c Then you're gay, aren't you? If no, move to 1d

1d Really? If yes, move to 1e.

1e Gosh, ok. Right. Why are you here? Did you get lost on your way to one of those interesting keyword searches? Belgian Housewife Sluts or something? Slattern here, not slut. Less thrilling, more moths. I don't actually believe 'you' exist. Show me a copy of your passport.

1f Don't you find the emotional incontinence and discussion of clothes a bit, you know, nauseating? Not even the man I have lived with for the last fifteen years reads this. He would rather clean up weepette sick.

2. How did you end up here?

a) Looking for Belgian Sluts

b) Sunday Times Top 100

c) Another blogger's recommendation/blogroll

d) I like tortoises

e) I do not know or care, I only come here to laugh at you. I feel slightly sick and ashamed afterwards, as if I have binged on peanut M&Ms.

3. What is your favourite feature?

a) Confessional and all the other bits where you tell us what a fuckwit you are

b) Delicious recipes and handy tips for homemakers

c) Angst ridden mournful pieces about death and misery

d) Weepette porn

e) Repulsive outsider craft projects

f) Tortoises

g) The fact that the commenters are much funnier than the actual posts. I used to like it when you replied to all the comments but now you are a lazy bitch and only do it every few days or so. You are shit.

4. Are you looking forward to the Village Fête 2009? What categories would you particularly like to see in this year's event?

5. Would you like me to show you some Belgian election videos tomorrow? Apparently they are FANTASTIC. If yes, can someone explain to me how to embed video content?

6. This blog looks like shit visually, doesn't it? Should I bother doing something about it? If so, what?

7. If you could change one thing about Belgian Waffle, what would it be?

I think my hour is up. There is a filthy urchin clawing at my mouse and querying the economics of blogging. His questions are valid and his fingerclaws are disgusting. I must go. Thank you for participation. Or not. It is Saturday after all, the day when noone in their right minds is on the internet.


exromana said...

My friends MrsT and Rachel Spence referred me to your blog- and I thank them for doing so. Enjoy it a lot- esp the recipe tips (cakes for eg.) Adore the writing style; always have a good laugh. Only humble suggestion would be perhaps a different design/background (only bec I am really into the visual- bt that is completely personal and subjective). Lovely blog, keep it coming.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

I am on Internet. Supposed to be in bedroom poking for lost DS. Now covered in dust. No DS tho did find a montblanc pen and a chequebook. Nor did I find TM's birth certificate and passport. Hope someone hasn't nicked it to clone his identity. Though he is 5, so possibly not very useful for most fraudulent purposes. Anyway I was going to answer your questionnaire. Customer satisfaction measures are crucial: but what are your KPI's? How will you recognize success? No, I don't know the answer to that either.

the queen said...

I find your complaints about your children delightful. I never had children I like it when you reinforce my decision. I would be especially pleased if you said the weepette was not house trained.

OH, and the writing. Yeah, I like that too.

Anonymous said...

3a) and 3d) (the weepette is irresistible!)

The writing is excellent and extremely funny, please continue service as normal, you have my endorsement! *royal wave*

Persephone said...

Look, I would show you my passport but there's a picture in it of a woman who looks like a concentration camp guard. How I stay off the "no-fly" list, I'll never know.

I came to you via Marie Phillip's blog. I like the Confessional, the repulsive crafts and the comments. (Yes, I do miss the individual replies, but I'm needy.)

I'll take whatever turns up at the Village Fête, although I liked the veggie carvings and the cakes the best.

The visual presentation of the blog bothers me not one whit. It's the writing that counts.

redfox said...

1. I am a girl! How clever of you to guess.

2. I think I wound up here during the original Village Fête adventures, by way of Antonia.

3. I do love confessional, but mainly I am happy any time you tell a story about anything that happened to you. Tales of your own childhood are a nice treat. Bizarre handicrafts also greatly appreciated (see below).

4. I am looking forward to Fête 2009, though I have so far proven myself to be far too much of a feeb to produce anything myself. As many lunatic craft events as possible, especially those that require the participants to produce small animals in a wide variety of media. I wonder if there is some way to incorporate games into the event, somehow. What could be an internet version of a three-legged race?

5. If videos are fantastic, go for it! Are they available on YouTube or Vimeo? Those sites both generally make it very easy to do embedding, giving you the code for doing so right there on the page where the video is hosted on their site.

6 and 7. You could freshen up the look if you liked. I vote for something clean and boring, with plenty of room for all the lovely words I like to read so much. A white background, perhaps. Is something like this too cold or impersonal, do you think?

redfox said...

Eeeehhh, I don't know about that template that I just posted. I like it on its own terms but it seems too slick for the purpose.

Mrs Jones said...

1. Yes, although the amount of facial hair I currently sport and my love of kung fu films would seem to suggest otherwise.

2. I don't recall how I ended up here, via someone else's blogroll I think but it was last year and I'm too full of chocolate to remember.

3. Pretty much all of it but I have to agree with (g).

4. I am beside myself with excitement at the prospect of Village Fete '09. As you know (& I'm boring myself here), I make & sell jewellery online & at craft fairs and, as such, am marinated in the ways of the English Village Fete - I'm doing 4 this summer alone. At these I'm always delighted by the vegetable animals but you've got that covered. There's often a tug-of-war - could you arrange for the tortoises to partake? And you generally can't move for small children doing bloody maypole dancing (and it's always the same tune), so could the boys improvise here? There's always a hog roast and a beer tent. And one I do in West Chiltington always has a dog's fancy dress parade - I feel there's obvious potential there...

5. Not terribly thrilled with the prospect of Belgian election videos but if they're that good then why not? No, can't help with embedding, I tried to do it myself recently with a fabulous video of the centre of the galaxy over Texas but couldn't so, actually, I'd quite like to know how to as well.

6. Actually I don't think your blog looks too bad - I'd just change the pictures down the sides from time to time.

7. I would like you to find true happiness but then, if you did, you'd be too blissed out to blog about how rubbish your life is, so don't.

There, I think that's comprehensively answered everything - I'm nothing if not conscientious.

katyboo1 said...

100% satisfied although note that prog rock's promised updated book list has not happened yet. How will I ever know if I am going to have more than one book a life time in common with him if this does not happen?

No to Election Videos thanks, unless you send them with cakes.

Can't remember how I found you, just utterly grateful that I did and keep finding you every day.

Did you know that Nancy Mitford kept torts?

michele Bragger said...

i am a girl. this is the first time i'm reading your blog and have to say i'm smitten!
found your blog via la bellette rouge was intrigued by your blog title in her blogroll...and here i am.
i'm looking forward to future posts and delving into the archives to learn more about weepette, and the other things referenced that i know nothing about.
so far i would say i like your writing style and attitude. and the way you described yourself in your profile...(the picture of the endive and playmobil figure is nice too.)
yeah it's a saturday and i'm in that state of inertia where the kids aren't booked for something, the house is a mess and it's either go out and enjoy or clean the house or sit inert a moment or two in front of the laptop after checking emails...excuses, excuses! slattern is a word you don't come across everyday! seems apropos today.

justme said...

Well you KNOW I like your blog, cos I have been hanging around for ages. Despite fact that I suspect I have offended you in some way... Can only answer questionnaires with boxes to tick these days however. But am looking forward to village fete 2009. Mrs Jones' suggestion of dog fancy dress parade sounds good.
Am on internets sat night too. Guess that makes me officially sad.
Or cool. Whatever.

Titian red said...

I am girl, (with boys name which is fun as it screws with childrens heads)
I found you thro LucyFishwife, blame her.
I lurve all of it, but the realisation I do not have monopoly on grief and woe is reassuring, likewise wheepette joys
I am agog for village fete - do they throw wet sponges ? Elections, I can't be bothered with ours, why would I do yours ?
Visuals, it is English not cuneiform there is no problem.
What would I change ? More photos to prove it isn't all some drug raddled dream
There you go.......

@eloh said...

Everything, Everything I read is directly or indirectly linked back to Antonia.

She has some pretty extensive archives, I was there a month before I even looked anywhere else.

I'm fairly sure you were my second to look and read.

Anonymous said...

1. I am female, yes, much as it pains me to admit it.

2. (b) - I did find you through the Times Top 100. I went though the entire 100, bookmarked about 10 blogs, and yours is the only one I kept longer than about a month.

3. I like all of your features, but I am partial to the confessional and the Weepette porn. Your writing style amuses me greatly and I frequently read it out loud, much to the annoyance of my roommates.

4.The Village Fete was amusing, definitely. I am looking forward especially to seeing the cakes.

5. If Belgian politicans are anything like other Belgians, then yes, I would have to see some election videos. (I live in the US, so it's unlikely I'd see them any other way). But no, I have no idea how to embed them

6. Honestly, I don't care how your blog looks. The layout has never bothered me at all. Just promise me that, if you do change it, it won't become really colorful or busy.

7. Honestly, I like it the way it is. If I had to change something, I would like to see more pictures.

Your blog is wonderful (I know you don't believe it) and I look forward to checking it every day.

Robert Hudson said...

I am all man. I come to laugh at your puny insecurities. I mean: I come to laugh. Also, you have convinced me to have children.

indigo16 said...

Yep, I'm all woman the last time I looked. Plus Mr neanderthal would never fall for a lady boy would he? You can than the illustrious Balette Rouge for my patronage, I am here because just when I think my lot seems all too shit you top trumps me nearly every time. Although my kids are bigger and my dog would eat yours for a leettle lite snack!
Plus I bet you at this very moment in time are not being serenaded by your youngest playing frere jacque on electric guitar.
I would change nothing other than the hideous institutional blue background.

deililly said...

1. 60% girl 20% eejit 20% TBD

1e I have lost my passport. Could you please ask Holy Tortoise if he has seen it?
1f Men. Who can explain them. As long as he does actually clean up the weepette sick though.

2. How did you end up here?
d & f - I bumped into you in the HiveMind of Twitter. I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

3. What is your favourite feature?
All the letters and more!

4. Are you looking forward to the Village Fête 2009? What categories would you particularly like to see in this year's event?
Yes. I make no requests. Genius should just allowed to flow.

5. Would you like me to show you some Belgian election videos tomorrow? Apparently they are FANTASTIC. If yes, can someone explain to me how to embed video content?
Pls. I am not the technical though if on youtube I think it has a handy bit of code next to it you copy and paste. Other than that I am clueless.

6. This blog looks like shit visually, doesn't it? Should I bother doing something about it? If so, what?
I will make you a banner in photoshop if you like?

7. If you could change one thing about Belgian Waffle, what would it be?
The blog? The person? The foodstuff? HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT QUESTION?!

Titian red said...

Not relevant but thought you might like to see there are smily pharmacists in the UK.

The City Road said...

1b ->
1c Only during LFW ->
1d ->
"Gosh, ok. Right. Why are you here?"

So saving the difficult questions for last huh? I don't know, but your seeming attempt to document a car crash by exploring every aspect of the interior upholstery is unnervingly brilliant. I don't see it as gender specific...

"Show me a copy of your passport."

That reminds me, it's expired. Another thing around here that needs to be sorted.

1f "Don't you find the emotional incontinence and discussion of clothes a bit, you know, nauseating"

It's how the rest of my life is anyway, but with better punctuation. I work in Fashion. and IT. Oh the drama...

2. "How did you end up here?"

c) "Another blogger's recommendation/blogroll"

Well, another follow on Twitter. LLG has a lot to answer for...

3. What is your favourite feature?

a) Confessional and all the other bits where you tell us what a fuckwit you are

d) Weepette porn

And because you say things like "I am a packing failure of immense proportions."

4. Are you looking forward to the Village Fête 2009? What categories would you particularly like to see in this year's event?

Trepanning while you wait?

5. "If yes, can someone explain to me how to embed video content?"

Can do. Just ask.

6. "This blog looks like shit visually, doesn't it? Should I bother doing something about it? If so, what?"

No - we come for the writing; indeed we come for the picture of your desk with hand-written numbers on them which then got scanned back in so that you could refer to said numbers. Genius.

7. If you could change one thing about Belgian Waffle, what would it be?

That you post hourly?

Anonymous said...

Mistake! Please don't attempt to change in order somehow to 'cater' to your readers. We love your blog because it's so you - not because we want you to tell us something that is somehow tailored to what we want to hear...

River said...

I didn't answer all your questions, but I a girl, I came here via someone's blogroll, I stick around because I find you interesting.

kcm said...

1. No; 50% boy, 10% girl, 40% left thumbs.
1b. I'm not sure about anything anymore
1c. Very definitely not.
1d. See 1b.
1e. GOK
1f. Sometimes
2. GOK, but I now seem to be trapped.
3. Anything I can relate to; which as I don’t relate to anything much, anywhere, isn’t much
4. Paper crafts. Pin the tail on the politician.
5. No thanks; UK politicians are enough of a joke.
6. Only if you can be arsed and really have nothing less pressing to waste time on.
7. Your sanity; but in which direction I really couldn't say :-)

bevchen said...

Yes, I am a girl. At least I was the last time I checked. Came here from Katyboo's blog. Umm... what were the rest of the questions? Oh yes, what do I like? The confessional. Also the writing style. You make me laugh. Actually I just like it all. I don't think I'm interested in belgian election videos though.

Jaywalker said...

Exromana - oh yes, I am all about the delicious food. Why, this very lunchtime one of those giant tapeworm sausages has been festering on the barbecue. Brrrr.

Mrs T - I think perhaps I should get the CFO to knock me up a spreadsheet, no?

The queen - they are unremittingly demanding, children. As for the weepette it is more or less house trained, but prone to vomiting in corners. Does that help?

Anon - would you like him? You can have him.

Persephone - I do try to reply and I will continue. I like doing it.

redfox - vegetable animal RACES! Yes. Genius. M, I am handing over to you at this point for technical advice.

Mrs Jones - I feel sure you are safe, I am unlikely to be capable of true happiness, whatever the fuck that might be. Unless they let me move into Liberty. Tug of war is a good idea. Hmm.

Katyboo - I will email him this instant for an update. There were a lot of economic meltdown tomes last time he was here.

Michele Bragger - first visit AND you complete the questionnaire! Gold star for you.

Justme - god you have NOT offended me, woman. I would have loved to do tickboxes but it was technically beyond me. Most things are.

Titian - they village fete is purely virtual so I am not sure how the wet sponge throwing would work. We have a month or so to think about it though. Get to work!

@eloh - you and Antonia have a big old mutual love affair going on, don't you? Her archives are very wonderful. I did the same when I discovered her (thanks Léonie)

Anon - well you are just LOVELY. If I could fix the fictitious prize draw so you win I totally would. Thank you so much. xx

Robert Hudson - you can have mine if you want. They are extra specially painful today and have just tried to fire a gun up the weepette's arse.

indigo16 - done, darling. See? People pleaser.

Delilly - I have wanted to write something about living surrounded by men for a while. I feel like I am drowning in man a lot of the time. Weirdoes. What kind of banner would you make me? Kate tried to do one but I BROKE HER. Didn't I Kate?

Titian - hmph. It's Not Like That. The whole thing should be shot in crimson red of mortification.

The City Road - wow, you are also extremely lovely and a very comprehensive responder; also the thing about the car crash made me laugh a lot. You can share the fixed prize draw with anon.

Anon - do not fear, it was supposed to be langue in cheek and a spurious way of finding out if I do in fact have ANY male readers. But think of it as a tiny glimpse into the maelstrom of insecurity and competing impulses that people my head. Lovely.

River - thank you!

kcm - my sanity is just fine right where it is, thanks. Balanced on a knife edge. perfect.

Bevchen - no, the people in general don't seem desperately excited by the prospect of election videos. But apparently one of them cannabalises an episode of Derrick! And another candidate runs through all the fountains of Brussels to Eye of the Tiger! Surely I can tempt you?

pplongstocking said...

I am a girl, or at least I think I was the last time I looked... Haven't had a waxing for a bit so consequently feeling a bit manly at the mo...

I found your blog through Tartetartans Blog who seems to be on a bit of a blogging sabbatical right now.

I read your blog, because you have a way of turning your day to day stuff into wonderful prose..
and I don't feel so alone when you post pictures of the chaos that is the table from which you blog.

I would say change nothing about your blog.. as it seems to be very successful the way it is running right now. Though if you think the look of your blog page is a bit crap, then you could always just jiggle it around a bit for fun.
I changed mine around a bit, but purely for personal pleasure, I think that people visit for the content rather than the packaging.

3limes said...

The truth is I have often wondered, why oh why do I click each day to find out what is unravelling in a home over 3000 miles away in cloudy Brussells. ( I know, I have been there many a time, the sun skips over Belgium). And yet click I do, like a chewy toffee, or a day time soap, I return for more. The big difference being that your blog is good for me. Your intelligence and wit shine through your ascerbic writing. Were it not for the manner in which you describe weepete porn, it would simply be weepy and sad. Don't change a thing, keep baking, keeping turtling, keep writing. And I will keep tuning in for more,

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Definitely a girl. Found your blog via another ex-pat blog, can't remember which but you were talking about how you met the CFO at the time and I couldn't get enough. Don't change, layout is not what we come for. I read your desperate tales thinking, one day there'll be a breakthrough and all suffering will be gone. Have no idea what the Village Fete 2009 is about, I guess I'm a relative newcomer. Love the confessionals etc and the comment replies but how on earth do you have time? And usually I comment too late when everyone else is on to the next post anyway. It must be the different time zone?!

livesbythewoods said...

Yes, definitely a girl. Hurrah. Love the blog, not bothered about the layout, I just come to steal your ideas, as you know.

Backing up what everyone else has said, do this for you, not for us. We'll be back because we adore how you tell us all your news. And that.

pogoism said...

1) c. I'm a gay. It hadn't actually dawned on me that this blog would only attract girls and gays. And now I feel like a stereotype :P

2) I found you through someone else's blogroll, though I can't actually remember who.

3) Weepette porn, for sure. And you complaining about your kids. I don't normally read comments on blog, but the ones here are funny.

4) I'm not sure what the Village Fete is. I haven't been following you that long...

5) YES! Please do!

6) Yeh, it took me ages trying to find the post a comment button... It was at the end of the comments. Move it to Wordpress, it's prettier.

7) Don't change anything! It's marvelous as it is.

deililly said...


I will give this a shot. After all if Dooce can wear odd banners in a stylish way why not you?

To start me just give me three items, 3 colours and a line - is Belgium still the new black?

Brussels Dave said...

1. I am a Bloke.

1b Sure I'm sure.

1c No, I'm a straight Bloke.

1d I have loads of gay friends, so I'm sure one of them would have spotted by now if I weren't.

1e I arrived via some other Brussels blog, which was obviously less interesting than yours since I don't look at whichever it was anymore. I'll email a copy of my passport if it helps.

1f In all honesty I find you rather interesting, and I'm no stranger to emotional incontinence - which is anyway easier to deal with when cold-filtered by the intertrons.

2. See 1 e). Your blog is more interesting and better written than 100% of the others in our sample. And I don't laugh at you, but sometimes get a warm tingle which could be interpreted as "fellow feeling" if I weren't just some random software living in your computer.

3. As a fellow resident I feel for you when you rant about supermarkets and post offices. You are not shit, in any detectable way, as far as I can see. Confessions are fun too, though.

4. Will you hate me if I say no?

5. You have proved that they are Belgian and shit, as one might have expected.

6. Content trumps presentation, I reckon, but I'm a engineer so what do I know?

7. I'd like it if you felt less shit about things generally but I suppose then you'd have less to blog about, so I'd have one less excuse for not working or sorting out my bank statements. I am thus Conflicted.

monk said...

Anxiety and google led me to your door, and I have clawed at it ever since.

I want more reasons why I live in Brussels. I need daily affirmation. With time I hope to provide some of that myself, but for now I need your help.

And for the village fete, sculpted animals and cake must have central stall.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I am girl, woman, I am slattern - I am here for Weepette Porn and pictures of pre-pubescent, adorable enfants, so far removed from my lovely teen son (stinking of cannabis and illicit booze)...

I know not how I found the Waffle - Allegedly via my love of Frambosenbier and Belgian Chocolate, oh and Moules Frites...

I was here before the Sunday Times, I swear, and I named the Holy Tortoise, I did!

And I can't remember the rest of les questions, mais je t'aime le Waffling de Belge, parce que tu es aussi folle que moi! xxx

Artichoke Queen said...

1. I am a girl, yes, I can tell because I like to shop and I like cake.
2. No idea -- through some fortuitous clicking of random links.
3. a, b, c, g
4. Am particularly looking forward to the village fete DECORATIONS!!
5. No, but I'm apparently too late.
6. I like the visuals. It's easy to read and not too crammed with shit. No complaints here.
7. I wouldn't change a thing about the waffle, it is frequently the highlight of my day. I feel lucky to have found it (and you!)

Artichoke Queen said...

Argh it posted twice! Would you mind deleting the superfluous comments? Merci!

M. said...

Dude, just because I spend my time messing about with overgrown reptiles, doesn't mean I'm your go-to girl for animal motion nerdiness.

Oh wait.

Stop motion vegetable animal wacky races. I'm on it.

Juci said...

I'm a girl.
I came here via Zoe's blog around the time of the Village Fête last year.
I love all of your blog, don't have particular favourites. As far as I'm concerned, whatever you post is the most entertaining, thought-provoking and essential piece of writing that I will read that day. I have a sad, sorry life, don't I? (Actually, no.)
I don't give a fig about the design, but it would be nice to be able to view the Belgian Pic of the Week in a larger size.
WV is troll. I kid you not.

GingerB said...

I'm way late with this but I'd read you describing your navel lint and I don't give a shit about how your blog looks, I just want the words. I love the confessional but I got here, somehow, when you described Belgian history with Playmobil people and food, and then I never left, and your commenters are indeed very fun. I love you. Stay.

Marinka said...

I love this blog and all its features, but if I could change anything about it, I'd have it renamed Marinka's Belgian Waffle. It has a certain dge ne say quay about it, don't you think?

Nimble said...

1. yes
2. c (Fussy)
3. c or e, but suit yourself
4. certainly. Let's have more vegetable carving and maybe some crochet.
5. I prefer text because I read you at work. slackslackslack
6. It's not bad, I've seen much more visually appalling blog sites. I like the soothing pale blue bkgrd.
7. I would send you on more Belgian cultural scouting expeditions to report back.

J. said...

I have a suggestion for the village fete. Can we have an offensive desserts category?

Also, I sometimes think it would be funny if you and Chez Larsson switched places for a week, like wifeswap, and photodocumented the process on your respective blogs. You would return to a beautifully organized house out of an Ikea advertisement, and she would return to... I'm not sure what, but I'm sure it would be hilarious.

gwen1234 said...

I never read the comments (now is my first time!), but it's hard to imagine people being more hilarious than you. I love the Belgium-specific tales, since I've never been there, and I love the Weepette, and I have no idea how I found you, but I'm happy I did. You are the perfect lunch-break reading at work and I salute you!

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