Friday, 15 May 2009

A post as interesting as the test card

Where is Jaywalker? Where is she, that all her commenters anxiously message her?

I am here. I am in exactly the same spot at the desk of squalor that I have been for the past two days but something appears to have transformed the contents of my head into a swirling mush of credit crunch soup. I am:

1. Putting some writing together for meetings next week. It must be good, or I will have fucked up my doubtless only chance to escape a life of directives. It is not good. It is decidedly average. It is B minus writing at best. I concluded in the bath last night that whilst I might read it myself, I would do so with a superior sneer, whincing at all the clunky phrases in it. It is hard to write when you are disgustingly critical. I am not big on self-acceptance, you may have noticed, and prefer self-flagellation. I am doing lots of self-flagellation because I can't allow myself to do lots of deleting, which I would like even better.

2. Fretting, wondering, clicking between fifteen open windows, starting posts and giving up on them. Grinding my teeth a lot, apparently. All night. Waking at five, when it's already light and not being able to get back to sleep. It reminds me of when Lashes was born, and would wake me at four and then I would not being able to get back to sleep because I had had a baby, Christ, what was I thinking, and it was mine forever now AND it was light and would I ever sleep again etc etc. Of course, waking at 5 is more fun in Central London because you can sit on your windowsill and watch drunks trying to go home. In Uccle all you can do is wake the dog up and poke it.

3. Trying to sort out next week because I want to see everyone but it's all predicated on a couple of great imponderables which are leaving me paralysed for decision making purposes. One of them involves a hole being drilled in my brother's head again, and that is decidedly crap. There are lots of other wonderful things also happening and it is all leaving me a little confused. Remember that in a normal week I totter from the desk of doom to the corridor of ennui and back and very little else. It is quite overwhelming.

3. Getting nothing, but nothing done of a practical sort. I forgot to take Lashes to the whiskery woman on Wednesday. I had one - one! - thing to do today - buy hair gel (for the goddam ridiculous school fête, no don't ask, so far I have had to provide a pair of blue Crocs, a mask and snorkel and €4, 20). It's nearly two. I have to pick the children up in an hour. I have not been. I only took the dog out because it was pissing me off so much, finding endless things to gnaw and be painful about. It is distracting me from my one woman tooth grinding circus.

4. Not reading blogs, which is a bit like not breathing. I started again this morning and I already feel much better. I think I was in withdrawal. The balm of reading other people's words is already starting to take the edge of the crazy.

In summary I am ok, if a little deranged and normal service will resume, at the latest, after next week. In the meantime I do have something very important to tell you about Belgian elephant husbandry and will be trying to do so later today between tooth grinding bouts.


Helen Brocklebank said...

You may think it's as interesting as the test card, but it's a testament to your great talent and skill that you are able to spin gold out of straw, and write beautifully about nothing at all.
Courage, ma brave: if your Great Belgian Novel is as good as what you consider to be your very worst postings, then it will be very readable indeed, and far from clunky.

Bath bun said...

Ah you're back - you really had me worried. Not sure if you got my e-mail - my work system seems to be blocking messages to Uccle. I will be around next week from Tuesday for weepette walking etc. I'll try and pass by on my way home if its not too wet. Alternatively, if your phone phobia permits, you can call the operator here 02 299 1111 and ask them to put you through.

Chantal said...

I second the Courage!

The thing is, everyone will be mad keen to meet with you (duh) but they'll all completely understand it might hang on unpredictables. That sounds a bit rude. you know what I mean.

And I bet your writing doesn't need to go anywhere near the delete button.

Everything will all be surasala (WV).


Nimble said...

If he's distracting you from tooth grinding then Oscar is earning his keep. Good weepette! Kisses for both of you.

redfox said...

My sympathies. There is something about waking up too early and not being able to get back to sleep that always makes me feel that my life is at lowest ebb. Those are also the times when I am most prone to horrible hamster-wheel anxious thoughts about all of my inadequacies--it sounds as if you are perhaps the same way.

I have a premonition that the trip to London will be restorative in its way, even though much of it will of course be difficult and draining and sad and inadequate. You will be there, which makes a change. It will be something other than more of the same, and being directly engaged in huddling has a certain immediacy that is absorbing. And then there will also be the unmitigatedly good bits, like your date with the Internet Glamorous, which will be very good indeed.

screamish said...

ah yes, the old waking up at 5am dilemma. too late for a glass of red wine but too early for a real coffee coz then you have to admit you're UP and the day has begun. next week's meetings sound promising. hope things go OK with your brother. you've got lots on at the moment.

Elsie said...

Dear jw,
You should only post when you want to, and should feel free to take long breaks –for my part, I hope that this blog can give you relief and release and at least a little of the immense delight you give to us.

Mrs Jones said...

I'm more concerned about the whereabouts of Antonia over at Whoopee - she's not posted since 1 May. Has she taken her mustachioed lover and shoulder-shrugging child and run away from us all? - I MUST NOE!!

You shouldn't feel obliged to post just to keep us webmongs happy, if you don't feel like it, don't do it. But we will hunt you down if you don't. Just saying. Enjoy London & I hope your brother is okay.

justme said...

Hoping things go well for your brother and that you manage to have some fun in London.
Also, it's good to know that the weepette is earning his keep by being a comfort to you.

The Spicers said...

I agree with Mrs Trefusis: you seriously underestimate your writing ability; or you are just being modest. Either way, I'd buy your novel full price in hardback with no knowledge of its subject, that's how good you are.

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