Saturday, 9 May 2009

Dads in spandex pants

Yet another change of tone on the schizoid rollercoaster that is Belgian Waffle.

You might recall that at the hospital this week, Lashes and I amused ourselves with a packet of wrestling cards. They are sitting on the table with me now and causing me all sorts of amusement.

For some reason, I am getting the most fun from imagining them as a group of fathers of teenage children. Which has led me to ponder which of them the fourteen year old me would have been most mortified to be picked up from school by. My own father almost never picked me up from school, since he was usually in another country, and didn't live with us anyway. Thank god. I can barely imagine the amount of horror struck eye rolling I would have had to put on, what with him having a BEARD. And a beer belly. And .. uuugh ... oh, just EVERYTHING. Sigh. Eyeroll. I don't know why this is tickling me so much. I think I'm having a slightly teenage phase at the moment. Lashes certainly is. Everything I say is greeted with the eyeroll and "c'est pas drĂ´leeeeuh"


So. Question: which would be the worst school run dad?

Is it:

1. Super Crazy

I imagine he would be full of 'hilarious' pranks to play on all your mates. OH THE HORROR. Let the jaws of the earth swallow you up rather than watch him.

2. Triple H

He looks kind of stern. I think he would want to see your homework diary the minute you stepped into the car. And I hope you haven't sneaked any make up in your school bag and put it on in the loos, or rolled your waistband round five times to make your school skirt shorter, because he would freak. "GOD. This is SO UNFAIR. I HATE YOU".



3. The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart

Can you just hear him singing along to Country & Western standards with the window rolled down? Can you imagine stalking over to him with a million yard death stare, dying inside a little bit more every second? Because I can.




4. John Morrison

The dad your mates fancy. OH MY GOD YOU DON'T I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT I'M GOING TO BE SICK UUUUUURGH I HATE YOU.




5. Hornswoggle


"DAD why can't you just wear normal clothes? You look like a DICK. Uuuuurgh".


Your views in the comments please. Worst dad, and why.

14 comments:

Titian red said...

Suspect Super Crazy would play a lot of exuberant air guitar ?

Mrs Trefusis... said...

The mouth of the south would definitely try extremely hard to convince your friends of how 'young' & 'happening' he was. You'd desperately try to persuade him to park round the corner but he'd always drive his renovated chevvy to the gate and invite your friends to have a lift home. They'd quite like him, thinking he was comedy value and repeat his habit of calling you "little lady". Worse, he'd be very cringy with your boyfriends, in a nightmareish 'we're all guys together, so I remember when I was your age and I'll thank you to go easy on the heavy petting with my little lady' kind of way. The Mouth of the South as a dad means spending at least 6 years scarlet with embarrassment, shame and humiliation. He also insists on going round the house naked because 'nudity is natural', snogs your mum with tongues, and goes in for line dancing championships

Kate said...

Super Crazy. He's kind of greasy and that hair is embarrassing. A dad that has a perm? ew. He'd be just really out of it. Always 3 steps behind despite his high energy. He'd look like he was paying perfect attention then not be able to understand what you said.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Hornswoggle - No dad should wear more make-up than his dear daughter!

Lucy Fishwife said...

What can I add to that? Spot on Mrs T. Although Super Crazy probably does a fantastic range of Goons voices, and is incapable of referring to anyone foreign without calling them "our little (insert iffy adjective here) friends".

tragicanon said...

oh! much more fun than management reports!!
umm.. im gonna have to go with john morrison because sickening though he is, i think i might have ended up fancying him myself, purely due to the complete lack or ANY suitable male specimens around when i was a kid (convent school is never fun)...
triple h is the best of the bunch... he screams 'dad' to me..

The Wrath of Dawn said...

I just don't know. I think they are all equally mortifying, just in slightly different ways.

I am traumatizing just thinking about it. I think I have to go lie down.

vw - minesses - Where Gollum worked.

BITTER OLD BITCH said...

Trip H, fur shure.

i don't know why, but I can just imagine him coming into the living room when I have a slumber party and then trying to "amuse" my friends by farting on their heads.

Thanks Dad, now I can't go to school again....evah! ._.

GingerB said...

Hornswoggle - he looks like a demonic leprechaun. And being pasty (like us) you know he sunburns terribly and won't wear sunscreen so you know he is always really red, and kinda mad looking.

livesbythewoods said...

Hornswoggle, without a doubt. Angry, overdressed and dirty. So many reasons never to invite your friends home for tea.



Ha, RENPROLA. A diet pill, detox aid and roller skate lube all in one.

BITTER OLD BITCH said...

Macho Man shoulda been an option too, the more I think of it the more I giggle. I can see him showing up to my high school basketball games shouting "OH YEAAAH!" every time I take the court, and then showing up at the PTA meetings handing out Slim Jim meat snacks telling people they need to snap into them.

What an awesome wresslin' dad he would be! :D

mysterycreature said...

I think it would be hornswoggle for me - he is oddly leprechaun (sp?) like for starters, and you know he's be starting scuffles with your mates!

(Very) Lost in France said...

John Morrison.. OMG, that IS my friend's dad! Seriously though, my mate's dad was a male model. Made my dad - the engineer - seem very boring! VLiF

Vanessa said...

Slightly Off-Topic Fact: The Hornswoggle lives under the wrestling ring and jumps out intermittently during the match to run around and wreak havoc on tiny legs. I HAVE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES. And will probably see it again soon, as my nephew has given me the summer wrestling schedule of events to which I must chaperone him, complexly coded in terms of cruciality of attendance.