It has been FIVE weeks since our last confession, people. Five. Imagine the petty badnesses we have all been up to! Maybe even big badnesses. I can barely wait to hear.
Of course before I can start revelling in yours, I have to show you mine. Urgh. It's not going to be pretty I'm afraid. I have had serious doubts about confessing at least one of these, but I don't feel that anonymous confession is the way forward for this particular one, particularly since I have admitted on Twitter that it relates to fish. Oh, christ, it is really bad. There will be hate mail. Shit. God. Ok, deep breath. Here goes.
Bless me internet for I have sinned. It has been five weeks since my last confession.
1. The really awful one
This weekend I stood by and DID NOTHING as the CFO flushed the 4 remaining live pontypines down the toilet. The pontypines are fish. Were fish. Um. Tropical fish. We have been waiting for them to die for months because a dog and six tortoises is stretching our nurturing skills way beyond their natural breaking point. Their tank has become fetid and green. We were just, sort of ignoring them and waiting for nature to take its course. BUT THEY WOULD NOT DIE. They are like the Glenn Close of tropical fish.
We had discussed what to do with them previously, and I had expressed horror and tried to fight the pontypines corner. But when the CFO had said to me, darkly, before I left for London "When you get back, the fish might have gone", I said nothing. Then I got back, but they were still there. Then last weekend, the CFO took a large salad bowl and disappeared upstairs. I said nothing. There was a flushing noise. I said nothing. And another flushing noise. Still nothing.
He came back downstairs. "The last one took ages to flush"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I am really struggling with admitting this, but that is what confession is for. For the ugly stuff. I can't bend the rules for myself even if this is my blog.
2. The parental fail one
I have been quite a shit parent recently. Actually, "in 2009" might be more accurate. Let us talk birthdays. Neither of my children has had a birthday party this year - Fingers birthday is 1 March, Lashes 3 May (you want to steal their identities? good luck). I used to be good to the point of demented hausfrauitude about birthday parties, researching fun activities and preparing party bags of stupid lavishness. This year? Well. I finally got round to desultorily calling the soft play place (ORIGINALITY FAIL) to book some kind of joint thing a couple of weeks ago. Then, this week, I realised that the date I had booked was actually this coming Sunday but we hadn't invited anyone, so I had to ring them up and pretend all the children had chickenpox. Hmm. It's decidedly not good. I can't quite bring myself to care this year. Poor children. I have already tired of their birthday festivities. Time to up my contributions to the therapy fund.
Oh, and I have unilaterally decided not to bother checking if Lashes has homework. I just ask him, and if he says no, I take his word for it. Ha! The child barely remembers his own name. But oh, god, homework for 7 year olds is a dismal business and hell, it's nearly the end of the school year and frankly I JUST CAN'T BEAR IT ANYMORE. OK???
Presumably I do not need to tell you about the swearing. Or the shit meals. Or the lax approach to toothbrushing. Yeah, thought not.
3. The elephant update one
Stupid elephant. I keep trying to bait it out of its corner with acts of selfish, lazy, thoughtlessness and abusive internet use. It will not come out. It's like I want it to come out, but I can't actually look it in the trunk and offer it a damn carrot. Take a hint, elephant. Do I really have to come over and poke you with a shiny baton?
Prize for the metaphor stretched so far beyond the bounds of good sense as to become TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE is awarded to me. Thank you.
Right, you know the drill. Penance for me, if you are so inclined, and confess your sins in the comments and I will give you some well thought out and not at all totally arbitrary penance. Look out for a possible anonymous confession from me in the comments too. Maybe. Maybe not.