Friday, 29 May 2009

The Belgian Waffle Secular Confession May Edition

It has been FIVE weeks since our last confession, people. Five. Imagine the petty badnesses we have all been up to! Maybe even big badnesses. I can barely wait to hear.

Of course before I can start revelling in yours, I have to show you mine. Urgh. It's not going to be pretty I'm afraid. I have had serious doubts about confessing at least one of these, but I don't feel that anonymous confession is the way forward for this particular one, particularly since I have admitted on Twitter that it relates to fish. Oh, christ, it is really bad. There will be hate mail. Shit. God. Ok, deep breath. Here goes.

Bless me internet for I have sinned. It has been five weeks since my last confession.

1. The really awful one

This weekend I stood by and DID NOTHING as the CFO flushed the 4 remaining live pontypines down the toilet. The pontypines are fish. Were fish. Um. Tropical fish. We have been waiting for them to die for months because a dog and six tortoises is stretching our nurturing skills way beyond their natural breaking point. Their tank has become fetid and green. We were just, sort of ignoring them and waiting for nature to take its course. BUT THEY WOULD NOT DIE. They are like the Glenn Close of tropical fish.

We had discussed what to do with them previously, and I had expressed horror and tried to fight the pontypines corner. But when the CFO had said to me, darkly, before I left for London "When you get back, the fish might have gone", I said nothing. Then I got back, but they were still there. Then last weekend, the CFO took a large salad bowl and disappeared upstairs. I said nothing. There was a flushing noise. I said nothing. And another flushing noise. Still nothing.

He came back downstairs. "The last one took ages to flush"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I am really struggling with admitting this, but that is what confession is for. For the ugly stuff. I can't bend the rules for myself even if this is my blog.

2. The parental fail one

I have been quite a shit parent recently. Actually, "in 2009" might be more accurate. Let us talk birthdays. Neither of my children has had a birthday party this year - Fingers birthday is 1 March, Lashes 3 May (you want to steal their identities? good luck). I used to be good to the point of demented hausfrauitude about birthday parties, researching fun activities and preparing party bags of stupid lavishness. This year? Well. I finally got round to desultorily calling the soft play place (ORIGINALITY FAIL) to book some kind of joint thing a couple of weeks ago. Then, this week, I realised that the date I had booked was actually this coming Sunday but we hadn't invited anyone, so I had to ring them up and pretend all the children had chickenpox. Hmm. It's decidedly not good. I can't quite bring myself to care this year. Poor children. I have already tired of their birthday festivities. Time to up my contributions to the therapy fund.

Oh, and I have unilaterally decided not to bother checking if Lashes has homework. I just ask him, and if he says no, I take his word for it. Ha! The child barely remembers his own name. But oh, god, homework for 7 year olds is a dismal business and hell, it's nearly the end of the school year and frankly I JUST CAN'T BEAR IT ANYMORE. OK???

Presumably I do not need to tell you about the swearing. Or the shit meals. Or the lax approach to toothbrushing. Yeah, thought not.

3. The elephant update one

Stupid elephant. I keep trying to bait it out of its corner with acts of selfish, lazy, thoughtlessness and abusive internet use. It will not come out. It's like I want it to come out, but I can't actually look it in the trunk and offer it a damn carrot. Take a hint, elephant. Do I really have to come over and poke you with a shiny baton?

Prize for the metaphor stretched so far beyond the bounds of good sense as to become TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE is awarded to me. Thank you.

Right, you know the drill. Penance for me, if you are so inclined, and confess your sins in the comments and I will give you some well thought out and not at all totally arbitrary penance. Look out for a possible anonymous confession from me in the comments too. Maybe. Maybe not.


Helen Brocklebank said...

I confess, Oh Empress, that I am accumulating yet more devices with which to feed my twitter and internet addiction. At the last count I had a laptop, a blackberry, an iphone and a secret and rather decrepit yet wifi enabled phone that I keep hidden specially for when Mr Trefusis has confiscated all my other ways of accessing the internet. I know he just wants to talk to me, but I want to talk to the internet. And, even better, I am getting another, cuter, smaller laptop, which I can conceal in my handbag. tee hee. I will probably take to hiding it behind the lavatory cistern like an alcoholic hides their voddie

Razorkitty said...

When my son was 4, some fool friend bought him two goldfish for his birthday (plus small plastic tank, gravel, etc etc). I was furious because I didn't want to have to care for the bloody things but naturally I composed my face into some semblance of gratitude and dutifully took the goldfish home and half-heartedly looked after them.

Fast forward six weeks. We are going on holiday for a fortnight. I am unsure what to do with the fish, who are still, I believe anyway, somewhere in the fetid green soup that resides within said plastic tank. Who would look after them?

The solution was simple. "Look, children!" I said gaily to the sprogs. "Mummy is going to clean out the fish tank!"

And I did. With Milton Sterilising Fluid.

The fish were dead within an hour. The tank, however, was sparkling.

Forgive me.

Helen Brocklebank said...

PS: I absolve you for the fish. They have gone to the ocean to be with their friends. And the chickenpox thing is too funny, so I think you should definitely let yourself off that too. The rest are merely venial sins: say a couple of Holy Tortoises and have a martini.

Alexa said...

Not a funny one, alas. Last night, my sister-in-law told me she is pregnant, naturally, second month of trying. Felt a twinge, but was happy for her. Then she continued to tell me that it is twins. Fraternal twins, just like mine were. Have been hyperventilating ever since, and seriously contemplating move to Switzerland to avoid seeing her/the blessed event(s). Do not feel happy for her, like a normal person. Certain her parents are thinking that this time the twin grandchildren thing will be done properly, without my death trap uterus to kill one and eject the other early and ill. Have managed to make what should be joyous occasion for SIL all about me. Cannot write about it, because they all read my stupid blog. Am uncharitable, and considering glass of wine for breakfast. Also, realizing sadly that I have no friends with whom to discuss situation, thus am vomiting it all over Waffle's confessional--compounding the sin.

Anonymous said...

Next time if you must flush them pour some cheap whisky in the tank. They go drunk and very happy.

Oh Empress hear my confession. We have so much crap dumped in the living room, spare furniture, enough Avon makeup to sculpt 2 Reese Witherspoons from lipstick, stools,occasional tables, tv's, strange boxes of things I am not brave enough to look in, that you can't actually get across the room unless you climb.

And I don't care.

Maw comes home with yet more bags of things and I am done. I would rather lie down in a hamster nest of catalogues than try and move any of it even though there are screaming arguments about it nightly. I have gone on strike and the clutter is threatening to rise up and smother me for my own good. Blargh.

Absolve me so I may return to my nest of stuff that should have gone in the recycle bin last week and sleep happy.

Wolfgang von Schnitzel said...

My wife just emailed me a work document to proof-read. Without reading it, I replied that it was fine.

Wayne Medvedev said...

I accidentally switched off the power in the office last week. 10 people lost all their work. I flicked it straight back on again, pretended I'd been taking a comfort break and encouraged one of my colleagues to complain to the building manager.

The City Road said...

This month, I confess -

I met someone, a date, for a drink and sat there while her shoulders turned pink in the blazing lunchtime sun without offering to change positions or even pointing out to her that her poor pale skin was starting to fry. Thoughtless beast. Am saving up for inevitable skin graft.

I read all the confessions here unflinchingly, tales of petty theft, fishicide, revenge boyfriend-killing and husband-stabbing with kitchen utensil fantasies ** that don't even touch my stony heart; yet the thought of those poor un-walked dogs, their mournful brown eyes fixed pitifully on owners that once loved them with an almost unhealthy passion... sobI avoided going to a friend's wedding party because I was sick. Not even sick really, just not feeling good; not man-flu, just a bit of a cold. Christ. I mean, how often do you you get married! Well, actually it was her second marriage, but even so...

Running a 5K race last weekend I was distracted by two cute girls. Looking at the results later I noticed them listed in the under-15 category.

Blah blah not enough work due to bloody internets blah blah sloth and indolence blah blah bloody blah. See, too lazy to even confess properly. # Confession Fail

Wasn't it Curtis Mayfield who sang 'Don't worry, If there's a Hell below, we're all gonna go!'.

** To continue a theme, some contributor's comments in this highly anticipated monthly guilt-fest make Jacobean drama look like 'Watch with Mother'. Webster would be proud. And full of envy. So that's two of the seven deadly ones right there.

Anonymous said...

Oh waffle, I have to confess that instead of working I have made ANOTHER photomontage for you


- I have been acquiring mothers whilst my original one is away on a river cruise with 80 german pensioners, I think I have an problem/addiction and some serious freudian issues to deal with.

- I keep having staring matches with the barristers in court when I should be concentrating on doling out cold hard justice. I think I am making the poor learned gentlemen uneasy with my haughty demeanor.

loops said...

I'm with you on parental fail. I detest children's birthday parties. I take my son's word that he has no homework - you think it's dismal for 7 year olds? Try it at 12 years old when they are supposed to do TWO HOURS EVERY NIGHT. No thanks, I'll live in ignorance - after all it's him that gets detention not me.

Mutter said...

I confess, oh Empress, I have been horrible to my long-suffering husband for his inability to furnish me with a fairy-tale castle with all mod cons in just the part of London I want to live in and have insisted that he go back to the firm, when jobs are being cut left right and centre and say, you got us into this mess you can jolly well up our rental allowance to get us out of it. And while he ponders whether it's worse to lose his job or make his wife even angrier all I do is spend more money in some obscene shopaholic-my-days-in-this-shoppers-paradise-are-numbered way and daily smuggle bags of shameful new purchases past our helper (who anyway thinks I'm mad as I shout at everything that moves) and into my wardrobe in the hope no-one but the bankstatement will realise my crimes.

Les petits poissons said...

We know what you did to us. CFO may have physically flushed the loo, but we know that you were standing behind him, whispering in his ear, egging him on.
When we get out of this sewer system (which is much cleaner than the putrid tank you kept us in) we are totally dobbing you in to the Belgian RSPCA. Yeah. So just watch it.

Mrs Jones said...

Alexa's comment reminds me of a confession that I should have made sometime in April. Background - after a lifetime of not wanting kids, finally met The Husband, changed mind. Insides too decrepit to work properly, 3 IVFs resulting in 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. Gave it all up in 2000 & remain childless/free/whatever. Brother's second wife announced by email on Mother's Day that she was pregnant with their 2nd. I spent entire day sobbing in huge devastating slough of despond and being kept away from knife drawer. Hadn't expected to feel like that so was very surprised but just went with it (obviously some deeply suppressed issues which are going to remain that way). Cut to two weeks later in early April, my mother tells me that SIL has lost baby. I feel absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Not happy, not sad. It's very weird and I don't understand it, but I know it's not right. Like Alexa I have family who read my blog so I couldn't write about it even though it was 'interesting', shall we say. Forgive me, Empress, for I think I have probably sinned.

Anonymous said...

Forgive me Empress, it has been 22 years since my only other confession. I will not burden you with all my badness, but recent sins include:

1. My husband is going home to see his family this weekend and while I will miss him I am experiencing immense joy at being able to eat only steamed broccoli and boiled eggs all weekend without being told off. At the grand old age of 31 I waste far more time thinking about being thinner than anything else really. And I DO realise I probably would have achieved far more in my life were it not for this. But I have 3 degrees and a professional qualification, and it's a bit late now, to be honest.

2. I live the other side of the world from my parents and 3 siblings, and while I do honestly miss them (well my parents at least), I am very grateful for distance and time differences because it means I don't have to deal with all their dramas and crises so frequently. I am a selfish cow.

3. Finally (and a lot worse than the pontypines), my mother recently confessed to me that the 2 guinea pigs that died when I was 10 did not go naturally... She had to drown them in a bucket because they were being eaten alive my maggots because noone had cleaned out their hutch for a month.

peevish said...

Oh, Mrs. Jones. You are breaking my heart. I absolve you completely, even before Emma can.

My confession was going to involve massive quantities of M&M's and guacamole but now it all seems so meaningless.

Anonymous said...

Bless me Holy Tortoise for I have been lazy and intolerant.

My daughter had an accident at the library, ahem, a pee accident. I rushed her to the facilities but not before the carpet was compromised. I didn't mention it to any of the staff. Come the heat of the summer the children's area may become fragrant.

I do not have a single in-law that I can stand. A recent visit drove that point home. I lose all charity and compassion from my soul as I try to just not say or do anything cruel while I am thinking murderous thoughts. And I expect to be allowed to let my family visit as often and as long as I want.

I am beginning to revise my memories of a fish (of course won at some ridiculous low budget fair of some sort) that committed suicide. Must ask my mother about that one...

Photo of the Holy Tortoise tm in regalia, I intuit, would help the absolution.

lucia martinez said...

o waffle--

like some of the above, I too, have cursed friends and family reading my patter and have saved things inside that are better put out.

I confess that after eighteen months (the latter part of which had little or no sex) I told my live-in boyfriend that, though he is dearly beloved, am in fact irrevocably lesbian and please could we end our little experiment. this is because I had my eye on one who became not so much a rebound as she was an exit strategy. (though I did not cheat. per se.) after a week of cordiality and warmth, ex found out, became enraged, and I decided that really the sex had been great and I desperately loved him. also how could I bear spending the next four years in the same department as him once he moved on to a new girl. (o, graduate school! o, overpowering and unhealthy and unproductive jealousy! o, immaturity so great that I cringe at the thought of even trying to explain to my therapist!) after three successful years of therapy, the attachment disorder seems cured and now, alas, am attached. badly, unrealistically, superficially, and for all the wrong reasons attached. am so childish that the knowledge that he still wants and loves (and hates) me is the only thing that gets rid of the anxiety attacks.

please someone make him move away. or get me absolution. or some more ativan.

Anonymous said...

My partner of almost 5 years (we are both 28); in the last 2 years he has had to spend more and more time overseas trying to prop up his ailing business (lack of experience, language barrier causing problems for his young company)...up to 6 months of last year and this year so far...3.5 months, and its only May.
A couple of months ago I cracked up and told him no more...then I proceeded to quietly have online and text sex with a stranger (which was a phone call away from being real sex with a stranger). Then 2 weeks later I went to visit the boyf overseas (as previously planned) and told him I was thinking about breaking up with him because of our circumstances re work (no mention of any dalliance, we are 'strictly monogamous). We decided to keep things on track and hope that he would not spend too much time away in the future. He is coming home in 2 weeks. I still think about breaking up with him. I don't know if we have much in common anymore. I think that he is boring. I hate myself for thinking this.

exromana said...

i confess to thee, oh Maharani of Wafli, many times i put on a long face when my husband comes home, just so we can dine out. he thinks i am lying on the sofa, because i have the blues due to my move from Rome to a new place. sometimes this is the real reason, but admittedly so, most of the time, i just want to go out for dinner.been doing this for 5 months now.
dont worry about your fish, unfortunately, one cant be fair to everyone in the food chain, esp when there are Holy Tortoises in the equation. xoxo

Waffle said...

With a heavy heart I must address your DISGUSTING CRIMES, internet. I have decided to dole out cultural punishments tonight.

Mrs Trefusis I sentence you to this Perhaps it will teach the francophiliac in your life that not everything hexagonal is good.

Razorkitty you, I think, being much in the same boat as me, fish crime wise, must suffer Goldfish funeral

Waffle said...

Alexa, you do not need punishment. You need GOATS .

Waffle said...

Deililly what are we confessing here exactly? Mess? Pah. Have you been on this blog before? Mess is virtually a requirement. Have a baby pig .

Wolfgang - I feel your crime deserves Florent Pagny .

As for you, Wayne. Well. Johnny .

carolinefo said...

how do you have text sex? don't all the little dinging noises put you off?

too perplexed by trying to work this out - and realising how out of tune with the Zeitgist I am in not knowing already how to have txtsx - to confess my own egregious sins just now.

Perhaps a little later.

Waffle said...

City Road, oh City Road. Poor burning shoulders girl. You really have been quite bad. I tried to make you watch a video of a sad dog, but only succeeded in making myself cry. This one is not so awful.

Wafflebébé - your fan art is extraordinary, and by extraordinary I mean really becoming slightly disturbing. Good pontypines though. I suppose I ought to set you some kind of montage penance. How about: a montage including a brussel sprout, Sinclair, and a capybara.

Loops - exactly. Who's checking? We can always pretend they lied to us. Let's both watch . Sinclair when he was young and peculiar

Artichoke Queen said...

Layla, oh Layla. Really? I went through some years in my previously confessed extra-marital affair (he, not me) where the txtsx was so good (and rampant) that the mere 'beep beep, beep beep' of my phone could practically, well, you know...

Waffle said...

Wife - Alvin Hall . It has to be.He's the voice in my head when I'm overspending.

Petits poissons - je vous emmerde. There IS no Belgian RSPCA. Nah!

Mrs Jones oh, that's just awful and sad, not sinful. I sentence you to a large cocktail. Hell, have two. I have been giving Alexa virtual martinis all night, you can join in too.

Anon - OH JESUS YOUR POOR MOTHER. Thinking about being thin all the time is soul destroying and exhausting, I should know, I spent long enough doing it. You are punishing yourself quite sufficiently. No penance.

Peeing in library anon - urgh, the HTTM is incapable of staying in his regalia for long enough for me to photograph him. I must construct him new robes. You on the other hand might feel better once exposed to the unending horror of Lara Fabian

The rest of you - reflect on your sins. I will be back when the CFO goes to bed.

Anonymous said...

I confess that I secretly found out our unborn baby's sex and kept it from my husband (he still doesn't know).

I had a scary bleed at 16 weeks so had an emergency scan- my husband was away and couldn't attend. At the scan, the doctor offered to tell me the sex and I accepted, thinking we'd find out anyway at 20 weeks, and kept it a secret from my husband as I knew he'd want to have found out together. However at our 20 week scan my previously keen-to-know husband changed his mind and said he wanted a surprise and, stupidly, I agreed.

This lead to a further 22 weeks' biting my tongue, trying to steer him away from pink babygros and feigning interest in girls' names. I even managed to pretend surprise in the seconds after giving birth when he told me "it's a boy!"

I live in fear that one day I will tell him all this- when I'm drunk or we're rowing or I talk in my sleep. It is The Thing That Must Not Be Said.

M. said...

Bless me Belgium, for I have sinned.
1. I have started to believe that putting business expenses on my personal credit card is financial alchemy, like turning credit into real cash. This falls under worshipping false idols, non?
2. I have worn peep toes and bright red nails ALL WEEK in spite of the changeable weather and resolution to be good.
3. I have been eating healthily (ish) and doing (some) exercise. I believe this counts for mortal sin round these parts.
4. I have bought more drinks than I care to remember, which brings us back to sin number 1. Yes, drinks are business expenses.
5. I have let a widower walk around unknowingly with baby spew on his jumper.

and finally

6. I have been rubbish at sinning this month.

I seek absolution.

Anonymous said...

Oh thank you Jaywalker. I confess I sat through Goats.

Z said...

I'm so, so sorry. I have nothing to confess. My main extravagance has been an electric lawnmower so that I can spare my husband the labour of hauling out the petrol one I can't work and I have been nice to him all month, even when I was really quite annoyed. I have cuddled the dog, and even when I found a flea on her I turned the search for more into a session of fun and lurve. I distracted her when a mouse was within her reach in the greenhouse, so that it got away.

I can't think of anything I've done wrong. I am guilty of the sin of complacency. I've even had fun, learning bricklaying. Oh, Nathan H Christ, I must be a very bad person. I'm probably too old to read this blog, but please don't ban me. Anything but that.

Potty Mummy said...

If you've done nothing else JW you have rid me of the apparantly incorrect belief that no other European country is foolish enough to give such youngsters homework. Hurrah! I can throw this in Husband's face when he next turns his nose up at helping Boy #1 with his spellings over the weekend citing the fact that - guess what - 'no other European country blah blah blah...'


Persephone said...

Hmmn. How am I doing on the Seven Deadlies?

1. Greed. Bought three tops today that I don't need. (It was a "third one is thirty percent off" and they had it in black...)

2. Lust. See #3.

3. Gluttony. Trying to get this under control as I stepped on to the scales this weeks for the first time since before winter. Yikes! For some reason, I don't feel remotely sexy, despite my three new tops.

4. Sloth. Physical sloth, well, aside from not getting things done, I've kept reasonably active, but spiritual sloth, you got me there. I'm the ace of acedia. Trying to knock myself out of it with plenty of Shakespeare.

5. Envy. Older daughter gets to go to Scotland, Boston, New York and Prague in the next nine months. (I'm begging for some dispensation on this one, o Empress of Uccle...)

6. Pride. Not really a problem. See Lust.

7. Wrath. This is the biggie, E. of U. I'm basically walking around in a miasma of rage, mainly directed at younger daughter's school, which seems up to its keister in Sin #6, whereas I think they've really sold her short. I keep finding myself yelling at them in furious fantasies, imagining all the things I'm dying to say to them. Of course, I can't.

Go on, Empress. Save me from the jaws of hell.

bevchen said...

Fish are freaky. You can totally be forgiven for that one.

Here's my confession:
Every time someone else I know announces that they have got married/engaged/moved in with their other half/had a baby my congratulations are a tiny bit less sincere. This is mostly because of the little voice inside my head that likes to tell me "Look, look at them. That'll never be you you know. You've been with your boyfriend FIVE years and he still doesn't even want to think about moving in with you. You'd better start liking cats cos you know you're destined to be one of those crazy cat ladies..."
I'm soo glad no one I know read this!

Other than that nothing much to report. Just the usual... failing to wash dishes until they start to smell and the food is welded on. Eating way too much chocolate... and still not going near a dentist. Also I think I may be addicted to crisps, but suspect you may have gathered that from previous confessions.

Anonymous said...

I pretend I am having my period so I don't have to have sex with my husband and I went through menopause two years ago

sue said...

Bless me Empress etc and these are my sins:

1. I/we argued in front of the child and used many swear words. This is unforgivable.

2. The child and I did an 18 mile cycle on bank holiday monday and he got a huge blister on his bum which bled loads. I remembered to check it on Tuesday and Wednesday but totally forgot for the rest of the week and now I am afraid to look in case it is infected and his bottom falls off. I am such a lousy mother.

3. Relations still remain strained in Fountain Pen Towers and I couldn't care less.

4. Today at work I booked a four day mental health break for ME to go and see parents and BF next week. I haven't told him even though he did child care this week and the agreement was that I would do next week what with it being stupid bastard half term. I would take the child with me but his passport expired and it is to late to get a new one.

Please don't worry about the fishies, at least you didn't boil them and feed them to the Weepette.

kathycastro said...

Empress of the Holy Tort, I am terribly sorry but I am afraid I have absolutely nothing to confess this month, having somehow fallen into a a period of relatively good behaviour. I am hoping this does not last all the way until the June confessional, believe you me.

So, instead, I just wish to say that I am enjoying everyone else's confessions, and that City Road and his Under-15s and Ms Menopausal Anonymous both had me impressed with the quality of their sins. Well done, both of you!

As for your own sins, dear Waffle, the fish one is hardly a sin -- as previously mentioned, they are simply reunited with their friends in the sea (think Finding Nemo), what could be more noble than that?

As for the Elephant, you have clearly made some Decisions by not making Decisions. Good for you. The rest will sort itself out in time. Elephants sleep a lot, but not forever, and they do eventually wake up without an alarm clock! Maybe what you need is a mouse? A lovely, young, Mexican mouse from the parc du caca?? That can be your penance. :-)

Anonymous said...

I neglected a betta to death once; before he died of infection, I asked the internet and discovered you can painlessly euthanize fish by putting them in a glass of water in the refrigerator. Probably more humane than flushing live. You know, just in case any of your readers have fish to put down.

Confession: I have been wondering if my BF's son's guinea pig that died in December is a skeleton yet, and kind of want to trick the 9-year-old into digging him up to find out.

Waffle said...

a lady - I fear I may have had too much violet mojito to fully understand yours. Are you attached to HIM, or to someone else at present? However, regardless, I can make you watch this which will destroy your soul entirely. Even if you don't speak French.

Anon with the overseas boyfriend - Hmm. A tricky situation. However thankfully you are not here for advice but for PENANCE, and I have some in the wizened form of Michel Sardou . Yay!

Exromana - I imagine your crime will come and bite you and you will suddenly be overwhelmed with the melancholy that you are faking. Life is like that. In the interim however, I give you the ghastly features of French uber molecular gastronomist Marc Veyrat losing the plot.

justme said...

I confess.....that in the midst of watching my mother die this week, I managed to offend my stepmother, with whom I was staying, to the extent that I left her house after midnight and retreat to an hotel. My sin, is that I was so drunk that I still do not know what awful things I may or may not have said to her. But apparently unforgivable.
Another sin.....that I have not gone in to work today and have told them I will not be in next week either. However, I spent the day sunbathing in the garden and playing mindlessly on the internets, rather than organising the funeral.
As to YOUR sins... Flushing the fish was not a sin. Is normal. The others are so minor too, that I agree with Mrs Trefusis.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I have riched so sinly that I don't know where to start.

Yestereve I committed the scene of envy - at the special exclusive games the childminder and the offspring had. It was the first time in a long time that I wanted him all to myself, wanted to be the person who points out passing trucks and airplanes and knows what his proto-sounds stand for and grin at each other with merry inside jokes, which is ridic probably, but true nonetheless.

And today has been rich in sin! It was a day off from work, in which I resolved to sort out admin and pick up son from care early in order to play with him - instead all I accomplished in eight hours was to have a long bath and play with the internet.

As for dinner cooked cod (Double sin - eating of endangered spieces and boring middle class guilt about it) and let cat eat some off the table (he was sitting in the chair like a person, and looked so elegant and it made the baby laugh).

Today I have also drunk the baby's apple juice when he wasn't looking (evil un-mother that I am) just because I was thirsty, and let child play with digging in other people's gardens because it made him laugh (raising delinquent due to spinelessness/lack of principles in the face of childish glee; also explains why I let him stay up an hour past bedtime tonight because he was singing to me).

Waffle said...

Layla/Artichoke Queen - clearly you have much to discuss. I am BRITISH, leave me out of your filth.

Baby gender anon - oh no. I can totally visualise that whole scenario. You have had more than enough punishment. You can have the hiccuping baby porcupine kindly gifted me by Lydia.

M - hang on, isn't that the wrong way around? Shouldn't you be putting personal expenses on business card? Your penance: touch a jelly. Have a bath. Put a white dreadlock down your ear canal.

3limes - quite right too. Goats are for everyone.

Z - pfff, what am I supposed to do with you and your life of unimpeachable virtue? Hmm? You are not banned but you are on probation. Please be bad in the next month.

PM - Urgh. If only he was right. Hateful business.

Persephone - the jaws of hell are nomming you gently. nom nom nom nom nom. Because it is my job to save you, here is your penance.

Anonymous said...

i am confessing being glad i am not the only one jealous of healthy mothers and babes to be. it is not that i am not happy for these lovely young women....but do they all have to do this at once? my husband's family is so fertile it makes me scream...i am from a nervous, twitchy group of infertile ladies. i know he resents this and wish i could prove it was his low sperm count that caused the whole thing! thanks, i feel better now.

Waffle said...

Bevchen - that's more of a baby animal than a chanson française confession. Hmm. How about a shrieking lemur ? I like its facial expression.

Menopause Anon - you are currently in the lead with the most succinct and hilarious confession of the evening. You get a naked mole rat AND David Attenborough

Sue - Pah, children LOVE swearing parents. I hope. And infected blisters are a rite of passage. Ahem. Steal a pen and send me a photo of it. Go on go on go on go on.

Stacy said...

I have a terrible UTI and despite my best efforts (shoving tea tree oil up my hunky-dory), it has gotten the best of me. I have wet my pants a little bit each hour as I wait for my appointment with il dottore.

Z said...

Actually, right now I'm half-way through getting my sensible and lovely husband drunk. It's great fun, as he doesn't realise.

Oh, I have remembered a sin. I let my ex-tenant believe that it was the agents' fault that he hasn't had his deposit back, when it was I who hadn't bothered to send the form releasing it to them. He thinks I'm 'the best', when I've merely done now what I should have done two months ago - but he was a dilatory pain in the arse, if a charming one, so I sort of felt he deserved it. Still, it was nearly £2,000, so it must have hurt, and I enjoyed it. Actually, that's quite bad. Please, am I forgiven?

Pochyemu said...

Every time I sit down to write my sins, I at first think, 'Oh, I'm not so bad'. But then I REALLY start thinking about it and I remember how awful I am.

1. Since everyone else is admitting their baby envy, I think I should update on mine. I almost totally refuse (politely and subtley) to hold, look at, play with or smile at my first, 5mth old, baby niece. I know my heart wrenching, stomach turning desire to have a kid (despite not liking children much at all) is totally irrational given my financial, emotional, and employment status but I can't help it. Every time I see my SIL holding her baby with that doped-up, perfectly composed, with-it, stupid smug smile on her stupid smug mug, I want to be sick. And all I can think, over and over is, 'She has everything she wants in life.'

I'm terrible.

2. I have to buy a bday present for my half-SIL for next weekend, but all I want to do is spend money on myself. Starting with a manicure in the morning. I am terrible with money in all ways, despite being the ruthless money-Nazi who criticises my husband for every penny he spends.

3. I told Rob he really couldn't afford to go on holiday this summer, despite not having any type of holiday in well over a year and the fact that he usually has a steady income whereas I funded holidays to Estonia, Sweden, America and Hungary last year with 10%APR private student loans.

That's enough for now. I'm starting to blush.

mrs doyle said...

Alright so. If that is my penance, I will go on the rob tomorrow when he is missing. Not sure what to do with booty after robbery - can you suggest something other than ebay? Because am too much of a chicken. Also... menopause anon - I love you.

Waffle said...

Just take a picture of it Mrs Doyle. Or, maybe, dip it in the loo or something? Use it to scratch the downy peanut?

mrs d said...

See, you are far more 'creative' than I. Scratching the downy peanut is fucking genius. I am grinning with absolute wickedness.

victoriark said...

Oh Empress, my life has been tame of late so I do worry that my confessions may not be up to the mark but here they are;

I downloaded an album of French pop music yesterday; will be found tomorrow mostly listening to Sinclair.

I adore all things Dick Van Dyke especially Diagnosis Murder which I watch on a daily basis.

Any chance of a holy martini as penance? Ta.

lucia martinez said...

dearest jay--

alas, I am emotionally attached to him, and sexually attached to, er, anyone female. but mercifully, I do speak french! so merci for the penance. you're right, I feel better.

Kate said...

i'm making the family move into an apartment that might not be that great, but i want to get the F out of our current apartment (which my husband is in love with). I also have fantasies of making my husband take the small room that is supposed to be my office and having the entire huge bedroom to myself.

i am pretty sure i look at my computer more than i look at my daughter.

i hired a friend and haven't paid her yet. In my defense, she doesn't seem bothered.

yesterday, i didn't eat anything that had any nutritional value before dinner and only then because my mom is here.

i swear like a sailor in front of my daughter and her friends.

Silvio Salamander said...

I am impressed by the phone / text sex people. I confess that I tried phone sex once with a, er, friend. It soon became apparent that I was shit at it, and the whole thing was ridiculous. But it would have been terribly rude to stop, so yes, I faked a natural ending.

Margarita @ said...

I have given you an award at my blog!

Laura Jane said...

I couldn't give a stuff about the fish.

It is the least of the things I am concerned about in your house my dear.

Feel NOT ONE MORE millisecond of guilt about the fate of the stupid fish.

I'm on 5 days off now.....NOW I will have time to do some sinning. I'll get back to ya!

Kim Velk said...

My children once had fish: Roxy and Dollar. Tank hygiene was an issue. One day last year, a few days after I had laboriously cleaned the damn thing, I noticed it was stinking again. "Just a little bleach, a capful," I thought. (And it wasn't my husband who did it, it was ME). Result: swollen, white, poisoned gold fish. Of course, I didn't really have mens rea, but maybe willful blindness. So, as we will recall from law school, I am guilty. You only wished your fish dead (mens rea with no actus reus) so you are innocent. In any case, we eat fish all the time so what's a little flushing and poisoning? Also, the bleach did work to make the tank smell better.

And I hate homework more than my kids. I ask Shackleton about his and he says it is finished and I say "fine." Mind you, he is on the verge of failing 2nd grade. So, if you are aiming to shock, you are going to have to dig a little deeper. No penance for you.

GingerB said...

I cringe to report how pathetic I am. I am too tired to have sex even with my husband, so no chance of texting it with anyone. I am too lazy and slothful to exercise so I remain heavy and overly committed to daily cheese eating. I am judgmental with those around me, especially husband (who would never hoard any kind of pen at all) and I laughed out loud at Sue's child's bum's blister. I still want to hurt her husband, though, so can I be redeemed on general principles?

Waffle said...

Kathy - Well, you had been so bad in London I suppose you were due a bit of virtuousness. You must try and rectify the situation before June, even if only with more tea strainer type scenarios.

Betta anon - oh lord, if only I had known this a week ago. Go on! Dig the guinea up! It will be fun. Grisly, putrefying fun, the best kind.

Justme - I am so so sorry. In these circumstances EVERYTHING is allowed. I will tell you what Prog Rock got up to after my mum died if you like to make you feel better.

Rainsinger - your penance is, the next time your cat is sitting up at the table like a human you must take a picture of it for us. Your sins seem really very minor. Barely worth digging up the Holy Tortoise from his hiding place under the bench for.

Uberfertilehusband anon - that totally doesn't deserve chanson française. I am sentencing you to watch that Caplin Rous a go down a slide

Stacy - but that's not even bad! It's just horrible for you. Unless you got it doing something really really wicked.

Z - thank goodness, I was starting to worry about you. "a dilatory pain in the arse" is a lovely phrase. You are more than forgiven, you are BLESSED by the Holy Tortoise.

Pochyemu - as ever, you are one of our top confessees. I find it hard to inflict penance on you because I like you and your sins too much. Tsk, so difficult to be the confessor sometimes. Ok. Your penance is to let Rob do some stupid expensive martial arts activity, just once.

Waffle said...

Victoriark - I am mixing you one right now, you are heading right down the primose path to europop damnation.

Kate - eh. I am underwhelmed by your evil. They all seem very wee sins to me. Have a vitamin. Or some chocolate. Or one of those green things, whatever. How would I know, I had chocolate digestives for lunch and toast for dinner. The only reason I didn't have Bonne Maman petits pots de crème again was that the CFO ate the last two and I am very cross with him for it.

Silvio - ha! Your penance is to tell us one thing you said. Anything. Ha. I am gleeful at this. Faking phone sex. A new confessional high.

Margarita - that's not sinful, but thank you!

Laura Jane - thank you for trying to absolve me of fish guilt. Les petits poissons are haunting me though.

KSV Woolfoot - I love the lawyer talk. But don't you think I am definitely guilty of one of the aiding/abetting type offences that carry the same penalty?

GingerB - Definitely. I think we all want to hurt Sue's husband. Sorry Sue.

Jessica K said...

I am so late.
I can only add that my christmas tree is still up and I still spend a great part of my day lusting for clothes.
Not very original sins, but my own nonetheless.

Jessica K said...

I can add that the piney smell does cover the stench from our incontinent dog.
And my backyard has waist high grass. I think the dogs love it as it does look like the savannahs of Africa. I must go out and weed whack it this weekend before wildlife nests in there and the dogs systematically kill them. This has happened. One Fathers Day the dogs brought in six dead moles and laid them at my feet. I kept trying to dispose of them and would start screaming and running around. The kids were very amused. I waited for my husband to come home from work and made him bag up the carcasses.
We once had mice pets and neglected to feed them properly and one ate the other. Then the survivor escaped and ran around the house for a year until someone (I think my mom) poisoned it.
I have other, more personal sins, but HT, if I dont feel bad about them at all, are they really a sin?

Anonymous said...

I confess, O Empress, that it has taken me all fecking morning to work out how to leave a comment. I fear the punishment for this crime will be painfully severe.
I confess that I, like you, have also been responsible for the MURDER of a child's pet. Did I pay the £300 to have the guinea pig's broken leg amputated, when my child was sobbing? No, but I paid £20 for the creature to be put down. This sin has weighed heavily on me for over 10 YEARS.
I confess that in my mid 40's, I often find my family HUGELY irritating. This also includes the Cat. Is it unreasonable to often want to steal away in the middle of the night to a secret & tranquil place and to let family & cat fend for themselves, for maybe a year or two?
I confess that all the things that I should have done this half term HAVE NOT BEEN DONE AND I DO NOT CARE. The windows are thick with grime, cobwebs that Shelob would envy hang from the ceilings, the kitchen cupboards have not been emptied & scrubbed. I have become a slattern.
Hmm. My Twitter addiction surely has to be confessed and because of Twitter I have started watching programmes like BGT and the Apprentice! I also spend a lot of time now reading funny blogs instead of putting bleach in the loos, cooking nutritious meals for my family or gouging out weeds from between patio stones, to cite a few eg's.
O Empress, I fear there is no hope for me really but will accept your many punishments to absolve my multi-sinning *genuflecting & weeping*

Anonymous said...

I was so desperate with trying to decide whether I should split up with my partner that I asked Jenny the Bloggess to decide for me. She wouldn't. I know I should, but I want someone else to tell me what to do.

carolinefo said...

Forgive me, oh Holy Tortoise, because I am a Depraved Slut.

However, although I am a Depraved Slut, I still have much to learn about the possibilities of text sex from the Artichoke Queen – what can I say, I was a late adopter of the mobile phone..

Was fascinated to learn of the AQ’s Pavlovian erotic response to the ding! ding! of incoming text messages whilst conducting an adulterous affair (adultery his, not hers), especially because my Big Sin this month is that fact that I, too, seem to be barrelling towards an adulterous affair (his adultery, not mine), and all my moral scruples seem to have packed their bags and left for an extended vacation in the remote Peruvian Highlands where, apparently, they cannot be contacted except by mule, carrier pigeon, or bearers carrying messages in cleft sticks.

I have spent most of the last 2 weeks, since being unexpectedly struck by a volley of Arrows of Desire whilst blamelessly going about my business, in an extended erotic reverie, whilst firmly pushing away any intrusive thoughts on Wrongness, Inappropriateness, the fact that this is a small town, and the total inevitability of it all Ending In Tears (he is younger than me & from a different culture – it could never be anything more than a brief affair).

I just want him.

I wish I could press the ‘off’ button – or even the standby button – but I can’t. And since he has recently texted me making it clear that these feelings of desire are mutual (although this was already apparent from his behaviour), the situation is becoming ever more dangerous.

Also, my best friend back home in England, who is a Very Moral Person with strict views on the sanctity of marriage, gently advised me on the phone last night not to do this, and how damaging it might be to me as well as to his marriage, child, yada yada, and SHE IS RIGHT and I feel completely TAWDRY.

And out of control….

Grit said...

i am behaving like a 2-yearold difficultspoiledselfish cow simply because i am required to come home to england. and i am not bloody repentant either. i believe it is my RIGHT to go where i please and do what i want and i deserve to have someone else PAY for it.

and i have wondered furiously how we can fiddle all our expenses and get away with it.

and i will join those who admit to peeing on the library carpet and saying NOTHING. BAH. Let us not ADMIT. Let us BOAST.

carolinefo said...

this is not a confession, but my twitter account has been suspended because of possible abuse? WTF?
From what I could see , the last post - which I didn't make - seemed to be a link to a video of some kind...

I've sent them an email to say 'let me back! let me back!' , but in the meantime, am EXILED from twitter.
This is really annoying. I'm already having withdrawal symptoms...

Waffle said...

Do you think it's because you confessed about Julie, Layla?

carolinefo said...

No, I don't think so - I mean, who cares if I used to be @JulieMemeson - lots of people have more than one twitter account, and people are impersonating people all over the place. And it finished ages ago.

When I tried to log on there was a status update I hadn't made giving a link to a video - although this has now disappeared.

Have just remembered that something similar happened on a friend's Facebook account a few weeks back - he sent a link to a video, and when I clicked on it there was some kind of warning saying this account had been hijacked. Maybe it's the same thing.

Really, really annoying, though - I've feel like I've been locoked out in the snow...

carolinefo said...

just checked - the Julie account is still working, so it can't be anything to do with that. So I'll just log on as her in the mean time, and listen, but not post...after all, we followed a lot of the same people.

I feel as if I've been burgled with this spam hijack thing - never had anything like this happen before.

emily said...

ok so my first sin is that i am very late to confessional - apologies.
Second is that my parents are coming up in two days to visit my home for the first time ever and i cannot be bothered with the cleaning, so bought a feather duster and kind of flicked the dust around....and ppersuaded my beloved to do the hoovering....this is AFTER he has already made a new bath surround, painted loads of random parts that needed it and cleaned the kitch...whilst i had a nap!
Also, i am having my tonsils out on 11th but am taking three weeks off work, just because i hate it so much...and slightly gleeful that they will make a huuuge mes of my work.
bless me and give me panance please

Mari said...

1. I don't answer the phone when my parents or in-laws call. ever.

2. I am tired of sharing everything with my sister in law (2 pregnancies,2 diseases and now a graduation) Don't want to see her at all, ever again.

3. Had popcorn for lunch.

4. Dislike the children next door, who throw garbage in my yard and ring the doorbell and run away.

tragicanon said...

i'm engaged as of yesterday evening... and i'm not 100% sure i should be...
even more shameful, i love the beautiful ring more than anything else about it, jesus it's beautiful: vintage piece with 24 diamonds and a topaz centre set in 18ct gold...
sort of crying at the thought of it all... i don't want to voice any thoughts out loud but confession is alright because i can shut the laptop and pretend i didn't write this...
plus, the only reason i 'think' i might not want to be engaged is because i'm holding out hope for something that will NEVER happen... 10 years of wishing is not worthwhile.. .
still - a marriage usually follows a beautiful ring doesn't it?!
i'm a very bad person and deserve much, much punishment...
hope you are feeling better than me xxx

Waffle said...

tragicanon - oh, lord, I think about you A LOT, you know. Um. I will not say congratulations. Why don't you email me and I can tell you the stuff I don't even confess anonymously, and we can both feel like total disasters together. Yes? Does that sound like an excellent plan? No, didn't think so. Offer stands though.

Mrs Jones said...

wow - 72 comments (although I know some are yours Emma, but, even so...) is this a record?

I have an even bigger confession (well, it is to me) but I'm full of wine (instead of cocktails) and not quite ready to make it yet... oh all right then, you've persuaded me.

Even though we love each other very much and still share a bed, The Husband and I have not had sex in probably nearly 10 years. The infertility treatment kind of killed it off and neither of us could be bothered to resurrect it. But it bothers me less that I would have thought.

Damn it, now I've nothing to confess next time...

Artichoke Queen said...

Layla, if you want to hear about my whole affair experience I am happy to share it with you -- there were significant downsides and upsides, and I too felt quite irresistibly pulled into it. Jaywalker, can you please give Layla my email address if she wants it? Thanks! x

Robert Hudson said...

A lot here on fish, and not much about birthdays. I think people who know me will tell you that this very closely reflects what my life is like. Origin of this excellent state of affairs is: my family is well unbirthdayey (parents forgot my fifteenth birthday entirely and I walked around looking injured for a few days, then they remembered and called me an idiot for not reminding them). I therefore have a very healthy attitude to the irrelevance of birthdays and other anniversaries of all kinds, not shared by my girlfriends, one of which I don't currently have, for reasons passing all comprehension.

Anonymous said...

I thought I had nothing to confess, but other people's confessions reminded me.

1. As I have grown older, I have realized that I hate my older sister with a passion reserved fr genocidal dictators, and I always have. My parents always insisted we would "grow out of it" and I would be obligated to nominally love her as a member of my own family, but I honestly despise her very existence. I don't know what the penance is for wanting your own sibling to disappear off the face of the earth.

2. Also, peeing in the library reminded me of when I vomited on the floor of the mall and proceeded to clean myself up and run to a bathroom but never told anyone that I had done it. I was 17 at the time.

Also, as for your parental fail, my parents gave me two birthday parties that involved an actual "party" with extra food and cake and guests and so forth. I believe it was when I was 5 and 6. Afterward, we celebrated with a small cake and dinner and just the family. I did not have another "party" where other children were invited until I graduated high school. Not a 16th, not an 18th, not a 21st birthday party. I turned out PERFECTLY FINE and into a moderately successful and completely well-adjusted human being. They will not turn into serial killers. They probably won't even remember when they are older.

Anonymous said...

O Empress, beguiling weepette and Holy Tortoise,
I am guilty of:
1. Sloth: lounging around the house instead of getting a job, and using dry hair shampoo far too frequently in place of a proper shower; feeling aggrieved when being offered a job and they are not deterred by my indeterminably slow provision of information needed for recruitment purposes
2. Wrath: harbouring a grudge for the cat suddenly throwing a wobbly and scratching my face; eyeing her askance and withholding strokes

Waffle said...

Jessica K - the holy tortoise is a prurient type, and would like to know about your other sins before he can decide whether you should feel bad about them. As for the moles, well. They are hardly your sin.

Guinea murdering anon - HOW MUCH???? That is more than a tortoise penis amputation! Jesus. we all went wrong somewhere and should have studied veterinary science. I am unmoved by your sins but the cost of guinea pig surgery has shocked me to the core. Penance: teach your family how to cook a nutritious meal using the cat. Take a holiday.

Anon - oh dear. are you sure you asked the right blogger? ASK ME.

Layla - this is not the place to come for morals. Instead your penance is to tell me more, and in detail, about the erotic subtext to feeding you dried beans.

Grit - goodness! That sounds familiar to someone who has been sulking for a week about coming home from London. Penance: you don't actually want any, do you? You aren't even slightly repentant. Um. Take a picture of something horrible in your fridge again for me.

Emily - three weeks off work! Oooh. Good. You did well. I can't begin to get aerated about cleaning confessions. You've seen my house. Is there anything dead in your house? No? Fine. Your penance is to buy a bunch of cheap flowers. It will hide all manner of horrors.

Mari - the phone is demonic. I never answer it. I hold it like it might scald me and deposit it in the kitchen drawers if it cheeps at me. No penance.

Mrs Jones - surely confession implies some kind of badness? This is NOT BADNESS. It is probably very reassuring to hear for lots of people but it's definitely not bad.

Robert - oh dear, this is one I am going to get all judgmental and ratzinger about. I live with one of your sort. Birthdays ARE important. Sorry. You are going to have to sort this out and pronto. Penance: oh yes. Very definitely. I sentence you to look at the Clintons Cards website until you go cross eyed.

Anonymous sister hater - I bet this is quite common but it's one of those dark dark ones people don't talk about it. UNTIL NOW.

Anonymous dry shampoo - welcome home, my child. You are among friends. Give the cat a grudging pat and continue to sin.

Anonymous said...

Whilst reading the promised chapter of Anne of Green Gables to my children tonight, I skipped through whole paragraphs of descriptive waffle at a time.
The reason for my haste? No, not the shit, folksy, vomit-inducing, stereotypical, gender-reinforcing writing. The reason was that I did not want to be late for an online philandering date. In years to come, when my children are older and wiser they will understand: LM Montgomery is wildly overrated.

Anonymous said...

I'm loving the previous Anonymous. Your children will not be scarred, rest assured.

I am slightly tempted to post a Real Confession but I'm not quite drunk enough. I will cough to getting a bit bored with the other half's ongoing fit of the blues: go on holiday, find a shrink, see the doctor, but just doing the same stuff ain't gonna fix it.

I'm also pissed off that tomorrow is a holiday here and I have to go to work in London. Penance me up, Jaywalker (acting in the name of the HT, obv).

MsPrufrock said...

My confession is your run-of-the-mill discontent mother/wife shit, but I still feel guilty. A friend and I have recently been discussing a road trip across the US - visiting historical, as well as random and tacky as hell stops. Husband, though up for such a trip one day, does not have the same interests as me in this regard. A road trip for him would revolve around sports and...sports. I told husband that the friend and I planned this for "someday", whereupon I was told that I could not possibly have the inner strength to be away from him and Child for a month.

The confession is that yes, I totally could, and not only that, I would fucking love it.

I am now concerned that my family will die in a fiery car wreck, because that's what happens when people say they want to get away, if only for a little while.

Jools said...

82 comments!!!! i'm away for a couple of weeks and THIS is what happens?! i want to confess too, but first-i'll comment. i know what the elephant is (i think i do anyway). just leave it there. that's what they're for. everything will be okay, i promise. now the fish. why couldn't you have just neglected them a bit longer? perhaps this was actually eufishnasea? lastly, it's good to forget bdays once every few years. i'm sure you had a sweet family celebration with cake and prezzies. good enough. combine all celebrations until the teen years. do i sound bossy? that's because i broke my shoulder 2 weeks ago and i'm in a freaking horrible mood. ugly sling. lots of pain. can't drive. and looking really old and osteoporotic. haggish in fact. youngest graduating and going to scary school in frozen far away land. depressed as hell. want to spend money so bad. sent for $900. martin margiela shoes. too small!
i neeeeed something to appear glamorous at graduation...... i'm jealous of all these rich ladies whose children are going to private colleges (instead of HUGE universities). wish i hadn't told my husband about menopause! and laying around morosely to be taken out to dinner is my middle name. also have thoroughly destroyed my soul with weight obsession. too bad. you are so much better than vicodin. xo

carolinefo said...

"you are so much better than vicodin."

the last sentence of Jools' confession really sums it up...

that is a fabulous recommendation, and it should be emblazoned somewhere on your blog.

"Belgian Waffle - better than vicodin"

and I will second that with the English equivalent:

"Belgian Waffle - better than Nurofen Plus".

Millennium Housewife said...

Dear BW, I have booked my Husband in for a vasectomy, of which he knows nada, instead of penance could you suggest a way of getting him to the clinic and onto the operating table without him guessing what is about to happen?

Waffle said...

Anne of Green Gables anon - well, tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner and all that and who am I to talk about neglecting children for the internet? No penance.

Depressed partner anon - I really hope you aren't the CFO. Um. I sentence you to watch C'est du Belge on Friday night. Assuming you are in Belgium.

MsPrufrock - the terror is penance enough. Eventually it will fade and maybe one day you can be a horrible hag like me.

Ooh, Jools, have you been reading about the mysterious disappearance of Martin Margiela?

Layla - yes. And now someone should make me a banner saying that. Anyone?

MH - hee, it's like vaccinating children and dogs, but maybe slightly crueller! Tell him you need him for moral support at a medical thing maybe? Then it transpires the moral support you require is him to get the snip?

Anonymous said...

Just a thought, but is the fish confession based on that 'First they came..' poem by Nemoller?

There are some similarities!

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Unknown said...

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helen said...

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helen said...

This is incredible!! I still imagine how lord aguma brought my husband back to me in just 3days. No one could have ever made me believe that there is a real spell caster that really work. My name is Helen from United States, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is lord aguma, He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted him, he cast a love spell for me and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me. he is back now with so much love and caring. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers of bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, lord aguma can also offer any types of help like Reuniting of marriage and relationship, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via this email

Ana Jackie said...

The greatesst joy in my life now is that my love life has been restored by this great man and the best i can do now is to tell the whole world about this great man. This great man helped me when i had problem with my boyfriend and now my boyfriend is back in my arms if you are out there and you need a right place to solve your relationship problems contact this great man Dr Ogudugu is the right choice. He is a great man that have been casting spells with years of experience and he cast spells for different purposes like
(1)If you want your ex back.
(2)To cure Hiv/Aids.
(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
(4)If you want a child.

Contact him today on his Email:

Unknown said...

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Unknown said...

WITH A GRATEFUL HEART Dr MOMODU is a real spell caster, he is so powerful, unique, and amazing. Dr MOMODU restored happiness to my life again by bringing my husband back to me with his powers. Dr MOMODU is a gifted and a very powerful good man and if not for him what would my life turn to? Dr MOMODU may your good gods continue to bless you for your good deeds. Dr MOMODU words can not express how much good you have done for me and i believe that even a thousand words won't be enough to describe your good great works. If you are facing any spiritual problem i advice you not to cry just contact Dr MOMODU on his email or and he will solve all your problems. Contact him on his email: OR DR. Momodu for the excessive work that he has done for me. his Via web sit: OR you can call him with number +15306253704

Unknown said...

Urgent Real Love Spell That Work Fast On How To Get Your Ex, Husband, Wife Back
My life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 8 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn't a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the great spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice that to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the details, but after two days, my mom called me that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave Happy a call regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn't done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact Happy for help and you can reach him via email: you can also call him or add him on whats-app +2348133873774

ghada said...

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ghada said...

ان اردت نقل عفش منزلك بالدمام ابيات الشرقية من اهم شركات نقل العفش بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والقطيف والاحساء
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jenifer laureen said...

OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF SEPTEMBER 2016, And I saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called dr bante on the forum..I never believed it, because I never heard nor learnt anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until dr bante did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 48hours just as I have read on the internet..I was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and I don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you dr bante , you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. Here is ..... His Email: or call him or whatsapp him +2347059073543

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eman2017 said...

قبطان الخليج -0504353061-يُعد الأثاث من أكثر الأشياء التي تحتاج إلى حرص ودقة بالغة عند القيام بنقلها شركة نقل عفش بالظهران
تملك شركة نقل عفش بالظهران الفنين المختصون في فك النجف والأشياء الزجاجية الغالية بطريقة أكثر أمن للحفاظ عليها من الكسر والتلف خلال عملية النقل.يتم فك كل قطعة من الأثاث وتغليفها بشكل كامل وبعناية ودقة كاملة للحفاظ على الأثاث. شركة نقل اثاث بالظهران

eman2017 said...

كما حرصت أرخص شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام
افضل شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام وشركه نقل عفش بالخبر والقطيف  والامر ليس قاصرا على الدمام  وانما لدينا فروع اخرى بالجبيل والقطيف والاحساء  و نحن من أوائل الناس كــ شركة نقل عفش بالخبر والدمام لدينا خبرة متطورة في خدمات نقل اثاث السكنى والتجاري والفندقي بكل عناية ومهنية لعملائنا الكرام بالاعتماد على تكنولوجيا النقل من الباب إلى الباب باستخدام أحدث الآليات في النقل لضمان أمان خدمة النقل في اقل وقت واقل تكاليف أرخص شركة نقل عفش بالدمام

eman2017 said...

شركة نقل عفش بالجبيل
ولا سيما شركه نقل عفش بالجبيل تستطيع القيام بأعمال نقل الاثاث على الطريقه المثلى ضرورة لابد منها شركة نقل اثاث بالجبيل
شركة نقل عفش بالاحساء
الحرص الشديد في التعامل مع قطع العفش وخاصة القطع غالية الثمن أو القطع الحساسة وتقوم شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام والخبر العمالة بترقيم قطع الأثاث التي تتكون من عدة قطع كالدواليب مثلا فان بعض الدواليب يكون مكون من أكثر من قطعة ومن ثم إذا لم يتم ترقيم القطع بعناية سيصعب للغاية تركيبه مرة ثانيه. شركة نقل اثاث بالاحساء

eman2017 said...

شركة نقل اثاث بالخبر
تسعى شركة نقل اثاث بالجبيل إلى إرضاء العملاء من خلال الطاقم الذي يعمل لديهم ومن خلال الأدوات التي تستخدم في عملية نقل الأثاث من مكان إلى آخر، حيث تستخدم شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف الأوناش الحديثة التي تستخدم في رفع العفش ووضعه في السيارات حتى لا يتعرض إلى التجريح والخدش شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف
تقدم شركة نقل عفش بالدمام والقطيف خدمة تخزين الأثاث لديها حسب المدة التي يرغبها العميل، وهذا مع توفيرالنظافة التامة للأثاث.ستعمل شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف الخامات الحديثة والعالية الجودة من أجل تغليف الأثاث، والتي تحافظ على الأثاث من التلف والكسر والخدش. شركة نقل عفش بالقطيف
شركة نقل اثاث برأس تنورة

eman2017 said...

افضل شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام وشركه نقل عفش بالخبر والقطيف  والامر ليس قاصرا على الدمام  وانما لدينا فروع اخرى بالجبيل والقطيف والاحساء  و نحن من أوائل الناس كــ شركة نقل عفش بالخبر والدمام لدينا خبرة متطورة في خدمات نقل اثاث السكنى والتجاري والفندقي بكل عناية ومهنية لعملائنا الكرام بالاعتماد على تكنولوجيا النقل من الباب إلى الباب باستخدام أحدث الآليات في النقل لضمان أمان خدمة النقل في اقل وقت واقل تكاليف شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام
 شركة نقل عفش بالدمام والخبر  بفك العفش حيث يقوم نجارون مدربون على مستوي عالي ومتقدم بفك العفش بطريقة صحيحة. أرخص شركة نقل عفش بالدمام

eman2017 said...

شركة غسيل مكيفات بالدمام سبليت ان شركة غسيل مكيفات بالدمام لديها افضل طاقم من العمال المهرة و المدربين علي مستوي عالي جدا من الاحترافية الشديدة و لديها عدد كبير من الفنين الماهرين و المدربين علي اعلي المستويات من الكفاءة و الخبرة الفائقة و تقوم شركة غسيل مكيفات بالدمام بالتدريب للعمال علي مستوي عالي و ايضا تدريبات شاقة جدا و مكثفة و لذلك فنجد ان العمال لدي شركة غسيل مكيفات بالدمام مدربين علي مستوي عالي جدا شركة تنظيف مكيفات بالدمام
تنظيف مكيفات بالدمام
نحن في شركة تنظيف بالدمام نعد الافضل في مجال تنظيف الشقق لاننا نهتم بادق التفاصيل المهمة التي تعطي انطباع جيد لدي عملائنا لهذا فنحن شركة نظافه بالدمام نستخدم أفضل الادوات التي تستخدم في عملية التنظيف العالمية التي تستخدم في افضل الدول العالمية شركة غسيل مكيفات بالدمام
شركة تنظيف مكيفات بالقطيف
فى الدمام او فى المنازل السعوديه يوجد مشكله فى تغير لو ن الكنب مما يؤدى اللى الحاجه اللى عمليات غسيل ونظافه للكنب بالدمام الدينا فريق العمل مخصص فى عملية غسيل الكنب ونظافته بالدمام ليس هذا فقط نقوم عملية غسيل لفرش الكنب بالدمام لاشك ان الكنب له عمليات استخدام ولابد ان يكون منظره رائع دائما لهذا شركة تنظيف مكيفات بالخبر

eman2017 said...

نحن في شركة تنظيف كنب بالدمام نقوم بغسيل و تنظيف الكنب بأنواعه المصنوع من الأقمشة والجلد وتنظيف المجالس الأرضية بجميع أشكالها.. شركة أحباب طيبة للخدمات المنزلية هي من أقدم و افضل شركة تنظيف كنب بالدمام شركة تنظيف كنب بالدمام
شركة غسيل كنب بالدمام
مؤسسه انوار طيبه تعتبر أفضل شركة تنظيف فلل وشقق بالدمام والأحساء: هو التعاون مع الشركات المتخصصه فى تنضيف الشقق وطبعاً بنقدر نعتمد على الشركات المتخصصه فى تنضيف الشقق بالكامل وده لان الشركات المتخصصه فى تنضيف الشقق عندها عمال بيقومو بتنضيف الشقق وطبعاً بكل محتوياتها يعنى كل حاجه موجوده فى الشقه يعنى المفروشات والعفش والنجف والزجاج وكمان الحوائط والعمال عندهم القدرة على تنضيف الحوائط والجدران مهما كانت متسخه وخصوصاً لو الشقه دى فيها اطفال لانه زى ما احنا عارفين ان الاطفال عندهم هواية شركات تنظيف شقق بالدمام شركة تنظيف كنب بالقطيف

eman2017 said...

لذلك تقدم  شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر  خدمات ابادة الحشرات والقوارض نهائيا ولدينا قسم خاص للمبيدات الحشريه حيث تعتبر شركة النقاء افضل شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام ، وافضل شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر ونملك طاقم عمل محترف ومهني في استخدام المبيدات الحشرية . شركة مكافحة حشرات بالقطيف
شركات مكافحة حشرات ورش مبيدات بالمدينة هل تبحث عن شركة مكافحة حشرات بالسعودية هل لديك نمل في المطبخ او حشرة البق في الخشب؟ هل عندك صراصير او نمل او فئران وتفسد عليك حياتك في منزلك او شركتك؟ لا تقلق فهناك العديد من شركات مكافحة الحشرات في السعودية وأيضا يوجد العديد من شركة رش مبيدات ومكافحة الحشرات بالمدينة المنورة شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخبر
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام

eman2017 said...

شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف متخصصين بالخدمات المنزلية وما يهمنا هي مصلحة العميل الذى يريد ان يعتمد على أحد شركات نقل العفش والاثاث بالقطيف او اى مدينة اخرى متواجدين بها فى نقل اثاث سكنه بكل طمأنينة دون اى قلق من شركة نقل الاثاث لما يحتويه من اثاث غالى وثمين وذكريات جميلة من الدرجة الاول وان يحصل علي افضل الخدمات باقل الاسعار و باعلي جوده ونحن في شركتنا شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
شركة نقل عفش بالقطيف
تسعى شركة نقل اثاث بالجبيل إلى إرضاء العملاء من خلال الطاقم الذي يعمل لديهم ومن خلال الأدوات التي تستخدم في عملية نقل الأثاث من مكان إلى آخر، حيث تستخدم شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف الأوناش الحديثة التي تستخدم في رفع العفش ووضعه في السيارات حتى لا يتعرض إلى التجريح والخدش شركة نقل عفش بالجبيل
شركة نقل عفش بالاحساء

eman2017 said...

نقدم لسيادتكم شركة نقل عفش بالخبر حيث تقدم لكم أرقى الخدمات في مجال نقل العفش بالدمام لذلك تصنف من افضل شركات نقل العفش بالدمام شركة نقل عفش بالخبر
نقل عفش بالخبر
شركة نقل عفش فى بالخبر
شركة نقل عفش بالدمام شركة نقل اثاث بالقطيف  شركة توصيل الاثاث والعفش للمنزل إذا لم يكن باستطاعتك توصيل الاثاث والعفش بنفسك لا تقلق يمكننا توصيل الاثاث والعفش من خلال خدمة التوصيل لدينا شركات نقل العفش بالخبر

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رواد الحرمين said...

افضل شركه كشف تسربات المياه وعزل الاسطح

نحن افضل شركة كشف تسربات المياة بالرياض لحل فواتير
المياه بالرياض ومتخصصين فى بحث وكشف تسربات المياه وحل تسرب
المياه ووقف نهائى لتسريب المياه بالضمان يوجد لدينا شركات
داخل وخارج الرياض متخصصيين فى مشاكل التسربات المياة كشركة
كشف تسربات المياة وكشف مياة التسرب وكشف تسرب المياة افضل شركة كشف تسرب المياه بالرياض يوجد فنيين متخصصين
للعمل لدى شركتنا فى ايجاد التسربات وحلول كثيرة لدينا فى
ايجاد تسريب المياه مع افضل الفنيين لحل ارتفاع فاتورة المياة
مع اطيب تمانينا لشركتنا لتفوقها فى الخدمات المنزلية عوازل

شركه كشف تسربات المياه بحائل

شركه كشف تسربات المياه بالقصيم

شركه كشف تسربات المياه بالباحة

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شركه كشف تسربات المياه بجدة

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Nancy Wooder said...

My life was destroyed when my husband sent me packing, after 13 years we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to my husband back to me. One day at work, I was distracted, not knowing that my boss called me, so he sat and asked me what it was all about, I told him and he smiled and said it was no problem. I never understood what he meant by it was no problem getting back my husband, he said he used a spell to get back his wife when she left him for another man, and now they are together till date and initially I was shocked hearing something from my boss. He gave me an email address of the LORD NOBEL which helped him get his wife back, I never believed that this would work, but I had no choice coming into contact with the sayings that I get done, and he asked for my information and that my husband was able to propose to throw him the spell and I sent him the details, but after two days, my mother called me that my husband was pleading that he wants me back, I never believed, because it was just a dream and I had to rush off to my mother's place and to my greatest surprise, was kneeling my husband beg me for forgiveness that he wants me and the child back home, when I gave LORD NOBEL a conversation regarding sudden change of my husband and he made clear to me that my husband will love me until the end of the world, that he will never leave for another woman. Now me and my husband is back together and started doing funny things he has not done before, he makes me happy and do what it is supposed to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind need, please contact LORD NOBEL for help. His email is or or you can call or whatspp him on this number + 1(817)755-0129