So. Where were we? Ah yes, elephants.
There is an elephant at Antwerp Zoo that is expecting a baby. The whole of Belgium has been waiting for the birth of the baby elephant since last year. The baby elephant is coming! It has its own website! It is due in March! There is a competition to choose its name! We can watch the birth live on the zoo webcam!
Yeah. Well. March came and went. And April. I have been muttering 'hysterical pregnancy' for weeks now, whilst clicking on bébé éléphant repeatedly to check on Pjo Pjo's progesterone levels. I know more about that creature's hormones than my own (shut up). I have played 'pin the head on the ultrasound foetus' after Monk pointed it out to me. She said she 'considered signing up for a text alert when baby is due, by which time mobiles will be obsolete and we will be communicating via ESP'. This looks increasingly likely. We have compared notes on the latest update which says that apparently Pjo Pjo is crying, which may conceivably mean she is anxious because the birth may possibly be imminent (desperate qualifying clauses, well done Antwerp Zoo, could you make it sound any less probable). If I had been pregnant for TWO YEARS I would be crying too. Pjo Pjo we are all with you. Be thankful your relatives aren't all on the phone every five minutes asking you how you feel, or if there's any news.
Also causing me great entertainment is the shamefaced video 'update' from the keeper, answering the question on the whole of Belgium's lips : HOW could you get it SO WRONG? Apparently he says, in a pained fashion, they 'missed a mating'.
Let us just reflect for an instant on that. Are you telling us, Antwerp Zoo, that you missed TWO ELEPHANTS HAVING SEX? You didn't notice at all? Were you, perhaps, busy watching 'C'est du Belge' at the time? Dancing to the Sound of Music in Central Station? Enjoying your cat throwing festival?
Belgium. You are bewildering.