Shut your textbooks, get out a pen and a sheet of paper. Candidates must answer question 1, plus three other questions which must include one fashion dilemma. You have 24 hours. Credit will be given for partial answers if they are VERY good.
Compulsory creative writing question
1. If we were to rewrite John Burningham's Would you rather with dilemmas for the modern age, what would you include?
Example: Would you rather have Simon Cowell sneer at your outfit, Trinny and Susannah poke your boobs, Supernanny tell you your behaviour is "unassettable", or Kim and Aggie look behind your toaster?
2. Is it vulgar to want to mark my blogversary in some way? If I were to organise some kind of small gathering in Brussels would that be ridiculous? If you are an axe murderer, please go to question 2a. If you are not, please go to question 2b.
2a Would you take advantage of such an occasion to dismember me and place my remains in refuse sacks?
2b Would you come? Would it be unbearably awkward and we would find nothing to say to each other and you would make your excuses after five minutes leaving me alone with a table full of politician shaped cupcakes?
Answer one only of questions 3 to 6
3. How short is too short when you are 34 and have reasonable legs apart from the knees and the thighs and sometimes the left ankle?
4. When do I have to give up on opaque tights for the year? Is temperature or month the deciding factor?
5. Do I have to give in and accept that wedges are a force for good in the world?
6. Construct five work outfits from a summer capsule wardrobe consisting of:
a) White and blue horizonal striped Sonia skating skirt
b) Geranium strappy Ferragamo sandals
c) Cream cotton Comtoir des Cottoniers peacoat with huge coffee stain down the front
d) Gaping, cleavage revealing Ginka black silk top with red and brown polka dots and a poorly placed bow, very mumsy.
e) Silver Paul & Joe vest, beautiful but obscenely low cut.
f) Black M&S short swingy cotton jacket, 3/4 length sleeves, big buttons, very faded, much loved.
g) Blue-white legs, horrid toenails and heat rash (model's own).
You also have access to a pair of curtains with cream zebras on them, 3 pairs of size 6 Reiss sale capri pants (blue, grey and black) that you can only get up to your knees and normal household equipment.
7. What can I make tonight with thin strips of pork fillet without using rice or onions? Recipe must not include more than 4 ingredients, or take more than 10 minutes.
8. Why does dog food smell so gross? Why can't it smell of lavender, or grass, given that dogs happily consume both these things?
9. You have €80 that must last you until 5 May. You need to pay the cleaner (€60), pay for school meals (€120), feed a family of 4 and organise a Pokémon birthday party for eight 7 year olds. What do you do? Show your working.
10. Is it wrong to wear a small live tortoise as a brooch? Why? Does it make a difference if the tortoise is studded with self-adhesive rhinestones?
11. Belgium. Why?
12. Use the words varkensnoet, shackass, hevigesnurken in their proper context in a single sentence.