Friday, 10 April 2009

Spa Weekend


I am going on a Spa break.


That sounds better than it should. It is a break to the town of Spa in the Ardennes, and there is a danger it will be more like a Spar break.

The good news

It is just me and the CFO. The children are staying with mamie and papie and enjoying Easter the cocotte minute way.

Spa is, indeed a spa town and features some kind of spa type thing, with hatchet faced women with hosepipes and a large open air bubbling pool of insanitariness. I love this kind of thing and ever since we met, I have been dragging the CFO to weirdly medicalised places all over France full of retired teachers in plastic sandals and robes. He goes out and does manly things with pieces of rope, and I allow myself to be hosed down with cold water, forced to walk in small circles up to my thighs in freezing cold water, and wear inflatable boots (see above).

The hotel looks blandly pleasant in a 'no need to go out and do anything, can just watch tv and read and order overpriced room service' way.

The bad news

We have to go there on le démon du midi, because the bastard weather forecast is making out it will be fine tomorrow. The CFO wishes to believe, so he can go vroom vroom. I know the truth. I remember going from London to Brighton on a motorbike and never being so cold in all my life. Yes, I am a wet and a weed. Also, qui dit motorbike, dit no baggage. No laptop. No shoes. No consolations at all.

It's just me and the CFO. What if we get distracted and forget we mustn't talk about Things? I must make a list of distracting conversational topics for quiet moments. Hopefully the fellow residents of CrazyAimAHosepipeAtMyBumSpa will provide sufficient distraction. Especially if they have interesting facial hair. I live in hope.

The worst thing ever in the world

I discover, far too late, that the Spa of Spa is part nudist.

Naked people. Naked Walloons.

Brrrr.


I will be back on Monday and I am bringing the camera, because I suspect this will need documenting. I will also post some kind of stupid easter competition in my absence. I hope the bells come for you*.

(*There is no Easter bunny in France and Belgium. "Les cloches" bring the chocolate back from Rome. Eh??? Do NOT get me started. Also, not the tooth fairy, but the tooth MOUSE.

Me: Where do the bells PUT the chocolate?

CFO: What?

Me: They don't even have any bloody arms.

CFO: Votre lapin, non plus, il n'a pas de bras. (your rabbit doesn't either)

Me: No, he has a basket. DUH.

CFO: Maybe les cloches have a basket?

Me: That's just stupid. Maybe they fly back upside down with the chocolate inside them?

CFO: No, they can't do that, because they ring at the same time.

Me: Oh for god's sake. Let's stick with the damn bunny.)



Happy Easter!

23 comments:

Z said...

I went to Spa in 1971. I didn't go to the spa, but I drank some water. It tasted of iron. It rained. It rained every day but one of that holiday and everyone said, smilingly, to me that it was English weather. I was polite when I was 17 and forbore to retort that it was bloody Belgian weather.

I hope you have an invigorating time.

M. said...

Actually, I'm pretty sure the cloches do fly upside down, filled to the brim with delicious chocolate fish. WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE FISHIES, BRITAIN?
Also, the cloches are made out of delicious cloche-like chocolate. Clocholate.

PS: I'd forgotten all about the stupid cloches until I read this post.

Tea said...

My parents thought the idea of a rabbit delivering chocolates was unsanitary, so instead of an Easter Bunny as children, we had an Easter Pig - because pigs are actually very clean animals (despite bad PR due common pork-related misconceptions).

I look forward to corrupting my own children.

Titian red said...

So hope all hoses end up in right places ! Will spa ban chocolate ? Or is that illegal in Belgium ? Good luck with everything... H

Liberty London Girl said...

Enjoy! I go to La Roche Posay which is similar, but sans nudity. I too shall be wallowing in hot springs this weekend. We can compare notes on Monday. Happy Paques! LLGxx

ps I cannot honestly imagine being without a laptop for a day let alone two. Bonne chance my love

Zed said...

This is where we go - damn sight nearer to. Is full of naked, fat Flems - so I fit right in. I just don't speak their lingo.

JPM said...

awesome. really great plan. wear a coat you can tie around your waist for that ride on the midlife crisis-mobile, and have a exfoliatingly good time.

pinklea said...

I love spa weekends - and I think it's pretty cool that yours is a true SPA weekend. The only other thing I know about Spa is the Spa-Francorchamps racetrack. I'm guessing you won't be there ...

Iheartfashion said...

Have a wonderful time and try not to talk about Things. Looking forward to a hilarious Spa post on your return.

GingerB said...

You will be in perfect location to research my query in re cold water / pert breasts / thin women. As a reward I will send Tide sticks in case you stain any of the few clothing items you are allowed to take. Upside of nudist tendencies - fewer stains on clothing altogether. If you need to stave off conversation, try asking him about his engine and zone out with a happy smile on your face as you sip your wine. Best wishes for a happy hot rocks treatment.

katyboo1 said...

I am very stupid and only ever went to a spa day once and that was at The Sancutary, which doesn't really count. So, can I ask, why does one wear inflatable boots? Is it healthful? Does it get rid of cankles? Tell me more.

M
You can get chocolate fishies at Carluccios. They've got baskets of 'em.

Red Shoes said...

Oh.

No.

This sounds like disaster on two miserable wheels. I really hope I'm wrong.

Jaywalker said...

Z - I can't say you're filling me with confidence, sweetest one. But, um, global warming might have helped?

M - I get the clocholate, I do. But then how do they RING, french girl? Hmmm? Acoustics, peeps! Sorry, I still sound like Westwood. I can get you fish. Even pink ones and orange ones. Lobsters too. (chocolate)

Tea "the easter pig"? Were your parents smoking the carpet?

Titian Red - I'm confident the spa won't be too ascetic. Belgium doesn't do deprivation.

LLG - oh, lord. I'll need it. But maybe I will come back with more inspiration?

Zed - yup, that's a hell of a vision you've given me there. I may never sleep again.

JPM - coat you say? CFO is all "oh, you can take my veste verte it won't be cold", but I know he's lying.

Pinklea - If I end up at a motor racing track, you can be confident the weekend isn't going too well.

Iheart - I will do my ABSOLUTE best.

Ginger - I will, truly I will. I will stare at breasts until I get thrown out or offered a threesome. Ok?

katyboo - they stop you having 'jambes lourdes' (heavy legs). It's a fictitious French medical condition.

Red Shoes - I am hoping for either
1. Better than we both expect; or
2. Hilariously awful.
Fingers crossed..

Nimble said...

Straightaway Google tells me that "Trop souvent négligée, la maladie des "jambes lourdes" toucherait plus de quinze millions de personnes en France." Now, can 15 million French people be imagining their heavy legs?!

Jaywalker said...

Nimble - Put it this way, do your legs ever feel outlandishly heavy? Like, medical condition heavy?

expateek said...

Are things so dire that the CFO no longer tutoyers you? Or does votre lapin mean the bunny of all you Brits? Just curious....

M. said...

They're MAGICAL bells. Similar to the ones from the Saint Glin-Glin. They are not bound by the lowly restrictions of the physical world.
I really really really want an Easter lobster. I would not eat it. I would just look at it.

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Completely Alienne said...

I spent years freezing on the back of a motorbike, but they are great fun and you aren't affected by traffic jams. The packing problem is easy - just wear everything you want to take, it will keep you warm(er) on the way.

Mum's the word said...

Many years ago in Italy, I discovered that I was on a nudist beach when, after lying in the hot sun for an hour, I opened my eyes, looked up and OMG!! there was a not-so-gorgeous man standing a bit too close.
Way too many details!
Enjoy the Spa.

Nimble said...

(I was kidding. I think jambes lourdes is a load of horse pucky too.)

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