Friday, 17 April 2009

Keyword art

Every day the keyword searches leading here cause me serious disquiet. But I am convinced they also offer fertile ground for FASCINATING CREATIVE ENDEAVOURS. Below, I have listed some of my favourite keyword searches of the last few months and I would like you to suggest what medium you think your favourite phrase below lends itself to (poetry, sculpture, cake, street theatre, vegetable, scientific experiment etc). I will select the best ones and execute them, Belgian Waffle style. Don't say video, because I don't know how. Or if you do, then you have to hold my hand throughout the entire process.

Ok? Ok! Keyword art is go*!

lizard karate on times

slime coat on sausage in fridge?

www invented french porno

lorraine kelly mid life tv crisis april 2009

nightshade beer

what are the macaroon style small round biscuits marks and spencer give with coffee and tea in its cafes?

waffle fail

woman pees on a busy tram

the history of belgium waffles

flushing toilet hong kong science museum

belgian girls 33 years old the like to have fucking where ass or ...

i like rusty spoons not on youtube

tarantula spawn

what type of owl lives in la verne

naked balgian man

japanese ladies remove armpit

ben10 toys sad zara

pictures of men swimming in water or mud wearing dirty wet shirt,tie,trousers and a opened jacket

waffles torment me in my sleep

basingstoke erotic

corsets 14yo

women in puffa jackets wallpaper

cabbage for triops

colour of tortoise faeces

Belgian pouffy

what happens if dogs eat waffles

French pole vaulter runs naked uncensored

dink toed

oliver james cortisol

dinner now fuck fuck fuck

(ps - If anyone will actually admit to being responsible for any of these searches they will get special consideration)

* Update: Vic has drawn my attention to the keyword poem she wrote, which is really beautiful. You should all go read it.


Helen Brocklebank said...

Basingtoke erotic: poem in style of John Bejamin, gently mocking provincial sexual mores.

Vic said...

Waffles torment me in my sleepplease. I like the idea of a painting, very surreal and disturbing, in the manner of Dali.

Or a television jingle.

(I used mine in a poem a couple of posts ago - it was incredibly uplifting, may I just say.)

Waffle said...

I've just read your poem Vic and I'm moved. Really moved. I have added the link to inspire people.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Mrs. T - 'Basingstoke erotic'

Although I'd like to see who you'd pull that off in cake form.

MsPrufrock said...

I was going to mention "Basingstoke erotic" as well - who knew, of that list of fascinating search terms, that so many of us would focus on the saucy underbelly of an otherwise unremarkable Hampshire town? I don't live far from Basingstoke, and now I'm wondering if I should take a day trip to seek out its red light district/massive street orgies.

Juci said...

It has to be 'waffles torment me in my sleep', preferably as a song, or failing that, as poetry. And 'dink toed' as a sculpture, because I don't even understand that one so I need some visual explanation.

Mrs Jones said...

My vote also goes for 'Waffles torment me in my sleep' but interpreted through the medium of modern dance. I'm expecting costumes...

fabhat said...

I like rusty spoons not on youtube as sculpture and what happens if dogs eat waffles as a science experiment starring the weepette surely? But otherwise the waffles in your sleep as interpretive dance would be a joy. Do you think the cfo or lashes/fingers wrote the dinner fuck, fuck. Fuck after the thierry tapeworm supper?

Pochyemu said...

"belgian girls 33 years old the like to have fucking where ass or .." POEM! In style of desperately lonely young man, seperated from lover and attempting to move on in the only way he knows how. Romeo and Juliet stylie but with MORE DRAMA! (And I was going to make a comment re how you're around 33 but it was too frightfully rude, I daren't!)

Pochyemu said...

Or, failing that, 'waffles torment me in my sleep' to the tune of 'raindrops keep falling on my head. While dancing around the room doing jazz hands. With a hat made out of a waffle. And the weepette dressed as a waffle seller. And the children doing backing vocals. And the CFO sitting in the corner of the room with his head in his hands, wondering where it all went wrong.

Jessica K said...

I am strangely fascinated by "women in puffa jackets wallpaper". Is this (another) fetish I have missed?
In the medium of cake, please. I am picturing a large woman in a puffa jacket with lots of fondant icing.

Kate said...

You do know about the video of the naked French pole vaulter, right? Where was it that I heard about guys who are really into puffy jackets? Anyway...

I like dinner now fuck fuck fuck because that's what I say every day when it's time to feed the child. And I never learn and think ahead. I also like waffles torment me in my sleep, but I do think video would be the best way to portray that, although stop-motion could work using the toys. Maybe the king could be involved.

Lucy Fishwife said...

How did you get hold of my old TLS Lonelyhearts ad??????????

Theo said...

"Basingstoke erotic" expressed through the medium of tortoise based diorama please!

Vic said...

Thank you! - for the comment about the poem and the link. (I honestly wasn't hinting for it, but I love it all the same.)

Waffles! Waffles!

Sinda said...

1. daily photos posted of slimy sausages, a la Mrs. kennedy's hair posts - imperceptibly more slime each day

2. woman pees on busy tram - obvious. Maybe while being chatted up? Hm, no video, you can just recount afterwards.

3. pictures of men swimming in water or mud wearing dirty wet shirt,tie,trousers and a opened jacket - I quite like this one. Perhaps you could start a Flickr group?

4. Waffles torment me in my sleep = haiku, surely?


Persephone said...

See, I would love to see japanese ladies remove armpit as an interpretive dance, but I can't manage the video aspect either. Failing that I think we definitely have the makings of a haiku. Nine of the 17 required syllables are already there, after all. Or how about a delicate water-colour on bamboo?

Mrs Jones said...

Never mind the haiku - here's footage of dogs from the 1930s wearing clothes!!

Cassandra said...

Dinner now fuck fuck fuck, in madrigal form, performed by male counter tenors in drag (housewife style, much like Queen in I Want to Break Free video)

Persephone said...

Forget the interpretative dance/haiku/water-colour-on-bamboo depiction of the armpitless Japanese ladies....

I second Cassandra's!

Word verification is "admogic" which is the word I'd use to describe a madrigal on the f-word about dinner, sung by heavy-metal-rock-gods/eunuchs in drag. Bring it on! (♪God knows♫...)

kelly said...

"Woman Pees on Busy Tram" already sounds like a bit of installation art, and so simple to achieve?

I have been reading your blog having found it through Grit's, and I have to say it is a highly worthwhile read, and the laughing out loud has really pissed my husband off, so double bonus!!

Keep up the good work.

clare said...

Have been away and always fear have missed out on pressing matters of national importance - which explains why am SO very tempted to Google 'Lorraine Kelly Midlife Crisis april 2009. Tragic, I know.

Keith (kcm) said...

I'm with @kellyi on "woman pees on a busy tram"; this has to be street installation art and given your depilous disability would surely qualify for an Arts Council grant.

I too like "japanese ladies rmove armpit" which I feel should be a large piece of abstract art; a sort of Guernica as created by Kandinsky.

Grit said...

i like rusty spoons not on youtube.

there is something sad and elegiac about this, do you not think? it speaks of solitude and mourning. a haunting poem of the cutlery tray, perhaps.

kathycastro said...

Dinner now fuck fuck fuck as a madrigal is the best idea ever. Totally gets my vote.

To be fair, I think you should have do all the ones where we can easily see how the search returned your blog. I was slightly concerned that I could recall the combination of posts that would fulfill the search requirements for a fair number of them (japanese armpits not being one).

WV is skanc. Surely shouldn't read anything into that? SURELY?!?

GingerB said...

Waffles torment me in my sleep in poetry - I can't stop writing poems after you linked to Schmutzie's William Carlos Williams nonsense - this is all your damn fault. Especially the one about the poopy diaper.

wv: dulime - the number of limes for two gin and tonics on the porch in spring

Elsie said...

"woman pees on a busy tram" is my pick - from a previous list, I might have chosen "hot tortoise sex," a phrase I thought I muttered under my breath in re Saturday night customs but which my husband heard and now thinks was a promise of untold, unknown, unmentionable delight for THIS saturday night. OMG as my children would text...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

"Woman Pees on a Busy Tram" would make a great interpretive dance. But you don't video, so...flipbook?

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