Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Cake Disasterclass Part II

We're back for part two of your unmissable Cake Disasterclass (thank you Mrs C). If you're late to class, I recommend you take a moment to familiarise yourself with the techniques explored in Part I, or you'll be entirely lost in a sea of mustard coloured buttercream. This is fairly advanced stuff.

Sadly, the latter half of the class will be marred by the absence of disaster. This is a very rare occurrence, but the law of averages dictates that every now and then things will go more or less to plan. Do not despair if this happens, there is always some way of fucking things up at the last minute.

Here, however, we can see that the jelly has set, the icing has stayed on the cake, and the plastic tigers specially purchased are totally salvageable after a quick wipe. Everything is good.

We have cake.

Let's just remind ourselves shall we?

We are cake ninjas. Yes, we are.

I say 'we' because now my glamorous assistants are here, things have been getting REALLY fun.

Early in proceedings, my glamorous assistants note the presence of bootlace sweeties. And blue jelly. We hash out a deal which can be summarised thus: 50:50:fuck off maman.

They hold out for tiger wee. I suggest glitter. They suggest wee. I offer more confectionery. They disappear to practise their industrial whining.

I contemplate my handiwork, and the words of Layla and FabHat come to mind. Tiger food, a zoo keeper. Hmm.

It's Easter soon. Tigers love easter.

All the bones I have are too large. I try a dinosaur ribcage, but it just looks greedy.

A prudent zookeeper would wear protection, right?

This one is visiting from Castle Blowhard; he thinks the tigers should watch a great webinar he's been preparing. It's time to go open kimono (you have to follow the link, otherwise this is just meaningless).

That's a little better. But, tigers? Meh. Big mangy moggies. Such a downer. Can't we do a bit better than tigers?

Hmm. Say, a Komodo dragon?

No! I have it! DINOSAURS.

And of course, once you start, it's very difficult to stop.

(the red bootlaces represent blood, for the more literal members of the disasterclass)

And there we have it. A beautiful, simple birthday surprise for a very lucky little girl.

Gelukkige verjaardag Laure!

Team Buttercream will be taking questions in the comments box if you're struggling with any tricky dinosaur placement issues, or if you need some further pointers.


Jen said...

You absolutely and totally rock.

Persephone said...

I take it back. This is so much better than Lice Cake. You are a gateau-genius.

Red Shoes said...

You made me snorf my coffee! Ow! Or in WV terms, OPHALA!

Best. Cake. Ever. Wowowowowow.

expateek said...

This is the stuff that dreams are made of. The tiger scat is particularly realistic. Perhaps you've holidayed in South Africa recently?

fabhat said...

Oh you made me do my evil laugh at that one. Fantastic - and such a versatile cake - who would have thought it from the picture in AWW? Hurrah!

Artichoke Queen said...

Particularly like how Lashes has gone for the blood straightaway.

Marie said...

The dinosaurs are purest genius. Hurrah for things going very occasionally right! The blue jelly still gives me the willies though.

The Real Domestic Goddess said...

From one Domestic Goddess to another, absolutely loving the fact that Kimono dragons also love Easter. Follow me and you'll see how similar our lives actually are!

Liberty London Girl said...

Cake carnage is INSANE GENIUS. I would of course be happier if I hadn't just snorted coffee over my keyboard. There are two HAWT Frenchmen in my, um, hotel, watching me with utter horror. Thank you Emma. Only ten minutes earlier we were swapping coy looks. Cake has killed the moment, (which is not a phrase I have reason to use that often) LLGxx

carolinefo said...

Excellent work, Emma.

Straight alpha.

Now please get on with writing the Belgian surrealist erotica...

Helen Brocklebank said...

Blimey ! It's all bloody brilliant. Do you do mail order?

Mya said...

I'm not sure I'd have the guts to try a slice, unless the dino poo is chocolate...and then I might hazard a nibble. Clearly, you have the Martha/Delia/Nigella/Fanny gene... Bravo!

Mya x

katyboo1 said...

This is excellent.
I refuse to show my son this picture on the grounds that he will want one too. I cannot possibly rise to the occasion and I cannot afford your ticket here to make one.

Mum's the word said...

That cake was absolutely brilliant.
You completely outclass my cake-making ability.
And you're hilarious to boot.
Well done!!

The Spicers said...

This tops the 3 foot long Leaning Eiffel Tower cake I once made for my daughter's birthday.

Dave said...

It's a thing of beauty. The chick seems remarkably unphased. Tum tee tum. I'm just having a wash in the pond. What's that over there? Hmmm??? Oh.. oh oh... is that... is that a DINOSAUR???? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Beauty, I tell you.

Formerly known as Frau said...

Awesome cake! Alot of work though I hope it taste good!

Mr Farty said...

Caketastic! Especially love the half-eaten, er, zookeeper.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Worthier than Nigella! JW, the skilled Gateau-Ateer and Dinosaur-Hunter!

justme said...

Suggest that mail order cake business via internets may well be more viable than CFO might think??

Roshni said...

Hilarious!! I'm sure she'll be very *surprised* with the result!! I also see that you are heavily influenced by your boys!!
Really enjoyed that after reading thru my own depressing post!!

Elsie said...

Amy Sedaris' FAKE styrofoam cakes are on sale for $100 a piece - and totally lack tiger or dino scat - belgian baking could be very profitable...

Tea said...

You know, I was just thinking "we need a big, spectacular cake for my dad's birthday on the weekend." He's going to be 60. He deserves some dinosaurs.

I am STEALING this idea!

JustaRabbit said...

Can't help but notice (in a good way, I think), that rather than fencing in the tigers/dinosaurs/general mayhem, as the AWW ladies do, instead you've dropped the height of the fence, allowing the tigers to escape, potentially to eat children who've requested said cake.

Much scarier cake now, I reckon.

Waffle said...

Today I go abackwards like.

Justarabbit - why indeed, well spotted, this was in fact the CFO's very first fucking annoying, sorry, perceptive comment. Let the tigers loose!

Tea - oh, do, do!Lots of blood. It's a big birthday.

Elsie - you know i am just waiting, begging for some perceptive publisher to see the total gold potential of belgian baking. It's been a while but I remain hopeful.

Roshni - I am. And even more influenced by Dave and Steve.

justme - you think? Could you cobble me together a spreadsheet?

Woman - why thank you.

Mr Farty - yes! Such a long stick.

Frau - goodness, I doubt it. But thankfully I will not be eating it.

Dave - that is the beauty of the teeny weeny chick brain. Little scope for surprise. Very binary: alive, dead.

Iheart - now that's spooky because the CFO was encouraging Lashes to ask for an Eiffel Tower. Bastard.

Mum's the word - hmm. You wouldn't want to eat it though, would you?

katyboo - is piece of piss, AWW styley. Cake. Add dinosaurs. Happy Oscar.

Mya - probably best not, even if poo is chocolate raisins. Wise woman.

Mrs Trefusis - Just as soon as I conquer the post office fear..

Layla - why thank you Empress. The erotica is going to be difficult. But I will see what I can do.

LLG - shit, sorry! Killing your romantic opportunities one fugly cake at a time, that's Belgian Waffle.

RDG - Komodo! Not Kimono! Get with the reptile programme, goddess.

Marie - it tasted like crap too, since made with lemon flavoured sports drink made of steroids and wee.

Artichoke Q - he is a sensitive little soul, bless his axe wielding fingers.

fabhat - those AWW ninjas have hidden depths, I find.

Expateek - sadly not. But apparently the good ladies of AWW have. Just goes to show cake CAN be lucrative.

Red Shoes - Your scary pug is already forming in my head (weird sentence of evening prize there)

Persephone - no, I LOVED lice. More this summer, I hope?

Half-baked - I do, don't I? Thank you. Be thankful you don't have to see it in real life. Off to scrub butter icing out of my ears now.

Ali said...

Well done. For what it's worth, based on the blue brain etc I think your bakery could be just the thing in Belgium if you churn out this sort of quality!

Mari said...

omg, I love the rivulets of blood. That is hysterical. I want one.

Waffle said...

Ali - I am not sure even Belgium could cope. They must have some rudimentary health and safety regulations I would be breaching.

Mari - I am happy. All cakes should feature rivers of confectionery blood, I feel.

JChevais said...

Excuse me as I pick myself up off the floor from laughing. Also? My colleagues are looking at me funny as I snort.

This is epic.

"Cake Rex" !!!

Bwa ha ha.

Laura Jane said...

It is an Utter Triumph. Nothing short.

And AWW ckae-books totally ruled our world when the kidlets were little. They would read them avidly for m,onths prior, changing their mind every month or so.

I must dig up all the photos of 'cakes-wot-I-have-done-made'. It could make an amusing post.

You see, there is NOTHING original in the bologosphere, dear JW.

BTW - Do I rate a mention on your blogroll yet? Just wondering...

Laura Jane said...

Edited to say, there is nothing original in the blogosphere EXCEPT for my spelling (I blame it on lack of sugar)

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