Friday, 24 April 2009

The Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional: April Edition

As advertised, the Belgian Waffle confessional is open again, the Holy Tortoise TM has been dusted off and the forgiveness of, and hideous penance to be imposed on, sinners is foremost in my mind. I am quite prepared to deal with your sins, internet. I can be as judgmental as you like. I have barely left the house for three days in what will doubtless turn out to have been the entirety of the Belgian summer, instead, spending my time crouched, crochety and aching, over my laptop making precious little progress on anything other than watching capybara videos. I am ready to share the pain.

As for my own sins, well. I am finding this a little trickier this month. Not because I am been good, and not, I hasten to add because I have been dramatically or excitingly bad. I think my sins are a little cerebral at the moment. The catholics doubtless have a word for this. Stuff you think about doing but don't. [Catholics: supply word here]. Pff. I will try anyway. Here goes:

Bless me internet for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last confession, though I have alluded to most of my sins in recent posts anyway.

1. Whilst I still like the weepette very very much, and find him a delightfully restful companion, unlike my other housemates, I hate walking him. I did not expect this. I thought that walking around with an elegant dog trotting along beside me would be one of the greatest pleasures of dog ownership. It isn't. I am simply too lazy and hate the outdoors and the weepette still pulls at my arm the whole time despite all your excellent advice. The only bit of the outside I do like is shops, and he is not allowed in any of the good ones. So: dog ownership fail. The only time I like walking the dog is related to sin 3.

2. I have on several occasions deliberately rounded up/bribed and bullied dog and children to the park this week in the hope of seeing the beautiful Mexican boy again. Without success. Is this punishment enough for me? No, I didn't think so. Can we move on? This one makes me feel uncomfortable.

3. I have forgotten to close the stair gate on more occasions than you can imagine this week, leading to weepette deposits on the upper floors. I have concealed the evidence of weepette accidents, in one case with an artfully displayed pair of dirty socks, safe in the knowledge that the CFO is VERY unlikely to pick up his dirty socks and see the evidence of WEEPETTE CRIME and OWNER INCOMPETENCE. When he does,I feign compete bewilderment. "When can that have happened? It must have been when Fatima was here".

4. Every day for lunch I have two crème caramels and a handful of biscuits. Sometimes I have a handful of dry cornflakes for the vitamins. I have the dietary habits of a particularly stupid student. This is hardly confession-worthy, but then I have the gall to get upset when I see a photo of myself looking like a jaundiced mole rat with bad skin.

5. Since February I have been living in a dreamlike state of confusion and denial about THINGS (you know, Things). I still have no idea what is going on with the CFO and I. Clearly, what has been said cannot be unsaid, but that is exactly what we seem to be doing - pretending all that soul-searching and misery of February never happened. This is going to be on the list every month for the next 50 years, I think. I want someone to decide for me. Pah.

6. Oh, a couple more little ones that I have just remembered. 3 months and still no contraception sorted out because I am an administrative idiot and a medical coward. Also, if you are owed a parcel from me, I am really sorry but I still haven't faced the unspeakable evil that is the post office.


Ok, darlings. Your turn. Penance, confession, whatever your dark little haggis hearts desire.

64 comments:

Kate said...

I suspected there wasn't a bag in the diaper bin and I put 2 poopy pull-ups in there anyway, which meant that the poop fell out and F had to clean it up. I smiled while he had to pick up poo.

Most of my other sins are about how I'm such a rotten mother. Things I can't even bear to think, no less, say.

I eat terribly. I had ice cream for lunch yesterday. And then a cupcake for a snack. And I'm sick of arguing about food with my daughter so I let her eat whatever. Luckily she's most interested in fruit and red peppers.

Fabhat said...

I spend all my time on twitter/blogs instead of doing the paperwork I need to and Organising myself.
I have evil plans to buy some beautiful drinking glasses I don't need, but really want and can't really afford and sneak them into the flat even though Dan has forbidden me from buying more glasses until I get rid of some.

Artichoke Queen said...

We Catholics call those sorts of things "impure thoughts." They are a staple of Catholic living. Embrace them.

I have been quite good this month, especially compared to last month's confessions, so I have only impure thoughts to offer, mainly this:

I hate my boss. Like, really hate. Like if he were in front of me right now, and somebody handed me a red hot poker, and said there would be no consequences for doing anything I liked with it, I would gouge out his eyes. With glee on my face. That kind of hate. I hate him because he is a small-minded, self-absorbed, petty, immature, manipulative asshole, but the irony is those who don't know him well all think he's lovely. So I'm just a bitch. But oh well, I just continue on with my hate for three more days and then I'm done with him forever. Yay!

Persephone said...

Younger daughter has declared that she does not wish to go on the traditional Grade Six 3-days-and-2-nights field trip to the Space Camp in Montréal. And I am relieved. I didn't want to go to &*$#@-ing Space Camp. In fact, I wish she'd take it one step further and get suddenly and violently ill next Wednesday so I don't have to go to the *&#@$-ing Regional Historical Fair all bloody day at the Museum of Civilization. I've been on something like 15 field trips (one third of them all-day numbers) in the past 4 years alone. I'm tired of running interference for my daughter, of trying to ensure that she is involved in some way, tired of trying to get her teachers to give me details so I can prepare her, sick and bloody tired of her affluent, yappy, self-absorbed classmates, and their smug and oblivious parents.

Bless me, internet; wash away my bitterness and bitchiness.

Word verification is "alinatio" which pretty well sums it up.

Jessica K said...

We had one of those huge fights about THINGS last night and I should be more concerned but I am just too worn out too care anymore.
Is that a sin of ommission or commission?
As my birthday approaches, I am hoarding lots of lovely stuff - although I am old my parents give me $ to buy things for myself, birthday and christmas. I dream of these pretty clothes like a lover and it gets me through the day and night better than smack.
I did buy that coat, btw, I had to because you told me too. I told the girl in the shop that.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

I have resorted to spending vast amounts of money I don't have on botox to cover the worry lines. I blame Mrs Trefusis.

redfox said...

I confess that I am very likely about to give my students good final grades for shit work, and that I failed to get them to be able to tell the difference between good and shit over the course of the semester, because I am weak.

I confess that I am feeling very whiny about having to host a big department party tonight, even though the only reason I have to host it myself is that my good friend who was the original host has had to leave town unexpectedly because her beloved father just died.

I have also completely failed to provide for anything exciting or indeed particularly fun for my husband's birthday on Monday. Instead we will have a grand total of two people come to our house and eat cheese. Sorry, baby.

SUEB0B said...

My house is filthy. I dumped a whole carafe of coffee on the kitchen floor on Tuesday and just sort of swished it around with a mop. Then that night I opened an explosive bottle of tonic water and the floor got sticky. It is still sticky.

Elsie said...

I confess that I managed to implant idea in spouse’s brain that our house may be haunted by a poltergeist who hides documents, moves power tools & squeezes out hair gel. Spouse very suggestible, due to much church-going and also watching the Exorcist once when young. Last night I saw him sprinkling salt behind his recliner.

sue said...

Bless me HT (tm) for I have sinned. It has been approximately 1 month since my last confession and these are my sins:

I failed miserably to go to the post office and sent neither apologies nor excuses. I have rectified matters, but still, there's no excuse for that sort of thing.

I sold some of the husband's much loved horrible furniture very cheaply to someone at work, on a whim, but I haven't told him yet. Oh I will be struck down from the altar with hot pokers for that. I still harbour impure thoughts about a fountain pen break in.

The child is going to Cumbria with school for 3 days and I am dreading it. Dreading the weather breaking and his little legs not being able to take the walking and the drudgery. And I'm dreading the food they will offer him because I was a weak mother and pander to his picky eating habits and he will not tolerate any type of wet food including cereal and butterless toast. I am afraid the other kids will mock him and I am afraid the teachers will try to kill him because he is insufferable when he is hungry and he will go without rather than suck it up and eat. I am afraid that he is bigging up this trip too much and he will come back clinically depressed because the whole thing was a nightmare. He is 10.

I too have been a slacker at work and will never get E of the M for the same reason, I couldn't give a shit either. Sorry.

The house is a perpetual shit tip. I cannot be arsed.

AQ is either my doppleganger or we work for the same asshole. I sold my soul when I took this job, I regret it every day because I do believe my boss needs lithium or something to keep his psychoses in check and I would take the greatest pleasure in permanently blinding him. I hate him.

I will stop now because other people need a turn and this is a confession, not a competition.

PS: wv is abili which is what the dyslexic copper will want when he comes banging on my door asking me questions about my newly blinded boss.

screamish said...

ha! you guys are wieeerd. I'd NEVER do any of this stuff.

screamish said...

ahem

Bee said...

I spent most of yesterday reading (instead of attending to business, phone calls, and emails) -- and I ate some of my daughter's secret stash of M&M's.

I have lurked many times -- without telling you how much I've enjoyed what I read here. I live in the midst of English people; so why do none of them have your irreverence, wit and snarkiness?

I was visiting Nimble Pundit (an old friend from college) and she wrote: "I am languishing for a new Belgian Waffle post." Isn't that wonderful?

Gabriella said...

I found the full text of Little Dorrit on-line and have been reading that in my "spare time" at work instead of being a busy little bee.

Jaywalker said...

Good good; there is plenty of material here. I am imbibing the official beverage of confession, cheap vodka with grenadine, in preparation for some really searing penance. Continue. The employer blinding is a nice touch ladies.

Jaywalker said...

Also, Elsie. I am honking like a pissed off capybara at that. GENIUS. Evil, perfect genius.

sue said...

Sorry JW - me again. Is it acceptable to have a conversation with AQ on your comments? Sorry if it isn't.

AQ - we seem to have both been raised Catholics and have used red hot pokers in our comments.

Did your grandmother tell you that you would be scourged/struck from the alter with hot pokers for doing something wrong? Or perhaps tell you that your hand would be sticking up in the grave if you told lies?

Or tell you you couldn't wash your hair when you had your period?

If the answer is yes, there is every possibility that we are related.

If the answer is no, sorry, carry on, I won't trouble you again.

Sorry. Thanks.

Artichoke Queen said...

Hi Sue,

I was taught, all throughout (Catholic) school that red hot pokers were the punishment for many a sin. I don't have a specific memory of my Grandmother saying this, however. She was plenty judgmental, but more of the "what would the neighbours think?" variety.

My other grandmother taught us that if we lied our hair would stand up at the back. This resulted in one of my brothers always holding his hair down as he lied. Genius.

JW knows how to reach me if you really think we might be related! How fun.

sue said...

AQ - ah thank you, shattered dreams of finding a long lost relly. Glad I'm not the only one with the red hot poker thing. Nana the Catholic was very Catholic and very Irish and really gave a shit about what people thought too. I loved her to bits regardless. I was educated by a series of nuns from the age of 12 to 17, it was quite something. The hair thing is inspired, your other gran was an absolute genius.

Layla said...

Bless me, Holy Tortoise, for I have sinned.

Every time I visit my mother, or vice versa (which doesn’t happen v.often as she lives in Spain and I live in Turkey) my little sister has a major medical, marital, financial or psychological crisis which ensures that my mother spends a large part of our time together on the phone to little sister helping to deal with said crisis. Every frigging time. This year, she has really outdone herself: the night before my mother was due to fly to Turkey to visit me, L’il Sis fell downstairs, and was hospitalised with a wrist fractured in 4 places, 3 cracked vertebrae, one in her neck, and a cracked rib. She has already caused so much trouble in the hospital that she has been given a private room, despite it being NHS. She has been having hysterical scenes in the hospital and over the phone, screaming that she must go home, despite the fact that she is quite badly injured, and it is not feasible yet.

I know she doesn’t consciously set out to do this, and that she is injured and in pain, but I am ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS with her for creating yet another drama during the one solitary week I am spending with my mother. I am guilty of the sin of Serious Compassion Fatigue…… it sounds so mean, but you have no idea just how many times she has done this….

Lennel said...

I have: sworn blue murder at my four year old twins to try and force them to school on their scooters on time, to the point where they plead with me not to eff and blind.
I have: failed to remember that they were supposed to be doing a sponsored drawing session for charity, faked all of their entries, faked the names of their supposed sponsors and rushed the money in late claiming that some of the sponsors were not in when I called to collect. This was for a children's hospice, for goodness' sake.
I have: pretended to my husband that I was on the way to bed uncommonly early, more than once, in the hope that he would go back to work in his studio; having succeeded in my mission, I have then snuck back in front of the television to watch some crap in the joyful knowledge that he won't interrupt me.
I have: several times pretended the mobile reception was breaking up to get out of perfectly pleasant phone calls.
I have: then rung the caller back and deviously pretended that the line is still too faint to hear them and that I realise we may have to communicate in future some other way. When there is patently no other way.
I have: pretended to the Inland Revenue that I had already sent my cheque paying a fine for not filing a tax return and given them such a sob story about the difficulty of getting to the post office owing to having such sick children that they let me off the fine altogether.
I have: eaten not just a few of the children's sweets but both of the Easter eggs they were given but which I hid in case they ate them and wouldn't then sleep at night for the caffeine.
I have...oh, heavens, I haven't had a blameless day all year.
Could someone please say something very condemnatory about all this so that I can feel properly ashamed?
The only good thing I have done of late is what I am about to do, which is to say how enormously I enjoy Emma's blog.

Top Bird @ Wee Birdy said...

ohhh creme caramels. I recently discovered the stand at Borough Market and managed to convince myself they were an acceptable purchase because the little glass pots could double as natty vases back home.

That is also a sinfully long sentence. xx

Jaywalker said...

But such a teeny tiny sin, Birdy! More. There MUST be more badness.

The rest of you, as you were. You are extremely bad. (Lennel, there there let it all out. You are among friends. Judgmental friends with shells in the Holy Tortoise TM's case) and I am assessing the damage and your potential for salvation.

Iheartfashion said...

I have failed to return phone calls from people I genuinely like, and not-written several thank you notes for gifts so that it is too late now.
I also applied for, interviewed and accepted a job, then failed to show up or respond by email. Will forever avoid that area of town in fear of running into almost-employer.

Jaywalker said...

I heart! LOVE the job confession. The CFO did the same once (not so long ago either) so you are in good company.

Titian red said...

Milliner to HT craves absolution for sins

Sadly nothing of any moment to crave absolution for this month... not a life of blameless rectitude, just nothing worth reporting.
Lied Yes
Blasphemed Yes
Murdered No (but fantasised about it)
Disrespect to parents Yes (forgot mothers birthday)
Adulterousness No
Stolen - "Rehomed" a lot of Easter chocolate
But I haven't coveted my neighbours donkey - not once

(Very) Lost in France said...

Bless me too, HT for I have continued to sin.

I have still not sorted out the paperwork for the new cheaper mortgage meaning that we will most likely be bankrupt a few months sooner than planned.

I have blogged on the quiet while the CH has painted the entire lounge, thinking that I was doing the ironing. HA! As if!

I have still not faced up to my morbid fear of ironing such that no-one has had any ironed clothes for the entire school holidays.

I have spent more hours on Facebook that interacting with my darling children who I love to pieces, especially when they are not here

I have hacked my beautiful daughter's MSN account in order to threaten the nasty, ugly mean-spirited little bitch who's been bullying her for the past 5 months and thoroughly enjoyed her discomfort when she found she was talking to Maman and not DD

I bought a large bar of Dairy Milk and hid it so I could eat the whole lot myself

I have still, 2 years later, not fessed up to running over DD's pet kitty on the way to school.

But worst of all.... I have watched all 3 episodes of Nouvelle Star. There is surely no penance for that!!

My word verification is Photions. I need lots and lots of them to remain sane!

Jessica K said...

I am in envy of these sins. I am not worthy. This is having the opposite effect of a regular confessional as now I want to go forth and sin more creatively.

Jaywalker said...

VLiF - your penance, quickly: André, Sinclair or Philippe Manoeuvre????

Anonymous said...

Oh you just KNOW we all scrolled quickly through that list in hopes of finding #3. Or was that just me?

Hmm, my sins haven't changed all that much, except with the addition of more wine.

Z said...

I appreciate that my confession will be considered by many as normal behaviour and that it might be wondered what I have to feel guilty about, but there it is. I should explain that I spent a year on a firm and successful diet, the purpose of which was to make my arthritic hip hurt less and deteriorate slower, and how I look has nothing to do with it.

However, having bought a skirt the other day which fits but leaves no room for levity, I decided that a week of strictness would be no bad thing before I wore it out. Evidently, I doubted myself, for I then ordered a pair of magic knickers online, so that if I didn't diet after all, I'd still get away with it.

I don't do this sort of thing. I am too old and too sensible and I don't make excuses for myself, but I did it anyway. This is my first confession.

Yesterday, they arrived. In hiding them, I was so successful that I couldn't find them again. However, they turned up after some anxious searching, and I've put them on. They are unexpectedly comfortable. I now realise that I will wear them every day on holiday, and since I only have the one pair and am sharing a room so I can't wash and dry the Pants of Shame overnight, I will have to wear them for a whole week without washing them. This is my second confession.

Having tried them on and found they work, I came downstairs and ate a bar of chocolate. For a year and a half, the only chocolate I have eaten has been in single squares of very expensive top quality, because I believe most sincerely that it's good for me and not addictive at all, unlike the cheap sugar-filled stuff. But the latter is the type I have just eaten. This is my third confession.

I don't care. This is the fourth confession.

In all other respects, I have been a model of probity. This is my fifth confession.

monk said...

There was a incredibly whiny little girl at the station, driving everyone crazy. When her mum wasn't looking, I stared at her with such a mean glare until she cracked (and 3-year-old girls have a good line in nasty looks themselves). She cried, told her mother the lady was being nasty, I looked suitably outraged, mother shouted at daughter, I looked virtuous. And I did it again the next week (different girl. I am crushing the spirit of the youth bruxellois, one child at a time)

Despite working minimal days this month have not claimed health insurance or done taxes, or bought sister's bday present, instead complained incessantly about how miserable I am, yet done nothing to change situation. I bore myself.

MsPrufrock said...

I think I might be a sociopath, as I can't think of many things I've done recently which warrant a confession. I'm quite sure I'm not free of bad behaviours, so perhaps I don't even acknowledge them anymore.

Actually, I've just thought of one and it's dreadful. My husband had a hip replacement last month, and I was fine looking after him and the toddler for awhile. Now, the amount of work involved is starting to piss me off. He has in his head that he can't sit in a non-elevated chair or put his own shoes and socks on without assistance. It's possible that he can't, but he doesn't even TRY. I sometimes want to bash him over the head with his trainers.

I feel guilty, so maybe I'm not a sociopath after all. Phew. Lucky escape.

Vanessa said...

VERY WELL.

Holy Tort,

I encourage the dog to chase the terrified cat around the apartment, as it wears out the dog and he won't come breathing on me (very warm here already) to go for a walk.

I quit my job but have not returned the keys. I can't face them nor face having to organize my life and feelings into some semblance of a coherent narrative to answer their probing, fake-supportive questions. Also, I never did tell my husband about that. He knows, obviously, but we are Not Talking About It.

I bought a vintage pale pink velvet chair yesterday just as a shop was closing. No reason, really! I noticed the "no returns" sign on the way out and wouldn't you know it but the thing looks sickening in my house. We are also not talking about that. It's quickly become an expensive cat bed in the corner of our bedroom.

I am turning myself, through sloth and gluttony, into a Type 2 diabetic and all I want to do is eat vats of ice cream and hide under my deflated, dog-bitten duvet. I'm eating to the dietary plan I was assigned, but I go into an animal rage every time I contemplate going into a shop, and not being able to have anything I want. Nathandammit.

I watch television every night of the week! I never cared before, thought it stupid, couldn't stand the commercials. Now I enjoy feeling like I have important business to attend to each night during prime time, and am deeply irritated when anyone suggests I do anything else during that period.

Can a tortoise aim and pull a trigger? Put me out of my misery!

Anonymous said...

Holy tortoise I have sinned, and I don't deserve forgiveness, because I am a shitty person.

I don't like my dog anymore. She is nearly 12 years old and deserves a nice life, and I just don't give a shit anymore, now that I have kids. I used to love her to distraction, I walked her all the time, she slept on my bed, got everything she wanted. I got a husband, then a baby, and she became somewhat neurotic. Baby number two came and she lost her fucking mind and I CANNOT be bothered to care. I hate her smell, I hate her panting on my leg, I hate how she trips me all the time in her quest to be as close as possible to me, I hate how she is nearly deaf. I used to love her, and she knows. I am unworthy and no one should trust me. How can I be so unfeeling? Will I drop everyone I love as they become less appealing with age - as I myself do daily??? Arrgghhh. I hate me.

wv: plopoli

Laura Jane said...

Oh Holy Tortoise (TM) I am a wanton sinner.

I spend way too much time daily reading about the lives of others and neglecting my own...including vast piles of Stuff that threaten to fall over the top of me where I currently sit. Sigh.

Its after 3pm here and I am unwashed and still in my sweaty leggins after a pitiful gym session where I broke a sweat, but only cos my feet hurt after standing up and pretending to ski so long...

I promised a de-stash draw on my blog and I CBA. It was meant to motivate me, but I Can't Be Arsed...

So instead I am about to have tradesmen wandering through my detritus for the next 3 weeks thinking Derogatory Thoughts about me and I am unrepentant.

Also...I ate the whole thing...don't ask...

Re: Monk and intimidating obnoxious children - I Thoroughly Approve. Keep cultivating this surreptitious skill.

Don't even BOTHER to absolve me HT, cos I aint interested! You can stick your absolution up yer shell!

Laura Jane said...

P.S. Re the liking/semmi-liking of the Weepette.

Its. A. Dog.

I rest my case.

kcm said...

Verily Mme JW thou hast sinned in great wickedness, as do all HT’s people. Thou shalt injy and contriteness do great penance for yourself and for the saving of all souls.
On the first day of this coming week thou shalt telephone and make appointment with the Doctor of Death to arrange contraception. For shouldst thou inflict further small JWs upon the gentiles thy penance shalt be truly hideous. And shouldst small JWs be the result of cavorting with Mexican boy there shall be no penance but immediate enrolment for banishment to innermost circles of Hell.
In aid of avoiding said Mexican boy thou shalt within the space of the next seven days spend at least one evening in meaningful discussion with the beloved CFO about resolution of THINGS. Shouldst thou fail at this the greater penance shall be attendance upon the marriage counsellors of greatest tedium and discomforture.
From today and henceforth for evermore thou shalt daily eat proper lunch, which shalt be at least a nourishing and vitaminaceous salad sandwich, but may of course be a full three-course repast (shouldst the boss or the CFO provide funds). Penance for failure at such shalt be further attendance upon said Doctor of Death to seek treatment for return of the plague and of eating disorder.
Finally thou shalt be more diligent in walking the weepette every day even unto the parc du caca. As thou requirest said weepette so shalt thou full properly husband same. Upon one such walking event within the next seven days thou shalt wear the red dress of sexual attractiveness, but shouldst the opportunity present thou shalt not engage in conversation with said Mexican boy; for such shall be his penance also. Backsliding exercise, and caca, for said weepette shalt bring from HT above further penance in attendance at degrading dog-owner training classes which is unfair penance for said weepette.
For non-diligence with work surely thou art summarily absolved for we are all guilty of such trivial sins.
Mme JW pick up thy bed and walk upon the murky water of life once more, and verily thou shalt enjoy same; elsewise prepare to descend unto the innermost circles of hell-fire.
Go thou in peace with the love and grace of HT. Amen.

WV is "moncybet"; the mind doth boggle.

Artichoke Queen said...

WOW! KCM is way harsher than the Pope. Or the Holy T. Crikey.

Pochyemu said...

Ok, another month, another set of black marks upon my dirty soul.

1. I HAVE FINISHED MY DISSERTATION! This is not a confession, but it's the only thing on my mind at this exact moment.

2. The dog suffers the worst of us during exam season. He's barely seen sunlight in days, but I can't help getting annoyed and shouting at him when he's clingy and hyper when I get home. I MAY HAVE given him a smack on the nose when he accidentally put a hole in my favourite top when jumping all over me. He pawed his nose and cried because I smacked harder than I meant to, and it broke my cold, stoney heart when he forgave me 2 seconds later and wanted to be my friend again, but I couldn't bring myself to apologise.

3. The house is disgusting. ALL YA'LL who think your house is like ew, the worst house EVER, totally haven't seen my house. It is the worst. It wins. I would take pictures for proof but I'm afraid the landlord would see and the house would be cordoned, condemned, and burnt, to try and get rid of the disease and pestulence. And then we'd be homeless and I'm just too selfish for that.

4. I spend 99.99% of my day in the library at the moment and there is this GUY. I can't get over this GUY and somehow we always end up sitting across from each other. If I tell my husband I may not be able to resist seducing this GUY, and then do, that's not cheating because I've warned him in advance...right?

5. I covet a beautiful Mulberry handbag and I am trying how to figure out how to buy it for myself after graduation. It is £500, the most beautiful, PERFECT, handbag for me ever, timeless, classic, and who CARES that I can't afford groceries, it's ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT and it deserves my money way more than the landlord. Or the gas company. Or...

6. I had a sexy dream about my BIL. I believe it's ONLY BECAUSE a woman at the grocery store saw us having a row last night, thought we were marriedand made a comment about how he was going to be kipping on the sofa that night. We then we worked on my dissertation till 1 and he was literally the last person I saw before going to bed and so the dream just happened. Can't decide whether to tell him because it's funny, or keep it to myself and feel dirty because then it's a secret. Anyway. Two of my 6 confessions are about adultery so EAT THAT, Catholics.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Before I even START I should point out that the word verification thingy is "EXOMESSI" which has to be SOME kind of confessional/Catholic thing, doesn't it?
I wish to confess that, having been on th IK diet for 10 days now, I am actually having rampantly sexual dreams about roast potatoes. And am being so grumpy and childishly sullen with Mr F that I wouldn't blame him if he smothered me face-down in mashed potato, yelling "THERE IT IS THEN IT'S CARBS YOU MOANY COW". Absolve me. I am a danger to myself and others, and not particularly nice with it.

Anonymous said...

i eatmuch junk...too lazy to exercise it away (as if). pretending things that have been said have not been....married for 35 yrs to someone who always does this...still (sigh) love this particular idiot. maybe that is my penance!!!

Cassandra said...

Too depressed to confess. Home alone with kids until tomorrow afternoon. Letting them eat bear-shaped crisps and watch The Neverending Story. The IRONY. Shit mother etc. So I've confessed after all....

Z said...

Oh sweet Nathan! Isn't The Neverending Story the one where the horse becomes so depressed that he drowns himself? I had to turn it off and distract my grandchildren, who were too young to realise how horrible it was.

I've just persuaded my husband to have a glass of wine at lunchtime, in the middle of a working day. This is not a confession, however, I'm really quite pleased with myself. I'll lead him astray if it takes the rest of our lives.

Meanni - how is it you have a better class of wv than anyone else?

Juci said...

I am right there with Pochyemu on no. 1. I have finished my thesis which, I believe, turned out quite acceptable (trying not to slip into the mortal sin of hubris right there).
But. I have also written a miserable 20 pages for my teacher's degree. Now this one, I must confess, is a hack job. That is no surprise, considering that I wrote most of it in a single night. I am wondering whether I will fail.
I also bought a packet of Kinder délice (10 pcs), Balisto Muesli (6 pcs) and Gerlinéa Choco biscuits (12 pcs) the last few weeks, all of which I have hidden in my cupboard and ate while I was working on said thesis. None of them lasted longer than 3 days. I wouldn't even feel sorry abouth those if I didn't look like a pot-bellied pig.
Other than that, I am trying really hard.

Lisa said...

It would be easier to list the ways in which I have not sinned of late. The worst thing is I've opened your posts, read them, laughed until snorting ensues and then had to close the window before my boss comes grumping into my office, all without commenting.

And then there are all those crimes against nature I keep committing......

Jaywalker said...

Right! My head hurts but I think that's probably a good thing for penance. RI oll up roll up.

Kate: your penance is to read one of those dreadful misery memoirs to realise that you are in fact a superlatively wonderful mother, who makes her daughter paper facial hair.

Fabhat - your penance is firstly, to send me a link to a pic of the glasses, and secondly to be a bit wickeder next month.

AQ - you aren't very repentant, are you? If there is a picture of your boss on line somewhere, you must sent it to me by email for penance so I can imagine the gouging.

Persephone - where is the sin? Space Camp sounds like a special ring of hell and you are obviously doing regular penance with these Trips.

Jessica - oh you sound exactly like me! Well, less sinful. Um, I sentence you to continue with your really very promising blog to which I will be linking from my sidebar type thing very soon.

Wife in HK - is it any good? Should I? I am wavering.

redfox - leetle leetle sins. And all those terrible papers you have to mark! Cruel and unusual. I sentence you find one small surprise for your husband.

SueBob - ugh, who cares? The Holy Tortoise is not big on sanitary issues. Get a dog to lick it up. The end.

Elsie - but that's merely wonderful and entertaining. I sentence you to CONTINUE.

Sue - maybe as penance you could find some small way in which to make your boss's life miserable?


Bee - you have been too flattering and lovely for me to be really vengeful, and your sins are tiny.

Gabriella - come come it's hardly Jilly Cooper. It's probably worthier than actual work! No penance.

Layla - I have major older sister sympathies with you. Bah. Penance is a large drink. And a fling with an unsuitable Turkish boy.

Lennel - WOWWOWOW the Inland Revenue let you OFF? You must be, like a divine creature and outside of the Holy TOrtoise's jurisdiction. Oh, the hell of the phone. I curse Alexander Graham Bell daily. Penance: pff. Buy some chocolate of your own. Nice chocolate that you choose.

Titian - the HTTM is nothing if not a traditional papal nepotist. Your close connections to the papal see exempt you from penance.


VLiF - ha, I watched all the qualifying rounds too. I fantasise alternately about André and Sinclair.

The cat confession though. Ooooh. Bad. Bad. But you are living with the guilt, which is kind of worse. I sentence you to watch Lary's hair very closely for 5 minutes on next Nouvelle Star.

Anon - and of course I am terribly disappointed. Which is sad and pathetic in itself. Sigh.

Z - the horrible truth is that cheap chocolate is simply MORE DELICIOUS. No, Red Shoes, do not try and convince me. It is. The pants of shame will be like flagellation after a day or 2 anyway. Hideous, cruel penance.

Jaywalker said...

Monk - I like you so much for that. SO much. Um, penance? God, I don't know. Ride the """"Line 6"""" to the new thrilling terminus?

Ms Prufrock - I would be terribly tempted to place something he wants just slightly out of range and then go mysteriously deaf for half an hour or so. The satisfaction and guilt will combine to make you feel bad enough to be nicer to him again.


Vanessa - you are always one of my favourite confessers. Is that the word? It isn't is it. Pah. I wish I had a cat for the dog to chase. Not that it's big on breathing, more the wordless, gloomy following. Maybe your penance should be to try and find something to cover the chair. New fabric. Or something. Argh.

Anon - I feel like I am looking at my future here. Without the extra children. Aren't there any nice teenage boys in your neighbourhood who would like to lavish affection on her for the odd hour or so? Or could you lend her to some elderly person as company? Hmm, penance. I think for one hour this weekend you must sit with your poor old unappealing friend and give her some strokes. It will be depressing, but penance is cleansing.

Laura Jane - well, you don't want absolution, but do you need penance? Hmm?

KCM - yikes, it's like having the POPE HERE IN THE ROOM. I am quite afraid. I can feel my soul staring to smoulder.

Pochyemu - hmm. Can I come on your blog and confess similar stuff I can't confess here? That could be your penance. Hosting me saying the stuff I can't say here. Don't tell BIL. Just, don't.

Lucy Fishwife - hmm. This diet business. Is it really necessary? Look deep into your heart and decide whether the end justifies the means. If it is necessary, then your penance is probably to cook Mr Fishwife something nice. Carby or not, as your moral fibre dictates.

Anon - Ah, yes. It's the British Way. Is he British? If not, he can apply for citizenship.

Juci - pot bellied pigs are tremendously sweet and appealing, and those Balistos are weirdly delicious. You say you are trying really hard. Continue. That's penance enough.

Lisa - your penance is to TELL US MORE. You can't just leave it there. We need more sin. MORE.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Et moi alors??? Stop me before I kill again.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Sorry, you just did... I am officially Mrs Impatient Cow.

Jaywalker said...

Lucy - we know why that is, don't we? It's those DANCING POTATOES. Stop this madness (with all due respect to India, whose diet is doubtless the nicest possible of all such things).

westendmum said...

I remembered I hadn't given my 8 month old baby any lunch, when I was out, trying on a vintage frock that evening.

I followed Geoffery Munn from Antiques Roadshow around John Lewis Foodhall.

I went for a cup of tea with Jerry Sadowitz.

I have a blog.

My partner would probably divorce me if he found out any of the above.

You can't tell anyone right?

Jaywalker said...

W1Mum - dude you are twisted (the Food Hall). But the secrecy of the comments box is inviolable.
Eh, if the baby didn't demand food, it probably wasn't hungry, right?
Penance - touch a pigeon in Crabtree. Dare you dare you.

kcm said...

@Artichoke Queen and @JW ... Yes! Iam evil. EVIL I tell you!!!! But it is for your own good. [fx: cackling laughter] But do not that unlike Il Papa (or should that be Il Caca?) I do not condemn contraception; indeed I embrace it! Which of course makes me even more evil. Fun innit, being evil. :-)
Not convinced how evil I am? See over at http://zenmischief.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-am-wicked.html.

WV is "tranjenc" -- well I wasn't last time I looked, anyway.

kcm said...

You lot are just too good at being evil! All this (latent) adultery and crimes against nature. But then don't we all? Yes, we do!! Fun innit?!?!? ;-)

WV this time is "notie"; like wat we all is!

Pochyemu said...

Darling you can write anything you want on my blog. I'll give you the password and everything and you just post away. This is a good idea as I haven't got the time to do it these days! I take your penance and I raise you a guest post.

Razorkitty said...

You asked for some Catholic input, as your "sins" were purely ones of the mind: well, you're still DOOMED according to the Pope (the late, can't-remember-if-much-lamented, John Paul III) who insisted that if, for example, you committed adultery in your head, that was the same as actually, er, doing it. Personally, I beg to differ, but there you have it. I do hope the HT has a more generous soul, or we're all in trouble.

livesbythewoods said...

I have no confessions that I am prepared to spend hours typing on my iPhone as I lounge in bed like a hibernating bear, but my verification word is TURBO, which I would be a fool to pass up.

bevchen said...

I would like to confess that I haven't been to the dentist in about 6 years. I am confessing this now because I#m pretty sure there's a hole in one of my teeth. And I have no intention of going to get it checked out cos my medical insurance doesn't cover dental care and I permanently skint as it is.

I would also like to confess that while my boyfriend was away for a week with work I didn't eat a proper meal once. breakfast was chocolate cake. For lunch I took pot noodles to work. And in the evening there were large packets of crisps followed by a handful of mini marshmallows (originally bought to put in hot chocolate), or more cake washed down with wine. Or an entire (large) packet of m&ms. In fact anything that didn't require me to a)cook and b) wash too many dishes afterwards. Not that I washed the dishes. I suppose I should also confess that I left the dishes lying in the sink for that entire week as well, finally washing them the night before the boyfriend came home so that he wouldn't know.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Do it. It's more addictive than chocolate. And it doesn't make you fat. Just broke.

pinolona said...

I am fiercely competitive in exams and I hate it when other people get higher marks than me.

At home, I secretly drink tap water and instant coffee.

What I miss most about my last boyfriend is his car.

I eat pretzels and chocolate for lunch between classes.

I edited out the worst bits of my confession and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one.

Jaywalker said...

KCM - but that is why you come here isn't it? To hear about how bad we are?

Pochyemu - If I ever get around to doing anything bad enough not to be able to confess it here, I will take you up on that.

Razorkitty - whilst theologically it's probably defensible, does it not tend to lead to damned anyway, might as well enjoy it type behaviour?

LBTW - fair enough. As long as you check out the penguin's welfare.

bevchen - the dishes touch is a masterstroke. Brava! You have inspired me to an 11am handful of Maltesers.

Wife - I probably will. I am easily swayed.

Pinolona - bless you my child. Your penance is that next confession, you must pluck up the courage to confess something more evil. The anonymity of the comments box is all embracing.

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