Sunday, 22 March 2009

The week in Belgium

I am an empty husk of a thing today so I thought I would give you a sort of Belgian Waffle Sunday Omnibus edition, in the manner of all good soap operas (which this is not, sadly. I would quite like to suddenly wake up and find myself being played by someone else, or to demonstrate my mental decline through the medium of no longer wearing make up and having crappy hair, or sleep with every man in the street - actually, no. Not the last one).


The CFO jumps ship for London. The Beast pours a litre of milk on the kitchen floor at around 7am and requires carrying up four flights of stairs in full ironing board/rigor mortis position.

I am called upon (while sitting on the loo, because children don't care) to explain Tampax to the Beast. I do not do a good job of it, though noone could accuse me of being inaccurate or insufficiently graphic. However, I do wish I could have found a better word for the female sex organs than 'hole'. "I understand now" he says, running away in terror, after a couple of seconds. He will never have a normal sex life now. I feel my job is done here.

Dinner: oven chips and cucumber.


Our heroine is forced home early from the Corridor of Ennui with the plague, distinguishable from her usual crushing workplace despair only by throat symptoms making her act like cat with furball.

Dinner: Thierry Tapeworm.

The CFO bring me Vogue Homme back from London, mysteriously. When questioned, he says that he "missed an M", and thought it was Vogue Home. Glad but puzzled he thinks that such a publication would interest me, given state of house.


Nouvelle Star! André Manoukian sends me subliminal messages through the television. Soon we will be together. For a brief few hours I love everyone.

I buy a dress forgetting we no longer have any money. I am then forced to consider alternative money making schemes with the assistance of demented women on Twitter, including the commercialisation of Thierry Tapeworm as a pet or slimming aid, forging the image of Jesus on the shell of one of the tortoises and calling the Catholic Herald claiming it has healing and slimming powers, selling various confessional memoirs (bagel addiction, dog ear sniffing, Nurofen abuse, compulsive bowl buying). I am forced, reluctantly to give up on last idea as William Leith has already written them all. Bastard.

I go to see the GP for plague cures and More Drugs. She asks me how much pain relief I am taking, I tell her 2 Nurofen Plus every couple of hours. "That's nowhere near enough!" she says, shocked. I love my GP.

Dinner: god knows. Something horrible. I have a vague memory of chicken. NOT VIANDE.


Singularly without incident. Words written on Great Belgian Novel: 0 Words written on stupid 140 character messages: 800000.

Check bank balance: €59.

Discuss whether 'juicy bastard' sounds better than 'connard juteux' with my new dinosaur penfriend.

Dinner: Nurofen. Bonne Maman petits pots de crème, which are very tasty indeed. Please send me some free ones Bonne Maman (ha! the delicious irony!). Veuillez m'envoyez des échantillons gratuits.


The CFO takes me for a ride on his shiny red mid life crisis. I squeal like a small primate whenever he goes above 30 mph. Somehow I am conned into paying for more Pokemon cards, which still do not buy me peace. Nothing buys me peace this week. Peace is entirely elusive unless I surrender the laptop to the spawn, a shame since all I wish to do is play peacefully on it. Horns of dilemma very pointy and uncomfortable.

Red Shoes sends me a film of a tortoise having sex with a boot which is impressively disgusting (NO, I am not linking to it, and you should thank me for that. Ask her.). The existence of Holy Tortoise sex tapes makes the idea of a tortoise shrine sadly untenable. We explore the commercial potential of holy mothbastards, but I cannot bear to make them the object of religious devotion, even though suggestion they are 'tiny angels, fallen from Heaven, with dusty wings' is one of evil genius. Regretfully give up on idea of shrine.

The vet syphons all €59 out of my bank account for worming the weepette while the spawn destroy the surgery with great systematic precision.

Dinner: wine, Pringles, Nurofen.


A terrifying yellow orb appears in the sky over Brussels. We assume it is related to the blue brain and try to ignore it. Just as I am about to lose the plot definitively (around lunchtime), I go out in backyard and lie face down on the pebbles with dog and tortoises for an hour. The yellow orb seems to have mysterious healing properties. I no longer feel the need to kill everyone, a pleasing sensation that lasts several hours.

By evening the murderous tendencies are back as the Beast summons me back to its lair five times because the nightlight is not perfectly aligned, I have not said the nightime words in the correct ritual order, the water glass is not in its assigned place and because one of its socks is twisty.

CFO makes dinner. Impressively horrible. Oncle Ben's Microwave rice mixed with AN EGG. Hurl.

Executive summary: No progress, no money, no self-respect, no vitamins.

Please provide an executive summary of your week in a sentence in the comments.


Zed said...

I saw that tortoise sex video 2 weeks ago - fucking hilarious, literally.

Pochyemu said...

My week:

Monday: Shit.
Tuesday: Shittier.
Wednesday: Took day off from life.
Thursday: Ibid.
Friday: Fucking shit.
Saturday: Mildly shit.
Sunday: Daytime = GLORIOUS! Drove down to East Sussex with less-grumpy-than-usual husband and hilariously hyperactive stinky dog. Walked on beach with dog, had remarably shitty Chinese on way home. Evening = shit. Very tired from driving. Must write paper.

Ah well, it was fun for the 4 hours that it lasted.

Mrs Jones said...

Begins with dinner in lovely restaurant with friends who's sons ring them every 10 mins to give updates of poorly cat. Cat declines rapidly, children get more frantic, we eat more sushi, eventually getting home in time to take cat to emergency vet where she dies. Middle of week I meet with lovely, lovely lady who wants to sell my jewellery in her lovely, lovely new shop! Result!! End week with 3 hour journey to Wales to visit extremely aged and deaf in-laws who treat me as a foreigner (because I'm English) but take us to restaurant and pay. We drive home playing The Cure, Royksopp and Basement Jaxx VERY LOUDLY and feel much better to be greeted at the door by our own (very much alive but grumpy at having left alone for the night) cats. The End. Hey, wv is 'stori', which my comment almost is.

Titian red said...

Monday work = bolloc*s (and not smooth, silky ones) pm Italian oral exam = schifezza.
Tuesday = a day
Wednesday = day off, euphoria renders it indescribable
Thursday = day off, thought about doing stuff but didn't bother
Friday = day off, met friends talked bolloc*s (again not the smooth, silky ones) and had fun.
Saturday = weekend so some obligation to do stuff, tried to get out of it.
Sunday = Mothers Day, so even though no young in evidence pulled the "special day" card and remained in my bed ignoring increasing amounts of stuff that should be done. Way, way too much time on internet .........

Should you cut and past 52 times you have my life...sad isn't it ?

M. said...

Executive Haiku: Stabby teens, silent clients, looming taxman - I take local Tony's call.

Red Shoes said...


Liberty London Girl said...

My week was a vegetative soup of torpor, agoraphobia and depression. A couple (maybe more) of days I didn't actually make it out of bed (which is why my blog is rather abstract at the moment because I have done NOTHING outside, therefore have nothing to write about). I am broke, scared witless about writing my bloody book x2, and am wondering if I will get arrested for sleeping in my rental car in CA as may well have no money for lodgings.

Oh one bright spark: lost 7lbs now as I miss breakfast through insomnia and sit awake worrying all night. Depression also seems to be killing appetite. And I did manage to spend FOUR hours on Friday (took me till Friday to leave house) cleaning out my storage container and found several lost things.BUT NOT MY BLOODY PASSPORT - with my rather important foreign correspondent's visa attached to it. Fuck.

Does this make you feel any better?


Liberty London Girl said...

Red Shoes: I think I liked it better when you were obsessing about Robert Pattinson. The tortoises are SCARY. LLGxx

Maggie said...

Monday: woke up sick, went to work, got shouted at by angry people on phone all day. Bought red crock pot in Target after work for making soup.

Tuesday: woke up even sicker, went to work, coughed all day asthmatically.

Wednesday: called in sick, got FIRED. Made chicken soup in new crock pot.

Thursday: picked up box of possessions packed up by evil work overlords. Informed I was fired for having a bad attitude about being shouted at all day by angry people.

Friday: Ate chicken soup. Looked for work. Hopeless.

Saturday: Tv show I've been obsessed with for many years to the point where I've met all the writers and most of the cast and all of the sound and visual effects people: ended. Goodbye! Made vegetable soup in crock pot as no more chicken.

Sunday: Cleaned house obsessively, decided which bills not to pay, ate stupid food from cupboards out of some kind of future famine ravenous feeding frenzy, even though saving it might be smarter. Continued to search for work online in tiny northern town. There is none.

Whee! The Easter candy is quite good, though. Also, there's a lot of tea.

Titian red said...

God, I love spending your money for you.........

Jools said...

Monday-Wednesday-Lots of shopping and returning. Lots of picking up of dog poo. Lots of harassment by anxious teenager. Lots of cups of tea. Lots of reading of the internets. Lots of tivo.

Thursday-(only day with chance of excitement. Husband in play.Opening Night.) Lots of fun playing dress-up. Lots of wine at after party, followed by lots of insincere remarks. Lots of regrets on Friday.

You remain the highlight of my week.

Red Shoes said...

LLG, I'm not obsessed! I brought the tortoise sex tape link to Jaywalker as a gift of blogging devotion, rather like a cat brings the partial corpse of a mouse to their favorite person. That's not creepy... is it?

It is. I know. hangs head in shame

If it makes you feel any better, I am still totally in lust with R.P. See? I'm perfectly normal. Really.

littleanomaly said...

Monday-get paid by gov't to knit

Tuesday-get paid by gov't to knit

Wednesday-get sent to old work building to play with ginormous maps. Get kicked out of building at 2:30-go to craft store

Thursday-See Wednesday, but with added embarassment of buying birthday for great uncle, only to realize later that it plays the song "Do you believe in magic.. In a young girls heart?"

Friday-get paid to knit

Saturday-cook food!! I'm not sure what I did for the other 23 hours.

Today-go to open houses, only for fiance to get horrible tummy ache after seeing a particularly uh. interesting house. Watch Spongebob with fiance.

Jessica K said...

Realized no matter what I choose to do I am doomed so I might as well have nice clothes.

That sums up the whole week, but I will break it down later.

monk said...

Much-loved creme-egg-bearing visitors depart Mon, leaving me with no choice but to go to work. Derail negotiations on a variety of topics, consider career change, remind self of lack of qualifications to do anything else, take refuge in cake. Derail more of other stuff in different places, trapped in glass case of emotion, wake Sat morning on sofa cruelly hungover dressed as Where's Wally. With a home-made pompom.

With hindsight, I'd quite like to start the week again

Mrs Trefusis... said...

Stop. You are KILLInG me! I have just spat tea on the new gadget and it's just to unfair of you to cajole me out of the filthy mood I have so carefully cultivated all week. By the way, if you add some Tabasco to the microwave rice/egg meal you will find it goes down better: a favourite supper chez Trefusis.

sue said...

Monday - get shouted at by chief executive for piss poor board paper. Rewrite said paper at home with 'help'. Do not eat but drink wine, a lot.
Tuesday - see Monday but substitute piss poor board paper with 2nd piss poor board paper.
Wednesday - abused via blackberry by CE, although not for piss poor board papers #1 & #2. Try not to cry in lavatory. Go home, avoid food, apart from cheesy doritos (I do not know why) and wine (a lot).
Thursday - Work, blah. Get period. Child's 10th birthday, he doesn't kick off, mercifully, we take him for pizza. Throw up on returning home (me, not child) - assume wrongly due to stomach shrinkage, realise I haven't taken ponstan prescribed for said period. Spend night fainting and vomiting from pain. Lovely.
Friday - remember to take Ponstan, it doesn't work, faint and vomit at work, fail to eat. Absorb more abuse for paper #3 and rewrite with more 'help'. Leave comment on your blog relating to little doggie balls. Drink wine on empty stomach. Collapse.
Saturday - Check your blog many times for updates, discover 'little downy peanuts' has made your day. Feel I have achieved greatness and am rather delighted with self. Do not clean house. Contemplate purchase of shoes I cannot afford. Wine.
Sunday - receive darling handmade mother's day card and 'certificate' which I am reliably informed only cost a quid. Arse about all day on laptop, contemplate the buying of the shoes again. Cook, badly. Roast chicken done but spuds are still in plastic bag, this may have something to do with ogling shoes on Browns website and losing track of self. Serve up cold roast chicken and raw(ish)roast veg. Wine. Contemplate abuse from CE tomorrow and due to retire to unmade bed, soonish. Thanks for asking.

tragicanon said...

my week:
i got a heat rash..
in nine degrees weather..

i think i need a new life

Cassandra said...

I can't bloody remember. Will get the filofax and work out what happened. RIGHT:

Monday - school runs, hung out with Bruiser, messed around on internets.

Tuesday - the same, then out for dinner in evening. They have a "wii" and I got free tuition on it, sticking my arse out like a baboon.

Weds - usual day time stuff, then out to see Bugsy Malone in the evening. Everybody loves that man, eh? I DON'T THINK SO.

Thursday - another stimulating day at the coalface of motherhood. Mr C off recording an obscure CD somewhere so was away overnight = no break at all from the spawn.

Friday - MAD AS A BRUSH by now.

Saturday - anger and resentment reach bloody domestic climax. Send friend a desperate text saying that I need to "let off steam" about Mr C. He takes the spawn out for a couple of hours. Suicidal urges subside.

Sunday BLOODY Sunday - good as got breakfast in bed plus walk on beach in Whitstable this afternoon. Mr C buggering off to Spain first thing, however, so feeling The Shining already....

Z said...

Went to funeral, minded greengrocer's shop, minded children, went to lecture on Bonnard, gave vote of thanks, went to meeting, agreed to do bloody everything, minded children, found out I owe £6.30 in library fines, went out to lunch, minded shop, went to grandchild's birthday party, set up church for Mother's day service, went to church and ate bacon sandwiches, came home and ate cheesecake, sowed seeds in greenhouse, ate dinner prepared by son, booked rail tickets for weekend in London, read Sunday paper.

You don't, I suppose, wish to know how many bottles of wine I drank.

Grit said...

everyday is sunshine over here. even with £10.56 in library fines and a court summons.

Persephone said...

Aren't we supposed to do this in one sentence? Oh, that was one sentence....
Okay, it's March Break here which means daughters are off school all week which means I had to find means to coax them out of the house every single day while trying to stop up the hole in my soul.

Sinda said...

One sentence? Husband out of country for 17 days, mother in town for 7, not one moment of solitude all week, spent FAR too much money on car repairs, food, and NEW DOG!

Is that even a sentence? I'm too tired for sentences.

pinklea said...

Spring Break, so no work, just lots of rain and almost obsessive Intarnets usage in between sleeping a lot. Oh - it's sunny today and my daffodils have finally bloomed.

Kate said...

monday - was snippy with innocent 3 year old.
tuesday - 3 year old was driving me to drink and i therefore got snippier.
wednesday - snippy.
thursday - pissed off and snippy. took child to biodome to try to have a nice afternoon. worked somewhat. only ate shit all day
friday - ate some carrots. and not much else. popcorn for dinner. fell asleep in yoga class and was woken up because i was snoring too loudly. did a terrible job packing and left a mess for my husband to clean up (or wallow in) while we are gone
saturday - took a train and a car, got violently ill from eating cheese (that's my guess), had an awesome night of sleep
sunday - watched a children's theatrical production while i thought about how sexist it was and how it was going to warp my daughter's mind. tried to keep my mom in a good mood since my grandma is making us insane. packed again, this time to get on a plane.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Executive summary: Monday-Thursday worried about possible jobless future 6,000 miles away from home, started taking the bus and fretted about crap schools, Friday evening in A&E with 3 yo daughter, all weekend drunk and exhausted with wonderful visiting friends from home.

Marie said...

Last week I was mostly: spending money like water. This week I will be mostly: doing my accounts. Funny, Karma doesn't usually come round to bite my ass quite that fast.

BTW, my doctor friend says that same thing about Nurofen. I told her I take it two at a time as the packet instructs, and she said you have to take at least three each time. Stupid packet instructions are there to stop people getting ulcers, but reduce the dose so low that it doesn't actually work, duh.

Chantal said...

Monday -
Called in sick. Was not really sick. Timed it spot on as London had miraculous inexplicable heatwave.

Tuesday -
Did not call in sick. Shit day at work. Asked to do three trillion things on top of existing workload by new mental boss.

Wednesday -
Ditto above, plus gym. nearly killed self on normally achievable cycling machine workout. Ugh.

Thursday -
Massive row with other half in morning, go to work blotchy and tearstained. Work itself awful. Day tempered by band practice in evening during which sustained hilarity ensues. Go home feeling much better.

Friday -
Reach homicidal tipping point at work. Gig afterwards at favourite venue in Camden - lovely gig, lovely crowd, lovely bottled Mexican beer; feel much better again.

Saturday -
Hen night in Brighton. Hen night is weird but am there with very good friends, we get to see some quite good comedy then get pissed and take the mickey out of the other hens behind their backs. Bitchy but fun.

Yesterday -
Mental collapse due to three day drinking binge. Manage Sunday lunch then go home to do domestic chores and watch nature programmes on other half's ludicrously massive television.

I give last week 6 out of 10, I've had worse.

Jaywalker said...

Zed - you are a sicko. Cover Herman's eyes please.

Pochyemu - I am glad you had 4 hours. I haven't answered your email, but I am going to.

Mrs Jones - onoes, your week had a dead cat in it. Bad.

Titian - oh, yes; 'special day'. Not in Belgium, sadly. The beware tortoise sign has been sold, sob. Was that you, Zed?

M - Ok, that's so good I think I might instigate Sunday night 'haiku your week' night. We could have crappy prizes that I would forget to send.

Red Shoes - I take your dead mouse gall bladder offering in the spirit in which it was intended, which is VERY BIG OF ME.

Maggie - shit, you got fired this week? shackass. So sorry.

LLG - no, it makes me want to come and tuck you up and bring you small nourishing meals, and take you on short invalid walks to cake shops (for me, not you, because you are doing so magnificently and I will not sabotage) and shoe shops and to try on lots of lovely clothes. Here's a cup of tea and a stroke, anyway. Poor poppet.

Jools - you are lovely, but the wine and dress up should really have been the highlight I think.

littleanomaly - i need to understand how come the government pays you to knit. HOW.

Jessica K - that sounds like an important epiphany and I approve wholeheartedly. Expand though.

Monk - I would love to see this home made pom pom. That is a genuine achievement. I keep trying and failing to make them.

Mrs T - do not tempt them with more condiments. They are disgusting. Sorry about your evil mood; as you were.

Sue - was just on Browns website actually. Which ones? The Lanvin platforms are nice... Yes, you may feel very proud of brightening my week with your peanuts.

tragicanon - if you find one, can I borrow your old one? But I am ditching 5 a side boy.

Cassandra - I like your narrative arc. Beautiful. Mad as a brush friday especially.

Z - you can have as much wine as you did minding. So lots.

Grit - pah, chickenshit. ooh, I have a summons too! Let's swap.

Persephone - scones are good for stuffing up soul holes. Big doughy ones.

Sinda - now. You and i need to talk, because lots and lots of people keep coming here after googling to find out if "Sinda depressed", "Sinda suicidal" "Sinda ill". WFT? Any ideas? Also, new dog, please tell me more.

pinklea - you and me both. CFO said he was "living with an addict" last night. La la.

Kate - snippy is fine. Snippy is virtually essential. However, what is a biodome.

Wife - is daughter ok? Off to check.

Marie - karma has speeded up no end recently, I find. Any nice purchases of fripperies to share? I love your doctor friend too now.

mysterycreature said...

I lvoe your blog - just came ot it through various links and found myself laughing out loud. It's witty, entertaining and self-depricating - I don't know what could be better!

Ali said...

I need not break it down into days for you. It was a constant stream of:
Breastfeed, Nurofen, moan in pain, growl at husband, agonise over buying expensive bag, do load of washing, cook sub-standard meal, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. You get the picture.

Jessica K said...

The expanded version:
Mon - go to work, realize they have already written me off, I am doomed.
Tues - go to work, go to school, feel like I am tripping, leave before lab, I am doomed.
Wed - Anniversary, evaluate my married life, realize I am doomed.
Thurs - dont even go to school, attempt to study, keep falling asleep, doom.
Fri - attend mandatory 2 hour customer service training class, have to be talked down afterwards in 3way email with good friends.
Sat - kids to grandparents, sat evening studied while husband played computer games, my social life is doomed.
Pick up kids, am allowed 10 minutes in favorite shop, brilliant and not expensive clothes, am now plotting how to buy them, and all the others.

Mud in the City said...

Last week: Stuck on Jubilee line. Deal with muppets at work. Drink wine. Stuck on District line. Deal with same muppets at work. Marathon training in the dark. Hole in sock. Drink wine. Stuck on DLR. Muppets still there. Long run. Perve at rowers on the Thames [highlight of the week!]. Holey sock = giant Blister consuming foot. Drink wine.

This week: stuck on Jubilee line. Need to drink wine.

M. said...

"Haiku your week" sounds wonderful. I suggest toothpicks and discarded bus tickets as prizes.

After much interest on Friday, Tony has inexplicably gone off the radar. Is this normal, Dr. Jaywalker? You have much experience with him. My allegedly hunt-worthy head is feeling fragile just now.

fabhat said...

Week as follows:
Cold calling, overfilled commuter train, trolley trailing, time wasting on internets, kitchen painting, cake baking, family party that was very pleasant and sunshine. Very curate's eggish ie: good in parts...

Jaywalker said...

Chantal - glad about Monday. One day, when I no longer have a job (please Nathan), I will expand at length on the art of chucking a sickie. Purely theoretically of course. A 6 is pretty good. I think mine was about the same.

Mystery creature - hello! I do hope you aren't a moth. I have enough of those mystery creatures as it is. Also, thank you;

Jessica K - so, a good week, then? Only 5/7 days dominated by doom.

Mud - please buy new socks at lunchtime. I am wincing.

M - He's probably been sacked. Or has gone back to his pod for recharging. Let's check with Helena if she's reading as she used to be a Tony. HELENA? ARE YOU THERE?

tragicanon said...

i'd like to see you try.. he's unditchable.. you'd have to have a heart of stone and totally immovable will power to get rid of him..

M. said...

Also, outside of Borneo, is there such a thing as an "award-winning head hunter"? HELENA! ANSWER US!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

As requested: Week's Haiku:

...Sleepwalked through the week:
Ate, drank wine, slept, blogged - Spring came...
Some sunshine, then rain...

Word ver: creples - Crepes -Not flambeed, but bastardized?

Helena said...

Eh? Hello, sorry just got back from camping. I know, I know, my ker-azy life.
I was initially a bit worried that you thought I used to be a Tony, but I have figured out what you mean, eventuallly. (The confusion wasn't helped by the fact that last year I went to Borneo to visit a tattoo studio called "Head Hunters", had no idea what that had to do with alleged sex changes.)

Anyway, yes, I was a recruiter for about three months last summer.
Thye are bastards, unless you are a client. They do not care at all about candidates as you do not pay their fees. So they are quite likely to ring a hundred people, get them all excited and then ignore them when someone more interesting comes along, or the job is filled elsewhere. You will not get a phone call as there is nothing in it for them.
Unless you are an exceptional candidate in which case they might wing your CV round a few companies to see if they can make a quick buck off it.
I would suggest phoning and asking what's going on,you ned to be the proactive one here if you are really interested.
Sorry! that's cheerful isn't it.
Also, I believe thet there probably is some hideous industry awards ceremony for head hunters and I have never been a man as far as I remember.

Marie said...

Since you ask...,default,pd.html?cgid=097

Instantly transforms any outfit from "confused hobo" to "supermodel on her day off". LOVE them.

Lisa said...

Okay - it' is simply unsafe for me to read your posts while I'm consuming anything because I end up laughing until I choke.

Mrs C said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs C said...

Why the fuck do French men mix every food product with egg when/if they cook?

I am shaking my fist at the sky.

Jaywalker said...

Mrs C - truly, it is a cruel mystery. I think it must be for EXTRA PROTEIN, because otherwise their Gauloise smoking arms would be all weak and puny.

littleanomaly said...

As for the getting paid to knit thing, I believe what I put on my time sheet was "Administration" meaning I watched the phone and wasn't allowed to leave the desk. I actually have a really awesome job, there's just nothing to do right now because we moved into a new building and we can't help any patrons.

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