Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Wear your flannel underwear

Apologies in advance for this post, internet, but times are hard and I can't afford someone to listen to me whinge and over-analyse. Tomorrow I'll try and post some stupid photos or cook something disgusting, or whatever it is I do that makes you come back. Today, you are my therapy. You are free to demand payment but I hope virtual money/weepette porn is ok, because all the Belgian banks have now been sold to Luxembourg for a secondhand friteuse and a waffle iron.

I've mentioned this before, but I used to really and I mean REALLY look after myself. Exercise, creams and unguents, all that dry body brushing business, massages and a thoroughly obsessive diet majoring on all that whole grain, vegetables, fruits, nonsense. If I didn't get my five a day, which probably happened once in five years, I quite literally could not sleep until I found myself some vitamins. See here for stultifying details.

On top of that, and often in opposition to it, I have always loved food, thought about it constantly, eaten greedily and with enjoyment. This may seem unlikely given the whole eating disorder thing, but I think bulimia is broadly consistent with loving food. I mean, to the extent that any eating disorder is actually about food (which is not so much). Going out for meals in good restaurants with table cloths and amuses bouches and kir royale and ideally someone who races to pull out your chair and faffs around with your napkin when you go to the loo has always been the absolute pinnacle of happiness for me. I am properly greedy, for perfect croque monsieurs, syrup sponge roly poly pudding, sushi, whatever.

So what the fuck is happening to me? At the moment I just DO NOT CARE. I don't care about my health, my body, my diet. I really can't be bothered with it. There's nothing I actually want to eat, so I just eat whatever crap comes to hand. I realised at six last night that I hadn't drunk anything, not ANYTHING, except one small coffee all day. And had eaten only 2 croissants and some (ok, lots) chocolate eggs. Whah? Of course, by then I was mental and shouting at everything that got in my way. I don't do well on low blood sugar. The weepette still cowers when it sees me. It's not just eating either - I don't cleanse, I don't moisturise. It takes all my resolve to brush my teeth. I try, really I do, to put make up on, because I am absolutely transformed by it (that's kind of inevitable when you have no eyelashes) but I rarely top twice a week. Sometimes I think fleetingly that a bath would be nice, but I never get as far as actually having the bath. I dress properly for work, but the rest of the time I look like crap. Stained crap.

I know that I lost a lot of the ability to be such a smug, self-absorbed git when I had children. Suddenly there isn't the time, and what time there is must be filled with gazing with a combination of awe and dread at the tiny shrimplike dicator who is now ruling your life. And wondering if you will ever sleep again. But, you know, I was still better than I am now. I remember sneaking back to yoga BEFORE my six week check. This seems entirely outlandish now as I type it. Who was that person? Someone shoot her before she breeds again!

More importantly, who is this person who cannot be bothered with food? Who barely even remembers to make the odd cup of tea? Why don't I give a shit about myself anymore? Presumably a number of you will be thinking 'depression'. I'd have to agree, it sounds a lot like depression, but trust me, I don't feel depressed. I feel broadly sane and I feel fairly well qualified to say that I know the difference.

I don't know why I am neglecting myself like this, I really don't. What I do know is that I miss having someone who really cares whether I am eating properly and getting enough sleep and wearing a jumper. That isn't quite what your partner, your lover is for, is it? Yes, sure, you care about each other and look after each other. Maybe for some of you it is like this, in which case I am corrosively jealous. It isn't for me. And it sure as hell isn't for the poor CFO.

My mum used to sing me that song, Button up your Overcoat. You know the one? I'm putting it all in here, because I don't think I've ever seen all the lyrics and I quite enjoyed reading through them.

Button up your overcoat,
When the wind is free,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

Eat an apple every day,
Get to bed by three,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

Be careful crossing streets, ooh-ooh,
Cut out sweets, ooh-ooh,
Lay off meat, ooh-ooh,
You'll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum!

Wear your flannel underwear,
When you climb a tree,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

Button up your overcoat,
When the wind is free,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

When you sass a traffic cop,
Use diplomacy;
Just take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

Beware of frozen funds, ooh-ooh,
Stocks and bonds, ooh-ooh,
Dockside thugs, ooh-ooh,
You'll get a pain and ruin your bankroll!

Keep the spoon out of your cup,
When you're drinking tea,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

Don't sit on hornet's tails, ooh-ooh!
Or on nails, ooh-ooh!
Or third rails, ooh-ooh!
You'll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum!

Keep away from bootleg hooch
When you're on a spree,
Oh, take good care of yourself,
You belong to me!

It was the best, safest feeling in the world, having her sing that to me - and I mean when I was twenty three, not when I was five. However old you are, I think sometimes you still want someone to wipe around your mouth with a a corner of hanky dipped in spit and tie your scarf too tight and zip your coat up suffocatingly high and tell you you're looking too THIN and are you taking your VITAMINS and do you need an early NIGHT. I miss that. I still want it. Noone notices if I neglect myself here and nor should they - it's not their problem.

I know in my head why I have to look after myself - because that's what adults do, especially adults with small people who depend on them. It's the grown up thing to do, isn't it? Even when you don't feel like it. I am the one who should be doing the singing now, tying scarves, feeling foreheads, urging apples.

But inside, I really still want someone to care if I don't wear a coat. That's normal, right? Say yes, I'm paying you, remember.


Mrs Trefusis... said...

I definitely want you to wrap up warm and eat something green (not green smarties, or M&M's: that would be cheating). And slap some eve lom face pack on. And maybe a little Guerlain's Midnight Secret. I do empathise though: I don't think it's depression, I think it's more insidious than that, if that's possible. It's ennui. Possibly acidie, though I'd have to look that up again on wikipedia to make sure I was using it properly. We live in difficult, horrible times. Vast amounts of external pressure from evil economy (read evil bosses determined to kill whatever shred of morale was there in the first place). Add to that the white noise of children and it's hardly surprising one can't be arsed to have a pedicure or eat a proper meal. It's Too Much Effort. I had 3 Karg's Emmenthal and pumkin seed crackers and the remains of Trefusis Minor's toast today. I have 6 spots. I've never had spots in my life. My hair hasn't seen a hairdryer in weeks and i used to have weekly blowdries. And you know what, I don't care. So I'm on your side, gal. but in the meantime, please have an apple and wear a vest. xxx

Persephone said...

Moisturizing in Ottawa is a necessary part of survival; otherwise, bits of you chip off like Professer Quirrell in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. When I really feel like not doing something (and that's most of the time), I try doing it and timing it to see how long it takes. It sounds goofy, but knowing that washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting in my contact lenses, then moisturizing takes about five minutes makes it a bit more palatable. Then I give myself another five minutes (maybe ten) to do my hair, apply deodorant, moisturize my feet (I live in Ottawa, remember?), put on clothes, including shoes, then quickly do eyeliner and mascara. I stick my lipstick in my pocket to do later. And that's how I get through my day: "Fifteen minutes and you can stop." And yes, I do it for my kids. If something happens to me, they're screwed.

I've been depressed and unhappy. They're not the same. Depression comes from within; unhappiness from without.

Ignore this if this is presumptuous or unhelpful.

Word verification: "curedi". Not what I'm trying to be for you.

bonnie-ann black said...

i concur... i am by nature a natural fusser over those i care for.... and certainly you have become an important part of my daily routine, and i'd hate to lose you to something so... ordinary ... as lack of desire to thrive.

i know what you mean about all the care and pampering thing though... i have sort of reached the point in life where it's not that i don't care -- it's more that i think, what *good* does caring about my appearance do me? i'm on the downhill slide in life and all the fuss and bother hasn't garned me a human lover in... years!

but you -- you are young and in the bloom of life and have lovely children and a CFO that seems to have some regard for you... you should care more about *you*.

i care. i can be like your mom, or older sister -- make sure you wear warm clothes. carry an umbrella. eat those veggies... brush at least twice a day; get regular sleep, and regular sex. what did i raise you for, if not to carry on? why invest all that time and energy in you if you're not going to survive and thrive?

how's that?

PS: my word is "flarkers"...
def: people who just don't care enough about themselves.

screamish said...

shit! two people beat me to it. tried to be the first commenter. your blog is so bloody popular i cant get a word in. At least I'm number three!!!

now im going to go back and actually read it.

OH MY GOD my secret code word is HATER.

Oystergirl said...

It's been years since I heard that song! I never really knew what all of the words were- thanks for showing them. I agree whole-heartedly that we do all so want to have someone who looks out for us in the ways that Mum did- as you have described. I feel that most markedly when I am sick- I would pay a king's ransom to have someone taking my temperature and making me chicken soup and telling me to " take it easy" and "not overdo it", and to " drink plenty of liquids". I have just come out of a period of what you describe and for me, it was because I was injured and had to stop exercising, and then when I was able to start again I was too lazy to start. I had become too complacent. Just the simple lack of endorphins or whatever they are going 'round my body made me lose any trace of what could be construed as motivation. Once I started forcing myself to get back to doing even just a little bit of something exercise-wise, and made myself go back to eating lots of fruit and vegetables, I felt like that old person was coming back again. When I was eating crap, it made me feel like crap. We also spend so much of our time indoors that sometimes a simple dose of fresh air and a good walk make you feel like you have a better perspective on it helps induce sleep the old-fashioned way. Little did I think that years later I would be agreeing with my Mum constantly telling me to go outside and get some fresh air ..........God I feel old.

screamish said...

hmmmm. i suspect simply that you are sick of obligation. that you are possibly sick of responsibility too. you're subconscious is saying to the world "you're not the boss of me"

perhaps you feel you don't have many of your own choices anymore? it could be a strange disfunction (is that a word?) of power, your sense of power over your life.

but i dunno, really. its something worth trying to work out, that's for sure. does the CFO have anything to say about it?

screamish said...

can i just add that i am speaking as a woman who hasnt shaved her legs in almost a month. having twins has been the best thing for a sloven like me. i dont have any complex excuses for myself, I am simply a lazy cow

Asitis said...

It's just that time of the year,
when everything is TOO MUCH EFFORT.
Give it a few weeks, when Spring will be well and truly springing and you'll get your mojo back, (at least, that's what I keep telling myself).
In the meantime, EAT and wear warm clothes because we care x

Kitschen Pink said...

I have absolutely no idea what the solution would be. I would like to have someone sing that to me - maybe you should put it on you-tube and we can all tune in... t.x

jaimehwkns said...

I used to think my mum was nuts when I was a kid - sometimes she would say, wistfully and quietly, that she wished she was at her mum's, and that she would make her cinnamon toast and cut it into little triangles, like she did when my mum was a kid. Now I understand though. Some days even the little things seem to require an exhaustive amount of effort - and sometimes, even if you do try, you get shown up, or no one notices, or it doesn't perk you up like you thought it should. It's enough to make any woman want to run back to her mother and be 6 again.

Maggie said...

Oh yeah, I know this song. Well not the overcoat one, which I LOVE, but the hole in your life when you're not hearing anyone (including yourself) singing it to you, so you don't take care of yourself.

The thing is to find a way to hear that song again. Some reason for all of the taking-care-of to MATTER.

It's the same as the house. Why should I care if it's a big mess? No one is coming over anyway. Well, it makes me feel worse if it's a mess, and it makes me feel worse if I don't take care of myself and eat the stupid vegetables and get enough sleep.

It's an easy way to make yourself feel better, doing that stuff, even if it is just an exercise at first.

I know when you take care of yourself it feels like someone cares. You matter to someone.

Not doing it in the hopes that someone else will notice and do it for you doesn't actually work, I am here to attest.

Fake it until it's real. Do it for all the people who are worried about you and can't be there to be nice to you!

And as for why we keep coming back (you sort of asked) it's because you look at your own life unflinchingly but have a sense of humor about it, a combination that is INSANELY RARE. Yay!

katyboo1 said...

They're all right, those others. I concur.

I know what you mean though. It's time I started taking better care of myself. I have become a real slack Alice recently. The only thing I do do is eat. I always eat. Always. There is never a time when I am not eating.

So. You must eat. If I can do it, you can do it. Do you want me to send some nourishing soup? I have just packed two slimy alien egg pods to send you, but I could pick a hole in the sellotape and pour in some soup.

Failing that, come to my house and I will shout at you and wash your vest and make you brush your wig, or whatever you do with wigs. I will insist on you doing all your buttons up and nag you until your ears fall off. After about half an hour you will feel better and never want to see me again.

sue said...

There's a term up here in the arse end of Cheshire that is all the rage with the teenagers: C.B.A. I only heard it the other day at work from someone who has a teenager at home. It sounds to me like you are suffering from this C.B.A. I think it might be viral and I think I might suffer from it too. The only reason I get in the shower in the morning is because I am afraid that the person sitting nearest me might smell me if I didn't and she has a wicked sense of smell. I eat shit at work. I use dry shampoo because I am too slovenly to wash my hair in the evening and too vain to face the office with wet hair. Mrs T is right, Perse is right, Oystergirl is right, we are all suffering from the same thing, but we all have a different take on what it is we suffer from and a different way of dealing with it. I used to cook beautiful meals for my family, I kept a clean and tidy house - now if I turn the oven on it's an achievement and the cobwebs in my house look like I'm trying to cultivate a new type of rope.

You are tired, your head is full of shit from work and day to day bollocks and you are the primary carer of two young boys; functioning becomes an art form.

Quite simply my darling Jaywalker, you Can't Be Arsed. I am reluctant to suggest some sort of solution for fear of sounding trite, I will say, however, that throwing yourself upon a bestfriend for a weekend, sans spawn & CFO might do you the power of good. It always works for me. You are not on your own kiddo, I promise. I love you for your honesty, it's why I come back here every evening. x

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I'm only here because of the Weepette, JW! Is he well? Is he taking his tablets? Is he wrapped up warm? Has he had his walk?! Has he gone caca?

Seriously, darling JW, these are normal feelings we all have from time to time, when we want sort of to be rescued from ourselves, loved, cossetted, and fed, as we were once by our beloved parents...
I feel some of it is linked to Churchill's black dogs of depression... I can only suggest as has been said, forcing yourself to do some of the things you know you enjoy doing (including cuddling Oscar and your lovely boys), talking more to the CFO (you've been through loads of late); I might suggest a grief counsellor (if you never did that before, as I recognise some of your feelings as natural 'adult orphan' kind of feelings - I know for I've had them).

Do whatever you need to help you through, JW - Look for spring lambs, book a small break together without the kids (if poss), get a trusted friend/baby-sitter in once a week for 'me time', arrange proper 'dates' with the CFO, write a list of what helps and do more of it...

In the end, no matter how many people we love or surround ourselves with, we are alone on this journey, and cannot depend on others for our happiness, or to fish us out of ditches, and you sometimes have to make it, or fake it, and then one day you'll look back and will forget you felt this way for a bit...
I hope some of what we all have to say helps - We're all here because we care about you...

tragicanon said...

i cried reading this, i miss my mum singing to me.. so much, it hurts too bad to say what she used to sing..
sometimes life feels so raw without her here.. i don't know a better word to describe it, and other times it just feels numb.. you never stop needing that person in your life
like today - i wish i could have heard her voice on the phone chastising me for forgetting to eat till dinner when i sat down with the remnants of all the christmas chocolate and scoffed until i had to loosen my skirt just to sit down comfortably..
but truth is, i'd probably be doing the exact same thing if she was here now, just rolling my eyes while i did it..

Sinda said...

Hm - I agree with Mrs. T and with Asitis - it's a crappy time AND it's the season. I felt like that myself very recently and once the leaves starting greening out I felt better. Oh, AND I heeded my yoga teacher's advice and spun around, CLOCKWISE, 9 times, once a day. I don't know why, but she said it would make me feel better and it did, it really did. I also drank ginger tea before meals on her advice, but I don't think chocolate eggs count for that one.

The other thing I've noticed, and Antonia said it very nicely yesterday, is that when I least want to interact with my children/family/job whatever, but then I close the browser and DO it, I feel much better. Just like LLL going to coffee with the blind date yesterday - sometimes making yourself be responsible helps you feel better about yourself and it's a GOOD catch-22 that builds upwards in a nice, good-feeling spiral.

And, lastly - this too shall pass.

Iheartfashion said...

Everyone else beat me to it and said it better.
And I love the song.

Z said...

Just for the sake of putting a different slant on it, it may be that you're readjusting your priorities, and the pendulum swings too far in the other direction before it stabilises. I mean, the whole wholegrain and vegetable thing and however many litres of water does get a bit boring after a while, however good it makes you feel.

Living in a houseful of blokes doesn't help, because they won't notice. It's not their fault. They are perfectly happy, most of them, to live on chocolate, meat and stodge and are just glad not to have to eat the veg.

If I didn't moisturise, most of the skin would fall off my face, but in the last month i've become disgracefully lax about washing my hair. I can't quite believe that I've managed to convince myself that greasy hair looks fine when slicked back. But I can't be sodding arsed. It'll be better when the spring is properly here. And in the meantime, it doesn't actually much matter. Nor does it matter that I haven't done any dusting yet this month. It'll all come off in one go, and who's going to bloody notice anyway?

I care if you don't wear a coat. I want you to be happy and healthy. Do take care of yourself, because you are beautiful and precious.

Red Shoes said...

Darling, I am far away from home, visiting my friend. I began to get horrible, headache today, as is usual for me. Rather than treat myself, I pretended it was not happening. It was getting worse. BF noticed and made me take migraine medicine "NOW! Take it NOW! You know it will not get better on its own!", go lay down in dark room even though we were intending to go out for sushi very shortly and I was claiming that I would be perfectly fine "in 15 minutes, I swear". When she came to wake me, an hour later, with kind words, I was so thankful I could have cried even thought the pain was gone. It was embarrassing and I felt like a child, but simultaneously, just so very, very thankful that she could see through my Be Brave act.

We see through yours too, you know. I wish I could come and make you take a nap and go get you lovely takeout and mother you stupidly and relentlessly. It is what friends are for, it seems. We are all just so damned far away! Bah, bah!

We should Twitter you some eating reminders. Low blood sugar is the devil's playground. I know from experience. Sending you hugs and scoldings. xx

mothership said...

Ok, just burst into tears at the song lyrics in the LIBRARY where I am forced to write today because they are fixing electricity or something inconvenient and boring. Upside is that today I am not actually wearing my usual uniform of pyjamas because you have to wear real clothes in public buildings and I did put another layer of mascara over the one that has been flaking off slowly since the last time I put some on (several days ago? can't remember)

I want someone to sing that song to ME TOO!
Funnily enough Husband does say things like that to me occasionally and then I get annoyed with him and say "What are you, my mother?"

I urge you, and with it, myself to remember to take small steps to take care of yourself and give yourself love. That is what you are suffering from.
It's lack of love.
Not the general love you get from a husband or a child. That kind is boy-love and it also comes with a need that you must fulfill.

You need the all-giving not-taking mother-love and she left it inside you. Now you must give it to yourself, for her sake and for yours.

Just do one thing each day in her honour and see if it starts to make you feel a little better.
I think you should start with a hot bubble bath, that way when you start bawling you are somewhere warm to wash away the tears.

My WV, in its curious, psychic way is flati

this is the problem, no?

rosiescribble said...

Gosh, there was so much I was goin to say but everyone else has said it alot better. Your post touched a nerve. I've battled with food for years and the self-loathing still returns occasionally and then I sound pretty much the same as you do in your post. You seem angry and sad and you need a hug and someome to tell you it'll be okay and you're okay. You'll already know that if you eat better you sleep better and think better. So if you can't take you're own advice - take mine, and take care.

Ali said...

You DO need someone to tell you you look too thin, to eat some veg and to wear your coat. Everyone needs that.My husband tries but needs frequent prompting as he is awfully crap. No bugger but your mother will ever really do it for you. Poor love.

I think it's positively healthy to go through a phase of not giving a shit about one's own health. All things in moderation, right? Right. So you must have a distinct phase of self-neglect and apathy when it comes to personal care in order to maintain balance. All things will be righted soon enough.

GingerB said...

Dear Emma, on behalf of you, for the sake of all that's holy, eat some veg, treat yourself to some fine cheese, get a new wig and a new soft sweater. Maybe put on a sweater that your mom made/bought for you? How about some socks with the lotion impregnated in the fabric, to soften the tootsies when you're too lame to get a pedicure?

As my daughter would say about you: "Her needs hers mommy back."

You also need a new song to be sung to you, maybe by your internet friends. AS a warning about the quality of my made up songs, this is what I sing to Claire:

Who's the girl who smiles without teeth? Claire! Claire the magnificent! Who's the girl who grows every week? Claire! Claire the Magnificent?

And it goes on . . .

What can we do for you, JW?

I'll start this off and maybe someone will help -

We all suck but Emma sucks less,
Even when her house has mess
Ennui can just get stuffed
For our girl we have such luv . . .

OK, I'm going to do myself a favor and get the f off the internet and back to the gym so my back will feel better ... hypothetical badly suggested songs have cheered me up, mightily!

pinklea said...

Sometimes it really sucks being a grownup. I have no advice for you, JW, but please do read what your other, wiser blog-buddies have written. There has got to be something in there that strikes a chord with you and will help - even if it's just knowing that others truly do care!

Wife in Hong Kong said...

A therapist once said to me when I was utterly exhausted: you can't pour from an empty jug. I think you are so used to giving to your boys and giving to the weepette and entertaining us and giving to the C of E and the CFO that all your own needs have got completely lost. I suspect your lovely mum wasn't pouring from an empty jug when she sang to you. You need to win back enough "me time" to start caring again, in small steps, so that you can claw back a little of each day from yourself from all those needy suckers. Could you get some help in the house so that tidying up is removed from your daily grind? Or a dog walker? Anything that would free you up for you to do something to start refilling your jug. I think the CFO needs to take you out for a lovely meal which includes lots of delicious fresh salad and veg (always more attractive when prepared by someone else) and then you can point out to him that you need some help in the house and a regular babysitting slot to give you some time to yourself. Now I have Hong Kong waffled on for far too long and the only thing I have left to say is I am utterly gobsmacked by Mrs Trefusis' comment that her hair hasn't seen a hairdryer in weeks. With that photo? That hairdo? Mrs Trefusis, pull yourself together and set us all a good example. You have standards to maintain!

Jaywalker said...

Mrs T- thank you sweetest one. You too. Get that hair blowdried. I am changing out of these M&S stained trousers, and not just because I just knelt in a pool of dog wee.

Persephone - God, the thought of moisturising my feet just nearly sent me straight back to bed! But the timing thing is interesting.

Bonnie-ann - it's excellent. You have a gift for this. You could set up an online gentle nagging service.

Screamish - you see, I think you get the prize for discerning the hidden motive. It's exactly that, I think. A way of being irresponisble and not in charge. Are you secretly a psychiatrist? You should be.

Oystergirl - I know! Fresh air! I can feel my teenage self going into a paroxysm of scorn and disgust at the idea. The weepette is good for this, thankfully.

Asitis - It is. It is too much effort. I would rather sit dirty and hunched in front of my computer for hours writing about it. Stupid, much?

KP - the link takes you to the original on you tube. It is such a lovely song. I want to live in your house anyway, as you well know.

jaimehwkns - we should all get to be little again now and then. Not like those men who dress up in babygros and nappies though. That's just disturbing.

Maggie - I do like fake it until it's real. I can do pretending. Also, thank you.

katyboo - that sounds perfect, I accept. Soup in envelope AND coming to be nagged.

Sue - CBA! It is, it is! Ah, the wisdom of the youth of Cheshire. Have instantly adopted this. Thank you for that, and for being so lovely.

Woman - he has a small scratch on his leg, but otherwise I promise he is fine. Very wise and thoughtful things you say.

tragicanon - oh, I'm so sorry. It's shit, isn't it? Sending you huge hugs and stop eating that shitty chocolate (pot, kettle).

Sinda - spinning round, you say? Hmm.

Z - yes, that thought was in my head too but didn't quite make it out. I LIKE that I no longer view chocolate and butter as the work of satan. I like that I attach much less emotional weight to food. That is very good and positive. Just, happy medium possible? Apparently not for me. Thank you for lovely coat wearing thoughts.

RedShoes - it is, isn't it (low blood sugar)? And Lashes, it turns out, is exactly the same. Behaving like something from exorcist? Give him a biscuit. Hope your head is better. The food at IBFs! My mouth watered, except perhaps at the fish head soup.

Mothership - you made me cry too. we are even. bwah. lovely things you say.

rosiescribble - crap food problems. CRAP. But thank you I will really try. I will.

Ali - I know, it's just not their job, is it? It's hardwired into your mum. Hope pendulum eventually stops somewhere sensible.

GingerB - I just know that when she is big Claire will remember your songs. I love mine. LOVE. Will sing it to myself in the BATH I am about to have. Yes!

pinklea - it does suck. And I go wah wah wah to you then I feel better and pull myself together and hopefully even brush my teeth. So thank you.

Wife in HK - am ashamed to admit we have a cleaner once a week already. Poor woman barely scratches the surface and I follow her around begging her not to resign... Thank you for lovely thoughts though I don't feel terribly giving. I feel stupid and selfish.

Mya said...

Perhaps some support at home would help? In a Mary Poppins type way, not a Julie T Wallace 'Life and Loves of a She Devil' fashion. More than anything, you sound like you need to stop.
Not washing isn't all bad - you'll get a seat easily on the tram. Not eating, however, isn't really an option, I'm afraid - I wish I were there, I could pack you up a lunch in a little box. Please make sure you eat regularly - and NOT carp, crap even! One final tip. For what it's worth, the one thing that always sorts me out when I am feeling fragile and breakable, is a swim. Never fails. Dunno why.

Mya x

Laura Jane said...

What they all said, Emma...

Oh cripes hon, you are in a funk. CBA plus mumless, and BTW has the CFO had his eyes checked lately or is he absent?

I am very worried about you. I am scolding you gently, scrubbing you in the bath and hugging you dry. Then dressing you in soft fabulous clean clothes and feeding you a bowl of wonder-Soup, made for comforting sad souls. Lastly, you are to be tucked into a fresh bed and read to (a story of your comforting choice), before singing you to sleep.

You will be woken with breakfast in bed, with a flower on the tray.

And you deserve it all. Wish I could deliver.

DO Take Care dear one.

Juci said...

In the immortal words of BZA at Fuck You, Penguin: Moisturize, Tortoise Owner Lady. For the rest, I'll write an e-mail.

Mud in the City said...

JW - so many people love you and are sending you positive vibes. If we all provide one piece of advice (get some vitamin C!) then you can follow one a day until spring has sprung and you get your mojo back.

In the meantime, you are not alone.

Buy a bunch of spring flowers to see that the drear winter is over and fondle the silky weepette. If he could tell you to look after yourself, he would.

Mrs C said...

Thank you for posting this. I feel better about my own C.B.A. syndrome.

I'm hoping that in a few weeks, once the weather has become more constant, then my humour will too.

Anonymous said...

My mother died nearly two years ago and although sometimes it felt like I hated to love her and loved to hate her - I miss her like crazy.

She was the only person in my life who would have done absolutely anything for me at the drop of a hat.

Anonymous said...

Meant to add that I'm volunteering to be your jewish mother (if you should want one). Will send best bagels in London to you and chicken soup.

Kate said...

I hope that things will find a nice equilibrium for you soon. I won't insult you by saying that I understand missing your mom like that, because my mom is still around. And being my biggest supporter, helper, annoyer, not to mention full-time employee, I can only imagine what a hole would be left in my life if she weren't there. The only thing worse than losing my mom (that I can imagine) would be losing my child.

If it's any comfort, I take terrible care of myself too. I don't drink enough. Some days I don't even eat until dinner. And some days, I just have a snack here and there and no dinner at all. And vegetables? I think I've heard of them. I brushed my teeth this morning for the first time in longer than I would like to admit and I didn't do it for the full 2 minutes of my electric toothbrush. I keep trying to remind myself that if I can't take care of myself for me, I should at least do it for my daughter so she has me around for as long as possible. It's not working yet. Every day I say "tomorrow, I'll eat better. tomorrow, I'll sleep"

hugs to you.

bonnie-ann black said...

JW: as the oldest of 8 children, aunt to multitudes and semi-parent to two boys (now grown), i do have much experience in the fussing/scolding school of caring. or, as my father says, "i shout because i care!" i'm also very good at sending care packages to the ailing -- though never one so far. send me your address in my email address and i will send you things to soothe and comfort you.

oooh. my word is "unlit" -- the darkness in which poor JW finds herself (although after reading this morning's entry, perhaps it's only semi-darkness now).

Jaywalker said...

Mya - I do eat. It's just mainly chocolate or crackers. Carp would be horrible. Full of bones, isn't it? A Mya packed lunch would be much nicer.

Laura Jane - Oh, I so wish you could too! Damn Belgium, being in the wrong hemisphere. It was a very soothing and delightful vision to read though, so thank you so much. xxx

Juci - you are lovely. Thank you for email offer. Angel. Will reply tomorrow when know who is where when.

Mud - I had a lovely half hour with Grazia and sleeping weepette. Desire to bite his ears was weirdly strong. I must be missing some essential vitamin?

Mrs C - we will emerge, blinking, into the daylight eventually. Courage.

Anon - it's crap. It really is. Poor you. And a big yes to baaageeels. Mmmm.

Kate - you are clearly as bad as me. Join my pact with Mothership. We are trying to do one looky aftery thing a day.

bonnie-ann - really? you are an angel. Shout!

bonnie-ann black said...

yes, REALLY! send me the address! don't make me have to wash your face with the cold flannel, now.

Jaywalker said...

But how do I find you, Bonnie Ann, before you come and get me with the washcloth (which I am frequently tempted by now)?

bonnie-ann black said...

i shall find you -- my little JW. cold wash cloth in hand, i shall stalk... er, stride, the streets of europe until i find your sad and folorn little body, lying on a chaise lounge of death -- and then i will bully you into health!

Jaywalker said...

Please hurry Bonnie-Ann. I had cornflakes for dinner..

Completely Alienne said...

I have been off line for about a week and this was the first post I read; I got as far as jaimehwkns comment and dissolved into tears.

I do understand how you feel, and it is only having to go to work and keep up appearances for two uber critical and stressed out teenagers that keeps me going sometimes.

I hope Bonnie-Ann has found you now with her flannel and, in the meantime would recommend that at least you try for Fruit and Nut as you can get one of your fruit and veg portions that way.

I am going off for a proper cry now.

Helena said...

I have a friend who says he has had his greens if he's had a mint aero.
As you get older I can recommend daughters for looking after you. I guess that's not very helpful for either of us, although hopefully my Mum appreciates it. I know hers did.