Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Thankful 'hysteria' no longer an accepted diagnosis

All I have for you tonight (it's late and I watched Nouvelle Star and did homework until we both cried and watched the weepette make craven love to an admittedly BEAUTIFUL Mexican young gentleman in the park), is a few snippets from my recent conversation with my new mystery penpal, who is probably going to do a guest post soon. She's lovely like that. (M, jump in if I misremembered anything).

E: Lashes expressed a desire for a Komodo dragon this weekend.

M: Well that would sort out the existential angst problem.

E: What, you mean with the eating alive thing? I suppose. Kill or cure.

M: Kill THEN cure.

E: It would look great on a lead though.

M: There was a man in Edinburgh who took a baby hippo for walks on a lead.

E: Well, there, now, you have spoilt my evening ENTIRELY. Why does he get a baby hippo? Not fair.

M: I imagine them to be very symmetrical and smooth.

E: You think? Have you ever seen Monifa? Look her up on you tube. Monifa, baby pymy hippo


...


M: Leathery. And she looks like she would definitely chew up your shoes.


E: You think? I might be cured. BMF thought she would probably smell very bad too. I am reminded, I was going to offer you the weepette to eat.


M: Why? Bad things?


E: Constant acts of low level stupidity and destruction. It is a very annoying creature.



M: The silkiness must be frustrating.



E: Oh, exactly. So hard to get angry with something that curls itself into a small, submissive, silky ball and stares at you so reproachfully.



M: Those eyes. So cowardly! So loving.



E: Less loving, more craven.



M: When my sister sees a pink millepede on a screen, she can't move at all. She is totally immobilised.



E: That could be SO useful if you were having a ninja combat with her. Just, flash her the millipede and take advantage of her frozen state to deal a deathly blow. I watch too much Pokémon, don't I?



M: Waving arms. Funny.



E: What is your sister like?



M: This:








E: The eyes! I am fearful. Mine more like this:





Small, lots of hair. Sleeps a lot.


M: But eyes are open! Surely wrong. Or at least, very rare.

E: That is quite true. Perhaps contemplating a cabbage. Will search for something more accurate. This?



......

I am sorry. I was just starting to write something else entirely when life caught up with me in various turgid ways and now it is midnight and the OCD says I must post, but the brain says 'nooooo, not with the thinking and the words and the typing and the giant cake shaped like a tiger pen to be made tomorrow'. I will do better tomorrow, I promise. Sorry! Sorry! Going to self-flagellate with extension cords and twigs and Portugese ribbons. The latter should be quite pleasant.

17 comments:

Mr Farty said...

Aargh! The cuteness! It burns!

M. said...

I prefer 'unhinged'.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Wait, I think I might be on the wrong blog - Is this I Can Haz Cheezburger?! All cuteness and funny quips?

I noted there was mention of a Weepette after all, but no photo of one. Must go and search for real Belgian Waffling...

Jaywalker said...

Some days, Woman, there is simply NO WAFFLE LEFT. And then we must fall back on googly eyes small creatures.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

I can see that it's 'just nonsense really' but after anevening of Madame de Sade followed by a very intense conversation about Racine and Kabuki, I can't tell you how grateful I am for the baby sloth in a towel.

katyboo1 said...

The creature on the finger looks like an aged Japanese person. Do they shrink them down when they hit eighty to avoid overcrowding in old people's homes? This could be great grandfather about to be fed with ink dropper by his nurse perhaps?

Sorry. It's late and I have been to see new counsellor today. Cried for two hours and cannot compute properly.

Found your post very soothing. Am relieved it did not make me cry.

redfox said...

I hear hippos are very ill-tempered. Pity. Perhaps I should get a miniature bull to walk around town. What do you think? (I like the rancher fellow's narrative voiceover and indeed felt compelled to watch every single video on that site.)

Jools said...

Oh Em, I need cheering up. My youngest didn't get into any of her preferred choice universities. (Rough year numbers wise) I of course feel at fault for not making her apply to more schools. Big partying uni by the sea? Or small geeky well respected college in the middle of nowhere? Couple of other choices but I'm feeling to ill to recount.......xo

Liberty London Girl said...

Am sitting in very strange intenet cafe in downtown Santa Barbara - no inherent glamour here, suffering from same OCD compulsion to post. GAH LLGxx

Juci said...

Erm, it's totally unrelated to the post, but I'm thinking you might relate to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7R9SFBLvIk

Mya said...

Billy Bob Thornton - (Angelina's ex) has a terible fear of komodo dragons - this is true....I'm not making it up (even though I would be perfectly entitled to, it being 1st April an' all.)

Mya x

Completely Alienne said...

The little monkey thing is sooo lovely. I want one of them.

The problem with baby hippos is they will grow into adult hippos - and even pigmy ones will get bigger. Bigger than weeppettes. I think they probably are bad tempered - apparently hippos kill more people every year than lions.

fabhat said...

I'm so sorry I gave your Monifa to the dinos to eat. Can I offer you the overstuffed walrus of the Horniman magazine as a temporary replacement? Or these cute creatures...
http://3quarksdaily.blogs.com/3quarksdaily/2006/09/albino_pygmy_mo.html

Jaywalker said...

Mr F - cover your face, the cuteness dazzles.

M - yes, that would work. Imagining us sharing a party wall in neighbouring cells in C19, gibbering and getting occasionally beaten.

Mrs T - you are a better woman than I am. But then, I knew that already. Still no parcel?

katyboo - if they shrunk us that small, the carers couldn't be bothered to beat us. Excellent plan. Get your cousin on it please.

redfox - damn you giving me a new obsession! Miniature bull videos, and once more my life has a semblance of meaning.

Jools - poor you and poor her. I vote the geeks. We shall inherit the earth you know.

LLG - we really are fools, aren't we? Ah well.

Juci - wow. who is that woman because she is completely epic. Amazing.

Mya - that's quite a manageable phobia though, isn't it? Not like, say, leaves. I saw that on BBC 3 once and nearly died laughing.

CA - but I am very bad tempered too, so the hippo and I could be the scourge of the neighbourhood and rival ninja housecoat?

fabhat - noooooooo. So damn sweet. Aaargh.

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