Thursday, 12 March 2009

Legs, the mystery object, ceaseless drilling

Thank you all for yesterday. I am currently dressed, and not in the M&S trousers of shame, which finally went beyond the pale on a trip to the parc du caca this morning, but in an APC black mini (too short, but only Oscar can see that), clean tights with only one visible hole, black smock top thing (I know, very 2007. But so forgiving) black Pierre Hardy patent Gap flats (Outrageously comfortable. Wonder if his 'proper' shoes are too?) with interesting clump of mud on the side. I have brushed my teeth and eaten some fruit. No make up or moisturiser but it's a start, right? And when I moved a pile of papers to think about paying some bills, I found an unread copy of Grazia. Fortune favours the brave, you see.

Better still, Grazia has revived my waning interest in comparative cellulite studies with its entirely believable claim "Thinner thighs in nine minutes!". The answer lies not, as one might imagine, in a shark mauling, but in Adonia LegTone Serum. I have had a crisis of faith in the fanciful claims of fat eating cream manufacturers recently, and a brand new and very medical looking set of phials and syringey looking things from Clarins in the window of Paris XL (crap name for Belgian Sephora-alikey) barely merited a cursory glance. But this comes with all the kinds of nonsensical pseudo scientific nonsense I love and convincing Before and After pictures of mottled real life thighs. Marvellous! I am Very Keen. What with this, plus Mothership turning me on to the apparent magic of Latisse *(not a type of pastry, but a magical product to make eyelashes out of nothing), perhaps the wilderness years of cosmetic doubt are coming to an end?


Enough of that. Competition time! Well, quiz time. I'm not promising a prize because I usually forget, and what with the Post Office phobia, the chances of me delivering on any such promise are slim. Grit's advent prize got returned to me after the bottle of gin broke in transit and the remains are still sitting here, reproachful and gin stained, in a jiffy bag.


Question: What is this? And what should I do with it?







Here, another view for scale (and gratuitous weepette action for Liberty London Girl):







If you all think Oscar's collar is ghastly, I absolutely agree. The weepette breeder sold me it while I was high on puppy crack. 'They need special collars' she told me, supressing a smirk 'because of their small heads'. Riiight. So here we all are with a delightful red pleather collar with small fleur de lys details in flaking gold coloured plastic.


Best answers may or may not win something. Correct answers too. Making me laugh is at a particular premium given that this is the view from my front door right now.



It's like that as far as the eye can see in both directions. We stopped to admire a giant abandoned pneumatic drill this morning on the way to school, and inevitably Damien the corner shop groper lurched by and winked at me suggestively. I pretended not to see.

I might be back later with something else. Who knows? Uncertainty is our daily bread these days. Belgian Waffle is no different.



*This is not an infomercial or a sponsored post, sadly, though clearly my priniciples would melt away faster than orange peel skin if they were to offer me free samples. I am putting the links in purely for your amusement.

31 comments:

Halfwaythere said...

I'm going for a rather sad, ancient and neglected celeriac, because today I cannot muster even an ounce of hilarity or imagination.

Poor celeriac, if that is indeed what it is. They normally last for months unchanged.

indigo16 said...

I am assuming that Osacar's food tastes so utterly vile that he has taken to making cottage loaves whilst you are out?
Or
is it some kind of wonder truffle that Oscar cleaverly foraged in the local park. Generously donnating it to you so that you can sell it for an exorbitent sum; then treat yourself to the (quite obvious it works, a picture cannot lie) cellulite cream?

sue said...

Is it a science experiment? Did one of the boys get a task to put something in a cupboard for a week to see how mouldy it would get and then you forgot about it and it has been in the cupboard for months which might now have caused a rat problem?

Is it home made bread that you put in the salad crisper to keep the moths away? Give it to a sick person, it will cure them.

Juci said...

Oh. Oh. Oh. (Those are the sounds of me going into shock at the sight of the THING.) Is that mould or ice? Please say it's ice. In that case, I'd say you took some sort of pastry, broke it up into small pieces, then assembled a ball out of it, then refrigerated it. Although why you would want to do such a thing beats the shit out of me.
Please remove it from your household. Whatever it is, it is evil. If that should prove tricky, use the magic word 'hopprook' as suggested by WV.

Jeannette said...

Hey, that seriously looks like mutuant cramique but I'm really only writing because my street looks like that too, only with diggers shifting piles of paving stones starting at 7 am....

Sinda said...

When in doubt, ask a child. I've asked mine, to varying response:

A brain?

The inside of someone's stomach?

A really big / cool fossil?

A brain with cancer?

A giant boulder?

(After this guess, I opened the picture with the Weepette)

A big throw-up ball?

A squeaky toy?

And now, my own guess - I also thought celeriac at first, but upon closer inspection, I think it's a ball of dough gone moldy next to some veg. I'm quite sure I've had one of those myself.

I can't believe you won't post it to me if 'm right - that's so unfair.

Mud in the City said...

I'm going with ambergris. Which is lucky - because it is worth a fortune. It must have been cunningly snaffled by Oscar the ambergris seeking weepette.

Obviously.

Liberty London Girl said...

Many thanks for the weepette porn. Am obviously being rewarded for waking before midday. I can also see that we are going to have to find you a proper weepette collar.

LLGxx

Mrs Jones said...

I like ambergris but you need a handy whale for that, so I'm going for a bezoar stone (http://www.jjkent.com/articles/tales-bezoar-stones.htm), as goats are far more portable. Well, it's that or a mouldy celeriac.

As for the weepette's collar, this lady can make one from fabric you supply although the selection on this page is bitchin': http://www.cascollars.com/collarspg1.htm

Perhaps you could get her to make one with a mini Alan Measles dangling from it?

monk said...

I can see a dancing man with big hair and one camp hand, and flowing white moustaches.

I think you've got yourself a religious relic there. Wipe that lone wilted spinach leaf off immediately, or its value will plummet and you'll be condemned to eternal, mouldy, damnation

(wv ispredl. I think that's his name)

MsPrufrock said...

I have no imaginative guesses, but I do know that I instantly regretted opening the photo in a larger size. As someone with a neverending cold I'm quite convinced that a similar object has emerged from my nasal passage within the past few days, so this image just struck a bit too close to home.

I need to go lay down.

katyboo1 said...

Is it a giant weepette pile because Oscar was naughty and sat on the wet grass too long at the parc de caca?

Either that or he has caught your obsession with giant brains and has been secretly weaving one out of his own fur while you have been away. He will be putting it in for the Turner Prize as soon as he grows opposable thumbs.

Iheartfashion said...

Does it have any connection to the self-rising flour from Prog Rock Step Dad? It seems vaguely bread-like to me, with a whiff of vegetation. I have to admit I have no idea what a celeriac is, or even what nutritional category it belongs to.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

I know exactly what it bloody is - it's my spare bloody cellulite. How did it make its way to your house? Maybe it slunk off after I removed it with the special Adonia leg tone serum. I didn't think it was working, but now I see it has
xx

A Woman Of No Importance said...

JW, that is an evil-looking motherf***er, but it is defo a long-gone-scabrous pastry, pissibly a former croissant...

Now it is merely a Weepette-tease, obviously - Were you teasing him with the thought that his brain might well grow to that size one day, provided he keeps eating his crusts?!

Glad you are feeling a little more like you, even with gratuitous advertising sponsorship deals beckoning (fingers crossed!) Seriously, it worked for Lauren Luke, doing make-up vids on Youtube - Got her teeth fixed and all sorts of things - Very successful! xxx

Titian red said...

Obv really - Lashes and Fingers had decided to leave home and made themselves Dick Whittingtonalike handkerchief parcels with dough and stuff, but then decided not to go, as you provided chocolate like the good mother you are......? (NB. Package should be checked for Pokemon cards)

Halfwaythere said...

Am commenting again only for the wv which is too good not to be used:

noses

Like those used to smell mystery object?

Thinks...

Wife in Hong Kong said...

A brain? A hibernating tortoise? The remains of some prehistoric attempt at cake? Something Lashes and Fingers made at school? A moth nest? Something you found in the fridge when you went looking for vegetables? The mind boggles and Oscar looks decidedly nervous.

bonnie-ann black said...

it *wants* to make us think it is a shriveled up canteloupe, studded with bits of cement from the endless construction (or re-construction) of brussels, when what it actually is is the remainders of a meal eaten by a Slitheen -- in other words, left over digested bits of humans. fortunately, it is completely sterilized by the time it reaches the extrusion area of a Slitheen. it might smell a bit, but that's only gastric juices.

either that or it really *is* a shrivelled up canteloupe studded with construction (or, re-construction) debris.

PS: my word is "ingstst" which makes me think the Slitheen thing is correct.

justme said...

Looks like something you might find in my bread bin.......not at all nice!
My word ver is 'dipsy'! How appropriate. Pretty much how I feel today.

twin palms road said...

Belgian bun?

Persephone said...

My word verification claims it's an "allobbid" which I believe is a fossilized dropping from the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Dear heaven. The top looks vaguely bread-like, the bottom looks cement-like and the object appears to have spinach wedged where its teeth should be. Did you retrieve it from the road-workings on your street? Whatever it is, it would make a formidable missile and could do some appreciable damage. For what it's worth, there is much worse stuff emerging from the slowly diminishing glaciers and piles of filthy snows on the streets in Ottawa. Mind you, I haven't actually brought any of those objects inside.

Anonymous said...

Definitely a Tribble !!

(WV bleoph - needs a 'with you' on the end really)

Juci said...

I just had a horrible revelation. It is your unborn twin that has been giving you all that pain in your knee. But now advanced science has, at last, rid you from it, and maybe the voices in your head will stop too.
(Sorry.)

mothership said...

Dude! You're so ON the fruit and soup thing. I'm feeling inadequate, must find some real clothes and think of some nurturing thing to do for self now.
May consider flossing to up the stakes.

I have no idea what that thing is.
An ancient deflated meringue with a piece of italian parsley stuck in it?

Jaywalker said...

I am saying nothing. Well, I am saying that I am saying nothing. Is that your final answer on The Object?

Jools said...

All my guesses have been covered. But I'm still going with fossilus vomitus.

xo

pinkgecko said...

Did you get that out of my bread bin? I knew I'd baked a loaf last week. The dying bit of lettuce just finishes it off.

Mya said...

It's either a scrofulous tortoise or a an ogre's winnet. Whichever, I think you should get it out of your house immediately.

Mya x
Glad you're feeling a little better.

Jaywalker said...

Bonjour internet, you have all made me laugh a LOT. I will now reveal the identity of the mystery object.

The winner is ...

Halfwaythere! First commenter and an uncanny eye for a mouldy fossilised celeriac. Halfwaythere, send me your address and sometime in 2011 you might receive a squashed, dismembered package.

indigo - if old tissues were valuable I would have a priceless treasure on my hand. Sadly, not.

sue - I might try throwing it at moths?

Juci, I liked yours, because very accurately reflects how it looks. However, mould not ice. Sorry. also your body shock idea about it being my unborn twin is very channel 5. I like.

Jeannette - they are everywhere! I tell you, Herman de Rompuy has a plan.

Sinda - your children are geniuses! And so are you celeriac woman!

Mud - I did not know what ambergris is. Some kind of whale vomit I now learn. Thank you for that.

LLG - ooh, please! Tell me where to get a stylish one that does not make him look even more stupid than he actually is.

Mrs Jones - a stone from a goat's eye?! you people are on drugs! gah. Interesting collars. I am not sure I see Oscar as a surfer dude. More of an accountant. Do they do a nice pale blue pinstripe? With pens in pocket detail?

monk - have you been hanging out at some crack den in Schaerbeek again? Stop it.

MsPrufrock - never a good idea to enlarge photos on these pages. You never know what horrors may be lurking in background.

katyboo - it did look a little brainlike. Wife in Hong Kong sent me a brain cake recipe (looked like! not made of!) and this looks a bit like my tragically disastrous attempt to do it.

Iheart - in this house celeriac has NO nutritional value. It is a ritual sacrifice to the fridge gods. This is the last of 3 I have thrown out recently.

Mrs Trefusis - call it off! Call your damn cellulite off. If it gets together with mine and they breed, imagine the horror.

Woman - I would love a lucrative sponsorship deal. In the meantime i have a fossilised celeriac. ah well.

Titian - thank goodness I have surgical gloves. will check the mass for poké powers.

Wife - that dog is a complete wimp. Honestly, if he can't cope with a bit of rotting vegetable matter, he has no place in this house. He is also resisting the CFO's attempts to train him to kill moths.

Bonnie-ann - I definitely see the body parts thing. Did you ever see SueBob's canteloupe? I reckon my celeriac could totally take it in a fight.

Persephone - what can I say. Mea culpa. I brought it inside in 2007 by the looks of it. Another poor decision.

Mothership - love how your children got sick to sabotage your attempts. Lashes is now sick too and keeps unscrewing hot water bottle in his bed, then wailing about it.

Jools - that's its name when it evolves, I think. Give it a couple more years.

Pinkgecko - yes! Perfectly accessorised. Rotting yes, but underdressed, never.

Mya - but it's the credit crunch! I can't throw it away. I am going to whittle it into a religious shape and sell it door to door.

SUEB0B said...

That is a fabulous celeriac! I am jealous of your food preservation skills.