Following the useful, but intensely gloomy advice on surviving long term relationships, co-parenting and compromise (as well as the woefully under-solicited but brilliant advice provided by ME on hamster capture), I have decided that I will share more advice. Yes, this contradicts exactly what I said yesterday. This is a slightly different kind of advice, however. This is advice on how to be monstrously slatternly and not be rounded up on the streets and placed in protective custody. I am well practised in this art.
I would tell male readers they would be bored and should go away now, but I don't think there are any, are there? Except G, and he plays badminton and deserves everything he gets.
Oh no! It's the morning, you are running late and there are no black opaque tights without holes (if you are wearing coloured tights or sheers you are obviously very dangerous and should indeed be rounded up and placed in protective custody. I am not enabling you.). We will leave aside the matter of whether they are clean or not. This is between you and your conscience (just let me say: noone will know. It will be fine). What to do? Two patented methods.
1. Put tights on. Go and find black marker pen (I buy them ten at a time from Hema, the Belgian Woolies. You may wonder why I don't buy ten pairs of black opaque tights at a time while I am there. Shut up.). Colour in the skin around the hole. Ensure you colour a fairly large area around the hole to account for movement/slippage. Voilà.
2. The "Emma's mum special". Put tights on. Put another pair of tights on on top. The likelihood of the holes being in exactly the same place is very low. Enjoy the confusion of anyone whose eye alights on your legs, which are mysteriously defying all physical laws like an Escher drawing. Brazen it out with a challenging, yet slightly flirtatious stare.
Hold ups that fall down
"Hold ups" (named by someone with a sick sense of humour) that fall down are worse than the plague. And leprosy. Combined. There is no way to truly protect yourself from the falling down hold up, and trying to tuck the offending thing into your knickers will only delay the cruel operation of gravity momentarily. Again, two suggestions.
1. Ensure you are wearing something with pockets, so you can, in a pinch, try and hold the hold up up with your hand in the aforementioned pocket. Yes, it looks indescribably sinister, but at least you are not left showing your blue white leg, and the flurry of dry skin flakes escaping from the inside of your hold up to the world. Ideally, of course, wear trousers, so you can allow the hold up to drift downwards until it is bumping companionably down by your ankle, but we must prepare for the worst.
2. Get into nearest loo. Claim you are about to vomit if necessary. Splash elastic top and thigh with water. This usually works., but if not just lie down on loo floor and feign death. Concerned bystanders will send you home in an ambulance, and then you can change your hold ups for a functioning pair. Or, even better, phone in sick and go back to bed.
3. Ooh! I have a third suggestion. Wear Spanx over the top. No hold up can wriggle out of the vice like grip of Spanx reinforced nylon. You will have to give up on breathing or eating for the day though, which is unfortunate.
Beauty 'regimes' for the chronically lazy
1. Do not get around to wearing moisturiser or make up, therefore never need to take it off. This is the easiest approach. Looking tremendously haglike also repels people on the tram, an additional bonus feature.
2. Keep all cosmetics and moisturiser at work. Most days putting on a little make up will seem vastly preferable to working. If feeling exceptionally buoyant and on top of things, consider keeping a packet of unscented baby wipes under your bed for removal of make up (they are also handy on the days that showering seems impossibly far fetched). This is far from essential, however. It usually comes off by itself eventually. On weekends revert to plan 1.
Bad hair days
The answer to bad hair is simple: get alopecia.
I almost never have bad hair days and am frequently praised for my excellent, reliable, shiny hair (almost as often as people as me whether I have cut my hair - why, no! But thank you for asking!). I can thoroughly recommend a wig as the ultimate low maintenance hair care regime unless you are also required to cook spicy food. Wigs seem to retain the smell of Mexican chicken like a bastard. Have two! Then one can be hung out to lose the Mexican chicken smell while you wear the other. If they are slightly different in cut and colour, you can reprise your tights confusion with your colleagues as they try to work out what is different about you. I mean, your hair can't be suddenly longer than yesterday can it? And a different colour? And then change back again the day after? It must be In Their Heads.
Alopecia is also excellent for the slattern as it entirely removes the issue of depilatories. I am perfectly smooth and hairless, like a naked mole rat, 365 days a year, no shaving, no waxing and no Nair.
For those of you not lucky enough to have alopecia, do provide your own suggestions in the comments.
Everything I own has a hole or is missing a button or has a giant chocolate stain right in the crotch so it looks like I am incontinent
Firstly, get dressed in the dark. It's always better not to know how disastrous things are before you leave the bedroom because if you realise you have nothing at all to wear, there is a very strong possibility you may just go back to bed and give up entirely. I am not saying this is always the wrong approach - far from it. Sometimes this is the only sane way to react. But let us say you have got yourself as far as your place of work and looked down to discover your hem is down, you are stained and your underwear is poking out of places it shouldn't be (I speak from bitter experience of this today, as I have found myself flashing most of the office my greying Rigby & Peller Hag Bra of orthopaedic doom). I have two words for you: office supplies.
Hems are easily repaired with a stapler. Double sided sticky tape stuck to the crucial parts of bra can assist with gape or slippage. Scrape off chocolate with your scissors, or if necessary colour over stains with your trusty black marker pen (consider it a slattern handbag essential, far more important than, say, keys or money. Slatterns should, of course, wear mainly black. Easier to colour over stains.). This is what office supplies are for. Also, those staple removers are excellent for last minute nail cleaning.
Anything that can't be fixed with office supplies must be brazened out. I have, with varying degrees of success:
- pretended the rip/hole/stain has 'just happened'
- put on an outrageous pair of shoes to deflect attention
- brazened it out. I rather like this one now. Yes, I am thirty four and my top is missing a button somewhere essential. Et alors?
You are grateful, non, mes petits chipolatas? If you have any additional suggestions, the comments box is waiting, breathless, to receive them.