Tuesday, 24 March 2009

The slattern's guide to faking adulthood

Following the useful, but intensely gloomy advice on surviving long term relationships, co-parenting and compromise (as well as the woefully under-solicited but brilliant advice provided by ME on hamster capture), I have decided that I will share more advice. Yes, this contradicts exactly what I said yesterday. This is a slightly different kind of advice, however. This is advice on how to be monstrously slatternly and not be rounded up on the streets and placed in protective custody. I am well practised in this art.

I would tell male readers they would be bored and should go away now, but I don't think there are any, are there? Except G, and he plays badminton and deserves everything he gets.


Oh no! It's the morning, you are running late and there are no black opaque tights without holes (if you are wearing coloured tights or sheers you are obviously very dangerous and should indeed be rounded up and placed in protective custody. I am not enabling you.). We will leave aside the matter of whether they are clean or not. This is between you and your conscience (just let me say: noone will know. It will be fine). What to do? Two patented methods.

1. Put tights on. Go and find black marker pen (I buy them ten at a time from Hema, the Belgian Woolies. You may wonder why I don't buy ten pairs of black opaque tights at a time while I am there. Shut up.). Colour in the skin around the hole. Ensure you colour a fairly large area around the hole to account for movement/slippage. VoilĂ .

2. The "Emma's mum special". Put tights on. Put another pair of tights on on top. The likelihood of the holes being in exactly the same place is very low. Enjoy the confusion of anyone whose eye alights on your legs, which are mysteriously defying all physical laws like an Escher drawing. Brazen it out with a challenging, yet slightly flirtatious stare.

Hold ups that fall down

"Hold ups" (named by someone with a sick sense of humour) that fall down are worse than the plague. And leprosy. Combined. There is no way to truly protect yourself from the falling down hold up, and trying to tuck the offending thing into your knickers will only delay the cruel operation of gravity momentarily. Again, two suggestions.

1. Ensure you are wearing something with pockets, so you can, in a pinch, try and hold the hold up up with your hand in the aforementioned pocket. Yes, it looks indescribably sinister, but at least you are not left showing your blue white leg, and the flurry of dry skin flakes escaping from the inside of your hold up to the world. Ideally, of course, wear trousers, so you can allow the hold up to drift downwards until it is bumping companionably down by your ankle, but we must prepare for the worst.

2. Get into nearest loo. Claim you are about to vomit if necessary. Splash elastic top and thigh with water. This usually works., but if not just lie down on loo floor and feign death. Concerned bystanders will send you home in an ambulance, and then you can change your hold ups for a functioning pair. Or, even better, phone in sick and go back to bed.

3. Ooh! I have a third suggestion. Wear Spanx over the top. No hold up can wriggle out of the vice like grip of Spanx reinforced nylon. You will have to give up on breathing or eating for the day though, which is unfortunate.

Beauty 'regimes' for the chronically lazy

1. Do not get around to wearing moisturiser or make up, therefore never need to take it off. This is the easiest approach. Looking tremendously haglike also repels people on the tram, an additional bonus feature.

2. Keep all cosmetics and moisturiser at work. Most days putting on a little make up will seem vastly preferable to working. If feeling exceptionally buoyant and on top of things, consider keeping a packet of unscented baby wipes under your bed for removal of make up (they are also handy on the days that showering seems impossibly far fetched). This is far from essential, however. It usually comes off by itself eventually. On weekends revert to plan 1.

Bad hair days

The answer to bad hair is simple: get alopecia.

I almost never have bad hair days and am frequently praised for my excellent, reliable, shiny hair (almost as often as people as me whether I have cut my hair - why, no! But thank you for asking!). I can thoroughly recommend a wig as the ultimate low maintenance hair care regime unless you are also required to cook spicy food. Wigs seem to retain the smell of Mexican chicken like a bastard. Have two! Then one can be hung out to lose the Mexican chicken smell while you wear the other. If they are slightly different in cut and colour, you can reprise your tights confusion with your colleagues as they try to work out what is different about you. I mean, your hair can't be suddenly longer than yesterday can it? And a different colour? And then change back again the day after? It must be In Their Heads.

Alopecia is also excellent for the slattern as it entirely removes the issue of depilatories. I am perfectly smooth and hairless, like a naked mole rat, 365 days a year, no shaving, no waxing and no Nair.


For those of you not lucky enough to have alopecia, do provide your own suggestions in the comments.

Everything I own has a hole or is missing a button or has a giant chocolate stain right in the crotch so it looks like I am incontinent

Firstly, get dressed in the dark. It's always better not to know how disastrous things are before you leave the bedroom because if you realise you have nothing at all to wear, there is a very strong possibility you may just go back to bed and give up entirely. I am not saying this is always the wrong approach - far from it. Sometimes this is the only sane way to react. But let us say you have got yourself as far as your place of work and looked down to discover your hem is down, you are stained and your underwear is poking out of places it shouldn't be (I speak from bitter experience of this today, as I have found myself flashing most of the office my greying Rigby & Peller Hag Bra of orthopaedic doom). I have two words for you: office supplies.

Hems are easily repaired with a stapler. Double sided sticky tape stuck to the crucial parts of bra can assist with gape or slippage. Scrape off chocolate with your scissors, or if necessary colour over stains with your trusty black marker pen (consider it a slattern handbag essential, far more important than, say, keys or money. Slatterns should, of course, wear mainly black. Easier to colour over stains.). This is what office supplies are for. Also, those staple removers are excellent for last minute nail cleaning.

Anything that can't be fixed with office supplies must be brazened out. I have, with varying degrees of success:

- pretended the rip/hole/stain has 'just happened'
- put on an outrageous pair of shoes to deflect attention
- brazened it out. I rather like this one now. Yes, I am thirty four and my top is missing a button somewhere essential. Et alors?

You are grateful, non, mes petits chipolatas? If you have any additional suggestions, the comments box is waiting, breathless, to receive them.


Alexa said...

I gasped aloud at the BRILLIANCE of the "tights over tights" strategy. Why have I never thought of this before?

I have no helpful suggestions of my own, as I rarely leave the house. Actually, I might be on to something there.

fourstar said...

As your #2 token male reader, I was most intrigued by this post and will be examining my female colleagues more closely.

Er, that sounded bad...

Mrs Jones said...

Tights over tights? Recipe for thrush, I feel. Tights under trousers? NO, NO, NO. That's what popsocks were invented for. Clear nail varnish painted over a ladder will stop it getting worse.

Also, do you wash your wigs by hand with shampoo 'n' that? Or stick them in the washing machine? I'm disappointed you have no Vegas showgirl wigs. You need some of these in your life - I'm MASSIVELY tempted: http://empressbiancawigs.com/superbigwigs.html

M. said...

Waaaaaah - so many suggestions, but stupid budget airline awaits.
Let me say this: last month's Elle UK *RECOMMENDED* wearing two pair of high street tights to "get that designer hosiery look".

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Now I understand. Why you only buy black dresses.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

Stop making me laugh so much. O' m frightened it will male my Botox wear off quicker. Sorry about spelling x

Sarah said...

Is there any task a baby-wipe is not equal to? I use them for emergency house-cleaning, along with a massive supply of IKEA decorative fold-flat cardboard boxes. Unexpected visitors in the offing? Just open up a fresh pack of boxes, unfold, sweep any clutter straight in, then stash in the garage if possible; followed by a quick swab-down of all surfaces with the wipes. I suppose that's nothing to do with fashion though- here's an additional double-tights tip: if you don't fancy two full layers of tights, and both pairs have holes only in one leg, you can cut off the offending tight-legs and wear the remaining ones- double tummy-sucking support, but only one thickness where it shows.

redfox said...

How right you are that applying cosmetics seems vastly preferable to working. The drawer of my desk that is supposed to hold staples and scissors and that sort of thing is already instead stuffed with powder, deodorant, lip gloss, visine, and the like.

Sadly it does not contain a lint removal device, which it certainly ought to. As a proper slattern, I do wear a lot of black, but the trouble with black and slovenliness is lint lint linty lint does something that hairy and copious even qualify as lint? lint lint and more lint. Also, for those of us without either alopecia or conveniently black hair, sheddings. Hairy lint and linty hair, the perfect accessories for any outfit.

What I would most like to know is just how I manage to spend so much money on clothing and grooming products while also looking so resolutely unchic and ungroomed.

katyboo1 said...

Office supplies again for lint. Cover self in strips of sellotape, rip off, voila, lint removal plus fun.

Hold ups can be secured with a small coin tucked into the top of the hold up, twisted round and then tucked in at the top. Do not blame me when it shoots out on a bus and kills someone. Do not blame me when you get thrombosis. It is for emergencies only.

the two tights thing can be extended to stainage. Wearing layers that contrast stains and holes. Also, although bulky it makes it hard to distinguish what is fabric and what is bulging flesh. Very important in my case. 90% is flesh but who's going to get close enough to find out.

Smashing encrusted stains with a rolling pin or other heavy household object can also help. I got it from the handy household hints section in Viz.

Ink and Indigo said...

I find splitting my tights into 'area of hole' sections works wonders - tights to wear with knee high boots, tights to wear with knee length skirts, tights to wear if you're sure no one will be staring at your crotch that day.

I too keep wet wipes handy for when I can't be bothered to wash. I am terrible though, and sometimes smudge yesterdays eye make up so it looks like I have put 'smoky' eyeshadow on.

G said...

Truly enlightening. Jaywalker, today you have not only taught me how to catch a fugitive hamster, but have also let me in on some of the sisters' sartorial secrets.
Where else could I learn such things? Nowhere, JW, nowhere. I thank you.

Tea said...

I have no helpful suggestions. I also have the problem of too much hair - to the point that it falls out all over everything, clogging up vacuum cleaners, drains, and cats - and it never appears to be any less. So I cover it up. Scarves and bits of cloth are my closest friends.

I would love to have a couple wigs hanging around. A few years ago, I bleached my hair a couple times too many in the span of two weeks and it started falling out in clumps. I was terribly excited about it all falling out just so I could get a cool wig. Sadly, it never happened. And when I did eventually shave my head, I couldn't afford a wig. Alas.

fabhat said...

Ink and indigo - I do both those things. Gave up on the tights coding system though when I got confused about which end of the tights were acceptable and spent a whole day wandering around with a massive hole in the back of the calf (these tights were for boots only wear, not knee length skirt wear as I had thought).I have also done the magic marker thing, but my husband complains when I do it now.
My tips: Dry shampoo in a can - recent discovery, but really so good.
Best tip of all (I think you'll like this one Jaywalker) when you break your shoe very obviously on the way to an important meeting, simply buy anther pair of shoes on the way. Pref somewhere so expensive you would never normally even go in - but needs must! Slattern and spendaholic in one easy step...

fabhat said...

Ooh and I forgot - if you have to have hair, have slightly wild curlish hair that looks much worse when you brush it that when you don't. Ta da! Perfect excuse for never brushing your hair.

Ink and Indigo said...

Fabhat, are you me? Before I discovered dry shampoo existed, I used to brush talc through my hair, which worked, but left me looking slightly older. And it took longer than actually washing it but that is NOT THE POINT.

fabhat said...

Ink and Indigo - I am beginning to think maybe I am. Should we meld and become Fab Ink and Indigo Hat?

Asitis said...

Excellent tips. Have just one word of caution concerning utilising contents of office stationary cupboard. When using stapler to mend hems, ensure back of stapler in correct place prior to pushing down. Had to endure lengthy taxi journey with ankle spouting copious amounts of blood and hem attached, nay, fastened to right ankle. Not only, so not a good look, but it bloody hurts too! Also, try to make sure staples are of the black, matt variety as light metal not only catches light, hideously, but shows up blood more, alot more.
My God, I sound like an expert on such slovenly matters. Oh well, *sighs*

Omega Mum said...

As far as those embarrassing stains are concerned, my tip here is to drink sufficient to ensure that you are actually incontinent. Misleading (as opposed to honest-to-God genuine article) stains are thus no longer a problem. Though I can recommend an emergency scratch and sniff kit if doubters linger.

sue said...

The dry shampoo and the sellotape lint remover are already taken. I therefore offer you these slatternly nuggets: why have those expensive items of clothing dry cleaned at the weekend when on Monday morning, head full of fug, you can Febreeze everything and go to work in a confident fashion (ish). Nothing will ever smell of burnt dinner or cigarettes again! I wear tights and trousers all the time for belly-keeping-in purposes, however there is always the added joy of static - if you do end up with staticky legs, rub a little moisturiser up and down your hoisery clad legs, static begone!

Titian red said...

Stapling up hems should always be done with the two bits of staple on the outside of the hem, there is less to felt tip over so they aren't shiny AND the sharp bits can't snag your tights.
Have been known to put jumpers on back to front so at least I can't see stain. Felt tip covers the scuffs on my heels and tippex thinners is good to polish patent (Would hesitate to recommend it for anything else.........)

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I sense a realistic Grazia column coming on - 'Ask The Slattern'.

As one myself, and proud to be, I have done the staples on hems of trousers - In fact I have three pairs of black work troos (why 3?) which need to be properly taken up as I can't be arsed - All have (silver) staples in them, and I am too ashamed to take them to the dressmaker's... I don't do sewing.

Sadly, I cannot do the multiple tights wearing, for fear I should resemble a less feminine version of the Michelin Man... Too many rolls, in more ways than one!

Shamefully, I once (it might have been more) passed off my son's trunk style Y fronts as his swimming trunks, because I'd forgotten them and he had a lesson... The sins of the mother, JW...

I am interested in the trapping of hamsters - Perhaps you can begin to raise further revenue as a mole catcher? There is still much need in the countryside, I am told.

Red Shoes said...

Ahhh, slattern tricks! Where were these when I actually left the house for a living?!?

More praise for the use of office products: snapped bra strap + paper clip = Success!

I second the one-legged tights suggestion. Two pairs of tights, each with hole? Cut one leg off each and wear both simultaneously for extra tummy control, less optical illusion. Works brilliantly.

I wish I knew about dry spray shampoo back in the days that I left the house. Could have saved me loads of days pretending that I had "over-conditioned my hair" that morning. Have also used the powder trick, to varying results.

Never could master hold ups (we call them Thigh Highs here). I am taking note should the day ever come that I try again.

I have definitely, definitely done the Febreeze to freshen drycleaning trick, as recently as last month on my way to the dentist's office. I realized it was probably much more useful when you didn't have someone leaning into your personal space and continuously breathing your personal air comprised of Febreeze, funk and fear. Busted.

Artichoke Queen said...

Have to confess I am not much the slatternly type (single, childless, can find the time...), but I do have an ace tip when your patent shoes are so covered in black marks from having kicked yourself as you walk that they look like zebra print -- Windolene (or Windex for those in the US). Quick squirt, rub with a kitchen towel (dirty tissue/old receipt from your handbag, whatever) and voila! Shiny patent again.

My Mom was a huge advocate of the one leg each from two pairs of tights method of dressing when I was growing up. Glad to hear it lives on.

Asitis said...

Just one more thing. You are sooo lucky to be hairless. Holes in stocking slovenliness (sp?) much exacerbated and apparent by copse of ten day hair grow proudly poking through hole. Although, on a positive note, can provide one with welcome diversion during borefest meeting. Plaits anyone?

Helena said...

Ah, all the good tips are already taken but I can recommend only ironing the bits of your shirt that stick out of your jumper.

emily said...

one quick point -will come back tomorrow when have more time - can recommend good hair straighteners for "ironing" the collar of your sahirt if wearing it under a jumper...

sue said...

Erm, me again. Asitis reminded me; nasal hair. At least you don't have to stand in front of a magnifiying mirror in the morning with a tweezers pulling nasal hairs and sneezing uncontrollably. Also the big black hairy mollies that are my eyebrows = mortifying child pictures and now lots of pain. Sorry. Have to go and watch Mistresses now to look at all the lovely shoes.

Jaywalker said...

Lost my damn comments. Damn you, Blogger. So these ones brief.

Alexa - see below for total paradigm shift in tights over tights strategy. I also gasped. There are slattern GENIUSES out there.

Fourstar - you may tell them you have my permission. I am sure that will help a lot.

Mrs Jones - ooh! I LOVE this one http://empressbiancawigs.com/superbigwig17.html

M - ooh, will you update us when you get back? Also, yes. We are in Elle. We are totally fashion forward.

Wife in HK - yes, it's my 'signature style'. Black marker.

Mrs T - I remember our conversation on this subject fondly. You should weigh in with the sequins.

Sarah - this one leg thing is a total revelation for me! Magical. also, I think wipes are nature's apology for the hideous chaos children wreak on your life.

redfox - oh, lint can be sort of chic, no? In a Miss Haversham, dusty sort of way? Or so I tell myself.

Katyboo - I still don't dare to try the coin trick. Not after what you said about it flying out and hitting elderly gents on the bus.

I&I - wow, this is genius. If I ever put my tights away i will totally follow this.

G - sisters generally or your sister (given we know what she thinks of you)?

Tea - ah, shame because Mrs Jones has found some fantastic ones.

fabhat - ah, I remember losing bits of shoe all the time in Oxford and falling down staircases when heels fell off. Now I must have slowed down a bit, because it doesn't happen anymore. Too stained for meetings, yes, but not broken shoes. Damn. Also, you and Inks and Indigo just carry on melding or whatever.

Asitis - oh yes. this is important people. the two little bits on the outside, the big shiny bit on the inside. But eeeeeh, I am shuddering a bit at your impromptu staple piercing. Let that be a warning, slatterns.

OmegaMum - your wealth of experience shines through here. Do not forget your hip flask, ladies.

Sue - Frebreze and moisturiser. Again, a whole new world of possibilities. do they even sell Febreze in Belgium? Must investigate.

Titian - oh yes, you are quite right to stipulate. It does make a difference; we have standards after all and are not wild animals.

Woman - oh, and I love moles! Do you think they would be as foolish as hamsters? I suppose I could try it. Nice little earner perhaps.

Red Shoes - so not Febreze dry cleaning before the dentist. Ok. Good advice; noted.

Artichoke Queen (lovely name) - I am intrigued by the windolene and will try it out. CFO insists we wash windows in vinegar though. Bleugh.

Asistis - yes, I do realise it is a great privilege. Not even enough for the teeniest plait.

Helena - a classic, but quite worth mentioning. Thank you.

Titian red said...

I would love to be a wild animal - sadly nowadays it is the wild animals putting the holes in the tights !

Mrs Jones said...

Re. Empress Bianca's superbigwig number 17 "spiked black and orange wig with spiders" - yes, yes, YES, it's so YOU (For those that want to see - http://empressbiancawigs.com/superbigwig17.html). Bugger the Rupert Sanderson shoes, this is cheaper and far more entertaining. I'm rather taken with this one - http://empressbiancawigs.com/costumewigp503.html - I quite fancy doing the weekly shop sporting an enormous bee atop my bonce...

verymucky said...

Hello, your post was very informative and I will save tips for job interview days etc. However in general I do sing the praises of cultivating your dishevelled appearance so that you are mothered by all and sundrey and donated clothes, make up, hair straighteners, drinks, money, sympathy, food parcels like a child in need. Occasional patronising totally offset by bags of flapjack.

Z said...

I am full of wonderment that I already do just about all these, and of those I don't, largely because I have hair, I do what your wonderful commenting friends do. The only thing I can possibly add it that it's washing hold ups that makes them fall down. Only wash the feet of them (a quick swish in the bath before you get in does it) and the tops will last for weeks. Shake out dead skin as you take them off, especially if they're black.

Anna Lisa said...

I'm not sure if this requires too much effort and forward planning, but out of confidence im my own slatternly ways I shall offer this tidbit of advice: hemming tape. Magical iron-on double sided sticky-tape for your clothes, removing all need for ugh-inducing sewing.

The downside is that you do have to plug the iron in to solve your hemming woes, but fear not! I have discovered that this does not oblige you to iron the whole garment; indeed, I have on many occasions pressed the hems of the trousers and left the rest horribly scrunched.

Oh, and another yea for the two pairs of tights strategy. Evidently I am a classy bird. I have also worn inappropriately-placed brooches to cover the wine stains down my front. This works, as long as you don't mind running the risk of one of your nipples looking like it's encrusted with faux-gems. I don't. Neither should you.

mothership said...

I am most taken with all of these. Few of them apply to my daily life as I am not required to wear tights or things with proper hems etc. However, I have found that if I put on very thick mascara and Mac gel eyeliner which will not come off, even with turpentine, on Monday and then don't wash my face (as if I would anyway) then I only have to top it up about once a week- it mostly stays in place. I think it has fossilized actually. All good.

Laura Jane said...

These all sound like excellent and VERY sound advice.

And very funny...I make use of the Febreeze option sometimes....on belly dance costumes that can only be washed with enormous difficulty and risk to trims.

GingerB said...

No slattern should go about in the world without a Tide stick to erase unwanted food stains from chest. And if it doesn't work, it will at least make a nice wet ring around the stain to draw more attention.

Jaywalker said...

sue - yes; once again I thank alopecia from the bottom of my heart.

Titian - being a wild animal sounds exhausting.

Mrs Jones - do you think I should contact them and propose some kind of sponsorship deal? CALL ME EMPRESS BIANCA.

verymucky - are you in fact my sister? I don't think that works when you reach my age. They just run a mile.

Z - that's very cunning. I am adopting that instantly. God, I love this.

Anna Lisa surely a gem encrusted nipple can only be a bonus? Not sure about this hemming business. The iron is an elusive beast and not easily caught.

mothership - it actually matures into a subtler but equally alluring look. Quite right.

Laura Jane - quite right. Avoid excessive washing.

Ginger B - I don't think they exist in Belgium. Can we do some kind of swap? Biscuits for Tide stick?

Bath Bun said...

God the tights thing – I used to save pairs where one leg is trashed and cut it off to pair with another in similar state - hated the double crotch nylon wrapping though. I switched to mainly wearing trousers but haven't entirely solved the problem of dressing and undressing in a hurry and then having yesterdays knickers fall out of your trouser leg as you walk into someone else's office.

Jaywalker said...

Bath Bun - Oh yes. YES. Socks or knickers escaping down your trouser leg, so many times.
This is very therapeutic actually. It appears I am not alone.

Mrs C said...

I must be channelling your slatternly powah.

Why, just the other day, it was the office fĂȘte (it was dire; in the basement of a hotel in a seminar room where the lights had been filmed over with green. Hello! We all look as though we're dying. In a way, "partying" with lawyers, it was sort of fitting). I had brought a change of clothes for the occasion. On changing in the ladies' loo, I noticed that my black jacket had white marks on it. Paint I believe. Fuck.

So I went returned to my desk and got out a black waterboard marker to fix my jacket. My boss came to my desk and stared at me, as though he had stumbled onto a lost womenly art (he had).

I also find that wearing ankle boots in the winter is effective for hiding the mealy holes in the feet of my tights.

Jaywalker said...

Emily - missed you out, sorry. Straighteners as last minute iron! Yes. We virtually have enough tips for a book here.

Mrs C - lawyers partying during economic apocalypse was always bound to be pretty awesome, no? Full marks to you on the slatternliness.

Mrs C said...

I'm not sure there is ever an economic downturn for lawyers. Someone's wagon (or economic restructuring) always needs fixing.

My WV is "junted". No lie.

Anonymous said...

Why limit yourself to using Febreeze on garments? I find it works a treat on 'morning after the pub' hair when you'd rather have ten more minutes in bed than wash it (i.e. always).
And if that extra ten minutes turns into half an hour, leaving you no time to apply slap before leaving the house, black biro works as emergency eyeliner. Available in a desk drawer near you! And it mostly doesn't make you blind.

Tell your truth said...

I had the pull up situation occur yesterday, along Oxford St London of all places. Eventually, I just ran with the idea I looked like a Japanese schoolgirl.

Chantal said...

I am late to the party AND Blogger just ate my comment! Shackass! Putain de website!

Anyway Jaywalker, you will be horrifed to learn that as I type I am sporting tights of the deepest teal, opaque as a dark and stormy night.

Also, your splashing-water hold-ups tip was EXACTLY what I used to do, back in the days when I was young and carefree and could actually be bothered to wear them, thus your post brought back fond memories of this youthful time in my life.

Jaywalker said...

Mrs C - really? Because at our place there's a whole lotta scything goin' on.

Anon - wow. Awed. Do you think it works on wigs? It has to right?

Tell your truth - a brave approach. I honour you.

Fie fie Chantal! You look like a medieval minstrel.

Anonymous said...

I don't see how Febreeze can fail to work on a wig. It's the very elixir of life as far as I'm concerned. Hair reviver! Impromptu cologne! Delicious beverage! (Probably - am yet to test this one.)

Mud in the City said...

A pashmina is always handy for hiding stains, lost buttons, the embarrassing fact that you've put on a black bra under a white shirt through dressing in the dark etc.

But if it is a Really bad day - then the only thing for it is a burqa.

Tremendously forgiving garment.

Mrs C said...

Really. No scything. Not even at HQ in London.

Juci said...

It's been ages since I've last worn holdups, but they never fell down. Maybe I was wearing a size too small? I remember they had two wide silicone stripes on the insides that kept them in place just fine.
I'm sure they sell Febreze in Belgium, I remember seeing the ad on telly.

Lisa said...

Slatternly loves company. Thank you.

kcm said...

#3 male reader here. :-)

This is awesome stuff and seriously sad. What is it that make you gals worry so much about what you look like? Look around you: no-one else cares, at least judging by the size of buttocks in velour shell suits I see! ... so why waste your effort?

Have to agree with Mrs T re tights and trousers -- not my opersonal experience you understand but that of SWMBO. Just say "no" to tights -- you know they only get in the way. ;-)

Have to admit that I've mended a pair of split trousers with staples, but this was an emergency in the office.

Wipes? Ah yes, WetOnes are especially good for getting food stains out of clothes. Apply as soon as you spill the food; almost always prevents any stain.

Hmm ... nasal hair; also eyebrows and hairy ears. Borrow himself's shaver and apply the trimmer to the hair. Or do as my late father did and pluck your ears. Plonker!

Men: save on faffing around. Don't wear a tie; who needs a noose round their neck? Wear short-sleeve shirts; no faffing with cuff-links.

Oh and cultivate being an eccentric: then you can quite normally wear odd socks, stockings, one-legged tights, etc. :-)

WV is "oxone". Bleach for wigs or Belgian gravy browning?

kcm said...

Oh and an even easier way to be slovenly. Work from home, then there's no need to get dressed; ever. Life in the nide has a lot of benefits. :-)

Millennium Housewife said...

No3 for make up regime:
Put pillow under running water so it is damp before you go to bed. In the morning your sleeping face rubbing against the damp cotton will have removed all makeup. You may double up the pillow as an interesting print skirt should other clothes be stuffed unwashed under the bed.

GingerB said...

Jaywalker, yes we can swap Tide Sticks for biscuits. I might even send you a tiny wee Oxi-Clean spray can, assuming it won't make us both seem to be terrorists in view of our respective postal systems. Can you get to the post office, for emergency clothes cleaning supplies?

But please don't send me a spiral sausage. My people think I can cook, and I am trying to hang on to my virtues to cover for my non-virtuous qualities.

wv: coldulen - a virus you loan out, so you can get it back and take days off from the ennui

hollyann said...

Cornflour in dirty hair - even very dark hair - only creates a slightly matt effect but doesn't go grey and chalky if you make sure you work it through thoroughly. It's my favourite slatternly trick.
My method:
1) Small amount of cornflour (tablespoon or two) on saucer or other flat surface.
2) Press fingertips into flour.
3) Bend over, shake hair out and rub fingertips against scalp in hairwashing fashion. Avoid the actual parting or visible top surface of hair if you're worried about chalkiness.
4) Stand up, smooth hair in front of mirror and assess for greasy appearance. If necessary, distribute more flour through length of hair. You can brush at this stage if you're a stickler for a neat finish (which is unlikely if you're reading this) but I find messiness more forgiving as the brush can exacerbate the greasiness a bit.
Oh, and Clarins Eau Dynamisante, liberal application of, to anything unwashed/stinky (tights, hair and armpits come to mind, but the possibilities are endless).
I am childless and not all that busy - just lazy and, yes, slatternly - and I have found this post and accompanying comments very liberating. Many thanks!

Eva Chapman said...

Belgian Waffle- for me you are a laugh out loud a second woman. Love your blog. Identify with everything in this entry- especially having a drawer full of holey tights. Thanks for the great laughs and daring to be real! An inspiration.

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