Due to the chronic stupidity epidemic that is raging unchecked through the Waffle household, I ran out of contraceptives last week. Since then, due to my previous searing experience with the ninety eight year old gynecologist who liked to showcase his hacking cough whilst in full speculum mode, if you get my drift, I have not managed to do anything about this. This man was a true horror, and left me legs akimbo for a full twenty minutes while he pottered around his office doing a little light tidying and peering down his microscope. Also, he seemed terribly keen on cauterising things that in my opinion have no place being cauterised. Brrr.
But of course, spring is in the air and the sap is rising, and solemn discussions must be punctuated somehow and even giant pandas get frisky every thousand years or so, and the inevitable happened. And because of my chequered history with things fertility related, this is not the kind of thing I can just ignore. Emergency contraception beckoned, yippee, am I a feckless thirteen year old? Apparently I am. At the fifth pharmacy I trudged past, there were no male assistants in their teens or twenties and no coven of elderly ladies with shopping trolleys eavesdropping. Just one lady pharmacist. I screwed my courage to the sticking place and went in.
It was very anti-climactic. I had expected to be led into a back room, grilled on my sexual exploits, lectured sombrely and possibly given religious tracts. None of the above. I picked up some dental floss for cover, shuffled to the counter shiftily and asked for the "pilule du lendemain", she got it out of the drawer and gave it to me. I tried to look suitably contrite and responsible, and paid my €10.
She put the floss and the pill in a bag, then paused for a second and put something else in there.
"Je vous ai mis un echantillon gratuit"
(I've put a free sample in for you)
I was touched by her sweet attempt to put me at ease. Lovely pharmacist! I thanked her profusely, but still with a note of sombre contrition, and left, light heartedly.Then I looked in the bag.
Yup. Intimate wash. Because people who have contraceptive emergencies are DIRTY.