Thursday, 26 March 2009

It was a stupid idea anyway

I thought I would instigate an occasional feature where you could ask the Holy Tortoise TM questions that are troubling you morally, ethically or emotionally and, in the manner of a spiritual agony aunt, the Holy Tortoise TM could reply with reptilian wisdom and doctrinal rigour (the Holy Tortoise TM makes the Pope look like a bleeding heart liberal). Of course I had failed to take into account the fact that the Holy Tortoise TM is a complete dick.

Come here, you bastard and put this mitre on.

Stay still while I put you in your holy robes! Look at the set of that jaw. Is the Holy Tortoise TM planning to cooperate? No, it is not.

Come back! And what's that in your holy robes and all over the sofa? Holy Tortoise TM you malevolent little shit.

Clearly I need a plan B.

But tell me honestly, does this look like a viable Plan B to you?

He doesn't give a shit about your problems. Are you a pig's ear? No? Well then. The weepette could not care less.

I suppose you could ask me, but I am broken. Look! All I care about is admiring my new moustache. I think it is very fetching indeed. I have spent too long here, and singing this song.

Also, I have only just realised I am wearing my new moustache UPSIDE DOWN.
I think we can conclude that I spend far too much time alone with only the Holy Tortoise TM and the weepette for company.

So I am leaving it up to you. You may ask any of us a question and we will answer it. Or you could just back away slowly. I would totally understand.


Anonymous said...

Oh Holy Tortoise, Weepette and Mustachio'd One:

Tell me, where will I find the love of my life?

Anonymous said...

I am still feeling depressed today (admittedly it goes way beyond Attila's regular - and untrue - accusations that I love her sister more than her). Katyboo's post today has also reminded me of other negative feelings about motherhood. Your moustache is only the second cheerful thing I have seen today - the first was croissants at a 9am meeting. I was tempted to ask What Is The Meaning Of Life and Is It Worth It? But right now I feel the answers are Who Knows and Probably Not. Si instead, I would like to know, Can Things Only Get Better?

Oh lord - my wv is chopo. I had better get back to work.

The Spicers said...

I love the mustache worn upside down, but I am a particular fan of the "Taft." My 8-year old cannot wait for the day when he can grow his own Dali mustache.

Mya said...

I would like to bludgeon repeatedly with a flute longue, the hatchet-faced bitch in the boulangerie, who each morning gives my husband a larger, fluffier and more attractive croissant than me. If I'm lucky I get a mouldy, mouse chewed runt.Tortoise Chummy, are my violent feelings wrong, or totally justified?

Like the 'tache - puts me in mind of Magnum PI.

Mya x

Red Shoes said...

O, Holy Tortoise, will I be able to get my therapist to focus on my inability to forgive rather than my adventures in infertility today? Especially with this asscrack of dawn, oh-fuck:thirty appointment I was forced to take?

shakes Tortoise vehemently and peers into hole

Waffle said...


The Holy Tortoise says "Sainsburys". The weepette says "ear". I say "Romantic love is despicable bourgeois illusion. Have some of this vodka. Is good"

Waffle said...


The Holy Tortoise says "this is the sin of DESPAIR. Please sit still while I piss all over you".

Sorry, I told you he was hardcore.

The weepette has fallen asleep.

I say "No. Read small print. Value of shares may go down as well as up. Have vodka. Nasdrowie."

Millennium Housewife said...

Surely the one we all want the answer to:

Titian red said...

You have to persevere with robing Holy tortoise because he has already had his portrait painted
and my question for the oracle is....

Can a woman ever have too many pairs of red shoes, and what is the penance for over indulgence ?

Waffle said...

Red Shoes - you can't peer in the Holy Tortoise's HOLE, Woman! Shocked. It is not one of those fortune telling balls whose name I have forgotten!

Have to go and stroke Holy Tortoise shell now.

Liberty London Girl said...

Ah there's nothing like some gratuitous weepette porn.

Holy Tortoise I have sinned. I ate two Hot Cross buns, handful of jellybeans and some leftover jalapenos and ten mini Creme eggs for supper. Sin of gluttony. And sloth too, now that I come to think of it. LLGxx

ps For the matching LLG/BW wardrobe annals: we seem to have remarkably similar eyewear

Helen Brocklebank said...

Please stop making me laugh. I need to have my serious face on today because i am doing BUSINESS. There are spreadsheets all around me, so surfing for an outfit for the Weepette (thinking Mui Mui A/W09 would really work his look) is verboten.
Is it really bad for a tortoise to paint it in poster paint - it washes off. Seems to me that his Holy Vestments might stay on if they were painted and he wouldn't ruin them by widdling on them either. x

Helen Brocklebank said...

PS: the moustache - it's a terrific look for you. I dare you to wear it to the corridor Of ennui one day and see if anyone notices
WV: parygo yes please. would love go to gay pareee

Mutter said...

I have tried to understand but actually now I am backing away slowly.

monk said...

I would like to know where my passport and my nice blue jumper are.

Also why nuts are so expensive here.

And whether Del Haize sold that pig's ear for human consumption.

thank you please have a nice day

nappy valley girl said...

Oh Holy Tortoise(TM)?

Why am I spending my time reading blogs when I should be organising packing for an international house move? Am I just in denial do you think?

Waffle said...

Where were we? Ah yes, Mya. Have you ever got husband to get both your croissants pretending they are for him?

The HT says as long as you do not act upon your violent fantasies you are a scaredy chicken cat. Go on, thwack her one.

Waffle said...

Red Shoes -

Quite apart from your APPALLING tortoise violence and your role as revealer of the Bootgate sex tape, the Holy Tortoise probably doesn't approve of you. I told you, he is more of hard ass than the Pope.

I say: Trust the therapist. This is why you pay her. No? Maybe you need to be talking about infertility right now.

katyboo1 said...

Why? Despite having most of the day off, have I sat around on my arse blogging and muckin' abaht' which is why when the children came home from school all the breakfast things were still stuck to the table. And why, despite the fact that it is Rainbows in less than an hour, have I still not produced any dinner because I am reading your blog?

Red Shoes said...

Fuuuuuuuck. I have offended the Holy Tortoise tm by mistaking Him for a Magic 8 Ball. Forgive me, Tortoise. It was the early hour and your dark shell that confused me. makes sign of cross with holy tortoise pee and backs out of the room bowing in shame

Ink and Indigo said...

Holy Tortoise & Cardinal Weepette*. I am trying to move house and have 1.5 million bin bags that will not fit in my bin. Where can I put them so that they will no longer be my responsibility?

*Speaking of Weepette's, my mother took hers to Crufts and won a ribbon that says "Junior Bitch" on it. HAHAHA.

GingerB said...

Oh Holy Tortoise, how can I cure my psoriasis?

wv: hopinsla

Waffle said...

The Holy Tortoise is not very coherent tonight. It will be taking questions as the spirit moves it. Thus:

Ginger B: Touch my shell.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Madame JW, can I say right now that I should not wish to kiss the Holy Tortoise's TM papal ring?!

Ah yes, my question for His Tortiness?

How would a Weepette set about making a Miu Miu purse out of said Sow's Ear, your Holiness?

Formerly known as Frau said...

Do you eat the pigs ears? I saw them in the store today ...are they good? Why do you eat them?

Waffle said...

Millenium Housewife:

The HTTM says: "Have faith my child, all will be revealed if you call my 0800 number and pledge a minimum of £80 sterling to my special account for orphaned baby tortoises cough cough".

Waffle said...

Titian - there is a distinct link between popes and tortoises. See also Julius II in later years looking for all the world like a bearded tort.

Anonymous said...

Oh holy Tortoise (I might as well as ask your advice as am at the end of my rope) - should I go to nursing school which means losing paycheck and insurance when I am the breadwinner or should I stay in my job where we had a meeting about my time and attendance and I ended up freaking crying and am still crying intermittently and that was an hour and half ago.

Waffle said...

Monk - also, do you not love the NAMES they give mixed nuts here? "Student mix" "Retro mix" "Hawaii Fiveoh mix" "Serge Gainsbourg mix". That is probably why so expensive.

The HTTM says that your passport is in the side pocket of that backpack and the blue jumper is at the bottom of the dirty washing basket and that will be €45 please, does he look like a clairvoyant, that is Mrs Trefusis' job.

Waffle said...

Jessica K - the Weepette (who you may recall is a fan of the Stoics) thinks that at heart you have already decided (school).

The HTTM is trying to give you forty eight Hail Nathans for your timekeeping.

I hope you are ok. I'll touch his lucky shell for you.

Waffle said...

Ink and Indigo - the HTTM wonders if there is perhaps a convenient skip somewhere near you? Also, whether you have a back wall to throw them over or whether you live in an area with lots of rubbish bins. He also reminds you that darkness is a good cover for all such activities.

The HTTM takes no responsibilty for your fly dumping of refuse.

GingerB said...

For the weepette: Do tortoises have papist tendancies or do popes have tortoist tendancies?

For Jaywalker: If a tortoise shits in the woods, will a pop step in it?

Waffle said...

Ginger B - I asked the weepette but it just stared at me and held on mutely to the remains of its pig ear. Sorry.

As for me, I am sort of over crap related dilemmas, though your point is a good one, after another rug offering from cardinal weepette who has also been eating moth sachets.

Waffle said...

Katyboo - the HTTM is absolutely categoric. "Rainbows" is the work of satan and you must renounce it immediately or face eternal damnation.

Waffle said...

Red Shoes - yes! that's it. A Magic 8 ball. You are a Very Bad Woman and you are going straight to hell.

lisahgolden said...

I think you look quite fetching in your mustache!

Red Shoes said...

But, but! I doused myself in tortoise pee and said 20 Hail Tortoises! Is that not enough to save me? Self-flagellation, is that what he wants?? *sigh*

I'm not sure I want HTtm's approval that much. I'm not even certain that I believe in HTtm. I might be an atortoist. I'm moving on to Weepette worship. At least we have a shared interest in pig parts. Mmm.

p.s. your moostache is adorable.

H said...

We must be on the same page. I wore a moustache made of blu-tack to a meeting today, (nobody TOO important was there). About 50% of them thought it was funny....

Anonymous said...

Will the child ever speak to me again because I didn't play club penguin with him this evening?

Will the board meeting go without ridicule?

Will the new babies I ordered online yesterday fit my feet beautifully?

HTTM - I kiss your holy ring in advance of your wisdom.

Anonymous said...

How do I get people to do my surveys?

I currently have crap p-t job ringing people asking them to do sometimes interesting, sometimes long and ridiculously worded market research questions. Was tonight called into office as had only 1, when goal was 12. I cried. This is third time job has made me cry, but usually I don't do infront of my supervisor.

Perhaps better question would be, how do I word my cv/cover letter to actually get people (besides market researchers) to call me in for interview?

Methinks must have something to do with karma paying me back for not holding on to well-paying legal (ennui-inducing) contract job I had last year.

Anonymous said...

HT, why is Katyboo's blog the only blog in the known world that doesn't have an archive? How do I know where it all began? Is it a tortoise standing on top of another tortoise - all the way down?

monk said...

Yes, you're absolutely right, it's a whole lifestyle they're selling you, not just a packet of over-priced nuts.

I shall buy 50g Hawaiian mix tomorrow. It is the weekend, after all. I imagine ripping open the packet and a stream of hula girls coming pouring out into my living room, trailing leis and fruity cocktails in manner of budget travel agent's advert.

Waffle said...

Lisa - thank you dearest. So do I, secretly.

Red Shoes - I told you HTTM was a hardliner. Not easy to forgive Magic 8.

Helena - oh, I am so glad about that. I can just imagine you with a neat blutack moustache.

Sue - you see, HTTM is pursing hish lips again and asking me if I think he looks like Gypsy Rose Lee. You are supposed to bring him your ethical dilemmas. Tsk. But he needs to see a picture of the shoes before he can decide whether they will fit.

Talk to Me? HTTM suggests you play the pathetic card, and tell them that if they don't do survey you will be sacked and will not be able to care for the houseful of orphans and puppies you look after for free.
He also wonders whether there are enough lies on your CV. Add some more.

ShunningRunning - HTTM says this is because it reflects the non-linear nature of Katyboo's thought patterns.

Monk - I am, you know. I have a long-planned post in my head involving these oddly named fruit and nut mixes but always forget my camera in Delhaize.

Red Shoes said...

Fair enough. Perhaps one of the other tortoises, then? The one that hibernated in the Ladurée box, perhaps. Is that one available? I'm feeling oddly bereft now that I have been shunned by HTTM. What to do, what to do?

Perhaps, in time... Although, it isn't the first time I've been disdained by a papal figure... Ah well.

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