Saturday, 21 March 2009

I didn't think I was posting today, but look

Just to say:

1. I especially loved the bit of today where the Beast chased me through the woods (sounds like a derivative horror film 15 rated by a solemn Simon Bates) shaking its ice cream cone accusingly at me and shrieking NOOOOOON I WANTED THE GLACE AU CHOCOLAT ON MY WAFFLE. Waffle, waffle waffle, waffle echoed round the woods.

2. Searching for six small brown tortoises who enjoy digging in a brown garden full of interesting piles of earth, leaves and organic detritus (an activity which never gets old for me) takes on an extra frisson of excitement now that you might, at any moment, find yourself handling a dog turd.

3. Do not let your existentially troubled six and a half year old read cartoon strips from the 1950s.

Because, quite apart from the constant denigration of water ('pour les poissons!') in favour of le Whisky Soda, characters to whom you have had time to form an attachment (say, an Apache elders called Buzzard, for example) will DIE. DIE, I tell you! From 'une balle dans le dos'. This will be representing pictorially, with the fallen Apache elder slumped next to a cactus. There will be blood. And there you are, right back in the sodding Café Flore with Jean Paul Sartre and Albert Camus debating whether the inevitability of death renders all life meaningless, or conversely, infinitely precious. When all you really want to do is eat a slice of crappy pizza, take half a temazepam and sleep. Thank a bunch, Bob Morane.

4. However, if he does, introduce him to tektonic tutorials on You Tube and allow yourself to be soothed into a stupor by hatchet faced French youths dancing nonsensically around their grandparents flats/their bedrooms/in front of mirrors. Then because your life is just ridiculous, you might find yourself watching the German equivalent all by yourself. And then, hopefully, you will remember your earlier plan to take half a temazepam and sleep. And you will stop typing and close your browser and go away.

That last bit is important.


Titian red said...

Go to bed - keel over, snore attractively and dream of happy Moomins or similar. I, however am watching Gattaca and wondering why !

A Woman Of No Importance said...

JW, cuddle assorted woozles, tortoises, children and the CFO, and go to bed and have restful, good (possibly ueber feministe) dreams - Of Simone de Beauvoir slapping Sartre for having been such a titi! x

Pochyemu said...

Oh god, this whole techtoniktektonic whatever, it's so completely rediculous, how can these teenagers possibly see it as the height of coolness? The first time you told us about it I totally got addicted to watching videos of french youths doing tecktofjeifnik battles on the streets of paris and oh, how I laughed!

Anonymous said...

aww i hope you manage some proper sleep - i miss proper sleep..
on a side note, call me crazy but i dont think there is a more nightmarish thought in the entire universe than a six y/o who has perfected the art of the tecktohnik..
little children scare me enough as it is, but add in completely off your rocker and yet intensely convoluted, complex dance moves and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end..

Metropolitan Mum said...

Ha ha ha. Thanks for that. I didn't know that these kind of dances still exist. How do they manage not to end up in one big knot???

monk said...

Can Belgians even do tektonik? Genetically, I mean. It takes a special kind of absolute confidence in one's own innate coolness, an inherently French trait.

A good Belgian would get distracted by a witloof after 30 secs of half-hearted shuffling, then decide the whole thing is too much effort anyway.

The Spicers said...

I've never heard of this techtonik of which you speak, probably because I'm old enough to remember breakdancing. The videos are strangely mesmerizing though.

Waffle said...

Titian - I am bad at going to bed. Very bad.

Woman - SdB should have throttled him with one of those headscarves.

Pochyemu - french dance crazes are always amazing. I remember when I was of penpal age, they were into le rock n roll; similarly poe faced and elaborate.

tragicanon - NEVER check my archives for resignation post. NEVER.

MM - Any tangling would be totally deliberate. Is no laughing matter!

Monk - ooh, must send you link I found to techtonik street battle in Leuven St Pieters. Extremely funny; no witloof distraction, but very belge all the same.

Iheart - I tried to interest them in breakdance videos, which are way more exciting, but they were adamant it had to be tecktonik. Sigh.

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