Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Half a cock

Some of the best dares of yesterday came offline. I liked the two following best:


1. Take my two large inflatable dinosaurs into work and take a photo of them having a board meeting with me and oscar in a dinosaur costume and some proper eurodrones. Or, alternatively, I can omit oscar, but then we must all be wearing shades and trenchcoats.


2. Go to a gallery and lick a painting.



I have committed to both. I will of course report back.

Otherwise, today has been short on incident, and if you are into Twitter, you know it all already. I really ought to stop twittering. There is little enough of interest in my life without trying to spread it thinly between two platforms. But I won't because I like it. Where else in my life can I have short semi-hysterical conversations about squirrel delinquency, crotchless nylon control pants and saint's eyeballs? Not at Friday's conference on cartel enforcement, that's for sure (though maybe I should try?). So here are some pre-chewed morsels. Firstly, I bought the spawn a new book for slightly dubious reasons that will become apparent. It is called "Half a Cock" and is about the adventures of half a cock, who persuades a fox, wolf, river and giant to hide up its arse. Then, as the adventures unfold, they come out again. There is a little rhyme that goes:


"Loup loup je n'en peux plus, Sauve moi, Sors de mon trou du cul"

("Wolf, wolf, I can't stand any more, come out of my arsehole and save me")


Oh, and how could I forget, it comes with a rock opera style rendition of the story with extra songs on CD. The things up the arsehole all seem to sing with the voice of Serge Gainsbourg. Marvellous.

Lashes has been reciting it cheerily, especially when there are elderly ladies in camelhair coats with shopping trolleys on wheels around. He can't believe a book could contain the word 'cul'. I will be trawling the shelves for more literature for 6-8s with swearing in, I can't imagine it will be too hard in Belgium.


The next best thing today, was when Oscar disappeared. Eventually one of us noticed and we called for him and heard a faint whimpering from upstairs. I went to retrieve him to find him in Fingers' room sitting on the floor like this:







This isn't staged. I took him straight downstairs and took his picture, poking out of the ear hole of a giant fabric head. Oh, how we laughed.



The eagle eyed may not that he also has a small plastic brain on the floor in front of him (yes, I am all about the brains at the moment, and am also in my idle moments - so, all the time - trying to work on my innovative new idea of the Brain Power Panty - Spanx for the brain). This has made for many entertaining discussions tonight.


Fingers, to me, holding the brain: Is this the size of Oscar's brain (size of walnut)?

Me: Yes, I suppose that would be about right. It might be a bit too big.

Fingers, to Oscar, in heavily accented English: This is your brain. Your brain is comme ça.

Fingers to me: Aiee! Il essaie de manger son cerveau! (he is trying to eat his brain)

Lashes: He loves his brain.

ME: Oscar PUT THE DAMN BRAIN DOWN!

This is the kind of thing you come here for, right? Because right now, it's all I have. I am going to watch Nouvelle Star and see how many inappropriate crushes I can develop this year.

21 comments:

Cassandra said...

Will the spanx have a hole for the fanny?!!! Half a Cock made me roll around laughing, much to the delight of Mister Castle, who has man flu and was trying to get the kids to bed while I mucked around on the internet. I thank you!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

The Belgian story - I cannot believe it, is it true?!

The Weepette - I understand they are auditioning for a new Basil Brush for TV - Imagine the possibilities for famedom for Oscar - He has the tail already - That big, fluffy ginger one in the photo... You would just have to teach him to bark, 'Boom! Boom!'

Would that be possible, Madame?

And as for Twitter, I don't any more, so will still love the 100% of you that so entertains us here, JW x

Pearl said...

I always read your blog with a smile on my face. You are one of the strangest, most wonderful bloggers out there, you know that don't you?
Pearl

Mr Farty said...

You have a zombie weepette: "Arf, braaains!"

Jenny said...

Poor Oscar-I thought a demented squirrel was having its wicked way with him.

Completely Alienne said...

I am glad you explained it too -like Jenny I was having trouble working out what it was.

That story sounds bizarre; the more you tell us about Belgium the more concerned I am getting about it; it is a truly strange country.

justme said...

Hmmmm. I fear that Twittering is taking the place of blogging in your heart. And think that is sad....... meh!

J. said...

If you're feeling transgressive but slightly charitable, lick a dirty painting in a gallery. Conservators actually use spit (from a clean human mouth or artificial spit mixed according to a special recipe) to clean a variety of objects, as the enzymes in salivia are good at breaking down organic matter but are still quite gentle compared to chemical solvents. (And no, I am not making this up.)

Razzmatazz said...

I felt compelled to comment after being overcome with excitement at the wv: zingi. I blame Mothership for this!

Although in my quest to create the perfect subversive childrens' library, I do not believe it gets much better than 'Half a Cock'...

GingerB said...

That book is so far beyond the kids' books "Everybody Poops" and "The Gas We pass." I just don't think we are ready here.

katyboo1 said...

I want this book. I want it in my life so badly I may even by it in french if it is not available in English.

Have you seen The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business? That used to be my favourite kid's book until I heard about yours.

I dare you to repeatedly lick the same painting on several visits to see if J's comment really works and you can actually clean it up over a period of months. You must take photographs as evidence.

dinosaurs said...

Just to clarify - Oscar must be in his dinosaur costume, but you may choose whatever you feel is appropriate. A studied air of nonchalance must be assumed by all. We are looking forward to this.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Belgium is unfathomably strange, n'est ce pas? However, you must contact the publisher, do a translation of the book and import it to les Anglais who are clearly deprived of subversive reading matter for children.

Lisa said...

I'm trying to decide about Oscar. That expression on his face - is it confusion? vapidness? a certain sort of put-upon-ness?

He's got that je ne sais quois of an old boyfriend. Caught stealing from one's purse or reading one's journal. Or trying on one's panties when he doesn't expect one to walk in him.

I can see how he is irresistible.

Nicola said...

I cannot wait for the follow up Dinosaur meeting and painting licking escapades. As for the book - my boys would love that book! I initially assumed your overactive imagination was making it all up...I crave for your life. Mine is so boring and conservative by comparison. Even the dog getting stuck in the costume is manically hysterical. One more reason that I need to get a dog...and a weirdo costume.

Jaywalker said...

Cassandra - now, why would brain power panty have a hole for genitals? I think I my need you on my design team.

Woman - yes. I may take more photos to prove it. The man in children's bookshop had the CD on and I was spellbound. Am trying to remember what word he used to describe it. Maybe "robuste"?

Pearl - thank you dearest. I am glad you still have a job by the way.

Mr Farty - suppose is inevitable weepette is zombie, in capital of grey euro-undead.

Jenny - shuddering. Am still wondering how he got himself in there.

CA - yes, it is. That is why I love it so much.

Justme - no, don't worry. Twitter replaces actually talking to people. Blogging remains totally essential for sanity.

J - oh, wonderful! My licking can be a force for good! Anything you would advise against licking? I am not a vandal after all. Would hate to destroy some priceless Breughel.

Razzamatazz - I have just looked at the pictures of how the animals get into half a cock's arse. It is seriously disturbing. It would NEVER be allowed in UK/US.

Ginger - you might not be ready. That would be understandable.

Katyboo - at the back of the book it mentions 'half rooster song'. I wonder if that might lead you to an english version? If not, I'll send you french. Is only fair exchange for the miraculous Mr Measles.

Dinosaurs - Oscar is a bit like Charlie from Casualty. He only has one facial expression - reproach. Your inflatable colleagues and I, however, will do our best.

Wife in HK - they would never allow it! It would be on top shelf in WHSmiths. Worse than that teen lit guy who wrote about girl turning into dog and heroin and so on.

Lisa - I think definitely the trying on your underwear face. Knows he has been caught out.

Nicola - seriously, don't crave my life. This morning I have to go and try and find out where the bastard Belgian police have taken my car. It will take all day and I will cry repeatedly to little or no effect.

Kitschen Pink said...

The dog gets English.....? x

Red Shoes said...

Is Nouvelle Star like American Idol?

Jaywalker said...

Red Shoes - yes, exactly. Same model.

KP - yes, and his name pronounced à l'anglaise. Fingers seems to have decided the dog is English.

Shoe Envy said...

Hello - just wanted to let you know what I did yesterday. I was at a gallery and one of the installations was painted directly onto the gallery wall so I figured it would probably be okay to lick it. So I did. It did feel quite liberating. Although it tasted fairly disgusting...

Jaywalker said...

Oh, Shoe Envy! you're ahead of me. Your actions please me however, and will shame me into going licking.