Monday, 9 March 2009

Body snatching

I was feeling quite good this morning. Little black dress (cheapo, but clean), unladdered Wolfords, red shoes with minimal visible bite marks. My white Comptoir des Cotonniers jacket, which is nonsensically high maintenance, but for about a day a month, before I spill something on it, manages to make me feel I can lead a high maintenance life. I crossed the road heading to the Corridor of Ennui at a jaunty trot.

As I trotted across the Sablon feeling springlike and frisky, though, I realised I was trailing a vision. A perfect, extraordinary vision of female loveliness: an impossibly slender blonde giantess, nudging six feet in spike heels. A graphic print yellow dress falling at the upper end of mid thigh and a black leather jacket showcasing her gorgeous long shiny hair. Amazing; the kind of woman you can't take your eyes off. Stalking down the street just ahead of me. I came up to approximately her navel. You know when you see someone who is SO very different from you, that you can hardly believe you belong to the same species? It was like comparing a Dik Dik and a naked mole rat.

Dik Dik

Naked mole rat.

(I do not mean this to be perjorative in anyway towards naked mole rats. I have an obvious and longstanding affinity with them.)

So the Dik Dik strode on gracefully on dainty hooves and the naked mole rat scurried behind, its belly trailing gracelessly along the floor. There were some builders. There are always some builders, aren't there? Especially here. The CFO nourishes a belief that Brussels city government is on a single handed crusade to turn around the financial apocalypse by employing teams of men to dig holes, then fill them in again. The builders totally stopped pretending to look at their hole and gave their full attention to the Dik Dik. One of the builders in particular was even shorter than the naked mole rat but this did not stop him shifting around several times to get a better view of the Dik Dik, and making lustful grunting noises. The other builders leant on their shovels and made matching phwoar, woar noises. The whole of the Sablon, it appeared, was in agreement that the Dik Dik was extremely decorative.

The naked mole rat, even in red shoes and a springlike white jacket, with barely any stains, followed the Dik Dik, unseen. Less and less jaunty. It no longer felt like tossing its sparse, dull hair. It dragged its mole rat claws all the way to the office and had six chocolate eggs.

The naked mole rat wondered whether the Dik Dik might give it a turn of that body. That body looked much more fun than the naked mole rat's pink, wrinkled, translucent pelt. Just for five minutes? Just to see how it felt?

There are several kinds of bodies I would like to try.

(i) The Dik Dik. Just to know how it feels to be ludicrously beautiful. I can imagine it would quite wearing after a while, but a little turn of those long long legs and that hair would be so much fun.

(ii) Androgyny. I would kill to look bony and androgynous. I want a concave chest and skinny twiglet legs, so I can wear Jil Sander style shirts and trouser suits without looking like I am in the Salvation Army. I would have serious difficulties giving this body back, I think. I would want to keep it forever, whatever the fine might be for hanging on to an overdue body.

(iii) Alex Wek. How fucking fantastic would that be? That woman is BEAUTIFUL. I started trying to find a photo of her to steal but they were all so amazing I ended up looking at hundreds, in a trance.

"Her tongue is on fire" as The Bloggess would say.

(iv) Then, just for kicks, I suppose I should be a man. I'm not remotely tempted, I must say, but much as occasionally one borrows library books for duty, rather than pleasure, I feel I ought to. One of those swimmers with enormous shoulders perhaps? I got a bit obsessed by this man during the Olympics.

Not in a lustful way. Just, HOW big are those shoulders? I mean, how does he find clothes? He looks like a giant, steroidal weepette,all powerful paws and tiny shrunken head! Looking now, I see he is a gendarme. Look how adorably gormless he looks in his uniform!

Now I am all distracted at the thought of those giant shoulders directing traffic.

Whose body would you borrow and why?


Teena Vallerine said...

Bagpuss, it looks how I feel. Pink but saggy.

Anonymous said...

A large and attractive rower's body.

Not to Be you inderstand, but to borrow as a sort of modern take on a sofa. To lounge upon. Ummmmmmmm.

Helen Brocklebank said...

The Body Politic?

Anonymous said...

I would like my pre-pregnancy body back. It was completely wasted on me back then. I didn't look like the blonde with the yellow dress or any model types, but it was a nice enough body. I went on a cycling holiday once to Britanny and cycled over some cobbles and there wasn't so much as a wobble in my thighs. Sigh. I always think I look respectable enough when I get ready in the morning, but then I get into work and catch a glimpse of myself and I want to cry.

Pochyemu said...

Kate Moss. I love her more than life itself, and even with the bow legs I think she's my perfect woman. She can wear the skinniest skinny jeans, the miniest miniskirts, and at age 35 she's only JUST had to start wearing a bra. And she does no exercise except lifting pints and fags to her mouth.

It's cliche isn't it? Cliche but trruuee!

Anonymous said...

(formerly Jessker but should use same name here as at MTFF)
My body at 25 which I didnt appreciate. And while I am at it (I think someone put truth serum in my coffee) I would have had a lot more sex with a lot more people without feeling guilt (waste of time) before settling down to marriage and monogamy.

Persephone said...

You know, as invisible as I am now, I really don't miss the critiques from the sidewalk superintendents. I wonder, if we could live in a more perfect body for a day, if we'd just discover what a burden it is to be beautiful. I'd like to think we would...

livesbythewoods said...

Lord, now I am distracted by the huge gendarme!

katyboo1 said...

I would quite like to have a go in Yasmin Le Bon's body. The woman has always been sultry and alluring and rather gorgeous. She has several children and is now middle aged and looks exactly the same. She is going to age fabulously.

Like Pochyemu I've always had a bit of a Kate Moss thing. BTW Pochyemu you should check out the Chuck Close daguerrotype of her. It is an amazing medium for an amazing woman. Nevertheless I don't think she will age well. So I'll stick with Mrs Le Bon thanks.

I wouldn't mind being Angelina Jolie for half an hour either. Mainly because I'd quite like a snog with Brad, and because she wears some fabulous clothes.

Mrs Jones said...

Ooh, yes, Angelina for me, please. Those pillowy lips, those tattoos, that fecundity! Other than that, I wouldn't mind inhabiting the body of Denise Lewis or that Australian pole-vaulter with the Russian name - Tatiana Grigorieva, that's her. But I'm with you on the Alex Wek question, plus I also reckon the panther-like Grace Jones would be worth a go.

My wv is disheo which is really quite appropriate. And I could last for 1 minute 13 seconds against a velociraptor...

Liberty London Girl said...

I inhabit the body of an imposter, because in my head I am a lithe fashion thing with a non-bubbly personality. Onlookers always get me wrong because they think my blonde boobery = blithe sexy spirit when am actually dour spectre at feast.

So I want to have the body of a normally proportioned person. Not a model or a celeb, just someone whose tits aren't wider than their ribcage, and which can't be seen from the sides when someone is looking at their back. LLGxx

ps Although have always wanted to be tall, at least 5'9" rather than 5'5.5"

pps Was eating lunch when saw naked mole thing. Thank you. V helpful for Lenten Fast.

Anonymous said...

Amy Mullins. Her body is so powerful and amazing- it's so beautiful when she runs. So fantastic how with her difference seems to be something that people turn towards and are fascinated by rather than turn away from and are embarrassed by. Especially after the horrible stuff about the children's tv presenter recently.

screamish said...

I'm with Sue/ My own body about three years ago. Skinny but not too skinny. Interesting bony shapes on my face (now enveloped again in fat) made me almost..photogenic. Now alas I systematically destroy digital photos. and thats just the face.

Anonymous said...

I would like Daniel Craig's body. Not in exchange for mine, you understand, just in addition to it in very close proximity. Oh, and please leave his head on too or it would be a bit disturbing.

Cassandra said...

Am with mothership ALL THE WAY

Vic said...

"Dik Dik" makes me imagine the sound of her shoes on the sidewalk. I love the naked mole rat, but only in short bursts, and with my eyes squinted a little. It blunts the impact.

Angelina Jolie would be an excellent step up from my own body, but I'd settle for anything that can make a pair of jeans look good.

Nikki said...

I think I'd like to be in Heidi Klum's body. Yes. That would be nice.

Grit said...

my own, pre children. it was just right, it was earning, it did interesting things all around the world, and i liked it. now it does fuck all, is broke, falling to bits, and sports a pair of legs that look like 2 pounds of lard shoved down a pair of value tesco tights. in beige.

Cassandra said...

Oh yes and Kim Basinger - that 9 and a half weeks striptease - her body is unbeatable. Or Bardot - long, long, androgynous legs, tiny waist and EPIC boobs.

Anonymous said...

I am with Mothership, plus add David Tennant. Maybe Robson Greene if he has held up well.
And the dark haired guy from Primeval. That scene where he is on the roof and takes off his shirt...

WV: is ropolke which sounds kind of fun and naughty.

Mr Farty said...

Borrowing a duck's body would be pretty cool. Swimming. FLYING! Having lovely soft feathers. The dating scene would be a lot simpler too.

Anonymous said...

i would DIE for my body a few years back.. and 'waste' wasn't the word - the thought didn't even cross my mind that i would one day possess the dreaded bingo wings and orange peel thighs..
and the dik dik? try being the 'lumpy best friend' constantly trying to keep up with the elfen strides of her 6"2 companion.. i think i loathe her and love her in equal measure - ive learnt to live with it though, just never stand too close when someone whips out the camera and never, i repeat: NEVER go underwear/food shopping together!!

Waffle said...

Many things to say, no time. Tomorrow will be better, BUT

Helen has some to add. She always says funny things on email, then never adds them here. She would like to be:

"a toddler (but with an adult brain)


a tattooed lady (like, all over, circus style)

one of those mathematicians at MIT that always sound like they are close to tears with the sheer joy of working with numbers every day. How great would it be to love your job THAT MUCH?"

Then I decided I would also very much like to be a Mexican circus were-person with hair all over my face. My choices were spur of the moment and not thought out. I want them back!

Also, Mr Farty? Have you forgotten Antonia's recent post? Skreek? Are you sure you want your bits stretched like that?

Z said...

I'll be a mongrel dog please, with long silky blond hair and floppy ears.

Waffle said...

Ert hat was supposed to say "love your dweeby job that much" My brain has been sucked out of my ear by flesh eating zombie dog.

Anonymous said...

I'd like my pre-children body back too. I didn't appreciate it then, but looking at the photos I realise it was quite nice really.

On the enlarged parts of body thing - I did my Law Soc Finals with someone who used to row for Oxford or Cambridge and he had Enormous Thighs. He told me he had to have his jeans made for him cos he couldn't get standard ones to fit.

ptooie said...

I wanna go back to me 10 years ago (the year of college). College was all up and down hills, so I got as lean as genetics will ever let me get.
Heck, pre-children would even be nice, at least then I could buy bras in stores rather than having to order them online.

justme said...

Hmmmm. Think I would like to be a cat. Or failing that....just I was 20 years ago. I didn't appreciate enough how lovely I was.

Kate said...

I want to have tiny little boobs.

Or I want to be Selma Hayek or Penelope Cruz. I want to have dark hair and an accent (yes, I know I have an accent when I speak French... that doesn't count)

Or hell, as a last resort, I'd take back the body I had before I got pregnant. When I weighed ahemthirtyfiveahempoundsahem less and my boobs didn't permanently touch my rib cage.

So, Alex, dear, I still owe you an email and have a question for you. I am going to sleep tonight in a Nyquil induced haze and then if I can manage to get the toddler out of the house tomorrow morning, I will write you.


Anonymous said...

Elle Macpherson.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

A go-go dancer with a biggish butt and strong abs. Someone badass but feminine. Ah, it's nice to dream...

Anonymous said...

Whose body to choose? Hmm, basically anyone with boobs that don't sag down to be tucked into my trousers, which are admittedly high-waisted to hide the Sharpei-dog tummy skin. Pretty much anyone who hasn't had children then.

indigo16 said...

Like many before me I would love my teenage body back because now I would appreciate it. Failing that Darcy Bussell because I long to know what it must be like to do the splits and dance like that.
On the whole skinny front One of my daughters is super thin and I can tell you she does not like it. She gets a constant stream of bitchy remarks from her peers and recently broke down for failing to fill a 28 AA cup bra when her sister is a DD. Trust me it is not as fun as it looks.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Skrat, the Squirrel Rat, of Ice Age fame!

Unbelievably WV is slismdyk Slim as dykdyk! BTWm JW, you are slender and elegant in your pics, so there! x

Waffle said...

KP - really? He looks a little synthetic to me, like a cheap parka hood.

Mud - Might be a little unyielding as sofa. Better dining chair?

Mrs T - WHAT FUN IS THAT. Choose properly.

Sue - oh yes, I get that. Especially in winter when it is dark; arrive and realise hem down, chocolate stains on chest, blob of foundation on nose.

Pochyemu - yes, it would be bloody great wouldn't it. Agreed.

Jessica K - HELL YES. The sex part.

Persephone - I want the chance to find out!

LBTW - HOW large. I can barely imagine in real life.

Katyboo - oh yes, she looks amazing.

Mrs Jones! I min 13? Are you tall? Where did you choose to be? Top, bottom or standing up?

LLG - 5'5"5 IS tall for me. Me = 5'4"

tal - I KNOW. Who are the rabid loons who complained? Horrible.

screamish - I don't believe you. I am sure you are still beautiful.

mothership/cassandra - I don't get Daniel Craig. I just don't. But by all means borrow him.

Vic - dik dik dik dik. Whereas my shoes go ark ark ark like rabid seagulls.

Nikki - Yes! Classic dik dik.

Grit - "2 pounds of lard shoved down a pair of value tesco tights. in beige" conjures up an abiding mental image. I am thinking Marc Quinn (blood head guy) could sculpt such a thing?

Cassandra - Bardot's body, yes, but not her brain please.

Jessica K - I doubt Robson Green has held up well. Am off to google image and find out.

Mr F -Cloaca. Skreek. Enough said.

tragicanon - oh, paris colleague is like this! Except she is tiny. But a tiny tiny perfect dik dik. I am the lumpen warthog crashing around behind her, ignored by all.

CA - bleurgh. Thighs that large frighten me. Like something off Gladiators.

Ptooie - I am encouraged by how many people just want their own bodies back. Shame we can't just engineer it somehow.

Justme - show us the photos!

Kate - is there such a thing as boobs that don't touch your rib cage? Because I have never met them. And I want to.

Wife in HK - Ok, but I want you to wear a cycle helmet please.

Steam me up - Yes. I wanted to say something about a really high round arse, but it sounded so pervy I stopped. But YES. Oh, and I like your blog.

More than a Mother - Be a giraffe! Or a bendy Cirque de Soleil contortionist! Unsaggy belly flesh is overrated.

indigo16 - I just want to try it for a while. And not aged 16 because I totally agree that would be torture..

Woman - slim dyk indeed.

Mrs Jones said...

With regard to surviving the velociraptor, I'm average height, chose to be standing up but (and I think this might be the reason) I did 2 years of Chinese Kickboxing classes in the mid-90s and got halfway up the belts (I still recall with pride that I could once kick a blackbelt bloke to the floor, and once gave another bloke a bloody nose - they were defending themselves poorly, you see. I refuse, however, to remember the fact that they both managed to kick my arse around the gym afterwards!)

monk said...

I'd like to be ungainly for a bit. Like a new-born giraffe. Or a new-born Alex Wek, I imagine

Millennium Housewife said...

wonder woman's. just to have a chance at wearing big pants on the high street

Juci said...

While I understand the sentiment, inhabiting a post-child body that has never been outstandingly attractive myself, let me just throw in the cliché that I would appreciate the Dik Dik's visually pleasing aesthetics for about five seconds, then I'd be distracted by the intriguing REAL person that is walking behind her, who looks so much more like someone who has a personality. Five minutes of conversation with both of you would prove my first impression right. Actually, it might be difficult to maintain five minutes of worthwhile conversation with the Dik Dik, unless I was willing to talk about her, of course. Or listen to her talk about herself. Sure, not all Dik Diks are shallow, but then none of them are Jaywalker either. Since when do builders get the final vote?
Having said that, my own body at 21 would do nicely. Anything more glamorous than that would require serious readjustment regarding my disastrous self image. I sort of prefer having minority complexes than causing others to have them.

The Spicers said...

I have to tell you that my son's favorite animal is the naked mole rat. Every time we go to our local zoo, he completely ignores the elephants and giraffes, who share a building with the naked mole rat family.
And I'm in awe of Alec Wek too.
And I wouldn't mind spending a week as either Gisele or Angelina, just to see how it feels to be distractingly gorgeous.

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