Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Bite sized chunks of stupid

All my posts are too long at the moment. Blah blah blah blah gibber gibber. This one will take the form of small but tasty morsels of nothingness.

1. Ask yourself, Delhaize, what would Waitrose do?

Clingfilm should not be next to magazines, Belgian supermarkets. It makes NO SENSE. Take your clingfilm and your aluminium foil and place it somewhere sensible, like perhaps next to the freezer bags. I see straight through your cunning attempts to make me impulse purchase Flair magazine.

2. Things on top of the piano

A shrunken head made from a potato, a make your own sweets kit, my UK credit card (which must be destroyed, as causes many, many problems), a far too hard dinosaur DVD game thing Linda Grant book, a loo roll, a book called The Bellini Card, ancient pictures of me in my Sylvia Plath phase, plus one where I am wrapped in a curtain with a lampshade on my head and another where I am thrashing Rachel Poole in the beanbag on head race, an ultra violent comic strip drawn by Lashes' friend Talkative featuring someone getting crushed by a 200 tonne weight, bone shaped tripe snacks, 8 miles of cable. 4 mugs. A lint coated slime alien. Lots of sheet music, most of it far too hard for me. Various puzzling Japanese postcards saying things like "I hire the elephant with the red ball. We are going to show someone our daring stunts" and "Even though I look scary I have a tender mind. No doubt about it".

3. Cunning schemes to make my fortune part 817

Working from home has given me ample opportunity to observe the life cycle of the tortoise. It is extremely dull, though restful. I wonder if I should give it a go.

10:00 Wake up

10:30 Eat lettuce

11:00 Have a nap under warm lamp

11:30 Climb over each other

12:00 Nap under warm lamp

12:30 Eat lettuce

13:00 Nap under warm lamp

13:30 Climb over each other

14:30 Bump shell against edge of house repetitively

15:00 Nap under warm lamp

15:30 Fall over

16:00 Eventually right self

16:30 Eat lettuce

17:00 Nap under warm lamp

17:30 Bump shell against edge of house repetitively

18:00 Bed

Given the ardour with which the world observes the lifestyle and diet of the ancients of Okinawa, I think I could write a bestseller based on the secrets to longevity, tortoise style. "Tortoises don't get Botox" perhaps. We will draw a veil over any penis based revelations. Or, save them for the follow up, "Tortoises don't need genitals".

I do not think, however, a book based on the lifestyle of the weepette would have much success, except as perhaps a companion volume to Skinny Bitch. It could be called Bony Twerp, and would detail the healthgiving properties of running in smaller and smaller circles until you fall over, eating tissues (Anorexics do that don't they? So does the weepette. Hmm), bumping into things and becoming transfixed by pigeons.

5. Where was my sponsor in my hour of need?

I bought a dress today. That was a bad thing. The dress, however, is a very good thing. Wait, let me go and take its picture. It is The Same as All the Other Dresses. I will demonstrate.

Old dress

Newer dress

Today's dress (Vanessa Bruno. The detail around the neck reminded me of an ancient Swiss cotton vest I inherited from my mum and still love):

Because, you never know. One day there may be a world shortage of black silk dresses with bows on.

6. The ugliest dinner ever or why if you ever come to stay, we're getting a takeaway

The CFO came home and said "mm! Something smells good!" as he walked in the house. When he saw this, he recoiled in horror and refused all nourishment. I can quite see why.


Mutter said...

Am I the first? Nice dress, shame about the dinner.

Anonymous said...

I really like the new dress too. And why even worry about having many black dresses with bows? I mean, you have many pairs of underwear or socks too, don't you? At least more people get to see the dresses.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

New dress, me likey! I might get my leg in there... On a good day!

I'm coming back as a tortoise in the next life... Or a Weepette!

Anonymous said...

I love pinklea's logic.

Dresses are lovely. My fave is the See by Chloe. The newest is most summer like, while the oldest is quite winteryish.

Dinner does look scary. Next time cut those thingies up and throw in some bell peppers and onions.


Anonymous said...

I want that dress.Not so sure about the Cumberland Poo.

tania said...

I know I'm late reading this but I just got a link to your blog after seeing the recent 100 best blogs article in the S Times.Well,I'm now up to speed and hooked! Just like I am on another I've just come across about a similar move south - from London to Andalucia.Absolutely hilarious like yours.(PS That one's called The Johnson Diaries: Life on the Edge at
Good luck & more of the same!

Titian red said...

Dresses are yum - altho know I would look like badly stuffed black pudding were I to try them, fantasy = slim elegance, reality = black pudding ! Having thought about the cling film could the placement not be to allow you to choose which magazines should be wrapped rather than just the top shelf in the true spirit of European openness ?

Aaaarghh ! my WV is "yogging", not sure if this is what I need to do to fit black dress, or what I have done so I won't !

katyboo1 said...

urgh! That's one hideously ugly sausage, and they're not exactly known for their beauty at the best of times. I have eaten my own bodyweight in prawn risotto. I have eaten it whilst cooking it, eaten it while it was hot, and am now eating it cold. Thank God I bought my new coat too big. Now I can grow into it (Ronit Zilkha pea coat thingy, big flared sleeves. I look like an exhausted bat).

Nice dress. I cannot see the problem with having lbd's up to your eyebrows. It's an investment.

Mya said...

That looks like something picked up at the parc du caca - not the dress, the dress is divine.

Mya x

fabhat said...

I like all the dresses, especially the new one - but are you sure the weepette didn't supply the dinner...

Welsh Girl said...

I now long to be a tortoise. I feel I would be skilled at it and would put dedication and body and soul into ensuring I stuck to the exhaustive schedule of napping and eating lettuce (could I have chocolate too please?)

Liberty London Girl said...

What the f**k? maybe chop up the sausage next time? That is truly horrific-ly off putting my love.

On a better, brighter note, dress look s remarkably similar to the dozen or so in my wardrobe. If it works... LLGxx

Helen Brocklebank said...

dress lovely. you definitely had to buy it. Very, very similar to the one I made you buy from David Sveto in Dover Street market (didn't obviously cos you were in Brussels and I was in Dover St. But was thinking about your homesick post and then it turned me into a psycho internet stalker doing your virtual shopping for you. do you think I need help?) x

Anonymous said...

Jesus God. That's a long... sausage. Not turd. Not turd at all. Sausage.

Lovely dresses though.

My word verification is UnDawkin. Creationist, much?!

Anonymous said...

The dress is lovely. When you find something that works for you, buy it (I say this after finding another pair of long beige-y trousers today. I already have 4 pairs.) If you can work the bow, more power to you.

monk said...

Lucky you have nice dresses, as I can't for the life of me work out what exactly you had planned for dinner. And how it could ever have looked any different...

But beautiful dresses, which is infinitely more important than dinner

wv = uritsor, which is what you'd probably get if you ate it

justme said...

Dresses are lovely. All of them. Good buy!
Sausages quite disgusting. Manky.

Anonymous said...

The dinner has left me feeling quite ill! Nice dress though.

GingerB said...

I think it is safe to say the weepette didn't make that sausage because there is no way his entrails are as long as that sausage, and anyway, can he walk in circles that tight?? He can? Ohhhhh.

Good thing you got such a lovely dress.

Cassandra said...

JESUS WEPT Jaywalker. Just when i think it can't get any worse - we've had the rancid credit crunch soup, the horror fiction entitled Half a Cock - you throw in a poo stew! And then you try to mask the nightmare behind a posh frock. I think that I might have (to quote the Honeys) come to the end of the line....

Mr Farty said...

"Cumberland Poo". Couldn't have put it better myself.

Please don't ask me to comment on one scrap of black vs another, I'm a man. Although come to think of it, I feel the same about one box on wheels vs another. Get over it, motorists!

Travellingone said...

I sympathize - I've got about six or eight (more) black and white dresses.

They all look different, really.

Laura Jane said...

Oh. MY. (about the dinner)

The LBD however is really quite divine. God forbid there should EVER be a shortage of such fabulous things as black silk dresses with bows.

Anonymous said...

Superb dress! I seem to be going in for an infinite number of grey dresses, over here. I bought two such frocks just last week, one of which was really definitely more extravagant than I had any business doing, and it was a good thing I had my friend there to stop me from buying the eight-hundred-dollar shoes that the shop girl blithely brought out for me to try on with it. (They were AMAZING though, sexy and very weird and comfortable too.)

Word: trise -- so sad to have passed up shoes I cannot afford that I've dropped a t! (t-strap, perhaps?)

Waffle said...

Wife - I know. God, I hate cooking.

Pinklea - your reasoning is impeccable.

Woman - I recommend tortoise. Weepette seems to spend much of life pointlessly longing for things (bagels, chocolate biscuits, credit cards, other non dog friendly stuff).

Jools - yes, but then I would just be required to take them out again as Disgusting Foreign Bodies. CBA. Cannot Be Arsed (thank you Sue).

Jenny - wise woman.

Londongirl - why thank you!

Titian - I really like your supermarket theory. Next time I will wrap motoring and Jesus magazines and see what happens.

Katyboo - Belgian sausages are uniformly awful. It is a trial. I want those weeny Sainsburys organic ones in the dark blue packet w the picture of a happy pig on that cook in a nanosecond.

Mya - It does. I confirm that.

fabhat - see Ginger's theory on this below, which I had to read out sobbing with laughter to CFO.

Welshgirl - sometimes they grind the marrow out of bones with their hard hard jaws. Could you do that, hmm?

LLG - vile no? I wish someone here could cook.

Mrs Trefusis - oh, I am so glad you encouraged me to buy that virtual dress, but presumably the discrepancies in my bank balance are your fault then?

HFF - yes. keep repeating it until you believe it.

Jessica - you think? Shouldn't we branch out occasionally? Or is this the 'signature style' Shane Watson says we must develop?

Monk - generally I don't know myself. I apply heat to something out of the fridge at random and see what happens.

Justme - you are right. Even Prince Charles'

rosiescribble - at least you only had to look at it.

Ginger - oh, you did make me laugh. Yes! tight circles are his speciality! Urgh.

Cassandra - oh, don't go now. Wait til you see what they serve you in chip vans in Brussels...

Mr Farty - ok, you are exempted. And awful Jeremy Clarkson is coming to get you.

Travellingone - yup, let's just keep telling ourselves that, eh?

Laura Jane - I need culinary help. Really I do.

redfox - oh, yes, salesgirl tried same weasle trick on me yesterday. "Try it with these escarpins" (Marc Jacobs tan peep toes nice heel height, maybe 8cm that she had SEEN me staring at in window). Had to run very fast. Can you find me a pic of the $800 shoes? Go oooon.

Mickle in NZ said...

The new dress is wonderful. The CFO needs to learn Black Dresses are like black shoes. You just have to have them in many different styles and heel heights, yes even many with bows on them.

Confess I am secretly craving a paid of black shoes - with a bow on each shoe - I've just seen. Have no money at all to spare so craving will linger. Gleam of hope in winter sales in August (please, please).

The tortoisy ones are heaps more active than my cat, and is only Autumn (just) here.

Am sure sausages tasted okay......

Anonymous said...

I can't believe no-one's said this already (unless I have missed it, in which case apologies), but surely you simply cannot possibly have too many black dresses? No? I'm sure of it. They all look gorgeous btw.

The sausage looks...less gorgeous, but if it smelled good then Ibet it tasted good too.

WV is "hawkx", it's a new detective show with a supernatural twist that channel 5 have just imported from the States.

Waffle said...

Chantal - Hawkx! I'm buying the box set. Whilst I agree, you can't have too many black dresses, it is equally true, sadly, that you CAN have too little money.

The Spicers said...

Can one ever have too many black dresses? Love the Vanessa Bruno!
And that dinner: you weren't kidding.

H said...

Cumberland poo. Ha! Surely that is definitely viande.

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