Friday, 20 February 2009

Things that would improve today*

1. A really good dry cappucino from Patisserie Valerie in Spitalfields, where they pile the foam so high it falls off the sides of the cup. Actually, TWO of those. With a giant fat doughy Pat Val croissant. And a new book by Elinor Lipman or Curtis Sittenfeld or similar.

2. Making the last chunk of yesterday vanish. 6pm onwards should do it.

3. Someone to go to Decathlon for me. Someone who, unlike me, will not get lost on the way and end up crying hysterically in an industrial estate in Mechelen as the GPS barks incomprehensible instructions in Italian.

4. New lips that don't invite me to destroy them.

5. A body double to go on holiday for me. One who will be nice and smile and say the right things and enjoy the potage and herself, while the real me hides out in a warm dark cupboard with the internets being horrible.

6. One of my friends here, within hugging distance. Someone to say "well, you might behave like a shithead, but you are our shithead and we like you very much". Then maybe I would cry on their shoulder for a while, but hopefully not in a snotty way, because I know BMF would hate that. Violet might be ok with it, but still. It's not very considerate, is it.

7. A meal not entirely composed of white food.

8. A very softly lit human sized nest made out of the softest goat belly hair. The nest will have WiFi, many duvets and pillows, the complete oeuvre of PG Wodehouse and Nancy Mitford, limitless tea and small cakes, weepette fired heating, and an electric fence preventing entry.

However, if I have to choose just one, it would have to be erasing last night.

And since I can't have any of them, I'll have to just have these photos of the robot dance:

What would improve your day?

*We must of course take world peace, end to hunger and disease, reversal of global warming as a given in this list. Because otherwise I might seem petty and self-absorbed! And we couldn't have that, my goodness no.


ptooie said...

I would never call you a shithead, but whatever you are, you're ours, and we love you very much.

Way cool robot dance. That robot has mad skillz. He sure can yeroove (wv).

justme said...

The Robot dance is indeed very cool and must be some consolation. I think you are suffering from anxiety about forthcoming internets deprivation. This is quite reasonable. Anyone would. And here is a virtual hug. HUG!
Because certainly we all love you on here.
And if we could give you all those things, we would......
WHY do you have to go to Decathlon btw? And does your sat nav not have different language settings?
What happened last night?

Anonymous said...

What would improve today? erm, it's another of those "done nothing" days. so almost anything - not having to go to the job centre ("plus") again tomorrow maybe?

I digress.
of course of course you can borrow my shoulder. and i am totally ok with snotty (esp after the christmas vomit incident. No, not your vomit i know). Am sending a big hug, and an imaginary lavish gift (would send a real one but for penury).
And, i agree with ptooie and justme we LOVE you very much.

are you seriously going to be without internets whilst en vacances? ye gods....

Jen said...

What would improve today? Not coughing...I'm tired of being sick.

Have you read American Wife by Sittenfeld? I think it is her latest and it was very good. She is so good at character development.

Anonymous said...

Ah, bless you. Sending virtual hugs (hate that phrase, but whatever).

I just got up to get a Tunnocks Teacake from our staffroom, but they'd all been eaten. But then I saw the Robot Dance, and that improved my day immensely.

I am also off to monkey-dance with my niece at 5pm (I am Fake Auntie Monkey), which will also help.

Btw, my WV is 'conse' - that's a better word than 'virtual hug'! I am now sending you conses across the internets x

Red Shoes said...

Robot Dance. Robot Power. Robot Dance. Robot FOREVER!

To you, darling JW, I say you are most definitely, definitely loved and I'm so sorry that whatever happened last night was so distressing. Your nest sounds perfect. May everything get immediately better. Hugs and hugs.

lisahgolden said...

You know I just told Garbo to find her own damn shoes this morning because I was busy working on world peace and battling global warming. She may have gone to school barefoot, but I'm only dancing as fast as I can here.

Now the robot dance? That makes it all better, doesn't it?

Teena Vallerine said...

I want to do the robot dance! That must make anyone feel better! What an inspired robot he is.
As for last night, well, it's gone and will never be again. Just do today differently and accept you're as human as the rest of us - I blame the carbohydrates! t.xx

A Woman Of No Importance said...

You had me at the Robotdance, but the staring dog is phenomenal! Is there room in the weepette heat-fired nest for all your followers from internets, JW?

p.s. Good chocolate always makes me feel better...

Mum's the word said...

For me, it's got to be no:1, plus some really good chocolate and plenty of sunshine, while walking across the Heath.
Really enjoyed your latest post.

monk said...

I bought a fur hat yesterday, and put it on when I got home. I took it off this morning, against my better judgment, to go to work, and it was downhill from there.

I recommend it, my head has never felt so cocooned, and I imagine I looked svelte, aloof and russian as well. I veiled the mirrors, just in case

Anonymous said...

I choose erasing last night after 6pm and turning Husband into a robot.
Oh wait, I think he is one already, just without a cute suit and the dance ability.
Can I come to the nest too? I'm very good with snot..

katyboo1 said...

I shall get my cousin to work faster on his Tardis and we can go back and erase last night.

I do love you in a never met you type way.

I am sending you my gift for the surprise competition because a) it was the most surprising thing and b) you need it.

I have not thought what it is yet, but when you get back from a week in nylon ski hell it will be waiting for you.

Anonymous said...

When you create your nest, JW, you must patent it, then you will make millions off the design. I'll buy several, and I'd bet everyone in blogland will, too.
BTW, my wv is "inestg". I think it's a sign ... or maybe the name of your invention.
Try to have some fun on the holiday. We'll all be here when you get back!

Anonymous said...

What always improves my day - firing up the RSS reader and seeing a little (1) next to Belgian Waffle.

Yoli said...

What a lovely blog you have here. Not to mention the cool robot!

The Spicers said...

I'm anxiously awaiting Curtis Sittenfeld's next book too. Just finished American Wife, which made me strangley sympathetic to Laura Bush. But George was just as hateful as ever.

Now I'm dying to know what happened last night!

Mr Farty said...

Your goat-hair nest sounds fab. That and having Kylie Minogue read your blog posts to me.

New lips? Are they from Amsterdam?

I like you, J-Dub.

Nikki said...

I'd like a haircut and massage. Like, two-hour, deep-tissue, hippy-dippy-whale-music in the background, incense-burning MASSAGE. I'll send one your way, too. Perhaps you can loll in your nest as you're massaged. I blow kisses in your general direction.

Summer Kinard said...

I just want some chocolate. Damned Lent approaches, and I was trying to get a head start. But I think I need some chocolate.

I love the robot dance. Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto.

-a.k.a. Phoenix Berries

Mickle in NZ said...

First I thought the wonderful Robot Dance brightened my day...until I saw the dog and the cupcakes.

Even my cat was mesmerised by that one - Victoria failing? Don't let Oscasr see it.

Sending warm huggles, Mickle

Potty Mummy said...

Aha Jaywalker. Hail to another house with tinfoil lookalike robots. What else could half term be for? (And congratulations on making it into the Sunday Times best 100 blog list, btw. Am I the first to say that? I doubt it somehow...)

Anonymous said...

So pleased to see you included in Sunday TImes best 100 blogs. Am feeling very 'avant garde' having discovered you all by myself. Thank you for being our very own beloved 's..t-head'

Belle said...

You know I love that robot dance...

JChevais said...

Improving today would be a little like your number 8.

However, since this is a work day and a Monday and I was treated to an email from my boss that I didn't read properly because (a) it was early still and I hadn't had coffee yet, and (b) Monday: need I say more, I got a nasty phone call from said boss who INSISTED that what he wanted was URGENT but not urgent enough for him NOT to try and humilate me with "READ ME WHAT I WROTE TO YOU IN MY EMAIL". Gah.

So. The wine lunch helped.


It'll have to do.

Hope you are not being electrocuted on the slopes by nylon friction. Hugs.

La Belette Rouge said...

I wish I was there so I could give you the hug you needed and to hear the words you need to say and to stop and pick up a cappucino for you, as well as the other essentials.

p.s. I have given you a little awards. It is not as good as a new book but it's something.xo

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness - this certainly improved my day a lot.. You gave me a real belly laugh! And you got a robot dance as a consolation too... Your cup runneth over...

My day would improve if the kids weren't sick .. and bickering.. if I could get out into the sunny snow... if I could join you for that coffee and croissant.. oh, with a side order of dark chocolate please.

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