Friday, 13 February 2009

For "pram in hall", substitute "dog in tea cosy"

The weepette is my 'sombre enemy of good art*'. I have told him so repeatedly. How can I sit in the cold, cold tortoise room, writing bollocks, when next door there is a fire and a silky, stupid puppy? I can't. I end up lying on the floor having my ears chewed and dozing. It is hopeless. Beyond my ill-formed plan to become the Belgian Amy Sedaris, presumably through the operation of black magic, I am largely without purpose. Also, I wonder, how many times can I write round and round in circles about the fact that I am doing absolutely FUCK ALL? Very many indeed it would appear. But how long will your patience last? I promise to write about other stuff soon. Stuff that involves me removing my head from my own deformed navel. But, you know, puppy, fire, rain, Belgium. Things are conspiring against me leaving the house. The spirit is willing, but those ears are silky.

I am only here because I have some administrative matters to attend to. "Proper" posting will resume later this evening.

Agenda item 1 - Romance is not dead and this radish proves it

From a very strong field of Valentine's messages (and particular special mentions to Pearl and to Indigo16 whose entries really struck a chord with me), the winner is Razamatazz, with:

"When my drunk best friend* who you think is hot jumped you (twice), you said no, even though I would never have known. Thanks. No, a threesome is not on the cards."

Congratulations Razamatazz! Now select your medium (vegetable or cake/biscuit ideally) and I will make a beautiful tribute to your loved one and display it here tomorrow on "disco ball danse le techtonik all nite" day. Well, if you get back to me in time, that is. Otherwise, not. Obviously.

Agenda item 2 - I see your Scandinavian detective fiction and raise you Montaigne's Essays

Look out for the imminent replacement of 'What I am reading' (middle brow modern novels basically) on the sidebar of gratuitous ugliness with the FAR more exciting "What Prog Rock is reading". He has promised me the inaugural list this afternoon. Expect your brows to be yanked skywards by his various esoteric selections from York Public Library! Ask him follow-up questions! This could be a whole new direction for Belgian Waffle. It will be like the South Bank Show, but with more moths and hosiery and mercifully, less of Melvyn Bragg's hair.

Agenda item 3 - Show me your Wardrobe comes to Belgium - tonite

I have been trying to inveigle the CFO into doing this all week. He refused last night as he was "too cold" but there is no escape today. I have thrown a whole packet of firelighters into the grate and am painstakingly crafting him a cocklewarming frozen pizza. He is MINE ALL MINE. So if you have any particular looks or outfits you would like to see me or the CFO sporting, or places you would like the 'shoot' to take place (IN the house, remember the "cold" factor) do stick them in the comments box. And remember to tune in later tonight.

*Hey! It turns out that Cyril Connolly died on the very day I was born. This seems somehow fitting. Screw you, Connolly, a child is born this day in York and now you are dead. Talk about sombre enemy. [evil laughter]


Razzmatazz said...

1)Cake cake cake! (thank you! I have never won anything before. This is so exciting that I am composing Kate Winslet-esque acceptance speeches in my head.I'm not wearing waterproof mascara though, so it would end very badly. Hurrah!)

2)I had to defend my obsessive following of celebrities and their tiny lives to above boyfriend earlier today, which made me feel v moronic and small. BUT with the help of Prog Rock now I can namecheck things the clever people read. Huzzah! Please pass on my thanks in advance.

3)SMYW: it was Jaywalker, in the Bathroom, with the socks/sandals and the too small wetsuit jacket. (Does he own anything in mustard?)

and finally: my verification word is 'coltur', which I am assuming is a handpicked mix of culture and coture especially for this missive. Please, Blogger, don't shatter my dreams.


justme said...

Get a laptop! Then you can sit by the fire any type while your toes fondle the silky ears. Multi task!

expateek said...

Good thing you're home and safe by the fire, because check what happened with Pochyemu at our blog meet-up!

Sometimes safe and boring is good!

Liberty London Girl said...

Well, obviously, I want to see you in MY black Reiss induce more self-loathing... I'd quite like to see the weepette in something. I have whippet withdrawal. LLGxx

screamish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
screamish said...

sorry my comment had unbearably high number of spelling mistakes

as i was saying:

i want you both in the outfit you love but the other one despises...drinking something to your CD collection...the puppy must appear somewhere too(have I understood this task correcty? or am i acting out again...I find this all strangely exciting)

13 February 2009 17:04

Jaywalker said...

Razzamatazz - cake it is. I am SO HAPPY you chose cake. It is more forgiving than, say, celeriac.

Justme - I have one, but he eats it. Dilemma.

Expateek - no! What happened? Now I'm fretting.

LLG - believe me it will make you feel good about yourself, not bad. I have been mainlining cake for weeks in a sort of "la, I am so liberated! Food is my friend!" way. This is always precursor to realising i have put on a stone and getting depressed.

Screamish - no, that is perfect and can be arranged.

expateek said...

Come over and look, too difficult to explain, photos tell the whole story... rest assured, P is safe and sound!

Jaywalker said...

Expateek - Checked. Very jealous. I NEVER get any fun. Also now I feel like a moron because I just EMAILED Pochyemu to check if she was ok! DUH.

K said...

My cats also trick me into being lazy. I'd be much more productive if I didn't have a pet to distract me.

Liberty London Girl said...

apropos of bugger all, have just realised that I am wearing THE dress in my blog byline picture. LLGxx

ps don't forget that we need weepette action

Jaywalker said...

LLG - the dress AND the weepette feature. On way. Only 2 more photos to upload at the speed of a snail on temazepam...

Going to check your pic now. I didn't recognise! SHAME ON ME.

Red Shoes said...

I can't thank you enough for the photo switch. Floral genitalia is working for me. Eternally grateful.

Jaywalker said...

K - yes, but it provides an excuse, which is also invaluable. Dilemmas!

Red Shoes - If fourstar were here he would be saying 'floral genitalia is working for me' is his new email sign off.

katyboo1 said...

I want to know how prog rock is getting on with The Tulip. I bought it because it promised to be stylish, thrilling and fabulous. It turned out to be about dull Dutch money graspers and bulbs.

Jaywalker said...

Katyboo - your answer:

"Really liked the pictures. Narrative includes lots of interesting stuff,
my favourite bit the account of the 19th C British fanciers. Would have liked more history context stuff, but after all it's a tulip book not a historian's book".

katyboo1 said...

Thank you.
I too really liked the pictures. I also quite liked the bits about the Islamic pictures of tulips. I think I would have been less disappointed if I hadn't believed the hype on the cover. I kind of wanted it to be 'Girl With a Pearl Earring' but with more tulips.

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