Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Cuisine du Terror


CFO: Let's make soupe à l'ognion! It's virtually free since we have these free onions from Fatima.

E: Must we?

CFO: Yes. Ah. We need beef stock.

E: Oh, well we don't have any, so let's give up and have sushi.

CFO: No, Monsieur Cambier [the owner of the cat-ridden tardis of a corner shop two doors from ours] will have some.

E: Hmm. From 1978 perhaps. Have you forgotten the fish sauce débâcle?

....


CFO: See? Three jars of fond de boeuf.

E: What on earth is that? It's made from hooves isn't it? Hooves and lips and bowels.

CFO: All the more flavour. Now let's get chopping!

E: Why are you so lively? You haven't been cheerful since the Top Gear Christmas special. Is the thought of saving money really so delightful to you?

CFO: Aaaaaargh I can't see this hurts too much you'll have to take over.

E: How did I guess this might happen? Pass me the goggles. And the gin. And chocolate.

.....

Spawn: What is that DISGUSTING SMELL. Aaaah!

E: Don't worry. It's not for you. It's your father's new project. You can have pasta. Plain, dry pasta perhaps.

Spawn: Je vais vomir [flees]

CFO: Is it brown enough? I'm not sure it's brown enough!

E: It looks plenty brown to me. "Brown" is, in fact, the first word that comes to mind.

CFO: Taste it.

E: Why me?

CFO: I don't want to taste it until it's finished.

E: Whatever the fuck. [Tastes]. Huh. It's sweet. And it tastes of lips. Add more salt.

CFO: How about now?

E: What, me again? Gah. [Tastes] I really don't know. Is it supposed to taste like this? [proffers spoon]. Here.

CFO: NO! I told you, I don't want to taste until it's finished.

E: Can you hear how insane that sounds? No? Just me then. Listen. It tastes like it looks. I can't say better than that.

CFO: Let's just leave it for a while. To mature.

.....

E: Have you noticed? The whole house smells like one of those dodgy hotdog stands outside the British Museum. I hope you are proud.

CFO: Right. Soup time. Ah! Delicious, home made, economical soup.

...

...

...

CFO: I think maybe there's too much fond de boeuf. I'm going to add some more water.

...

CFO: And maybe some cabbage.

...

CFO: And some bread. There. What do you think?

E: Indescribable. And so much of it! It's a culinary miracle.

CFO: [slightly chastened] I'm not sure I'd do that again.


Then he left the country for a week of expense account lunches and room service dinners. Leaving me sole custodian of the cauldron. I have been dutifully consuming it for days, but there's still as much as when I started, I swear.

Feast your eyes, and be glad that's all you're feasting.


CFO's Soupe à l'Ognion




Day 4




I told you - it defies the laws of physics. I'm taking it off down the patent office. This could be the answer to all our prayers.

34 comments:

expateek said...

All I can say is, Nigella has some serious competition! Bon appetit!

If you're feeling peckish, come over and snack on what the movers haven't packed. Rice crackers, weird Taiwanese snack foods, pancake mix, and capers. It's all yours!

Mrs C said...

Yikes for the "corridors of ennui". You work corporate, right? Nasty.

screamish said...

lips? it tastes of LIPS? what IS that ?

katyboo1 said...

Eeek!

I love onion soup. Absolutely love it. Minus hooves mind you.

I've always found adding large amounts of onions to a bottle of white wine and some vegetable stock quite an acceptable way of making onion soup.

Mind you, it does make one fart like a billy goat. Good for credit crunch. Not so good for the environment.

Try freezing the rest and pretending it's stock cubes?

Anonymous said...

ok. that looks DISGUSTING. foul. don't eat it.

justme said...

Nasty. The sackings AND the soup.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

JW, your life appears so glamorous to the outsider, er until the sackings and lips 'n' hooves repast!

Never mind, 'Dodgy hot dog stands are the new black' - I've just heard of a posh-ish friend of a friend who is having said hot-dog stands, including those purveying burgers and ice creams, at her wedding reception - I kid you not - It might be catching on?!

Zed said...

Onion soup is lovely, but I can't say that I was overly excited at the sight of the CFOs concoction. There's a slide-show on my photo-page of how to make soup.

The instructions were written by Q - à la Posh Nosh.

Mya said...

Cut out the middleman and just flush it straight down the lav.

I had so many chores and things to do this afternoon, but I am afraid I got totally side-tracked by your brilliantly told stories of you and the CFO. Don't worry about getting the sack, I shouldn't think you'd have much difficulty attracting the interest of a publisher.Great stuff.
Mya x

Sinda said...

Lips - I suspected as much.

I was with the CFO until he LEFT TOWN. You can't brew up a batch of funky soup and then DEPART, it just isn't done. Next time, pack the soup in his case.

livesbythewoods said...

Mmmmmmm, brown.

You should make "How to..." DVDs and retire from being a scary Eurodrone.

And my verification word is TOGBOAG, which spiunds like what might be the Dutch name for that soup.

livesbythewoods said...

Gah. Spiunds. Sounds.

I ought to read what I write more carefully.

Lisa said...

It's prettier than the Tuscan lentil-brown rice soup I make, but I'm afraid it still looks like it could strip varnish from wood.

I'll stick to feeding my kids dry pasta. They must enjoy it because the spaghetti jar is always left unlatched and I often find bits of uncooked angel hair among the folds of the bordello bed.

Completely Alienne said...

I make onion soup too but it doesn't look like that - but then I use a lot of wine like katyboo and I am not allowed any meat stock in the house as the teenagers are vegetarian and frightened I might poison them with the Wrong Gravy.

Pour it away - he will have forgotten all about it by the time he gets back.

My wv is tudeof - which sounds like a description of the soup.

Persephone said...

Giggling helplessly here in Ottawa while stone soup comes to Brussels. WV: "oustskz" - the sound one makes when spitting soup through soup-tasting lips...

Vanessa said...

"To mature".

This killed me dead! Leave it for him until he returns.

We're having beans pizzaiola, Italian for "broke".

Red Rum said...

You're simply the best
Better than all the rest
Better than any blogger
Any blogger I've never met
I'm stuck on your bleedin' heart
I hang on every word you say
Etc, etc, etc

RRX

Juci said...

Oh my sweet motherfucking Nathan. (Excuse my French.) What the hell is that? You ate that? Unlike Sinda, I am not surprised the CFO left the country. Tell him he's not allowed near the kitchen ever again. Please, for our sakes. I don't want him poisoning you.

Jaywalker said...

Expateek - any one of those things, or all mixed together would have been better than that gruel.

Mrs C - nope. Thank god. Special geektastic euro-department.

Screamish - I am guessing. It tasted like I imagine cow would (Sinda, this is your fault).

Katyboo - I ate it all up. I am SO economical.

Anon - too late. Bleugh.

Justme - quite.

woman - working on a hotdog themed neologism now. "hot dogs are the new ..." No. It's not coming. Ideas?

Zed - Couldn't really be worse could it. But didn't Q not know what a potato was?

Mya - Thank you darling. Too kind. Fingers crossed because selling knock off office supplies won't keep me in Louboutins and puppy food..

Sinda - I can see an idea forming. Credit crunch etiquette handbook, which sections on gruel solidarity and leaving drinks. Yes!

LBTW - I have always wanted to be the Belgian Amy Sedaris. It's a concept I'm finding hard to sell however.

Persephone - truly, it is stone soup. And has inspired Lashes to make his own out of triops food and generic, non-branded refresher sweets.

Vanessa - I am tempted, truly I am. But Parts I-IV of the love story have taught me, with regret, that leaving festering soup for a loved one is not necessarily the thing. Though maybe just a little bowl? "I saved you some darling!"

RR - OMG, you sang Tina to me! We share a birthday, you know. Though she looks in better shape than me.

Juci - I am not proud. Yes, I ate it. I had one of those Activia yoghurts afterwards to try and kill the bad bacteria that were surely lurking.

The glamour. It simply never ends. Exhausting.

BMF said...

stopping lurking again. I keep looking at that "soup". have you honestly eaten that? did lashes and fingers? parental cruelty i reckon

(sorry i did vow only ever to comment when something worth saying, but this just keeps dragging me back)

Grit said...

i will loan you shark for the duration. she is developing a fine repertoire but you will have to eat pastry and puddings. as you can see, she has very english tastes. but as a result of the english style we all have large thighs.

Kitschen Pink said...

Strain it. Pour it in the coffee machine at work (well that couldn't get worse). Tell CFO you ate it all and it was delicious (encourage kitchen endeavours - they deliberately play incompetent to avoid responsibilities). Go buy something edible! t.xx

Kitschen Pink said...

Sorry - I'm being bossy. But really - stop eating that stuff! t.xxx

Kate said...

Oh my god. it sounds like my MIL, though she would be convinced that what she made was heavenly and give us an two hour lecture on how we can all eat it for lunch for daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays at work. Gleeful at the thought of being poverty stricken, I tell you... Gleeful to be in misery. Real people aren't happy you know. Real people don't get take out. It's the salt of the earth, the paysans that know how to live! Sudoku! Onion soup! A slice of cold ham! A few stale aperitifs, what more could you possibly want in a day?!?!

Onion soup actually sounds wonderful to me, though i wouldn't put cabbage in it. ick. I made tilapia and brown rice pilaf tonight. No, no vegetable other than the carrots i put in the rice. Hell, it's the first time I've cooked in ages. I'll cook a veggie next time.

Oh. and WV is furealuc. It sounds either like "for real, luc!" or the idiotic names the horrid children had in this one family I tutored in Paris... "Furealuc, as-tu fait tes devoirs d'anglais avec Kate? Bien, alors, tu peux aller en Fiji pour les vacances d'hiver. Voilà 50 euros pour toi aussi." ugh. my written french is terrible now.

pinklea said...

My ex once made steak à la leather, unbaked potatoes, and salad. Well, the salad was edible. (Yet another reason he's the ex, I guess.)

KSV Woolfoot said...

You know, some people would pay extra for that lip flavor, and maybe a soupcon of ovary, at least they would have done before this recession. I have my fingers crossed for London Superstar

Red Shoes said...

Credit crunch soup has me doubled over in hilarity. Or possibly sympathy food poisoning pangs.

Also crossing fingers for London Superstar and anyone else in jeopardy who doesn't deserve it.

By the way... is that THE BMF in the comments, I see? If so... *waves*

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - Tuscan bean is striking cold dread into my heart. Please, let the CFO never read this.

BMF - I am so glad you have delurked, even if it is ruining your prospects of future happiness and employment. I did eat it. It was as bad as it looks. F and L would barely share a room with it, let alone eat. They had oven chips.

Grit - why, that is my greatest fantasy, someone to make me stodgy english food. We have some fish she could look at in exchange. I will not tell her that this weekend the CFO suggested we, and I quote, "dry them out".

Oh, KP, if only I had followed your advice. But I kept thinking - 'onions! garlic! very healthy. must eat'.

Kate - oh yes. My MIL too. I can hardly wait til our February sequestration. Furealuc also has "furet" in it, sort of. Am imagining floppy haired, v neck pullover wearing, ferret.

pinklea - not cooking at all is better than terrible terrible cooking I think.

KSV - I know! Very Fergus Henderson. And yet, not at all. How is legal doom over your way?

Red Shoe - yes! It is THE BMF! Is it not fantastic? I'd happily fall on my sword redundancy wise, but since they now only pay me chicken feed, it wouldn't do much good. And the CFO would make me eat that stuff every day .

Red Shoes

River said...

Ugh! It looks revolting. two-minute noodles are also elcheapo, but much nicer tasting....

BMF (I think) said...

Hi red shoes. Yes, it's me (well, am assuming - rather arrogantly - that it is. The anecdotes from Jaywalker sound like mine, but she makes them much much funnier).

Anyway, better not comment too much. I've only stopped delurking because I'm unemployed. Actually, as of today. officially. i hope.

Mrs C said...

oof. I worked in a firm that did corporate for 6 years. it was dead boring (which is why I assumed that dept with "corridors of ennui"). I had the easy part because I didn't have to read all those tomes of dust.

Shudder.

Red Rum said...

Have to say that Sinda's "funky soup" has only compounded the horror for me. But she's right. Making "funky soup" only to then sod off is as bad as doing eggy farts then leaving the rest of the family in a hermetically sealed catacomb while you visit lap-dancing clubs. RR

Jaywalker said...

BMF - pah, of course it is you. As if I would have the energy to make more than ONE friend in the last twenty years?

MrsC- oh, we despise them as deal making dullards. We, in contrast, are frightfully cerebral but often forget to dress, or brush hair.

RR - do you think that's what he was up to? I can imagine him pursing his lips and wondering about the cost structure of Spearmint Rhino.

bevchen said...

I always thought onion soup was supposed to be vegetarian, not full of hooves and lips.