CFO: Let's make soupe à l'ognion! It's virtually free since we have these free onions from Fatima.
E: Must we?
CFO: Yes. Ah. We need beef stock.
E: Oh, well we don't have any, so let's give up and have sushi.
CFO: No, Monsieur Cambier [the owner of the cat-ridden tardis of a corner shop two doors from ours] will have some.
E: Hmm. From 1978 perhaps. Have you forgotten the fish sauce débâcle?
CFO: See? Three jars of fond de boeuf.
E: What on earth is that? It's made from hooves isn't it? Hooves and lips and bowels.
CFO: All the more flavour. Now let's get chopping!
E: Why are you so lively? You haven't been cheerful since the Top Gear Christmas special. Is the thought of saving money really so delightful to you?
CFO: Aaaaaargh I can't see this hurts too much you'll have to take over.
E: How did I guess this might happen? Pass me the goggles. And the gin. And chocolate.
Spawn: What is that DISGUSTING SMELL. Aaaah!
E: Don't worry. It's not for you. It's your father's new project. You can have pasta. Plain, dry pasta perhaps.
Spawn: Je vais vomir [flees]
CFO: Is it brown enough? I'm not sure it's brown enough!
E: It looks plenty brown to me. "Brown" is, in fact, the first word that comes to mind.
CFO: Taste it.
E: Why me?
CFO: I don't want to taste it until it's finished.
E: Whatever the fuck. [Tastes]. Huh. It's sweet. And it tastes of lips. Add more salt.
CFO: How about now?
E: What, me again? Gah. [Tastes] I really don't know. Is it supposed to taste like this? [proffers spoon]. Here.
CFO: NO! I told you, I don't want to taste until it's finished.
E: Can you hear how insane that sounds? No? Just me then. Listen. It tastes like it looks. I can't say better than that.
CFO: Let's just leave it for a while. To mature.
E: Have you noticed? The whole house smells like one of those dodgy hotdog stands outside the British Museum. I hope you are proud.
CFO: Right. Soup time. Ah! Delicious, home made, economical soup.
CFO: I think maybe there's too much fond de boeuf. I'm going to add some more water.
CFO: And maybe some cabbage.
CFO: And some bread. There. What do you think?
E: Indescribable. And so much of it! It's a culinary miracle.
CFO: [slightly chastened] I'm not sure I'd do that again.
Then he left the country for a week of expense account lunches and room service dinners. Leaving me sole custodian of the cauldron. I have been dutifully consuming it for days, but there's still as much as when I started, I swear.
Feast your eyes, and be glad that's all you're feasting.
CFO's Soupe à l'Ognion
I told you - it defies the laws of physics. I'm taking it off down the patent office. This could be the answer to all our prayers.