Thursday, 5 February 2009

Confession - February edition

I'm opening the Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional again. I know, it isn't Friday, but I have a lot to get off my chest, and I am sure you do too. (First confession - I love confessional because it gets lots of comments and I am a shameless comments whore). As always - I confess, you give penance, you confess, I give penance. Ready, steady, sin!

1. I am fucking awful at this 3 days at home to concentrate on writing 'thing'. The way it goes is this.
- take children to school (in pyjamas, bien sur) after chaos crunch breakfast shift. Dog breathes sigh of relief after hour of intense molestation and tail pulling. I breathe sigh of relief at blissful silence. Dog goes back to sleep. I play with the internets.
- around ten I get washed. Maybe. On good days. Then play with the internets some more. Make a mental list of all the important administrative things I should be doing.
- Goodness, it's already lunchtime! I have done nothing on list and no writing. Stare into space and eat biscuits.
- It's around 2. Too late to do any of the list things. Tidy kitchen half heartedly and revel in vast sense of achievement. Play with internets until spawn hometime.
- between spawn hometime and CFO hometime, flit backwards and forwards between low rent parenting and checking internets. If pressed, tell spawn I am "working" and will change channels/provide snacks "in a minute". Look up to see they have left a trail of biscuit debris all around the house and are encouraging the dog to chew the sofa. Feign mystification when they are not hungry at dinner time due to biscuit consumption.
- When CFO asks how things are going, tell him pompously that there is lots of thinking time required before he will see any actual output. Imply that playing on internets is all part of my grand plan, and he couldn't possibly understand.
- Get crippling anxiety late at night and get up to fritter more time on internets.

I have written three pages. I can see my entire life skittering away from me as I look out of the window at Aisha the bearded cat and rationalise my way out of going to the Post Office.

2. See point two here. Still not done. I KNOW! Holy mother of Nathan, what is wrong with me? I have a blocage. In my brain. A blocage preventing me walking ten steps down into cellar, noting down number of modem and filling in a form. I am heartily sick of myself. I wish to be made a ward of court, and have all administrative and financial tasks removed from my feeble hands. They could pay me a small allowance, say €3 per day to buy flan. I think it could work.

3. I am trying to work out if I can change working hours again to spend more time with dog. I would totally do it if I thought I could get away with it. I am obsessed with the goddam dog and his silky, silky ears and scrawny body. On work days, when I am heading home, I agonise about who to go and rescue first - puppy or children? Puppy or children? Sometimes I vary this with puppy, children, or cake shop? To date the puppy has not won, but only because it would break his heart if I were to come, give him a stroke, then disappear AGAIN to go get spawn. The cake shop has won twice. I am not a good person at all.

4. I may have implied to several people (boss in particular, who finds it pleasing to refer to me now as 'hausfrau' and ask me how the queues in Delhaize were) that I am in discussions with an agent. This is simply untrue. A nice man emailed me once offering to read what I produce. BUT I HAVE NOT PRODUCED ANYTHING. Aaaaagh! How long can I maintain this charade?!

Ok, enough. I am blushing as I type. Over to you. Anonymous confessions are positively encouraged; ridiculous fake names also. Please don't leave me here all alone with my nest of sin?


Mrs C said...

I'm ashamed to say that 1. is my fear if I didn't have to drag my arse out of bed to go to work. But then i complain about not having time to be an artiste and so, make everyone miserable anyway.


Belle said...

I've never done this before, so these are pretty bad. I hope you don't judge me too harshly for this.
1. I have never been able to work out how to find the euro-sign-thingy on the keyboard. Mazeltov to you!
2. I ate 4 Kit Kat's for breakfast this morning.
3. I think I might have lost the ability to feel guilty.

Pochyemu said...

1. The dog ran away (AGAIN!) the other night, and I told Rob not to go after him. He thought I was joking. I wasn't.

2. I just ate 40,000 mini Daim's for breakfast.

3. I woke up an hour after I was meant to drop the car at the garage for repair this morning, so, in the rush to get there (it's only behind my house) I went wearing nothing but a tank top and my yoga trousers and a long coat to hide the bra-and-knickers-less combo. And then I walked home like that. God, that is a really embarrassing thing to admit, but only because it's true.

Belle said...

Just in case you were unclear.
that would be FOUR as in FOUR WHOLE KitKat's.
Not four fingers.

Belle said...

OMG - Look. I'm cosmically linked with Pochyemu. We were both giving our breakfast menu at the same time!

Pochyemu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaywalker said...

Fucking daims. They are made out of crack, I swear. Another reason to fear the blue and yellow death star.
Packet of palmier biscuits here breakfast posse (though, you know, respect, Belle, and I have a spiritual connection with the kit kat). I will revert on your punishments when I have reflected deeply. Ha.

Belle on mine its alt gr + e. But it's a filthy foreign keyboard.

screamish said...

writing? writing what? and it sounds like you made the fatal mistake of telling someone about it. You should never do that- sharing your goals can only result in people asking about them. That's where it gets you becuase then you actually have to have DONE something. I hate that.

twin palms road said...

Dear Mrs B Waffle
Thank you for your blog - it makes my journee bearable. My corridor of ennui makes yours seem like a veritable fiesta.

You have become my new blog bestfriend.


Anonymous said...

I talk online every day to my ex-boyfriend. My husband knows this, but he doesn't know that there is obvious potential (and an offer) for more.


Juci said...

Yeah, what are you writing? I mean, what aren't you writing? I know what I'm (not) doing: not writing my thesis. I am turning 30 this month, I started uni when I was 18, and I am still writing my thesis. I guess that just sums me up, the bloody lazy, unambitious, procrastinating sloth that I am.
Now. I know I have threatened you with this many times before, but now I am seriously going over, baking you a cake and cancelling your old internets for you. This does not sound like much of a penance so I'll also take you to the Post Office. Ha! Then we'll eat some 'chonates' (WV).

Anonymous said...

I am drinking Lipton Yellow as I type in this horrible sin.
Too lazy and cold to go buy my flavored coffee.

Leslie said...

Oh yes, all my allotted writing time goes to watching tv online. I've never been so caught up on my fav shows!

Mrs Jones said...

The Husband is away on business in Belgium (coincidentally). So,

1. I didn't wake up until 9.15am.
2. I ate half an enormous bar of Dairy Milk for breakfast.
3. Instead of making jewellery this morning I watched an old black and white film starring Vincent Price and Gene Tierney ('Dragonwyck'). Then an old edition of 'Location, Location' - Kirsty was thinner with a fringe and Phil had more hair.
4. I have been a hausfrau for about 8 years now but have no kids. I spend most of my time on the interwebulator where I have learned many interesting facts.
5. Although I have a novel all plotted out with back stories for the main characters and everyfink, I've written no more than one paragraph, which I don't like. I can't be arsed to start again.
6. I pay a monthly amount by direct debit to go horse riding once a week then find every excuse not to go. I no longer feel guilty about this.
7. I still dream about an ex-boyfriend with whom I split up 29 years ago. We have intermittent contact by email but it's all very kosher. But I never dream of my current husband, nor husband no. 1. Ex-boyfriend was an egotistical shit and made me miserable. My husband is fabulous. I don't understand it.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Really interested in what you are writing - and strongly believe you could re-package a lot of what you write into a (s.v.p. don't shoot me down, Bridget Jones' style) diary thingie?

1. I envy better writers than me, such as your good self, because it appears effortless, when I know it is not!
2. I deliberately scratched my pa-in-law's Jaguar car once with a key, when no-one was looking - It was either that or kill him, and I was incandescent with rage...Seriously!

justme said...

1) My regular consumption of Green and Blacks chocolate has now increased to a large bar a day.
2) Although I am paying, monthly, for gym membership, I have been to the gym precisely 5 times since I joined in october.
3)The last visit to the gym lasted 17 minutes before I was overcome with exhaustion.
4) I have an appointment to have my hair done tomorrow, which appears in my work diary as a work meeting.
I am sure there is more.....but since I am 'working', perhaps I should come back later!!

Welsh Girl said...

Hmm, you seem to be getting off the 'penance side' rather lightly so here goes:

You must make a sign for the children to carry to school with them saying "My mother is still in her pyjamas whilst taking us to school" then be prepared for rotting fruit to be thrown at you.

Every day, when you sit down at your computer, you must write 'The Cat sat on the Mat' in seventeen different languages, before you are allowed to do any interweb malarking about. Then at least you can say you have written something (see I capture the castle for inspiration!)

Penance 3: You must go to the cake shop on the way to collect the children, then give all cake to the dog whilst asking for forgiveness for getting to him last! Then write a poem to his silky ears, possibly in seventeen different languages!

That'll do for now. You are forgiven my child.

Jaywalker said...

How I love confession! It makes me so happy. I have my pope hat on. It suits me way better than that horrid git. Here goes.

Mrs C - I don't think you have confessed anything, have you? As you were. You work in the dust bowl of legal services anyway.

Belle - Kit Kats are a totally appropriate breakfast food. They have wafer, that's a cereal. Guilt is boring and overrated. I sentence you to come back here a lot and say rude things.

Pochyemu - that's how I take children to school every single day. Usually with shiny red patent shoes peeping out under trackie bottoms. I sentence you to spend 5 minutes quality time with Toby. It's killing me to say that, but it's for your own good.

Screamish - writing NOTHING. Not writing a ridiculous novel. But NOT is the operative word.

Dear Twin Palms Road - I fear for your sanity in a corridor more ennuyeux than mine. Have you tried tunnelling out under the photocopier? But also, thank you.

ZsaZsa - Your penance is to read two Goop emails, including one "spiritual" one. It will kill your spirit so dead you will have no psychic energy to get frisky with your ex.

Juci - I went myself! TWICE. First time = "fuck off we have sent your parcel back to the US"; second time €20, four fumbling elderly gents wanting to chat. I feel spiritually cleansed by the horror of it. I like the rest of my penance. Yes please. Tell us what your thesis is on and why you are stuck for penance.

Anon - Lipton yellow is its own punishment. Fie! Fie!

Leslie - let me know if you would like a penance with that. Maybe you could tell me what next box set to get (done greys, 6 feet, 24, dexter, house, conchords)?

Mrs Jones - blimey you have a gift for this. Hmm. let me see. I don't want to make you do anything worthy like ride horses or write books. how about you go and find five interesting facts about Belgium and then write a poem about them on your blog? I like haiku form myself. Sometimes I am sadistic like that. Beware.

Woman - oooh. I like the scratching. I used to be into stealing the hairbrushes of those who wronged me. I've stopped now though.

Justme - that's once a month! not bad at all. Your penance is to purchase your green and blacks at a slightly further away shop, which we can term "exercise".

katyboo1 said...

umm. I haven't changed the sheets on our bed for a fortnight because the duvet is too heavy!

I am surviving on hob nobs and pickled onions. It is not a winning combination. I am still getting fat and my breath smells of onion.

Your penance is to force your way to the post office and send me some flan. I am tired of hob nob crumbs. I need variety.

BMF said...

Ok, JW, you will know how hard this is for me. The lure of cyberspace and confessional is too great now i am unemployed (see, I mention it every 3 seconds despite the fact the mere mentioning of it means I could probably have breached my "agreement". and therefore get even less than no £). Anyway, that was confession one.

2. it is 3pm. I got up at 6.30. and have done NOTHING. not even eaten lunch. HOW? WHY?

3. I will lie about 2 later. in fact, I already have. and when 2 people phoned me, I claimed I was "making lunch" because it was so tiring to speak.

4. I have not even looked for a new job.

Right. stopping now. enough.

lady_bangs said...

I feel so much better learning that I am not the only one being naughty. Especially regarding breakfast, in my case being 5 poppadoms and multiple jacobs crackers covered in half a jar of mango chutney and peanut butter. The thing is, none of the above even belonged to me, being one of those self deluded people who only buys oats and then steals their housemate's tasty food. Bad.

More wrong things:

1. I said the f word very loud in front of a tiny girl at a jumble sale last weekend. Her mother actually came up behind her and covered her ears.

2. There's a man I should just not be thinking about. I'm thinking about him. Naked.

3. I keep telling people's secrets to my friends in public places.

4. I keep slagging off my employer in detail while wearing my work uniform. Again, often on public transport.

5. I was meant give up lying. But its just so fun.

6. I can do the perfect impression of my best friend and I keep doing it to my friends even though I cant stand people imitating me. Yet again, its just so fun.

7. I fancy everyone in the world, I think I might need some kind of operation.

Aah I actually feel spurred on to change my ways now. Some of them. Jaywalker- I think you don't need to worry to much just yet, your messing about on the internets is pretty much a public service to us it seems. That cancels out your sins.

Kate said...

yay! i love the confessional.

I fed my daughter cream cheese and crackers for both dinner last night and breakfast this morning.

I can't wait until she gets the heck out of the house in the morning to go to preschool. (before anyone judges me - i love her. i just need some time alone)

i ate a caramel/chocolate bar as the main part of my dinner last night. at least it was from a fancy shop. I followed it up with cherry yogurt.

all i want to do is lay around and watch tv until winter is over.

i say bad things about people sometimes... and yesterday, i bitched about someone making a mistake and it turned out they had only made 1 mistake not 3 and that someone else made the other 2.

and like Belle, i don't really feel guilty about anything. in fact, i'm wishing i had more chocolate to eat right now.

i totally feel you about the internet thing, but think about how smug and wonderful you will feel if it's done. tomorrow, get up, fill out the paper before you do anything else, send it and then spend the rest of the day lounging in your pyjamas with the internet without any guilt.

ps i started messing with your blog header.

Liberty London Girl said...

Oh goodness we have more in common that I thought. My blocage has to be seen to be believed. Why I decided to be a freelance writer when I am incapable of doing more than reading in bed is beyond me. LLGxx

Elsie said...

Secular confessing was my first experience of this blog – now when you say you desire comments, my fingers start typing the blogger code – it’s happening elsewhere on the Internet, too, to my embarrassment. Today I confess that my daughter is getting married in a few months and I am so not ready, in so many ways, though I have told everyone things are under control. I ordered some music and some flank steak, but not enough of either, and flank steak is gross anyway. I am glad you intend to write, the effort is penance enough – torpor is good for tortoises, and necessary for the creative process.

Belle said...

In answer to your vampire question. The answer is botox and photoshop.
Mmmm I'd say it was about time for a break...

screamish said...

jeez. the entire world has gone ape over your post. i never knew so many people felt the need to confess. what have you started???

Phoenix Berries said...

I think my best friend's son is a spoiled brat with terrible manners. I tell her he is such a "good natured" boy to evade her suspicions when someone else notices that he's a demanding little fart who interrupts and refuses to entertain himself for even five minutes so adults can converse without his bratty attitude.

Anonymous said...

1. I've hi-jacked your 'corridor of ennui' as it so perfectly describes the daily test on my sanity which is my job.

2. I write a blog which is crap.

3. I am 54, wrinkly, saggy and afraid of getting dementia as both parents did.

4. I think everyone is cleverer, prettier and thinner than me.

5. I've had it with trying to be a 'mensch'.

Maggie said...

NOT writing is so much harder work than writing. You will find you will write just because it's easier. And takes less time!

Seriously, try just writing ONE PAGE--even if it is total dreck--and then being off the hook. It doesn't have to be good. It just has to be done.

Getting off the hook is so addictive, you'll want to do it just to get that feeling again.

Unfortunately the addiction is such that you'll eventually need to write more to get off the hook. Two pages. Three. But that ups the output, so where's the bad?

It works, I promise!

Maggie said...

Oops I'm supposed to confess.

Here's a bad one: every time I get this horrible chest infection like I have now, I think: At least if I die I won't have to pay back my student loans.

I hate my temp job so much that the chest infection seems like a step up because I don't have to go.

If I did even minimal exercise every day, I'd look and feel a million times better, but I'm too crabby about NOT looking and feeling better that I don't. Which is stupid. Which I know. Bleah.

And oh yeah, I'm supposedly dedicating my life to writing books but I'm not doing it either. Though if I take the advice I gave you, I'd be an awful lot happier.

Yep. Lame!

(The thing about writing being a lot less work than not writing is true, though.)

Mrs Jones said...

Verily, milady, I have accepted your challenge to find 5 interesting facts about Belgium and then write a poem. Tis on my website as I type.

There were some BRILLIANT facts I found - I bet you never realised you lived in SUCH an interesting country....

Chantal said...

1) I still check my ex's email account (both work and hotmail) because I guessed the passwords years ago and am now just in the habit. It's not even interesting and we are on friendly terms anyway, plus I just got engaged to my boyfriend (whose phone/email etc I have NEVER EVER checked) so do not understand at all why I do this. However, I still do it every day. WTF?

2) I pee in the shower through pure laziness.

3) I also clean my teeth at the same time.

4) You are not meant to have favourites when it comes to children, but with my nieces and nephews I clearly do, although I keep it to myself.

5) I also have a favourite cat out of my parents' two cats. I feel guiltier about this than about the kids.

6) I now feel guilty re. no.5

Jaywalker said...

Welsh girl - wow, you are quite harsh with the old penance. Do you happen to be a catholic priest? Off to babelfish my way through this one. however, the dog has eaten my cash card, there is no way he is getting my flan too.

Katyboo - TWO trips to PO this week. I am in a special cycle of Belgian admin hell already. Flan does not travel, would waffle do?

BMF - you WILL leave the house tomorrow. I don't care where you go. However, yay! You confessed!

lady_bangs - I sentence you do go and look at the duck penis on whoopee. Seriously, you won't fancy anything for a lOOOOOng time. If you do, something is indeed wrong with you and you do need an operation. Lying is impossible to kick. It's such a cheap and easy buzz!

Kate - i am very excited about getting a header. Also ) that thing you had for dinner last night? I am planning exactly the same tonight, except the cheap, transfat filled version. mmm! I sentence you to imagine Patrick Sebastien naked.

LLG - oh god. we are doomed.

Elsie - I'm imagining your dreams haunted by giant pieces of flank steak. I mean, could penance make it worse? No. It could not. Ah well. I sentence you to read a bridal magazine; you don't have to buy it. You can just leaf through in the shop.

Belle - spookily effective. It looks more sheep placenta transfusion in Swiss clinic to me.

Screamish - it is a trying time of year. We have all been very bad.

Phoenix - blargh. I sympathise intensely. That's a white lie! The vatican approves of those. You won't go to hell for that.

Anon - Oh god. I want to give you some kind of fun or uplifting penance because your confession is so good. Like Vanessa and the old smelly dog (btw, condolences Vanessa. I was sad to read about dog's date with Dr Kevorkian.). I sentence you to a fairy cake. You must find and consume one. Unless you are allergic of course. The corridor of ennui is yours to share anytime.

Maggie - I will try tomorrow. I truly will. But I expect it will end in tears/biscuits/recriminations.

Chantal - 2: I rationalise this one myself because MADONNA DOES IT. I'm not sure why this makes it ok. I mean, I wouldn't make my children bathe in kabbalah water would I? Give the least favourite cat a stroke. Slip the children a packet of sweeties. Come to Belgium to go to tranvestite bars with me.

Also, can I confess, I wish the CFO were on a later train so I could continue with the confessional uninterrupted.

Trixie LaRue said...

1. I fib about having finished college. What? I was only one semester short, it still counts, right?

2. I have a recommendation letter to write for friends and I'm procrastinating because I don't like their parenting style. The letter needs a little editing, and then to be notarized, I should just do it and get it out of here...

3. I still think about a boy I had a crush on in high school. That was 12 years ago. I'm married now and have a toddler and a baby on the way. Lame!

Madonna pees in the shower? Why didn't I know this?

Anonymous said...

I set up a MySpace account so I could see what the daughter was up to (she was 16) *SIN 1*, but decided not to be me and developed an alter ego( 23 year old student) *SIN 2*. Through my account I met a number of people including a 30 year old guy with whom I fell desperately in love *SIN 3* Life's a bugger isn't it ? Worse, he fell for me..........
Add to that all the sins listed above by everyone else and it's a cert I won't see the Pearly Gates !
(Still, at least he didn't mind me eating chocolate for breakfast)

Mrs Trefusis said...

"All may; none must; some should"

Ok, here's what i'm prepared to confess to. I know that one should just confess to everything, but catch me in Lent and I'll come back to you. I know you're prepared to love the sinner not the sin, so I'll take a deep breath
1. Chantal - spooky - totally check all of yours. except the one about the cats. But if my parents had cats I expect i would have favourites too.
2. I always lie about my age. To the extent that I had a big argument with my husband when he told me my real age. You fool. i said. how dare you say i'm xx on my next birthday, i'm nothing of the kind.
i was, of course.
3. I had botox so that my husband wouldn't be able to tell that quite often I want to stick a fork in his head.
4. I often invent essential reasons to go to work/ work late so that I can have some time on my own without the children.
5. My children give me my blackberry as soon as I wake up. I'm confessing to not feeling bad about this
6. I often have dinner with a former boyfriend when I have told all and sundry that I have a client dinner.
7. these are venial sins, obviously. Well, unless one pushes point about dinner with ex-boyfriend
erm. is this an imperfect act of contrition?

Jaywalker said...

Ok people you MUST go and read the Belgium poem. It is inspired, rhyming AND full of interesting Belgium factoids. Mrs Jones, I salute you!

"Trixie" - I may have dreamed it about Madonna. She said it was good for athlete's foot. Is that plausible? Perhaps not. Penance - see how many double edged compliments you can put in the recommendation letter. "X's talents are numerous and indescribable".

Oh, anonymous. Yours is a morality tale for the modern age or some such pretentious twaddle. Actually it sounds rather exciting. Tell us more! That can be your penance.

Lovely Mrs Trefusis. I rather love number 5. In my house, confessions of bad behaviour are prefaced by Lashes with "I know you're going to say bloody fucking hell but..."
Penance - part II of your Love Story please, and sharpish. And some more of those irresistible Twitters.

Juci said...

I am (supposed to be) writing my thesis on Hungarian writer Imre Kertesz and his Nobel Prize-winning novel Fatelessness in particular. I have written some 30 pages two years ago but got stuck there. I feel dumb and unable to complete it. What's worse, should I finish it I still have those terrible final exams ahead of me. So the bedtime anxiety attacks that you wrote about sounded really familiar. In fact, I've had them for about five years now. It's time to get done with this, I guess.
Oh, and to confess, I am so not over so many of my exes. Not in a sense that I would ever want to start up anything again. I just still feel unlovely and insignificant and unwanted and broken because this or that guy dumped me so many years ago. (Yes, they keep popping up in my dreams, and I am always the swooning sucker running after them.) And the really sad thing is that in a way, I can't value my trustworthy, reliable, good husband properly because I didn't have to try too hard to make him love me. I don't think I need a penance, the knowledge of this is wrenching at me every day.

Mrs Trefusis said...

Oh yes. Sorry, forgot one that I actually feel quite bad about the fact I mostly forget to clean my children's teeth.
And, in an attempt to actually get my children to eat breakfast at all, they either have nutella on bread or cocoa pops.

Z said...

I have put a chair over where the Christmas tree was because I haven't hoovered since Twelfth Night when it was taken down. No one has noticed, so it doesn't seem to matter much, except that I'm 55 years old and everyone else I know of my age with grown-up children has an immaculate house.

justme said...

I am SOOOOOOO loving all these comments! In fact, I am beginning to feel like I am a NORMAL person. And that hasn't often happened in my life. Keep it all coming! It's cathartic! And Jaywalker will absolve us all.....Bless Her!
And Hello to BMF as need to get yourself a proper Blog if you have nothing better to do! (Like work....ahem!...)Then we can all talk to you too!

justme said...

Oh yeah....I didn't know Madonna wees in the shower either....I mean...who TOLD you that??? Its not the sort of thing you get in it???

redfox said...

Your penance is to follow the program that got me to finish my dissertation, and here is how it goes:

Every day that is supposed to be for writing (in my case, not weekends), what you have to do to qualify as Good is to open a file that purports to be the writing you are working on and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to it. Once you have done something, anything, you have achieved the status of Good. No questions asked. If you want to do more, you may, but you have really, definitely been Good. You are Good! You may brag to your beloved that it is merely eleven am and you have already been Good. Then you can do whatever the fuck you want, in the happy knowledge that you are Good.

The reason this is a good idea is that the worst thing ever is sitting there cringing and hiding from your project, because you can't remember what it's like, but probably it's terrible and maybe it would be better to fling yourself under a truck. Whereas actually, a week or two straight of having been Good, even with highly variable and downright dodgy productivity feels pretty great. And after a while, it also makes one feel quite a lot more like actually writing something.

So that's your penance. I'll confess my sins separately, for they are many.

redfox said...

Juci can have your same penance too, if she likes.

Maggie said...

Redfox is so right. Not writing = bad but then writing is so nebulous, how do you define good? So you have to make it so doing x quantity = good. A paragraph. A page. A thousand words. ANYTHING.

Anything is infinitely more than nothing.

And then you are GOOD which is such a fabulous feeling you'll want to do it again, do more, be even more good.

Whether we're all psycho for having such good/bad judgments on ourselves is another question.

Hey, what is my penance? Should I assume it's to write 1000 words a day? GAaaaaaaaaaaaah! Okay.

redfox said...

In my case, I really had to make it so the x in x quantity was merely the tiniest hair more than nothing. When I say that all I had to do to qualify was something, anything, I really mean anything. To demand of myself a paragraph or a thousand words would have turned me into a sobbing wreck. Some days I just moved a sentence from one place to another and then called it quits. And yet, at the end, a doctoral thesis occurred, and I was Good.

Lisa said...

Ooooh. What to confess? Because there is so much right now.

(1) I want my daughter to just choose a college already because I selfishly just want to stop having to think about it.

(2) I consumed vast quantities of calories today for no good reason whatsoever.

(3) See ZsaZsa above.

P.S. You did produce something. Lots of loud laughter coming from someplace in the middle of Georgia (U.S.)

mothership said...

Can't BELIEVE how many other confessionals yours has spawned. But yes, curiously effective because I find myself wanting to unload all of my sins now - it's like free therapy.
I am disturbed/comforted that your routine on your creative days is IDENTICAL to mine except without the dog. Or the cake shop but now that you've mentioned it I think I'm going to get one of those (latter).
I had a marvelous idea for a book the other day and immediately sat down to write it. Then I instantly got up, put the kettle on and settled into a familiar round of self-loathing, inertia and dejection. I find it's best to take this out on one's family, don't you?

Juci said...

redfox, I will happily take that penance. Sounds like it might work.

Jaywalker said...

Juci - I only have one ex, from when I was 17 (that's a confession in itself), and I still think about him, the asshole. Redfox has given you your penance. We can both suffer together.

Mrs T - this is why the universe gave children milk teeth. So that it wouldn't matter. Or so I tell myself.

Z - the great likelihood of undiscovered patches of dog wee in this house makes me ill qualified to pass judgment. However, I sentence you to inveigle your husband into hoovering.

Just me:

Ha! It's near the bottom. And even the athlete's foot bit was true.

Redfox - thank you for penance. Today I will be Good.

Maggie - 1000 seems harsh, but if you think you can..

Lisa - ah, but they are all so minor! I sentence you to, oooh, a piece of fruit.

Mothership - oh, indeed. Ideally one should imply it is their fault for stifling the creative process.

I have two more confessions this morning. Sorry.

1. I still fancy the headmaster, Stalin. He is so fine in his small, balding, totalitarian way.

2. The CFO thinks the weepettte can live outside when I am at work. I know it can't. I have not told him.

Chantal said...

I would just like to say that I had no idea about the Madonna thing until now! Very interesting. I didn't relaise I was in such hallowed company. I think as well as the laziness factor I also do this because it's really the only way I am ever going to get to pee standing up, and why should men have all the fun?

Jaywalker, I swear I am not teasing you with false Belgian promises in the manner of a Mills & Boon cad. Bf wants to go at the same time as his relatives, so we are currently waiting for his sticken Australian cousin (the one with the 'condition' only treatable by Belgian specialists, I can't bring myself to probe any further into this) to come to London before the Belgian trip can be arranged. Shackass! I will be in the Grand Place this year by hook or by crook though, or heads will roll, mainly those belonging to bf.

Z said...

I humbly accept your penance. Conveniently, we will have a house guest next Monday so frantic cleaning and tidying is indicated for the weekend in any case. However, I will be obliged to feign ignorance and horror when that chair is moved and a large pile of pine needles is exposed.

Of course the poor little weepette can't be outside all day. You are being tactful in not telling the CFO that, not bad.

Anonymous said...

Have been having such fun with your back catalogue 'chere endive' - it helps to relieve relentless ennui in my couloir d'enfer.

Just thought I'd put you right on one thing (something you said in your Group Therapy - blog).
You don't sort things out by the time you're 50!

Am the anonymous 54 year old of yesterday and can tell you that even if you think you do (as I did fleetingly) suddenly you wake up one morning and you realise you know 'trois fois rien'

Jaywalker said...

anon - oh bugger.

z - no he can't; imagine his tiny trembly body in the brussels drizzle. I foresee much deception ahead.

Chantal - shackass indeed. Which reminds me that a google search term that led here yesterday was "white girls shackass". Hmm.

BMF said...

Hey justme! a blog? ye gods, what do i have to say??

Er, JW, I got no penance? I was expecting more. at least an obligatory visit to a vicar (again) or something.

Yay, so many comments, is this the pinnacle of comment whoredom?

Emily said...

i do love the confessional... I am late - i apologise..

Ok, (deep breath) - here goes -

* i am avoiding taking the sleeping tablets the doc has given me because they cannot be mixed with drink - and i need a drink after work...(only one - im not a drunk!)
* i hate my job and whine about it continually - but am too lethargic to update my CV and/or get off my bum and find a new one
* everything bores me atm - especialyl i am subsisting on coca cola and telling the beloved that i ate at work.
* i am 25 tomorrow and am irrationally upset by this fact, despite the fact that i still look about 12
* i am so hideously bored at my job that i spend half my day wandering around peoples blogs
* i also brush my teeth in the shower...
* but dont clean them at night
* i feel fat continually - but do nothing about it
* i also pay a direct debit for the gym...and never go, despite it being a five minute walk from my house

Aaaaaah, i feel better :)

Jaywalker said...

BMF - you did. You had to leave the house, and you have done. You want more? Guilt junkie.

Also, yes. I am happy. I feel loved. I LOVE confessional. I should totally be the pope.

BMF said...

that was it? leave the house? is catholicism this easy??

and i bagged the pope job first. ages ago. the priest thing near where i live has a great house. would suit me fine.

Welsh Girl said...

OK - you're right. I was a tad harsh but you have to forgive me as I have cabin fever having been snowed in for FIVE DAYS NOW!!!! So, to make up for my mean penances I shall confess:

1: I rarely brush my hair. I mean to, I just don't get round to it until it is too late and people are running screaming from me shouting 'aaah, yeti alert'
2: I've only eaten one of my five a day this week. My diet seems to entirely consist of coffee, tea, diet coke, and toast. Oh, and the one kiwi fruit I ate yesterday
3: I frequently tell people that I wrote them a thank you letter but it must have been lost in the post, when i never actually wrote it at all.

I am now so bored with being snow bound I might make a papal hat for you using bits of snow and anything else I can find lying around the hovel and send it to you!

Cassandra said...

Come on, people, we HAVE to get the comments up to 69! I just had an M&S toffee sundae although I have approx 28 lbs to lose. It was awesome, so much better than any sex I've EVER had, including the premarital...

Belle said...

I don't have a twitter account.

Belle said...

I changed my profile picture because Jaywalker made me paranoid.

Anonymous said...

-I used to not tell my shrink things because I was worried she wouldn't like me. I had to get a new shrink just so I could say the truly idiotic/embarrassing things. I suspect my husband has fallen into the same trap and also needs to find a new shrink.

-I hardly ever clean. The bathrooms get cleaned once every two weeks when the cleaning lady comes.

-I still hate most people I went to high school with even though I wouldn't recognize either their faces or their names if I saw them again. I have hopeless retro self-esteem problems. I graduted 20 years ago.

-I need to return borrowed things and finish tasks that I have buried in the back of my brain as I feel too embarrassed after such a long time of incompletion/inaction.

-I have quit two jobs because my boss was going to find out soon how incompetent I was and I would rather not be there for that.

-I wish I had a career but can't bring myself to face all the things I would have to do to achieve that.

-I google my ex-es and still really miss one of them.

-I am that person who always says the wrong thing. Or doesn't reciprocate compliments. Or doesn't send the thank you card.

Guilty McGuiltinson

Anonymous said...

Coming late to the party, but couldn't resist.

* I've wasted almost an entire day "working at home" on farting about on the internets and emailing friends. I lied to my wife and said I was very busy (indeed, too busy to go to the gym)

* I claim to hate office politics but a couple of the few work-related things I have done were calculated to stiff a colleague (in my defence I'd like to note that I strongly suspect he's attempting to stiff me)

* I should be on a diet and I should be staying off the booze, but my wife's gone out for the evening and I'm going round the corner for beer and moules frites.

The other stuff is too embarrassing even for an anonymous blog post, so you'll have to devise a fitting penance blind.

Love your blog, BTW, and I suspect you live quite close to me, and we have possibly even suffered in the same bastard post office.

G said...

1. I tell myself that spending the day on social networking sites is a healthy substitute for a social life.

2. I'm straight but it bothers me when gay guys don't check me out.

3. I always arrive unfashionably early.

Jaywalker said...

BMF - who knows. This is quaker/atheist ecumenical confession.

Emily - oh, doc is only covering his arse. Do both! Fun guaranteed! (I AM JOKING DO NOT SUE ME). Your penance - hmm. I think you should eat some lunch. I find M&Ms very palatable and full of protein.

Welsh Girl - your diet, my diet, identical, but i am not even snowed in. Your penance - find and taste the thing called an "apple". I discovered last week. Quite pleasant.

Cassandra - is that like, a frozen thing? Or fresh? Because I want to be able to find it at St Pancras next time..

Belle - you are scraping the barrel. These are not sins at all. Twitter is a positive virtue, believe me. Hmm, BMF? Vouch for me.

Guilty - oh, I think lying to shrink is virtually obligatory. But I like the bit about having to get another one. Hmm. Penance. Look at list of films on next post and tell me if I should bother seeing any of them. If you watch films. If not, um, kick a pigeon.

Anon - If we frequent the same post office, you are already in hell. And no more penance could make it worse. However, I sentence you to go to Delhaize on a Monday night when the queues reach right to the back of the store and there is only one cashier working.

G - Oh, you're fine. None of those are too dreadful. Hmm. Penance - tell me that story about Mrs Robinson and the pet food aisle you promised.

Cassandra said...

In the fresh desserts section, with the chocolate sundaes/mousses, rhurbarb fool, etc. If you like toffee/caramel EVEN MORE than chocolate, then this is unbeatable. I would post you one if it wasn't fresh...

Anonymous said...


I love your blog. I haven't thought about Gabriel M for some time. Imight even dig his books out

My mighty thanks go to the death of Hobsbawn of Glasgow Uni. The old fucker made my life a misery because I wasn't his next Seamus Heaney. No more dugs sniffing at my fanny listening to 18th twaddle, whilst being brutalised on stuff I nooo not. 'Tis better not to know, it seemed.

(a degree in) politics turned out to be the easier road... But I still resent the old fucker

Ah now.


Jaywalker said...

Cassandra - hmm. It sort of sounds disgusting, but I trust you. Anyway, I like disgusting.

Tracy - no! really? Prog Rock worships at the shrine of Hobsbawn. I can't shatter his illusions. My evil tormentor is still alive writing about feminist interpretations of the eucharist and other such nonsense. Bitch.

black said...

bridal online shop bridal gowns wholesale wedding dresses high quality bridal gowns wholesale custom wedding dresses wedding apparel wedding dresses top sellers wedding dresses2010 new arrivals 2010 new arrivals wedding dresses beach wedding dresses Luxury Wedding Dresses plus size wedding dresses wedding party dresses bridesmaid dresses junior bridesmaid dresses flower girl dresses mother of bride dresses wedding shoes wedding bags wedding accessories evening dresses prom dresses cocktail dresses quinceanera dresses little black dresses