Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Tory shoes, Chekhov puppy, the Turkish Ethan Hawke




Shut up about the damn dog


Oscar has found himself a regular perch on the chair in the kitchen.


Here he sits, reflecting on the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius. He finds the stoic philosophy one that has many lessons for modern life. He often considers the celebrated maxim:

'Does aught befall you? It is good. It is part of the destiny the universe ordained for you from the beginning. All that befalls you is part of the great web*'






He finds this of particular comfort when he realises he is able to get up onto the chair, but not back down from it.


Here he is thinking of Moscow, so far away. Sometimes he sighs.




More often he farts.

I overheard a Dutch builder sneeringly refer to him as a "ratte" today. You can see why he looks so pained.


Cosmetic improvements

I have added some stuff down the sidebar. Rubbish looking stuff, but I felt the thirst for novelty. if anyone has any clever ideas of GOOD STUFF to put, please can they tell me? This blog looks like crap. Not as bad as my house, but still. I WANT A SHINY BLOG. Other people have aesthetically pleasing blogs! I want one. You deserve one.



Amsterdam

They have multi-storey bike car parks. Wow. This was about all I saw in my three hours there, though there were some interesting gummy menthol sweeties handed out free at the conference of doom, and miniature eclairs which were a nice distraction. I wore the people's choice Reiss dress with the red shoes and felt rather glamorous and Hepburn-esque, despite the cold sores, handbag full of detritus and wrinkled opaque tights. Red shoes will do that for a girl**. I asked the CFO how I looked and he said "très rouge" in a sort of censorious fashion, pursing his lips. I ignored him.


My presentation was dull and aimless. The Kong Arthur man was less dull, but more impenetrably weird. I resisted the temptation to use the excellent powerpoint slides Pochyemu prepared for me from her bed of pain, even though they were way better than mine, and included the following line:


—"You’re all Dutch anyway, so what have you got to cry about? You’re tall and thin and can smoke weed until you fall over stupid. And you’ve got prozzies running around everywhere...So fuck you! You think you’ve got problems, try living in Belgium!"

Well, quite.

Excitingly on the return journey, I thought the taxi driver was trying to chat me up when he said "my shift ends now, shall I take you out to the airport", but then I thought perhaps he was just asking me if I wanted him to drive me all the way to there because he knew I was on expenses and wouldn't care. Either way, the moment of quite possibly imagined erotic potential was lost when he hit a large seagull. We tried to decide whether it was stupid, broken, or drunk but inadequate language skills on my side cut the debate short. I still feel we shared a moment. Like, Before Sunrise but with a seagull instead of Julie Delpy? I feel this is worthy of note, since the last time anyone spontaneously made overtures - even imagined ones - to me, it was the dishevelled looking chap on Avenue Louise who told me I had "magnifiques seins .. mais je dis ça uniquement parce que ça fait 5 mois que j'ai pas couché avec une femme" (magnificent breasts, but I'm only saying that because I haven't been with a woman in five months). Er, merci?



*PG Wodehouse fans will know that the correct rejoinder to this is "He said that did he? Well you can tell him from me he's an ass"

** As with the silver Anya Hindmarch shoes last year, however, these Rupert Sanderson beauties are now causing me problems of conscience. She holds Tory FUNDRAISERS and he's friends with Samantha Cameron, so I learn in Vogue this month. I cannot be subsidising the Conservative Party with my shoe purchases! Say no to Tory shoes! Argh.

26 comments:

A Woman Of No Importance said...

The so-called ratte - How could he? - is still very endearing, though!

I am with you on the shoes - Get them 'swished' immediatement!

Sorry about the seagull... I think you might have got away with the 'alternative' slides - They're all stoned anyway!

lisa in san diego said...

yes! wodehouse fan here! i read my collection every summer with a glass of wine and titter (more wodehousian than guffawing). i keep recommending him to people here in san diego, and they keep returning the book to me shortly thereafter, not feeling the same wodehouse love.

menthol gummies sound like the devil's candy.

livesbythewoods said...

Your dog is a profoundly endearing little chap. I hope he has the grace to look ashamed when he farts. Ours used to look at his own arse in dismay as we choked and retched.

Improvements to your blog...hm...well, you could link to mine and then people could do a comparison and see that yours is much better. Does that help?

Z said...

My dog glares at my son in the next chair and gets down to lie on the hearthrug. We know it's her farting though.

katyboo1 said...

I have been banned from reading Wodehouse in bed because my snorting with laughter keeps Jason awake. Plus he is very mean and will not let me have a pet pig so I can turn her into an empress. Sometimes husbands are so very mean.

Congratulations on your erotic encounter. Sorry that a stunned seagull spoiled it. Perhaps you should have taken it as an opportunity to bond more deeply?

Phoenix Berries said...

I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and you have consistently made me laugh out loud. Today I woke my son from his nap by chuckling over the Stoic dog and the Tory shoes. I'm in the US, where I always grimace to find attractive shoes under the label of obnoxious pop stars.

Jaywalker said...

Woman - well, the alternatives would undoubtedly have been better. Pochyemu is a genius.

Lisa - they were horrid yet compelling. Sort of 'ooh, a sweetie! ohno! disgusting! this can't be right I'll have to try again' ad nauseam. Lovely wodehouse. It is the reason one of my favourite words is Spode.

Livesbythewoods - he waits until he is asleep to fart, deflecting the shame. Pff. Ok, you're on, I'll link to you. But you have a pic of a tank hazard sign!

Z - Oscar has yet to learn such wiles. He is too busy with antique philosophy.

Katyboo - I really wished I knew the dutch for stunned seagull. I bet it's a great word. I'm off to babelfish it.

Phoenixberries - yes! The pain! Oh no, the Olsens made this, yet it is nice, head exploding from paradox! Also, thank you.

Frances said...

I got so mournful reading your things you missed about England that I decided to do one for Brussels. Number one was that someone somewhere in a padlocked dingy closet cares enough to compile appropriate playlists for every hour of the day for the metro. But that then got me thinking about the metro in general and had to be struck off the list. Which leaves nothing - can you do any better? Otherwise I may gnaw off my own arms so AXA will repatriate me...

Frances said...

Although thinking about it, I would find it hard to definitively write off any country that can devote an entire sub-cuisine to mashed potato....

La Belette Rouge said...

Have I ever told you how much I hate Ethan Hawke? HATE. I cannot look at him on the screen. I am sure we must have tons in common for him to bring up so much antipathy in me. Sorry for the rant.

I am a Wodehouse fan. I want my own Jeeves.

Lily is getting non-flavored yogurt on her food to help her smell more like a Lily and less like stinky farts. So far it is not working.

Liberty London Girl said...

Oh weepette. Bless it's black eyes. Bisous to Oscar. Please stroke his ears and kiss his paws for me. LLG xx

Kitschen Pink said...

Honey I've given you a shiny award - you can stick that in your sidebar if you think it could help!
Was the seagull stoned? t.x

Lisa said...

I figured there must be something going on behind Oscar's vacant expression. He's not daft, he's occupied.

Pick me! Pick me! I'll help you redecorate your blog and make nice and shiny.

Ali said...

Your blog is not boring, it's understated.

Your romantic encounter sounds nice but to be honest, the strange man yelling about your boobs would have charmed me, I get THAT much attention when out and about.;)

Simon said...

Personally I prefer visually simple, uncluttered blogs. I come here for the wit, not the widgets.

Jaywalker said...

Frances! I wrote a whole post about the bizarre music in the metro. Here
I am so glad I am not the only one to have noticed...

I also tried to write a post about the good things about Brussels. Mainly I think it was bizarre cultural happenings, and food. It's a bit pretentious now I read it back, but this was my best shot.. Dear Brussels

That was fiddly. You can tell I should be working.

Jaywalker said...

AND the second one didn't work. Try again

Jaywalker said...

Belette - do you get bitten a lot? Ow. I want my wrists back before they had puncture marks! Ethan Hawke is droopy.

LLG - you're missing your own ratte aren't you poor poppet..

KP - Why thank you! And such a pretty one. They're usually a bit fugly but yours is actually NICE. Wow. It probably was stoned. I have never seen a creature move so slowly in the face of mortal danger..

Lisa - yes! Help me!

Ali - nor me, except wearing the pink top. I have this one totally innocuous pink top that I don't like much, but it is the only thing I ever wear that men notice. Is it transparent? Maybe. Maybe I will post a pic and ask for enlightmenment..

Simon - Thank you. Noone could possibly come here for the aesthetics, that is for sure. What are your top Brussels things, to stop Frances gnawing her limbs off?

Shoe Envy said...

Een dronken zeemeeuw!

Jaywalker said...

Shoe envy - you see - FANTASTIC LANGUAGE. Ein dronken zeemeeuw. Thank you!

Shoe Envy said...

Een! Dutch not German ;-)

Also, I cheated slightly as that means a drunk seagull - I don't know the word for stunned. Or indeed stoned although I would have thought that should be one of the most important Dutch words to learn... Not that I'm stereotyping in any way you understand.

Simon said...

To Brussels things:
The music in the metro (I know, you said it first).
Shops are CLOSED on Sundays. Well, most of them.
They don't dub the films, unlike in, say, Italy.
The beer.
Drive in any direction for two hours and you're in another country.

Simon said...

Of course that should have said "top", not "to"...

bonnie-ann black said...

what i want to comment on is the absolutely luxurious chair you have in your kitchen. my kitchen chairs, while charming in their same-age-as-the-table kind of way, are not fluffy and comfortable looking. nor do they have a ratte-weepette sitting in them. ooh lah.

as for the close encounter of the erotic kind... one time, many years ago, a guy sitting near me in a pub kept trying to chat me up. i studiously turned my face away to discourage him. he cheerfully said, "do you know, you have a be-YOO-ti-ful profile." i turned to glance at him with some further interest. he then studied me for a moment and said, "of course, you're not much to look at head-on..." and i burst out laughing! needless to say, that encounter went nowhere fast, except to my store of laughable incidents.

Z said...

What does it say about me that that chat-up line follow-up would have had me? No question. I do agree about your chair, and the other lovely furnishings in your home. Bearing in mind that my body and yours are destined to swap, I feel that I rather have the better of the deal (although you will have my lovely hair). My kitchen does have a nice Georgian dresser and an Aga, but nothing else of note, except that my fine husband made the table.

Jaywalker said...

Bonnie-ann/Z - I suggest you enlarge that photo by clicking on it and examine the state of the arms. Not so elegant now, eh? Z- I feel sure I will do better out of this deal. You will have to do battle with the moths.

Also, Bonnie-ann, that's a priceless chat up line.

Simon - HOW can you like the 1970s Brussels Sundays? They make me weep! But then I am terribly shallow.

Shoe Envy - can you actually speak Dutch? I am very very impressed. Wow.