Friday, 16 January 2009


This week has had no shape at all to it. It is ameoba week, smock dress week, jelly week, post-natal waist week. Apparently today is Friday but what exactly does that mean? I have worked on non-work days, moped and nursed children with bad grace through the working days, slept fitfully and answered questions relating to death hourly. Nothing is as it should be. I am four days late returning dvds (fuck OFF Hayden and your zebra). The plumber came this morning when I didn't have my hair on, so I had to hide in the cellar. I haven't eaten a meal since Sunday, relying on out of date yoghurt, clementines and pannetone - and today's efforts, out of date pea soup and chocolate orange peel, are making me nauseous. We noticed this morning that Fingers' hair is so dirty it's standing up by itself. That dispiritingly chaotic five minutes just before we leave in the morning, as people try to find lost shoes, and books, and twenty three euros, and a tram pass and the door keys? It just seems to go on all day. Messy.

Friday does mean early release from the gulag for the spawn, certainly. It's the one day a week I make like the proper parents and go and stand out in the wind tunnel in front of the brutalist yellow-rimmed box for twenty minutes making dismal small talk, while the teachers sit in their heated staff room rejoicing and drinking gin. In theory it is a nice idea, to see my lovely boys while they are still relatively fresh and cheerful, but in reality we are sick to death of each other after a week's promiscuity, sharing tissues and squabbling. Last night, as Fingers teased the dog for the ninety eighth time, and Lashes argued me into a corner over his undone homework, I snapped and told them I was going to bed because (violins) they were being HORRIBLE. Then I slammed the doors satisyingly and stormed upstairs like a fourteen year old. I went to bed. They didn't notice. I came back down and emptied the dishwasher. God only knows what we will do this afternoon. None of my offers of ice cream and pancakes or trips to the bookshop seem to entice them. They would rather moulder in the house fighting and placing Skinny McStupid in cardboard boxes.

Next week will be better, I am determined. There will be forays out of the house lasting up to several hours at a time! I am even going to speak at a conference in Amsterdam on Tuesday*. Yes, speak, rather than snark endlessly. I do not 'do' public speaking. I mumble, and make strange clicking noises and go blotchy. I compulsively tell the truth, when I am supposed to be speaking in furtherance of the greater glory of the corridor of ennui. It is going to be a complete train wreck, or so I thought until I saw my Norwegian co-presenter's paper, which appears to draw from Arthurian ("Kong Artur" it says in his Norwegian speaking notes) grail legends, table tennis and horse racing in a way that makes no apparent sense at all. Perhaps, on reflection, it will be ok.

I am making some resolutions for next week. I mean, a whole YEAR, that's crazy. A week is just about manageable. Keep me to them if you can, won't you? Next week I will:

1. Cook a meal for someone other than Oscar. Without oven chips. AND eat it.

2. Wear clothes out of the wardrobe, and not off the chair or out of the bath at least twice.

Exhibit #1: the chair

Exhibit #2: the bathroom

(These are like something off Lovely Listings. The clothes! They're staging a sit in! They have demands!)

3. Do NOT check blog compulsively whilst looking after children. They notice. And do whatever it takes to get my attention back. Like, biting the dog (truly).

That's it. Not too ambitious. Anything you'd like to achieve for next week?

*As a bonus update to this dismally boring post, can you offer me some outfit advice? Which would you go for for this spectacularly eurotedious event:

A. APC blazer and miniskirt with Sonia Jumper

I'd wear this with the Orniron boots featured here in my infamous bathtub pics.

B: The same blazer and skirt, but with the 3.1 Philip Lim top?

Probably also with the boots, or these:

C: Reiss super severe dress

With these:

It's not like anyone will notice, but hey, I try to have standards.. Thoughts?

Ps: These clothes and shoes are brought to you courtesy of The Law: Boring but Lucrative TM.


Red Shoes said...

I will comment on entire post later (after migraine goes away, holy wow) but for now just say that it must be the 3.1 Philip Lim top with suit or severe dress. Outfit No. 1 doesn't rank for me despite it having a bit of red in it. I would go with No. 2 or No. 3. Yes. Sorry I can't be even more precise. Head. Hurts.

Liberty London Girl said...

OMG! (In manner of hyperactive tween).I have that Reiss dress. Even better still lovely BA used to be their fabric buyer & bought that clever stretch fabric. It's my genius dress. And I had forgotten about it until you posted. Briliiant! I wore it to the interview for my Proper Job & it was commented on and, I like to think, swung the job for me. It's so sexy, and chic and I can shovel the brimming breasts into it too without looking like a porn queen. If you wear that to the conference you will knock their collective eurotedious socks off. But I do liek the Philip Lim look very much too. Tres serieuese LLG xx god my french is screwed

Pearl said...

I love the dress and the last pair of heels. WOW. I would listen to a woman who could wear that outfit.


WV is "pubroste". Yikes. Obscene German cheer? Dinner at the Hefner mansion? The mind boggles.

JPM said...

Philip Lim with the boots. The dress sounds like it does things not detectable from photo, still, those boots must be taken out for a walk. Could you where them with the dress? can't tell the shape. Break a leg!

Leslie said...

I dig your shoes

Vic said...

I say, go with the Reiss dress. It looks like a great dress.

Also, thank you for the pictures of your clothing piles - I have a husband who is a compulsive pile maker (don't get me started on the back yard), and it's nice to know other people have piles too. (Wait, that didn't come out right....)

Julian Meteor said...

Hi Guys,
Ignore me LOL, I'm just following Pearl.

Hanging out for some C.Y.B.E.R later!!!!!! lmao

lisa in san diego said...

i would go with the dress. when i have to go to court, i generally want to wear something i will not have to adjust/think about. if i wear a blazer, then i have to think about adjusting what's under it, should the buttons be open/shut, etc., etc. i have a series of super-simple dresses for court appearances.

also, your bathroom looks fabulous (what i can see of it under the clothing)!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

You have beautiful clothes and a stunning bathroom - Are you taking in laundry?!

Clothes clutter is a very common thing to have occur in homes - My laundry room is never clear and we live out of 'clean' laundry baskets, never opening wardrobe doors!

I love all your clothes, and the shoes are to die for, particularly those with the silver trim!

bevchen said...

DOn't know about the clothes but I want your bathroom!

livesbythewoods said...

The severe dress and the kinky black shoes. That'll keep them interested.

justme said...

I love your bathroonm too!
And yes, go with the dress. It looks the most comfortable and you don't want to be worrying about buttons and things. I bet you will be great. But take heart! No one EVER listens to these things anyway.....been there, done that.....just look wonderfully confident and gorgeous (which you will) and no one will CARE what you say or how you say it! x

Kitschen Pink said...

Note to self - stop doing school run looking like a farm worker. Spend more than 10% of time away from laptop (excluding sleep time).
Actually that all sounds too difficult. That must be why I don't do resolutions.
Second try - stop eating birthday and christmas cake for one week
(note to self - finish all cake in the house before Sunday evening)

Christine said...

Not sure what about this post has pushed me to toss off stalker mode and finally comment, but, for what it's worth, my vote is for Philip Lim top with suit and throw in the red shoes for a bit of color. This suggestion comes directly from the 18 hours of What Not to Wear I watched this week.

Next Week Resolution #1: Limit hours of What Not to Wear to 5.

Anonymous said...

the last one - the dress. you will be the witch of the (pick direction) and may end up ruling the earth. which would suck. never mind.

katyboo1 said...

I would go for the dress and the round toe shoes, just to mix it up a bit. Sorry for late arrival. Like Red Shoes have been nursing a migraine all day.

My resolutions for next week include not putting on any more weight, thus avoiding having to go back to Rigby and Peller for more bosom taming. I would also like not to have a headache.

I think that's fair.

Completely Alienne said...

I vote for the dress too - at least you will give the audience something to look at (I can't be the only person who spends all her time at boring legal do's checking out everyone's wardrobe and deciding what I need to get - can I?).

I also agree your bathroom looks fab - I have two but even put together they are not that big, or light.

As for clothes piles, elder child keeps all of hers piled up on a chair in her room, though some seem to have fallen on the floor recently. Younger child spreads hers all over her bedroom floor, with plates and CDs cunningly hidden amongst them. I have refused to give her any more clean clothes and keep a pile in the corner of my room now, from which I dole out knickers, bras and school blouses as required. I blame their father - he was just the same. I compulsively hang everything up or put it away.

Lisa said...

I like the second outfit. Very smart, but not distracting.

I support your well-balanced realistic list of resolutions. One favor, if I could, please don't let this whole cooking a meal idea get around. I don't think I could handle the pressure if my kids catch wind of it.

Ali said...

Yes, yes! The dress and the Marc Jacobs shoes, actually the red ones are lovely too.

ptooie said...

I love that bathroom.
I vote the Philip Lim top, but not with the boots.

Next week, I intend to not leave work 30 minutes (or more) late each day. I also need to be optimistic about not going crazy on extended weekend with the children and husband as he's just had his wisdom teeth removed this morning.

Kate said...

Could I have your bathtub please? And some of your shoes? Get well. And do something nice for yourself out of the house next week.

rachel said...

resolution; stop lurking and fully commit to enjoying your blog. i think you're brill. you make me laugh. And I don't have kids, live in Belgium or have punctuation.
thank you.

Jessica said...

"Kong Artur"! My sides hurt. Am I the only one who thought that was funny?

The other comments are about your swank wardrobe, maybe I am the only one.

Best wishes for a painless conference.

River said...

The skirt and blazer with the Philip Lim top. And the boots. You'll stunning. They'll be so mesmerised by your good looks, they won't notice the occasional mistake in your oration.

Kaio said...

Nice blog and I also liked the picture of the dog.

Mr Farty said...

Wear the Philip Lim with the fuckme shoes.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

Resolution: Give blood. Take photos and post them on blog as evidence.
Right, I've said it so I'll have to do it. Wish me luck.

Jaywalker said...

So the dress has edged it (despite Mr F getting all metrosexual and weighing in, which impresses me no end). Anything Liberty London Girl owns has got to win out over the others. (LLG - now I love that dress even more, and the Sonia jumper does have bad porn chest tendencies). Noone will care anyway and I have the 2pm graveyard slot, so they will all be asleep; but at least I will feel confident. Also, if I get to be the wicked witch of Belgium, that is a serious bonus.

Thank you for your help and bathroom compliments. It is gorgeous but I can't take any credit. It was here when we bought the house. It did make me REALLY want it though.. The artful spreading of dirty clothes is all mine and I think it makes the room, no?

Lisa - I wouldn't worry about the 'meal' thing. It's generally very poorly received in the Waffle house.

Hello Christine and Rachel it is lovely to hear from you!

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I go outfit one and gorgeous ankle boots. YOu have lots of clothes. Nice clothes. And shoes. I feel lacking...and would quite like to have to dress up in mini skirts for work

Jaywalker said...

CTTF - If it's any consolation I am actually wearing outfit one today, and the skirt seems to have been on the wrong end of a trip in the washing machine and is way shorter and tighter than it should be. Either that or the pannetone has done its evil work. Either way, I look slutty and creased. It's not a good look.

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