Saturday, 10 January 2009


Hippy baiting

This is just too funny. I am imagining the conversations in my local crack den. Given I do not frequent my local crack dens, I am assuming they speak like characters from PG Wodehouse. That's right isn't it?

Crack Addict #1: I say, old bean, you don't happen to have any crack do you? I'm positively gasping!

Crack Addict #2: Frightfully sorry old chap, I don't happen to have any on me, but I do have something absolutely top notch. It's tremendously good, you really should try it. Here.

CA#1: I say, it's bally peculiar, what? Quite a kick! What is the blighter?

CA#2: Caruthers recommended it. It's top hole for the old cravings and such.

CA#1: I should say so! And what is it, if I may ask?

CA#2: Potato peel broth my old chum! It's quite the ticket!

Truly, the next time I find myself reaching for the M&Ms, I'll be making myself a kale and liver smoothie and instead of gin, granola, seaweed and bitter greens all round. Delicious!

Mocking the afflicted.

The CFO made Oscar a coat out of a jumper sleeve (Cashmere! Margaret Howell no less. But eaten to death by the mothbastards). It was quite the funniest thing I have seen for ages. He looks so seedy and sinister and downright awful. If I was 85 I could take him to bars in that coat and sit him on my knee and feed him pretzels and mumble while I drink vast quantities of sweet sherry. He would have terrible breath and so would I and my wig would be platinum blonde and filthy and askew. It' s something to look forward to, I suppose.

I love his pained expression. Again, again, Skinny McStupid!

My son the psychic

Lashes gave me this picture "of Oscar when he is grown up".

"That's fantastic darling" says Joyce Grenfell, vaguely. "But he looks a bit fierce, doesn't he? Is that me at the end of his lead?

"It is you, but that is the end of his tongue. And look, he has eaten the rest of us. There we are in his belly with a big os. Look, I have drawn his brain as big as a chou de bruxelles like you told us it was".



redfox said...

That cravings chart is truly remarkable. I also like its failures of parallel structure in the "If you crave this..." column. If you crave "Lack of appetite," what you really need is... a healthier attitude toward food and eating, perhaps? Or maybe just a hearty meal.

Vic said...

Now I'm curious about the round bit at the end of the tongue. Is it a magnet? A tongue handle?

(I am impressed that his drawing actually looks like a dog-- all of my son's drawings always looked like rockets, no matter what.)

justme said...

Grrr.....I am not liking this 'If you crave chocolate you really want spinach!' If I crave chocolate I NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!
But I think the cashmere sleevecoat is rather good......hovever, he still needs leg warmers. Maybe you could crochet some?? or make them out of large glove fingers.....

katyboo1 said...

I agree with justme, Oscar needs to accessorise. That's all that's wrong. I think he'd look fetching with wings as a kind of whipperfly, possibly Bono style dog sunglasses to finish it all off and mini dog UGGS.

The picture is excellent. He looks truly horrific with his reptilian tongue. Some kind of mutant whippet chameleon cross that one can only get in Belgian cock fighting dens in the nineteenth century when this sort of thing was encouraged.

Elsie said...

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Grit said...

you see? you see! the dreadful slide has started. you are already wrapping the hound in cashmere! soon you will be on your hands and knees feeding it raymond blanc petit four for breakfast while you order an orginal vivienne westwood handbag so it can hold sticks so they do not get covered in slobber. this way madness lies, jaywalker. there might be now only one way out if you crave recreational drugs. eat the dog.

KSV Woolfoot said...

I expect P.G. Wodehouse is just beaming down on you now and the dog is unspeakably fetching in his new outfit.

Completely Alienne said...

Accessorise yes - but surely all he needs with cashmere is (are) pearls?

Jaywalker said...

Redfox - marvellous no? Go hippies! Form those sentences!

Vic - I consulted with the artist, but got no good answer. Your ideas are good though. My best guesses are:
1. Anne Hathaway (see Antonia's post )
2. The sticky bit on the end of a chameleon tongue.

Justme - Ooh, glass of wine or a bowl of granola? Question I ask myself ALL the time. Glove fingers are a fine idea.

Katyboo - dog trailer trash. I like. Yes indeed. The chameleon/whippet cross might be Lashes' life work, I fear.

Elsie - yes! In a stocking filler format!

Grit - you were right. it is entirely as you feared. I even make the dog REAL FOOD, while rest of family subsist on cereal and Macdonalds as usual (I NEVER cook. It burns).

KSV - Thank you so much, I will tell Oscar. He is sick of me laughing I think.

CA - yes! absolutely! And a mac from country casuals for rainy days.

Lisa said...

Now I know where to go to practice my British accent ala Wodehouse. I'm sure there are a few crack houses in Atlanta. Do you suppose the mobile home down the road that serves as a meth lab would also serve the purpose? It would be much easier to get to.

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - while you are checking it out, do make sure the CFO hasn't wandered in there by mistake looking for tortoises, won't you?

bonnie-ann black said...

i can just hear bertie wooster's voice moaning to jeeves: "why, oh, why, when a chap craves a bit or raw seed and legumes is there always only ever champers and cavvie in the old homestead?"

what does it mean when you eat all the things in the "good" column AND all the stuff in the "bad" column -- all in one weekend?

i saw the artwork, and i think you really need to keep on watchful eye on Oscar -- and fingers and lashes! i mean, considering the other ideas your children have had about mutant animals...

oooh: my word today is judistra -- one who wants a coup of the halls of justice.