Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Inventory



Late, and in bold defiance of the blogging embargo, I give you the contents of my handbag inventoried on the train back from Amsterdam (I kicked ass! If, by kicked ass, you mean 'spoke incoherently and too fast, whilst getting progressively redder as a room full of bearded mittel-Europeans dozed peacefully'):

Packet of foul-tasting "slimming" sweets from pharmacy

Miniature plush teddy bear dressed as Père Fouettard whose cheeks light up and who plays Happy Birthday to You when squeezed

4 Kinder Egg toys in varying states of dismemberment

Linda Grant - The clothes on their backs (very good!)

Elderly Heat magazine

King Julian from Madagascar Happy Meal toy as featured previously

2 packets of Wall-E themed tissues and many loose used tissues

Several broken "Petit Déjeuner de Lu" biscuits

Packet of Sinutab Forte

Sponge tipped painting tool

Pink felt tip pen

2 Calpol sachets

Enough make up for an army of drag queens in unsavoury condition (the make up, not the drag queens) - 2 powder compacts, 2 bottles of Benetint, 2 eyeshadows, 2 tubes of foundation, all essentially unused.

Final coup de grace - the severed leg of an elasticated chicken



No money. No credit cards. No passport.

I have this business travel thing Totally Nailed.

16 comments:

expateek said...

I never fail to be surprised. Here print magazines are going under right and left, and then suddenly, you have Elderly Heat!

Interesting concept, although the combination of wrinkles, cellulite, bad facelifts and sagging tattoos might put some off their breakfast.

Kitschen Pink said...

I love that the felt tip pen is pink. All's right with the world when you have a pink felt tip pen to doodle with. t.xx

Zed said...

Am not talking to you until you answer my email. Numpty.

Mr Farty said...

Wot, no photos? I'd like to see the teddy bear.

Potty Mummy said...

I think you are a spy, Jaywalker. Every week you seem to be crossing borders incognito...

justme said...

O...kay....so....quite a good day then...hmmm?

Marie said...

Can I have your Benetint?

Lisa said...

I am so glad you clarified the unsavory conditions part of the drag queen sentence. The visual I was getting was just so unfortunate.

River said...

No monnoe credit cards, no passport. So you're travelling incognito then?

River said...

Oops, that should read, no money, no credit cards etc

Jaywalker said...

Expateek - there's a gap in the market, I'm sure of it. It could be the downmarket complement to HAG.

KP - I think it's because pink is colour non grata in this house, so gets dumped in my bag. Along with half eaten biscuits and socks.

Zed - I wish you'd use the home email. I avoid using the work one, bleugh. belgianwaffling@gmail.com BUT! I will answer your tortoise questions. After consulting with my tortoise correspondent.

Mr F - I will try and add some. The severed limb is worth seeing too.

PM - um, thank goodness for Schengen is all I can say.

Just me - any day with mini eclairs cannot be entirely written off as I believe Oscar Wilde never said.

Marie - it's unbelievably skanky and coated with biscuit crumbs. Otherwise I'd be delighted..

Lisa - well, yes. That's how I look when I actually use the make up I fear.

River - less incognito, more 'like a feckless moron' I fear...

katyboo1 said...

Benetint v. good. I did buy some of that liquid blusher though and that's a nightmare. You definitely need to be a surgeon to apply it properly. I ended up looking like Aunt Sally.

Hmm. Sure your passport is not furled inside the chicken's leg for security purposes?

emily said...

see, this is why big bags rule the world...

Um, i always have the below -
* purse
* phone
* work pass
* keys
* basic make up (my must wear or i look dead/ill minimal - concealer, mascara, lip gloss and lip balm)
* a book
* chewing gum
* umberella
* gloves
* sunglasses

That is no where near as exciting as yours :(
But then i dont have the joy of children..

Btw - Benetint is possibly the best stuff in the world, after Touche Eclat!

Completely Alienne said...

At least you had something to play with on the long train journey. Much more useful than money which I feel is highly overrated (I am feeling bitter, I have just spent all of mine at the dentist).

Iheartfashion said...

I love the chicken leg!
It's an item that could very well be in my own bag at this moment.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

But what did you wear to compliment all these accessories. I imagine the ankle boot looking good alongside the severed chicken leg..