Wednesday, 14 January 2009

For all I know I could be sleeping with a family of killer porcupines

Bed audit (Tracey Emin peut retourner se coucher)

Things I found in my bed this morning:


1 hardback, 2 paperback books

Wooden tortoise

Glass bottle of scent

Pokémon limbs (assorted)

Packet of anti-inflammatories

Deodorant

3 t-shirts (dirty)

Two extra children's duvets

Vanessa Bruno dress

Packet of Sinutab

Seventeen stuffed animals including near lifesized crocodile

Plate

Pen knife

Stick on cossack beard

1 pair children's socks (dirty)


It's a big bed, admittedly. But still. Also, I saw a large spider was living in my water glass last night but could not bear to deal with it. It is not there this morning. I probably drank it.



Photo sickness check




Lashes:




Has it totally nailed.





Fingers:








Not so much.




E: Do me a sick face, Fingers




F: Mais je ne sais pas comment faire




E: This is precisely my issue with you being here today AGAIN







Me? Why thank you for asking! Here I am in the capacious Bed of Death:




We shall never get to Moscow.


(nb. Inadvertently displaying birth control pills very prominently. The universe is telling me something and I TOTALLY AGREE)





The best Freecycle ad ever, discovered by Violet




Wanted: Mouse cage for rescued shrew! Please help! :) SE4



E: I would suggest a colander. Or perhaps a sock?



V: Indeed. A cage would never hold something that small.



E: This advert raises many questions for me. Like, how?



V: Moving very quickly, I imagine.







Fridge Crime



Those of you who enjoyed Grit and my Savoy cabbages are going to LOVE SueBob's canteloupe. I have suggested we make this a regular feature. Anyone else who wishes to expose the shameful contents of their fridge to the world, just let me know. It will be like a carnival of shame!



Today, I give you this:






Though also, obviously, this:


Tortoise beats rotting veg. Any day. Bring it on, fridge criminals!

20 comments:

Parisgirl said...

No CFO among the sundry objects in the bed, I notice? No room perhaps!
X
WV: Wifenica. tee hee

Ali said...

Oh poor you. We had a smelly fridge all week last week and could not find what it was. It turns out we had a rather ripe wheel of goat's brie lurking under some salami in the door. I should have taken photo. It was orange.I will take one next time, which will surely be very soon.

Jaywalker said...

PG - Still away. I haven't swapped him for a crocodile, I promise. Wifenica is a masterstroke, WV.

Ali - hooray, join the fridge shame parade!

Persephone said...

I love The Three Sisters reference, which resonates like a bad headache now that I'm trapped in Ottawa and long to return to Victoria. You have swimming spiders in Brussels? Did it leave its towel and eight tiny flip-flops behind?
My word verification is "frephel" which may be a foreign variation on "free-fall", but I can't think of anything more clever, because my brain is frozen. (Outside temperature is -25C today, with a windchill of -37.)

Completely Alienne said...

I cleared all sorts of shameful rotting things out of my fridge when I got back from my christmas hols - AND I DIDN'T THINK TO TAKE PHOTOS. What a ful i be.

Next time I find a cucumber dripping all over my fridge I PROMISE to send you a photo.

Iheartfashion said...

I'm sure I could find a few disgusting things lurking in my fridge if I had been shopping at all recently. It's barren, and we are surviving on store bought cakes and honey roasted peanuts with the occasional handful of dried fruit.

katyboo1 said...

Perhaps Cossack berad is spider all grown up in the night?

Jason was ruthlessly efficient with our fridge last night, so no fridge walk of shame today. Tomorrow however may be a completely different story.

Oscar thinks there is tuna in his bed. He may well be right.

expateek said...

Well I feel stupid, because I actually had a totally horrible Belgian endive in my crisper drawer. Crisper than what, one might ask? So awful that I thought it was a sweet potato gone rotten. ecccch.

And then there were actual potatoes rotting in the pantry too. Smelly and disgusting. When I poked at them to see which one was the dirty rotten devil, my finger went straight in. Bleahhhhh.

Love the beard. It makes you look fierce even when obviously fatigued. Good on ya!

bonnie-ann black said...

well, not knowing the artistic value of rotting food in the fridge, i cleaned out the entire thing in anticipation of putting in new leftovers from christmas, new year's and little christmas. there are plenty of leftovers; so far they are in prime condition though. the minute anything changes, i get the camera out.

bonnie-ann black said...

also: didn't Douglas Adams have definition for all the stuff in your bed? i know mine (which is currently only shared with the cat) has unread books, read books, notebooks for writing down stuff, several pens (usually of the felt tip variety that invariably have their top off and mark up my sheets); a half loaded laundry bag, 3 remotes (tv, region free dvd player, unknown); a fork, 3 extra pillow cases, assorted pieces of wrapping paper and ribbons, the cat... and several other items which i won't mention here. there's barely any room for me, and i don't have sick children sharing it. i don't know how you manage. i always go on these binges where i clean the whole room, including the bed, and i manage to get one night's very bad sleep before it starts to revert to its former self.

the ironed curtain said...

Ah, this post has cheered me up! Clever and funny as always.

Jaywalker said...

Persephone - I may have drowned THEN drunk it in the night. Who knows? Certainly not me. Poor you. I am sure you will see Moscow again one day.

CA - I forgive you. I was spellbound by the towel sculptures btw.

Iheart - wow, post-apocalypse catering. Very now. Very spring summer 2009.

Katyboo - ok now I feel violated. Tuna IN and makka pakka UNDER. He's in trouble.

Expateek - I could do with some fierce. I have nearly lost my voice. It is hard to be menacing when you are whispering, unless you are Anthony Hopkins.

Bonnie-ann - I am glad it is not only me. I had estimated the number of soft toys at 17. On recounting there are actually 19, but I am quite pleased with my accuracy. One must take ones pleasures where one can on days like these.

Lisa said...

I will not give up my ginger root from 2006. I believe it's stuck to the crisper bottom as a result of a tippled Kool-Aid incident. The ginger just hangs on.

Mr Farty said...

Sorry, but I live with Mrs Tidy. Fridge is always spick and span, nothing in or under the bed that doesn't belong there. Floors clear and hoovered daily. You know, just in case Kim and Aggie come round.

Bit boring really. Sry.

lisa in san diego said...

good god, your boys are adorable.

i did my once a year fridge-cleaning over the weekend and found v., v. old candy corn.

i ate them. they were delicious.

did you see the beard on the monkey on today's f.y.penguin? reminded me of you!

Laura Jane said...

Only you could make a household of sick people into such an hilarious account of 3 in a bed.

Keep taking the birth control pills, I implore you! You could not handle ANY MORE FUN such as this!

The beard is an unexpectedly hirsute look on you, but I like it! I can see your boys developing such facial accessories in 20 years time.

I wonder ... will the full beard make a fashion come-back any time soon?

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - tenacious little bugger, ginger. Beansprouts, now, they turn to brown goo within hours if you look at them funny..

Mr F - God, she would be repulsed here. Lucky you though.

Lisa - yes! The bearded Kung Fu monkey. Outrageous. Sell by dates are for wimps. And, apparently, according to that expat blog carnival thing, Swedes.

Laura Jane - You are quite right. There are limits to how much fun a person can have and I may have reached that limit this week. Beards are definitely due a fashion comeback. Cossack chic!

justme said...

I am frightened to even LOOK in the back of my fridge......

River said...

My fridge is cleaned every week, the shelves organised with the sauce bottles grouped, the jams all together, and so on. OCD much?

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