Saturday, 3 January 2009

The Book of Belgium, Chapter 3, Verses 5-8: Instant Karma

For as ye reap, so shall ye sow saith the Lord.

Those who mock the amusing domestic accident statistics thoughtfully provided by Rospa* shall be smote down by a Palmier biscuit.

And they shall suffer sorely of a severe laceration to the cheek. And there shall be much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land of Bel-gium.

The infidels shall burn their thighs on a hot water bottle whilst asleep.

And their children and their children's children shall suffer mightily to have three stitches in their chins in a smiting by seesaw accident and the casualty departments of Bel-gium shall be filled with their lamenting.

In the space of one day.

And the Lord shall saith unto them "You don't look so bloody smart now, do you?"

For thus is it written in the scripture.

Thanks be to God!

*513 biscuit accidents in 2002. FACT.


SUEB0B said...

It is too bad that you are Euro. Because otherwise you could join my NGO: the National Organization to Save Americans From Everything (NOTSAFE). Because let's face it, it is not safe, no matter what it is.

Vanessa said...

Persephone from Hades sent me. I am moving to Brussels tomorrow and was already more than mildly terrified before you brought up biscuit accidents.

Jaywalker said...

Don't worry Vanessa! Most of the biscuit accidents are in the UK (what with all our fine British biscuit eating). I am sure the palmier incident was a freakish one off.

Welcome to Brussels. It will be lovely, honest.

SueBob - Could I be your honorary Euro correspondent or something? For truly, nothing is safe. In my hands.

justme said...

Something about this post has left me wondering if I have now TOTALLY lost the plot....

katyboo1 said...

Biscuit eating accidents are quite common in this house. It is the enthusiasm with which they are attacked which frequently leads to biting stray mouth parts (makes us sound like Aliens). It is easily done.

All in one day. You have been a busy bee. When I am rich I shall dedicate you a bench in that hospital.

Mr Farty said...

It could be worse. Much worse. Skydiving, skateboarding and knitting can all get you killed.

Oh. And blogging.

Stick to the biscuits. They're safer.

Iheartfashion said...

Another reason to avoid biscuits!

Vanessa said...

Jaywalker, you have NO IDEA how reassuring that sounds!

Red Shoes said...

What about this cheek laceration?? Is that YOUR cheek that was lacerated? What's happening here?!

Kitschen Pink said...

Oh dearie dearie me! I do so hope you're not starting the year as you mean to go on. No-one can sustain this level of accidental damage and come out sane! Of course that pre-supposes you go into the year sane to start with, which, with all the love in the world, is a debate most of your regulars are having right now!

Jaywalker said...

Justme - I felt much the same after these incidents. It is normal.

Katyboo - you should see this hospital. It rocks. The tearoom doeso delicious salads in a Pain Quotidien style and there are proper cappucinos and Pierre Marcolini chocolates and gooey amaretti biscuits. Oh, the doctors are good too.

Mr Farty - I knew it. We should start the European branch of SueB0B's NGO.

Iheart - I did not even get a sniff of the biscuit. Fingers slashed me with it.

Vanessa - I will happily escort you to a nice safe cafe to welcome you here. Not the hospital one if you prefer.

RedShoes - yes. Slashed by a biscuit. The indignity!

KP - Oh, I know. It is a poor start indeed. I am thinking if I stay in the house wiping up dog poo all year nothing too bad can happen, right?

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