Thursday, 22 January 2009

Bobbly wool is so sexy

I mentioned yesterday that I never get chatted up, propositioned on the street, whistled at by builders. Like, ever. I don't have the looks for it. BMF got scouted to be in a FILM at the supermarket. Paris Colleague, predictably, gets chased up and down the street, receives unsolicited phone numbers and enslaves most of Paris with her gorgeous blonde waves, diminutive height and giant blue eyes. I look dark and shrewlike and , with a big heavy fringe covering most of my face. I wear mean glasses. The few inches of face you can see are usually frowning, I'm dressed in black, and frequently talking to myself. I am probably shedding old tissues and small fragments of paper. I mean, it doesn't scream sexy. I get it. I hope it screams 'slightly frightening, may evolve into dangerous ninja', but I fear I just disappear into the ambient Brussels greyness.


However there is one item in my wardrobe that invariably excites comment and I JUST DON'T GET IT. It doesn't look that good, it doesn't do anything for me, it makes me look sallow and grey and it shows every lumpy bit. It's a blah, boring, sale impulse purchase. Why? What subliminal messages is it sending?






I look like I have a strangely distorted torso here. Not a hunchback; more a hunchside.


Is it because the colour is a bit like FLESH? Yuk.






Look! The deformity has switched to my camera holding hand. Bizarre wrist lump now.

Men at large, however, are less peculiar than the CFO. Let me show you the only thing in my wardrobe that has EVER excited positive comment from him.






It's just horrid. I mean, look. Too tight, lumpy, scratchy woollen jumper. It looks like I have fourteen nipples (cheers, Rigby and Peller for your cheek-gougingly expensive bespoke bra making service. 'Fourteen nipples' was exactly the look I was going for). It puzzles me. Does it awake some atavistic childhood memory of comforting things knitted by his grandmother? Does it make him think of the beautiful colours of, um, tanks? Or tortoises? Even so, how could this be equated with 'sexy'? My best guess is that he is confusing 'nice' with 'not black'.

Does this happen to other people? Mystifying, unappealing things that excite compliments? Things you love that everyone else hates? Comments that make you doubt your own aesthetic sensibilities?

I might blog later. The CFO is so sick I can get away with it (how come HIS flu comes with days of peace and lying in bed and sleeping and grown up dvds and wearing his unfortunate monk dressing gown and mine came with feverish spawn, mass outings to the office, existential crises, Hayden Pannetiere and a zebra?). This post is frankly sub-standard. I am sure I have more to say but the death rattle from the sofa is killing my thought processes.

38 comments:

nappy valley girl said...

Simple. Men like tight things that show off your boobs - THAT's why the CFO goes mad for the green top.

ptooie said...

The flesh-colored shirt is actually cut VERY NICELY, especially for you, you skinny @!#*%. That is not something that would look anywhere near as nice on much-wider me. First glance at the picture made me think it was a mannequin.
The greenish one CFO likes- dunno. Maybe it is a bit of the 'OOH! NOT BLACK!' thing. It fits you well, but is not quite as flattering as the fleshy one.
You are so much prettier than you let yourself think. Quit bringing yourself down.

Jen said...

I think the fleshy one would be appealing primarily because it implies. It is suggestive without trying too hard. The second one is likely because of the color. It is a good color for you.

Honestly my husband tends to prefer me in sweatpants. He's the opposite of most men. Anytime I wear anything revealing or snug, he's all please don't wear that. Everyone also loves these jeans I have, which they are ok, but they are just jeans to me. I get tons of compliments (from other women) on them and there's no real reason for it. The best part. They were cheap.

katyboo1 said...

Ptooie is right. You are very gorgeous. I might hop on a train and come and throw a dead seagull at you myself if you don't get a grip.

Maybe he likes the second top because it does make your boobs look enormous. That does the trick usually.

I like shapeless cardigans and A Line dresses, something along the lines of what Bod wore. Jason hates them all.

Kitschen Pink said...

You'll go mad trying to unravel the complexity of the male mind....
Lets face it - most of the time my hubby's more likely thinking about when the rugby will be on and what's for supper than whether a particular shade of green enhances my shining eyes...!
Pop in if you get a chance. I have given you a much deserved award!
(I've said it before and I'll say it again - that is not the figure of a woman who needs to worry about lumps and bumps! Well I've said something similar!)

P said...

I think it's your boobies. NICE RACK, JAYWALKER! And you have a lovely, swan-like neck, which the flesh-colored top shows off.

I never get chatted up. Ever. OK, once. By a Nigerian immigrant who wanted a new "friend."

Red Rum said...

Sorry if this makes me a perv but yes, the flesh colour IS sexy because it looks like skin. If you sewed (just two) pink buttons on the nipple place you'd look naked. THAT'S why they're loving it, loving it, loving it. And yes, the green is a very nice colour.

Red Shoes said...

Holy wow, Jaywalker. Your figure is INCREDIBLE. I've said it before and will say it again. Damn it, woman! I'm so envious! The boobs and that tiny, tiny waist! There is zero reason why you shouldn't get flirted with, based on these pictures. Perhaps you give off the air of someone who might behead a person if they look too closely at your obvious charms. Who knows.

I think men like the pink one (aside from the afore mentioned comments which all sound about right too) because it is so ultra feminine. Probably makes them feel all manly and such.

Chantal said...

My boyfriend used to rave about an ancient, bobbled, navy blue dress of mine (perfectly nice if perfunctory dress) and nothing else I ever wore. Then one morning I told him I was going to wear the 'special' dress and he said he was bored of it and didn't really like it anymore.

Brilliant.

Your pink top has a nice frilly neckline, which men usually hate, but a plunging decolletage, which they usually like. That's a useful analysis, then.

Persephone said...

P's right. It's the breasts. I have none. (Well, I do, but only when I'm overweight. Which is all the time. So it cancels out.)
I remember the evening I realized I was never going to be chatted up again. It was a year or so after elder daughter was born, and I was walking up the block towards a hotel where a scruffy young drunk was accosting each woman who passed. I braced myself and as I drew abreast of him, he stepped back. You could almost hear him thinking, "I'm drunk, but not that drunk..." I wanted to pull a Murphy Brown on him and snarl: "Well I'm crushed, pal!", but actually, I was feeling too relieved. I never understood the attraction of sleeping with someone you've just met, especially the getting naked bit.

Pochyemu said...

If I prompt him, Rob will say 'Yes, you look very nice' about anything I'm wearing. It's like a knee-jerk reaction. So I'm never sure if I look shit or not.

Can I just tell you something? I went for a 'makeup lesson' at Fenwicks in Windsor, at the Lauren Mercier counter (I have JUST discovered her stuff and it's killing me, it's so amazing!) and this stuff will make you very VERY happy indeed:

http://www.liberty.co.uk/fcp/product/Liberty/Laura-Mercier/Crème-Brûlée-Hand-Cream,--Laura-Mercier/1476

bonnie-ann black said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bonnie-ann black said...

men and the entire male sex, are so strange. i think both those shirts look fine, but i know what you mean. why this and not that? i'm sure you have lovely outfits that you love passionately that the CFO never even notices.

it's very odd, but i have this one semi-military looking shirt (high non-tabbed collar, frog closures) in black that never fails to elicit an appreciative comment from the men in my life. why that should be, i don't know. i wear things that are supposedly more "feminine" and i rarely get a second look.

when i was young and curvacious (instead of plump) and my hair was still chestnut red, i used to wear a plain brown skirt and brown sweater that i honestly thought was nothing special. but i had to walk past a firehouse on my way to work. and every time i wore that outfit, it got very appreciative (yet gallant, nice) comments from the firemen. it was quite a boost to my ego. how i resisted wearing it 5 days a week, i don't know.

G said...

I'd get that wrist lump checked out if I were you. Probably nothing to worry about, just an incipient malignant tumour, or a side effect of some deadly West African flu strain or something.

Great wig by the way. Got to love a long fringe. Would it be inappropriate of me to bring up the subject of merkins at this juncture? Probably. Shame, as it's my favourite word in the whole dictionary. Is there a French translation I wonder? I shall consult my Collins Robert.

Oh sorry, this post was about clothes wasn't it? Yeah, very nice.

peevish said...

I agree with P.

Also, men like it when women wear pink, and that flesh-tone is close enough + it has ruffles. V. feminine.

Mrs Trefusis said...

Men are immensely, unfathomably strange. Mr Trefusis likes nothing I own: every time I ask for his comment all he says - peering suspiciously over the top of his newspaper - is "It's ghastly. I assume it's 'fashion'". I wouldn't mind but I don't think I've worn anything defiantly on-trend for about 20 years....

Marie said...

Did somebody say boobs yet? Boobs.

Elsie said...

You likely are enslaving a good many as you pass, and not grunting louts but those who prefer the danger of “jane eyre-with-a-touch-of-becky-sharp” in fancy shoes. I like the new added content in the margins, and today’s comments have been very instructive. One does not see the word merkin often. One does hear it a lot, at least in my house, as it figured in the TV show Family Guy and the teenagers like to force it into conversation, particularly at meals.

Z said...

The pink one - yes, darling, you're hot. I thought it was a model in the picture, because whichever way you stand you look fabulous. It has a bit of a demure underwear style and colour, maybe that's it.

The second one, ew, sorry, it is so evidently not you, but the awkward neck, the sleeves, the nipples, just no. Colour's all right.

katyboo1 said...

There used to be an opticians at Brent Cross Shopping Centre in London called Robert Merkin. I was rendered insensible every time I walked by it, and I walked by it a lot because I only lived round the corner.
I wanted to go in and ask why he hadn't changed his name.
Maybe he had. Maybe he had changed it from Robert Vagina. Who knows?

Jaywalker said...

Ok, so it would appear we have a consensus (NVG, Katyboo, P, Marie, Red Shoes, Persephone) that the appeal, such as it is, is breast related.

I feel duty bound to tell you, Ptooie, Katyboo, Z, Red Shoes, KP that it all goes horribly wrong from the waist down. But thank you for saying lovely, misguided things. The green jumper is lumpy, scratchy and made of moss. Blah.

Mrs Trefusis has it right. Men are entirely unfathomable; I thought I had cracked it with my picture of the CFO's brain, but I fear not.

G - I am thinking maybe a giant nest of tarantula babies? That happens ALL THE TIME. I read it somewhere. Tarantulas might make good merkins. I will investigate French translation, though with little hope. I asked the CFO something about "poutrelles en acier avec ailes" today but he was less than useless.

Parisgirl said...

The others are right; you look very mannequin gorgeous in the photos and - I can state for a fact having met you - in person too. Yes, men have very strange tastes. This is why so much inappropriately red and lacy underwear gets sold at Christmas.

Potty Mummy said...

Yep, I'm with NVG. You may think you look like you have multiple nipples in the second, but basically they both make your boobs look great. But you probably know that. Is this in fact a show-off post, Jaywalker? Surely not, not from you?

A Confused Take That Fan said...

I am impressed that your bed is made.
I am impressed by how many clothes you have.
I only get looks these days in dark clubs at the 'desperate hour' ie, I've not pulled yet, she looks pissed, I'll try my luck.
I am not a keen wearer of flesh coloured jumpers but it probably gets looks because from a distance you will look naked. Agreed with everyone else, moss green one shows off your great rack...

Jaywalker said...

Paris Girl - oh yes. Bad underwear purchases. Let's not even go there

PM - Truly not. The green jumper is a heap of poo and the flesh pink one is boring. I have a double chin and I am bald. My eyebrows are drawn on by a lady with a needle. I promise I am not showing off. Do you need to go and look at my chin again? Go on. I think you should.

CTTF - the duvet conceals innumberable horrors. You cannot see the pile of dirty clothes down by the bedside table where I shed them each night. I have lots of clothes but most of them have fallen down hems, toothpaste stains, chocolate around the thighs. Noone has ever chatted me up in a club since a crazed squaddie pursued me through "The Gallery" in York and I had to hide in the loos (circa 1992). Anyway, I read that post about who you get mistaken for and you are obviously CANON as they say here (it's a good thing).

G said...

So getting back to the merkins.

Having eventually located the Collins Robert (how could I have lost it in the first place, it's a massive fucker), I am disappointed to report that it has let me down. We go back a long way, he got me through university and everything, but just when I need him he mysteriously jumps from 'meritoriously' to 'merlin' (émerillon).

By the way, I genuinely thought that the first photo on this post was of a shop mannequin. Admittedly you don't get many mannequins holding cameras, but you know, the hair, the angular arms pointing at ridiculous angles, the slim frame. It's actually a compliment. Not that I'm into shop mannequins. If you go down to Blockbuster and hang around by the film 'Blockbuster', do the angular arms thing, you're GUARANTEED to pull.

FYI, Mr Google says that the word for being into dummies (sexual attraction to statues or mannequins or immobility) is agalmatophilia. But he can't tell me how to say merkin in French.

Simon said...

"how come HIS flu comes with days of peace and lying in bed...?"
It's because he has a Man Cold.

emily said...

i am late but i think i agree with most folk -green one looks awkward with a girls eye but (from reading your blog) im guessign you dont wear colour very often? So that could be a strong part of its appeal - that and those seriously good boobs!
The pink - well, along with everyone else i think its the boobs again and the femininity - maybe its the contrast between"severe" glasses and soft and approachable frilly jumper...

Dani said...

See I don't think men are all that baffling. I think they're terrifyingly simplistic. So the answer lies in one word. Boobs.

I'd love a figure like yours.

Fourteen nipples would be awesome. Unless Lil Miss had to feed off each and every one. Then I'd never get her to bed.

JPM said...

Could it not also be, for that green one, the placement of those buttons, for though the cut itself is flattering, those buttons make it seem like what the sweater is covering is readily accessible. My husband has a thing about wrap skirts for similar reasons.

Léonie said...

Why do people keep going on about the loads of nipples thing like it's a good thing? Is it better to have loads of nipples? Am I missing something?

I think the second top looks scratchy, and like you might get hot in it. I can see why you're baffled, all those beautiful clothes you have shown us and it's these that incite the lusts of men. You do look lovely, all slim and breast-y (sorry), but I don't think that merits going about in a top fashioned from moss.

P.S. Rigby and Peller made me cry. I hate them. Haven't they gone into administration now? Over-rated swine.

Jaywalker said...

Léonie - you too? Every time I picked up some pretty scrap of fabric they would laugh grimly and show me a giant wodge of beige elastic. Hags. There must be a limit to the number of nipples that is aesthetically pleasing and comfortable. We should investigate.

JPM - It's a good theory, men like intimations of undoing, certainly. But he would only have access to my clavicles which have never seemed to drive him particularly wild..

Emily - i suppose it probably is the colour thing. I flirted with colour when I was thin and crazy, but now I'm back to my reliable sludge pallete. Poor CFO.


G - you are tremendously dedicated to the cause of linguistic advancement. Bravo. Also, thank you! There is no Blockbuster in Belgium. I will have to make a special trip when I need a little ego boost. Now I know the French for a merlin AND the word for mannequin fetish. Elsie was right. This post has been most informative.

Going to watch Simon's video now.

Léonie said...

Yes! Yes. Cackling cruelly as they hand you something that resembles two dinner plates and some lengths of masking tape. Ack.

Iheartfashion said...

You are undeniably gorgeous! Men don't whistle in the street because they are doubtless intimidated by your beauty (and your glasses).

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! The flesh jumper - yew! The one that makes you look at if you have 14 nipples - LOL!

As for that man flu thing.. my husband is the same. And as for Hayden P and her zebra, I quite like that film: especially Scuzz and Buzz and the immortal words: I like all food, especially candy and poo.

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