Saturday, 24 January 2009

Bearded cat

I am the only sad bastard on the internet that posts on Saturdays, correct? There's some unwritten rule that Saturday is for real life. Everyone else is out doing stuff. Sexual gymnastics, shopping trips, going to galleries, seeing friends, doing "sport", "brunch" and other things I can scarcely imagine. So I hear. Well I'm not, so I'm afraid you can just suck it up. Or not. Because you are probably out doing those things.

I am wondering today why terrible news does not make me a better person. Because right now, the CFO and I are being so loathsome that I am very glad the only people that are around to witness this shameful display are our children, and they are pretty good at being annoying too. The smell of burning martyr is becoming overwhelming. Bystanders could die from smoke inhalation at this rate.

"How are you feeling?" [Like I need to ask. Your ostentatious coughing can be heard for miles]

"Oh, you know. I'm coping" [No thanks to you. Would it kill you to offer me a Lemsip? I am SICK"]

"No, don't worry, you just go back to sleep, I'LL put the children to bed" [poorly supressed sigh]

"No I'll be fine don't worry about me, I am slightly dizzy but I'm sure it will pass" [hacking cough hacking cough]

"I'm just going to light the fire, NO DON'T GET UP you're obviously too poorly" [eye roll]

"No, I'll do it, just give me a minute to stop SHAKING" [theatrical shudder, judder, teeth chatter]

We sat in Café Belga this morning waiting for the spawn music class to finish (Yes, I am a pushy middle class parent.Well, I'm not really, but an hour without both of them on a Saturday? Are you kidding? Yes please. Lashes mainly sharpens pencils, as far as I can tell. Fingers, as a signatory of the Official Secrets Act, maintains a judicious silence on all activities). Eyeing each other sourly, while he sat hunched in twenty layers of fleece, fastidiously sipping juice like a ninety year old and I jabbed at my cappucino stabbily.

"It's weird how I'm totally not hungry" [See? See how sick I am, you heartless bitch? I can't even eat and you COULDN'T GIVE A SHIT]

"Mmph" [Shut UP. I need to know that like I need a hole in the head as I sit here stuffing my face with cramique.]

"What? Why are you looking at me like that? What's wrong? Is it MY FAULT? It's not my fault I'm SICK" [Even you, you irrational, rage-filled medusa, you cannot pretend it is my fault I have the flu]

"Of course it isn't, don't be stupid" [Yes. It is.]

"I'm doing my best" [you unsympathetic witch]

"I know" [THIS is your BEST? Jesus]

Goodness, we are vile. Especially me. But having sadistically trailed him round Comptoir des Cotonniers, Rue Blanche and Isabel Marant, then all the way down rue des Chartreux this afternoon (GREAT street, featuring the dog companion to the Mannekin Pis), I feel better. He feels better because I didn't buy anything. Of such concessions are good relationships made. Ha! No, I can't write that with a straight face. Basically, we are too defeated by this foul month to sustain a grievance. We would rather just collapse with shitty tv and shitty food from the freezer and sit in companionable balefulness. I'm not sure I'd recommend it, but it works - just - for us. The secret to a successful long term relationship - maintain exhaustion levels high enough to preclude vigorous fighting. Oliver James? Your thoughts?

In other news, I tried to take a photo of a cat climbing over the back wall with a beard like Captain Birds Eye. Or Santa. It's not terribly successful, so you might have to take my word for it.

Cap'n Birds Eye:

Santa Cat:

Enlarge it! I swear the cat has a beard.

Um, that's all. Totally worth posting on Saturday, right?


Kitschen Pink said...

I'm here. Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't admit to that! I won't post though - I'll wait until sunday evening - or is that just as bad? Hope you're enjoying that stodgy time together on the sofa. If it works don't knock it, and certainly never discuss it with a psychologist! t.xx

Potty Mummy said...

Totally worth it. A Bearded Cat? You could have made good money for that back in Victorian times. And yes, I too am a saddo that posted. Don't bother to check it out though; mine was a lot less entertaining than yours and frankly, you summed up our marital relations perfectly at this stage. You can always rely on a husband coming home from 6 days away with a man cold to put a downer on the weekend...

(And how apposite; your word verification says just how I feel: awine

Maggie said...

I always post on weekends and holidays due to NO LIFE so there you go, a reliable source! Quantity we got. Quality? You can judge.

Feel better soon! It sounds horrible.

Completely Alienne said...

A Captain Birdseye cat! I am impressed; there is a cross eyed one next door, but that is about as interesting as they get round here.

And, as you can see, I am here on saturdays too. Avoiding life. Cook? Clean? Bugger that. I've already had to spend two hours in TopShop with a 14 year old; I'd rather eat chocolate and play on the internet now.

My wv is nonine - I am too brain dead to think of anything witty it could mean.

Parisgirl said...

I'm here too, and's Saturday evening.
Of course it's not the CFO's fault he has flu, but don't you find that men seem to make such a deal of being ill? I suppose that's why someone came up with 'Man Flu', a potentially fatal strain.

Z said...

We were invited out to dinner tonight and when I excitedly told my husband (we still have friends who want to see us and cook for us and we'll have fun!) he said that he might want to go down to Gloucestershire one weekend and couldn't commit himself to anything on any Saturday until he went, sometime between now and July. I pulled rank there, I can tell you. I reminded him just who can make his life totally miserable or very very happy.

We're going. Just as well, because I was going anyway and was all ready to pick a new husband to go with.

Pochyemu said...

I don't always post on Saturdays, but you can bet I'm sitting around waiting for someone else to do it...and then I POUNCE on their blog, and devour the little morsel of their life that they have tossed me.

Last night:

Me: I'm going to B&SIL's house...I have things to celebrate, you coming? [Are you really planning on laying on that sofa all day? Pay attention to me!]

Rob: Well, I'm quite ill at the moment...[Fuck off fuck off fuck off]

Me: Well, I'd really appreciate you coming since it's not ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME [no, YOU fuck off!]

Rob: But! I only just stopped puking up a half hour ago! [Jesus! She IS the worst wife ever! I was right!]

Me: Right do what you want [GET OFF THAT SOFA RIGHT NOW!]

Rob: Ok let's go [le sigh...I hate her, yet she wins again!]

Titian red said...

I love people posting on Saturdays, so many thanks - otherwise I assume everyone is having far more fun than me ..... I sleep under the papers and complain about the lack of housework being done by others, while vainly fending off requests from girlchild for more, more, more money. For Gods sake I even went for a wax to get away from it all !

justme said...

I am here on a Saturday.....I am here MOST saturdays! Clearly I have no life. I even posted today.... Ah well. A least I have my internet friends!
Please DON'T stop posting at weekends....what would I read??

Kate said...

dude. i'm on my computer every day. and checking out blogs every day. and i was online chatting with my ex boyfriend until 3:30 am. clearly, i am a total loser. i did go to a preschool meeeting today and then to lunch with the offspring and husband but abandoned them part way through because of back pain. and i am now laying in bed farting around while they go to the pet store and walk around in the 30 below weather.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog and have spent the last hour creasing with laughter.... and on a Saturday night too!

Totally with you on the Oliver James front. Isn't he the one who is into all the 'attachment parenting' stuff, which, as far as I can gather, means the mother has to carry a child in a papoose till the age of 9?

Sorry about your brother. Life is indeed pish sometimes. Hope that there's good news to come

G said...

Yeah, you sound evil. Possibly twisted. Nasty combination.

Re: the bearded cat. It's a massive fucker! I reckon it's at least half lynx. I wonder if lynx(es) and cats can mate. I sense a pointless google search coming on...

katyboo1 said...

I posted. I just couldn't do it until now because I was too busy shouting and being vile to the children. I couldn't be vile to the husband because he has been at work since five this morning. Tsk!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I'm here too - Love the bearded cat - Can you have it stuffed for me?! Only joking, I love cats!

Seriously, JW, you are in an awful place right now (That sounds so OJ), and how you can make your dialogues so funny, is astounding...

Iheartfashion said...

What a cat!
I think exhaustion levels too high for much of anything hold many a marriage together.

Jaywalker said...

KP - No, it's better. Lower desperation levels, definitely;

PM - I KNOW! Where are the freakshows? There should be more. I bet you are more charitable than me. You sound nicer.

Maggie - hurrah. I am not entirely alone.

CA - Violet's cat was cross-eyed. And it looked exactly like Ryan Giggs; another freakshow candidate.

PG - urgh; I don't know. I see no evolutionary purpose to it. Man flu. Pff. Bright side - he's too pathetic to impose blogging embargo.

Z - that's poor, truly it is. I wish I could try that for the February ski trip of nylon doom "no, sorry, I might need to go somewhere. Anywhere".

Pochyemu - the universal subtext of passive aggressive spousal conversations everywhere. We could totally do a dissertation on it, no? WHAT ARE YOU CELEBRATING, TELL ME TELL ME

Titian - yes, that sounds dull but did you worm anything, hmm? If not, I win.

Justme - I'll try. I promise. But you know, marital meltdown, etc etc.

Kate - at least you know you're not alone now. I am also a total loser. And you TOTALLY earned that afternoon in bed.

Tracy - Yes, that's the one. Git. It's my life's mission to tell the world how much I hate Oliver James. Repeatedly. Hello. And thank you.

G - I might try and catch it next time, and we can poke it a bit and take its DNA and whatnot. There has to be a market for massive fuck off bearded lynx cats.

Katyboo - will go check out your antics now.

Woman - don't tempt me. DIY taxidermy! Fun for all the family!

Iheart - so true. Noone tells you that, do they?

ptooie said...

After completing a surprisingly peaceful overtime shift at work, I'm here too. Came home to a stressed out husband and girls who were theoretically napping- 90 minutes later, they're still talking and kicking the walls of their room. Husband escaped to the grocery store while I was doing laundry, the wuss. At least we've been pleasant to each other this week.
That's a great looking cat. Much more interesting than the ones around here.

Titian red said...

Put anti-flea jollop on the dog and later, unwittingly, scooped a heap of washing to my chest not realising that daughters kittens had poohed in it.(Fortunately no cashmere !) Needless to say it was all husbands fault.

Pochyemu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
redfox said...

I am very grateful that you posted on a Saturday! It livened up my pathetic Saturday evening internet trawling no end.

Tonight I am truly all dressed up with nowhere to go, having changed into all new clothes and put on eye makeup all for the purpose of... making soup. And then sitting around digesting it while we sit on separate computers reading the internet separately. Very glamorous.

We don't have the excuse of either one of us being sick or even particularly exhausted, either. We're just lame, and it's cold out. Again. So you've been the highlight of the night!

redfox said...

Oh, and just to fully illustrate how pathetic I truly am, I am sitting here being glum because the fucking wool lap rug I ordered hasn't arrived yet. Is there a more feeble thing to be melancholy about? I think perhaps not.

Zed said...

This is going to be an interesting trip to the pet-shop today. Are you well enough? And the CFO will despise me. Soopah. Anyone with man-flu should be beaten with a wet haddock.

Coding Mamma (Tasha) said...

Ah, yes, man flu, the bain (or is it bane, can't be bothered to look it up) of every woman's life.

Yesterday, I was ill to the same level as hubby had been ill two Saturdays ago (not very, really - just very tired and a bit snuffly).

What did my day consist of? Getting up at 6.30am with daughter, spending all day trying to amuse daughter who was not anywhere near willing enough to sit in front of the TV and kept wanting to actually play and read books and sensible things like that. Tidying up our bedroom, the living room and the kitchen, doing two loads of washing and managing to read about a quarter of the Guardian before bathing and putting daughter to bed.

What did his day consist of? Getting up at 11.30 am, spending an hour reading the internets, going and getting the shopping in, coming home and saying 'You don't mind if I go up on the computer for a bit, now?' and then when I say 'Actually, yes, I do. I did all that tidying and cleaning while you were out in the hope that I could just go and collapse on the bed for an hour.' 'Oh well, Peppa Pig's about to start, so should just be able to sit down and read the paper. Call me, if you need me to take over.' and then off he went up to the computer. He did cook dinner and take the dog out for his walk, at least.

When he was ill himself, I did all the housework, went shopping with daughter, he slept for about three hours in the middle of the day, I cooked, bathed the daughter, asked my sister to come round for half an hour to play with daughter so I could walk the dog and then put the daughter to bed, before doing a few hours' ironing.


And I also posted yesterday, then spent the day being ill and yet never managing to get more than 30 seconds to look at the computer.

Grit said...

i tell dig to fuck off. I don't bother with all the hidden content. he just breathes a lot and says 'i see'. i am just a working class girl married to the middle class.

Zed said...

I think I can see why Em and I understand each other. Today she saw my house. It was clean because the cleaning lady came yesterday (I can't clean myself due to back problems). She was impressed. No mountains of shoes by the door as the kids are with papa this week.

But once she saw my clutter she felt better.

I saw Em's house. Beautiful! Gorgeous! Messy! So much character and familiale.

One thing I'd really, really like to do as in one of those programmes: de-clutter someone else's house and they de-clutter mine. Important papers are not to be thrown out.

Em .... whaddya say?

Jaywalker said...

Zed - you are too kind; the word 'squalid' is missing there.

Grit - oh I'm all about the subtext. Actually there is often a whole parallel conversation going on in my head when all the CFO hears is 'fine'.

Tasha - EXACTLY. I am trying to rise above it, but so, so failing.

Lovely redfox - yes. This sounds all too plausible. I would be sad too about the lap rug. I want one!

Titian - ok, we're about equal then.

Ptooie - pleasant is good. I aspire to that, but am settling for 'moderately passive aggressive'.

Lisa said...

I would be very unhappy if you let a little thing like it being a Saturday get in the way of writing. I think the only thing that makes my marriage work better than the exhaustion you prescribe (which really does work) was having my husband out of town for a few days. He might be able to guess when I'm rolling my eyes during a phone conversation, but he has no confirmation and I won't apologize for a hunch of his.

Fat Controller said...

Now that is a malevolent-looking moggy if ever I saw one. I think you are going to have to post a picture of this alleged canine anologue of the mannekin pis.

As for the total lack of sympathy for the ailing partner...that has been a cornerstone of our relationship for the last 30 years, so don't worry.

Word verification is 'manic'. Really, it is!

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