1. Stick cameleon from Le Caméléon book's tongue back on. Glue not Scotch.
2. Tram ticket for Lashes' school trip to dismal circus featuring 1 goat.
3. Draw Dialga (using blue felt tip pen, v. important, not Bic quatre couleurs).
4. Apologise to hystrionic neighbour even though it is a damn lie, I never slammed the door in her face. I just shut it gently while she was still talking. NUANCE.
5. €4,70 for Fingers' school trip tomorrow - OMFG does he need a fucking packed lunch???? Are any of the parents still speaking to me so I can check??
6. Check with CFO if Sibelga still taking me to court for non-payment of bill from 2005.
7. Feed triops ideally without retching.
8. Prepare update to Tedium files for 16 January.
9. Replace Lashes' blue felt tip.
10. Raid CFO's suit pocket for hidden money to take to London to take advantage of piteous state of pound in M&S Simply Food. DO NOT FORGET 2 tubes of Protect & Perfect.
11. Decontaminate house and restock drinks cupboard for state visit from Bearded One at weekend. Read up on his recent triumphs. Prepare lively discourse about high profile and fascinating legal career. Remember not to mention reduced working hours.
12. Make appointment with Doctor Verruca and his needle of death for Fingers.
13. Find gynecologist who is (a) Under 90 (b) Unlikely to leave me in stirrups while he disappears for 20 minutes to potter around and play mystifyingly with a microscope (c) Less prone to hacking coughing fits while performing smear test.
14. Remember not to look at Fingers/Britney while he is getting dressed tomorrow (this morning's fiasco best not repeated). If not possible, try to defuse situation with instant offer of hot chocolate/Kinder Egg/money.
15. Remember rash promise to bring Spangles back from London on Wednesday. Admit to chef not in office on Wednesday. Attempt to convey this information in a way suggesting that he already knew about this AGES ago and agreed.
16. Admit to Dirk the office manager I have lost my pass card for work. Submit to lecherous pseudo-scolding. Grit teeth. Smile. Avoid kicking in testicles if possible.
17. Establish whether failure to deal with intrusive health insurance form from April about depression, thoughts of self-harm, mental health related absences from work, abdominoplasty, etc. means that family effectively destitute if I am runover by 92 tram tomorrow.
Invade Netherlands Buy milk.
19. Make everyone happy forever with MAGIC DUST/Shouting/Prayer/Reptiles/sheer force of will/blackmail as appropriate.
20. Write perfect, acerbic, funny, cool novel and become famous and appear on BBC 2 arts programmes looking severe yet achingly sexy in Jil Sander and architect's glasses. Become reconciled to death and ageing and the various tragedies of life due to sudden influx of enormous wisdom.
What's on yours today?