Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Scenes from my boring life pt 5,000,0000 "enlivened" with excess exclamation marks

Good evening my virtual friends. Today is a mixed bag, in the style of the tragically defunct Woolworths Pick 'n' Mix. Superdrug still does the business though, if you're anxious, and the Sweet Chariot at London's bustling Liverpool Street station even has white chocolate fish 'n' chips (the taste of happiness). Noone is paying me to say any of that, sadly.

On the side of the angels (white chocolate fish and chips) there is this:

Shh! Don't cheer too loud! The CFO will hear you!

This is the notorious 3.1 Philip Lim top that has become something of a legend on these pages. Thank you BMF (no, it is not an inappropriately lavish gift, I am paying him back, OK? Straight away) for doing the business. True friendship is enabling your friend's inappropriate and irresponsible shopping obsessions. What do you think? Mental? Or mental but in a good way? Or, beautiful top, but not on your scraggy ruin of a body, Jaywalker?

There is also this:

Ridiculous but sweet charm bracelet I bought for myself. As you will note, it has a teeny tiny cup featuring a caterpillar on it. No idea why, I just liked it and it wasn't dear. I am kryptonite to jewellery, so this is unwise. That is why my long and elegant, though filthy, hand model's hands are bare of all adornment. The emerald fell out of my mum's engagement ring. I killed my birthday Baume & Mercier watch just with the death rays that emanate from my wrist, and then killed its cheap Swatch successor. The diamond fell out of my non-engagement ring in Violet's flat. We spent all day on all fours looking for it, only to locate it in Lashes' sock the next day. I lost the Tiffany diamond bracelet the CFO gave me (Yes. Godalmighty. One of the only afuckingmazing presents he has got me in our lengthy joint history and I lost it) on one of my manic 'run around London buying M&S food and cheap high street clothes' trips. I have the worst track record ever. I am hoping the fact that it is totally non-precious will help. Doubtful.

Apart from mindless ill-advised retail, I wrenched myself off the hamster wheel of chocolate-fuelled legal doom today by forcing myself out (Outside! Into the world of mortals! Where the undead of the corridor of ennui fear to venture!) for soup and salad at lunchtime. Go me! A meal involving vegetables. Extraordinary.

My breasts are no longer quite as freakishly enormous or hurting. This is a source of tremendous relief and some considerable mystification. However, I will not be looking a shrunken breast in the mouth. As it were.

There are only seven (seven!) working days before my part time 2 day a week thing kicks off. Oh god! That is both magnificent and slightly frightening. I could easily fill all that extra time with eating Maltesers and blogging but that must not be allowed to happen.

The triops! Hatched. They do indeed have three eyes! And they are quite large and unnerving and horribly energetic, and look like they have come from one of those episodes of Doctor Who that leaves you hiding behind a sofa. They have about four hundred trillion teeny tiny legs, giant antennae and a sort if hideous semi-transparent red/orange abdomen on which they balance their foul smelling orange food, in the manner of a troupe of small repugnant otters. Soon, they will be climbing out of their nice heated plastic Triops Center Parc thing and taking over the house, shortly followed by the world. I have now ensured that BMF never visits me again. Damn.

The CFO and I are having a night away on Saturday. The thought of staying in bed past 7am is making me feel a little dizzy. It will not be glamorous at ALL, in a chain hotel in a wintry seaside resort in northern France , but it will have clean sheets and a tv and room service, so at least we can lie in bed and watch crappy tv and sleeeeep. Beautiful, beautiful sleeeep.

Meanwhile, on the side of badness (liquorice allsorts, marshmallows, those pink shrimp things) - and let's gratuitously remind ourself how that looks:

Ooh yeah.

- we have the following:

It's still only 4pm and I have Malteser burn on my tongue.

I have had to cancel my appointment tonight with the knee guru due to childcare fuck ups. This is doubly bad - the knee guru is much in demand and I will probably now have to hobble until well after Christmas (UPDATE: 6 January. Nice) AND I was very much looking forward to a peaceful hour with a book waiting for him instead of the usual WWF (or is it WW something else now?) style bedtime routine with the spawn ("get off my shoulders Lashes, you weigh 25 kilos, also, did you just fart in my face? Fingers use your words, I cannot interpret that wordless shriek and finger in my eye without some additional clues. Both of you DO NOT make that noise about this perfectly pleasant dinner or you are going STRAIGHT TO BED" uttered on a rising note of desperation and impotent rage).

I discovered Alexa's blog (how had I not found it before? Hmm?) which in itself is a good thing as she is a most magnificent writer, but now I feel unworthy to put fingers to keyboard as she is the queen of all that is amazing and awe-inspiring.

Fear of scritching and scrabbling in the fridge is unabated.

Christmas shopping? Not so much. Or, indeed, at all.

Cooking for small boys. Sooooo farking boring. Shackass! Any suggestions to broaden our repertoire (pasta, sausage or chicken plus green vegetable, pizza without cheese, baked potato, rice, chicken fajitas)? Taking into account the fact that all new foodstuffs are viewed as an act of unprovoked aggression. And if you can't clearly identify and separate all constituent elements, you might as well just cut out the middleman and chuck it straight in the bin yourself. Some vegetables are permitted (not tomato or cooked peppers or courgettes or aubergines, or the satanic onion), cheese is the food of the devil, ditto eggs, baked beans, mash. One eats tuna, the other doesn't. Sorry to go all mummy blog on you there for a minute, but we are slowly boring each other to death over here and I don't see why I should spare you.

And in a sort of limbo between good and bad, yesterday I found my Christmas present. It was a total accident I swear! I was looking for a hammer. Anyway, it's exactly the camera I asked for (thanks Peevish) so yay, but also must act surprised. Gosh! Such a surprise! And, OMFG, the CFO has done more Christmas shopping than me.

I think, on balance, the forces of good win today. But hey, it's only half past eight; there's still time..


bevchen said...

Wilkinsins does the best pic n mix.... it's cheap so you get more sweeties for your money.

Love thetop. And the vharm bracelt. The weird cup thingy with a caterpilar on RULES.

Pochyemu said...

God, the way you talk/think about your office room mate is the way I speak about EVERYONE. You're exactly the kind of person I always hope I'm going to work with every time I change jobs so we can be mean and horrible about everyone.

Love the top, and if I had someone to buy it for me so that I could pay it off in installments, I totally would do the same thing. I'm trying to figure out who I can get to buy me these Chloe booties. If I don't get them somehow, I shall just die.

Also, I want to go to Belgium or Paris or something in the spring for something to do...you know, 'research trip'. With (or preferably without) my rediculous husband. What do you thhiinnkkk? I could maybe meet you for Maltesers and we could be horrible to EVERYONE!

katyboo1 said...

I do not do jewellry either, for much the same reasons. I wear my wedding ring, which is lovely, but I have already slightly dented the emerald. I fear it will not last long.

Nevertheless I envy your caterpillar cup. It is very shiny.

Roast dinners? My kids like them because roast potatos are kind of like chips and yorkshires are sort of like cake and everything else can be herded into small heaps...

justme said...

Hmmmm. Well the top is LOVELY....and you are too.
BUT....I am slightly cross with you, on account of I had very little sleep last night, and that which I DID get was tormented by dreams ( of other bad things to but,,) of the tortoises scrabbling.....in the boxes......it was/is very distressing. Am hoping to sleep tonight....

lisa in san diego said...

the top is beautiful -- i wish i had a neck of any length at all so i could wear tops with interesting necklines. instead, my head gradually slopes into my shoulders with nary a break for cervical vertebrae.

i also do not "do" jewelry. my wedding ring never leaves my finger -- not so much because of the love and devotion but more because i will lose it the minute i take it off. but i've managed to hang on to the tiffany bracelet my husband bought after our daughter was born.

dinner suggestion: quesadillas! okay, that's assuming you have access to packaged tortillas in belgium. maybe that was a faulty assumption.

pinklea said...

I lose jewellry too, but I still love it and keep replacing it. I lost the very first diamond I ever bought myself TWICE. The first time I found it in the thick shag (yes, shag) carpet of my bedroom the first time, but no luck the second. I lost my diamond bracelet too, at work on Halloween. I dislike Halloween now (bad memories), even though my generous parents got me another bracelet. I broke the band of my sapphire and diamond ring, but I still wear it even though it pinches my finger like hell. I won't go on ...

La Belette Rouge said...

The shirt is all you said it was and I have a new charm bracelet habit and I am in love with yours. Good retail therapy.

expateek said...

You're going to think I'm such a stalking WEIRDO but that silk blouse looks so lovely against your pale and silky skin. Frankly I was dubious about the whole 3.1 Lim plan, but now, seeing it on you, I am smitten.

Your hands, your neck... you look positively translucent. (In a good, nay, excellent way)

Jaywalker said...

Bevchen - what is this Wilkinsons of which you speak? I am not aware of its work. More detail!

Pochyemu - yes. Yes you must. We could get ourselves banned from various parts of Belgium together. Link to boots please?

Katyboo - I can roast a chicken. What else could I roast? I am not sure I know how. Please help.

Justme - Oh, I am so sorry! I also have the dreams but in mine the tortoises have grown to human size and are walking around on their back legs. It is not pleasant.

Lisa - I wish we could share out my neck between us. It is freakishly, disproportionately long. What exactly are Quesadillas and how do they differ from fajitas? I can get packets of Old El Paso tortillas, but then what?

Pinklea - I'm giving up, I think. Plastic only from now on.

Belette - I'm glad you approve. I trust your fabulous taste absolutely.

Expateek - believe me when I say that since yours in the only compliment on anything I have had in about, oooh, fifteen years, I am hardly going to think you are a weirdo. I am more likely to weep with gratitude. Thank you!

Kitschen Pink said...

Three words - pot, kettle, black.
Unless that very snazzy blouse is displayed on a shop dummy, then clearly you have no need to worry about your malteser addiction.
And could you stop mentioning maltesers please. I had 4 tubes put by for tree gifts for children who will now have to put up with sharing one tube between them as the others have somehow become empty! In fact the last tube is in peril as I type.... gotta go! t.xx (PS- whilst we're thinking of office room mate (skinny-diet germ spreader person) can you not sue for wrongful endangerment or something - I mean really - disgusting!)

Pochyemu said...


Boots! I'm afraid they won't be fore everyone, but...They were only on the catwalk at first, and I loved them. Then Kate Moss was wearing them in the ad, and I loved them. And now they're on sale for £175, and I love them but STILL can't afford them.

If there are any old rich men out there, I will do horrible, disgusting things to get these boots. Just so you know.

Completely Alienne said...

I have similar boredom problems with a teenager who generally only eats pasta (either with grated cheese or tomato and marscapone sauce) margherita pizza or baked bean lasagne. Katyboo is right on the roast front - I can get roast potatoes and yorkshires down her (with gravy and peas - forget the meat, she's a veggie who won't eat vegetables, except peas). Last night I managed to get a curry down her - well curry sauce and naan, she picked out the veg and ignored the rice, but it was a change.

Kate said...

my daughter just read a word off of the tv i think... i'm a bit puzzled. sorry. wasn't going to tell you that but it happened as i opened the comment box to tell you about how all she wants to eat is Annie's Organic Mac and cheese, ravioli and pancakes plus the occasional grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly. I am so sick of pasta I could scream, but I am also lazy so we eat tons of it. I keep thinking about making pizza but never do. maybe i'll do that today... (ha ha ha). I bought vegetables yesterday and just made the ravioli. At least it had spinach in it.

less than 2 weeks until we are in the same country enduring the horrors of noël.

Jaywalker said...

KP - Eh, the top is very flattering too. Anyway, aren't maltesers supposed to be 'lite'?

Pochyemu - I'll have to trust that they would be fabulous on you. They look a bit orthopedic..

CA - That is both reassuring AND depressing. So, no prospect of improvement in the next decade then?

Kate - That's a bit amazing no? Child genius. Lashes is six and half and will not read a thing, dammit. Ever. I blame myself. Also, mmm. What a delighful prospect. Mildewed towels, things that should never, ever go in tins and horrifying gifts. What larks we shall have, what larks.

ptooie said...

It is indeed a lovely blouse, and looks great on you. I like the charm bracelet too, I seem to have a thing for little drawn critters...
I'm afraid I'm not much help on the food- we've spent this time in Texas trying to figure out something, ANYTHING besides fries our little one will eat. We were in the drive-thru at a taco place yesterday, 3yo is in backseat saying "Not a crunchy taco, I want a SOFT taco" and other side of backseat chirps in "fwies!".
She has few words, but by golly she can use them to full effect.
Surprisingly, dried blueberries or cranberries are popular at breakfasts in our family. They both devour them.

lisa in san diego said...

i would love a graceful, swan-like neck. as i do not have one, i am forced to live without turtlenecks, high collars, chokers, and dangling earrings. see -- all the fashion opportunities open to you and foreclosed to me.

quesadillas (pronounced: "kay-sah-dee-yas" -- believe me, you don't want to mispronounce it in southern california) are two tortillas, sandwiching shredded cheddar cheese, fried till golden-brown on both sides in a teeny bit of oil. i use an oil-spray on a frying pan to cut the oil usage down. my kid will eat them everyday. if you want to get adventurous, you can put other stuff between the tortillas: shredded chicken, green chiles, salsa, etc. slice them into triangles with a pizza-wheel, and you've got the perfect finger food.

now i'm hungry.

lisa in san diego said...

and also, what the hell are maltesers?

lisa in san diego said...

and furthermore, what on earth are you using a sponge for in your office? is "sponge" a code-word for something?

whatever it is, it doesn't sound at all hygienic to be sharing it with flu-girl.

Helena said...

I haven't read your blog in aaaages! Life has been getting in the way in a medium to averagely shit way.
But... the triops! Yay! I want to see them. bet they're way cool. However, I'm not sure I'd want to live with them so I can totally understand your feelings. Right, off to read more posts.

reen said...

Your new top is lovely, and I would commit a felony to have skin like that!

Jaywalker said...

Ptooie - Fries is ok, though. I hope for both of us. Fries and dried fruit probably covers plenty of food groups... Add M&Ms for protein and they have a balanced diet!

Lisa - can I do it without cheese?
They don't do cheese. It is poison. The "sponge" is a scourer. For cleaning mugs. Maltesers are small chocolate balls with a honeycomb centre and surely, surely you have them over there? Because if not, emigrate, stat. There is plenty of dull lawyering on offer here.

Helena - they are sort of fascinatingly repulsive. I sent BMF this quote I found about them:

"Nothing like watching one of your triops parade happily about the tank carrying the head of one of its dead comrades like some bizarre trophy while it cannibalizes it to bring a lump to your throat"

Reen - I'll flay myself and send it to you, but in real life it's sort of blue/grey. But thank you!

lisa in san diego said...

crap -- i missed the part about cheese = poison. my brain probably refused to accept that any human being is capable of resisting the siren song of cheese.

quesadillas without cheese -- a conundrum. i would suggest a thin layer of refried beans (to glue the crispy deliciousness of the tortillas together), but given lashes/fingers' aversion to baked beans, that might not work either. hmmm, i'll go back to my test kitchen.

Iheartfashion said...

I absolutely love the P. Lim blouse-it looks beautiful on you.

Your co-worker sounds insufferable. Why must all 100 lb women talk about their diets?

And I have no good dinner suggestions. I fly into a rage nearly every night when my perfectly normal, balanced meals are either outright rejected or smothered in so much ketchup as to render them unidentifiable.

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - how about we forget about cheese and beans and just fill the tortillas with KETCHUP. That might work...

Iheart - I am so glad not to be alone in this ridiculous child feeding business. We should send them out to fend for themselves!

River said...

I just cracked up laughing at "Complan, with a goose fat chaser". And I also have malteser burn on my tongue. I just love them and usually can't stop eating until the packet is empty.

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