Sunday, 21 December 2008

Reservoir moths

So, yesterday evening we were decorating the tree, Santa Maria Novella candles burning, twinkling tea lights in white Danish porcelain holders, Messiah on in the background, twinkling lights, fire blazing. My stepmother was threading decorated biscuits, the Bearded One was asleep in an armchair, Fingers was aligning the glitter balls at precise 15cm intervals and Lashes was trying to sneak plastic lizards onto the tree and make small holes in present wrapping paper. The CFO was doing something complex with tools. It was idyllic. Something had to give.

How have I spent this evening? Clearing out 5 cubic metres of kitchen cupboard from a plague of maggoty (moth?) larvae. I have bleach burn to hands, throat, eyes. I have said so many obscene things I am expecting a thunderbolt any minute (after all, a plague of white writhing larvae in your rice is pretty badass and biblical). I smell of death and cereal and I just feel dirty, inside and out. Dirty. But seriously, you fuckers. If I ever see your sorry wriggling motherfucking asses in that fucking cupboard again, I will blast you the fuck into dust with my motherfucking AK47 ("Adritt power spray" cleaner, in hot pink spray gun format). Noone messes with my fucking ground almonds and gets away with it.

Yeah. Fuck that shit man.

Now I am going to have a nice camomile tea. Thank you.


justme said...

I really really really HATE moths....I thought they were the nastiest thing I knew....till I discovered the cluster fly thankful! If you have them not! I STILL hate fucking moths....especially the ones who have eaten holes in my cashmere!!!
Death on all unwanted insectors!

Mr Farty said...

"I smell of death and cereal."

Such poetic imagery. Pure qualit, as your WV tells me.

Potty Mummy said...

You have my sympathy Jaywalker. And now, I'm going to go and throw up...

(Maggots? MAGGOTS?)

Grit said...

dear jaywalker, i feel a terrible sympathy in our slovenly lives. today i discovered a bag of mouldy mealyworms that someone half-fed to the garden robin. then i threw out the rotted pumpkin that i really did mean honest honest honest to have carved at home into attractive lantern shapes at halloween. i discovered it had rotted because it sent up a disgusting stench after splitting and leaking all over the kitchen surface where i put it in october. we both need wives.

Anonymous said...

I am so with you. We moved into our apartment in August one year. We sparked up the central heating in October. The following morning the kitchen ceiling was covered with black-headed maggots. We blatted them with chemicals and thought we had won. Since then we have found them in the rice, in the pasta, in the biscuits, in the cereals, in the pistachio nuts, even in the curry powder and the screw top of the brand new unopened bottle of tomato ketchup in the fridge and - more bloody incredibly - even in things that are triple wrapped. They actually got into the individually heat-seal plastified Madeleines. I am so sick of throwing away food. Then we found them in a mattress that was immediately thrown out. Then all the smarty pants said: "don't worry, the ones that eat your food don't eat the cashmere." Ha, bloody ha! Holes in all my best woolies proves otherwise. Can you tell I am angry too? You bet. This has been going on for years in defiance of every kind of environmentally unfriendly moth killer commercially available. I tell everyone chez nous: "You see a moth, kill it. You see two moths, you sure as hell kill them because if we have two we have two million". I have not yet discovered the answer, but I'm as squeamish as you about wiggling maggots and fluffy larvae in my food. Apparently you can call in the French/Belgian equivalent of Rent-o-Kill to blast them with a deadly stink bomb, but you have to move out for a fortnight and protect all your clothes and soft furnishings. Then, because they are in the clothes and soft furnishings, they come back. I hate insects with a passion.

Elsie said...

Moths - they have been in my spouse’s closet feasting for at least 11 months on his special Christmas sweater - discovered this because I just pulled out the embellished v-neck to give to my son for a a “fugly sweater” holiday party. So I deserve the sack both on account of the moths and also for making an alliance with child to mock father’s special garments. What I especially hate is when you swat a moth and they end up looking like a smudge of dirt.

ptooie said...

And to think the fun I have missed out on! All I had was a raccoon come crashing down through my bedroom ceiling while we were sleeping.
I empathize. At least we knew durned well when our unwelcome visitor had left, and a new roof (and ceiling) ensured no return.
WV's on a nice kick- it's hinting maybe I want some terni. That's a form of termite, right?

SUEB0B said...

ack. Filthy little beasts. This is why I store everything from soup to nuts in the freezer. Because I cannot handle it.

peevish said...

Couldn't you just spray paint the larvae in gold and hang them on the tree?

I think you need stronger drink than chamomile tea.

Anonymous said...

Ish. That just gave me the creeps. Those fuckers better heed your warning. You sound like you mean it.

Waffle said...

Justme - this blog is your #1 spot for moth hatred. I feel proud of that. Death indeed!

Mr F - why thank you. Kill kill kill.

PM - I know, I know. I feel violated. I will never eat a nut again.

Grit - I feel we might need to start an invitation only blog where we can confess our terrible crimes. We are alienating all the normal people with our fetid housekeeping. (That would be a great magazine title, no?)

ParisGirl - oh lord, I am nodding along with sympathy and recognition. Our Paris flat was similarly blighted. They can wrap your house in polythene and heat it to 60° also, the CFO says. It does not sound like a cheap option though, does it...

Elsie - maybe the fugly sweater is a noble sacrifice, protecting all the other stuff from infestation? Can we see a picture of it?

Ptooie - now, to me over here in Europe, a racoon sounds sort of sweet and fluffy. I assume i am wrong?

SueBob - but the freezer is full of jumpers I am protecting from the moths! Note to self- buy new freezer.

Peevish - I am surprised the eurospawn did not suggest this. They must have been distracted by all the interesting new words they were learning.

DCup - I do. Me and my hot pink spray gun.

Anonymous said...

Oh, those kitchen moths are so vile! It sounds as if you did an impressive job of destruction. When we got an infestation earlier in the year, we got rid of simply everything with any grain in it from our cupboards--but new moths still kept drifting over from the landlords' side of the (two family) house. It took a good dose of cold winter weather to cinch the deal. At long last we can safely buy Wasa and polenta once more! But this means that your Christmas timing should make your extermination efforts stick. No new moths flying in from outside, at least, they won't survive it.

Anonymous said...

That's the terrible thing about apartment/flat living, the way that infestations get handed around and around like colds in nursery school.

nappy valley girl said...

oh, can you rub some out on my behalf as well, please. Don't know about kitchen moths, but I don't think I own a single sweater now that doesn't have a hole in it.

Persephone said...

In keeping with the festive spirit, I am reminded of a Christmas a few years back when I decided to use some Christmas crackers from the year before. Unfortunately, the crackers had contained chocolate, so when we broke them open, weevils spilled out on to the table cloth, right in front of my father-in-law the Archdeacon....

Elsie said...

I would take a fugly photo if I had me a camera. Maybe santa will bring one (and not the partially wrapped snowshoes I saw in the closet).

Pearl said...

Ack! That'll take the glow of the evening, won't it?!
I was all grossed out over Dolly (my long-haired and slightly retarded cat) who will not clean herself. Whoever heard of that?! Let's just say it's a clumpy, gagging mess at her rear-end and my parents are coming over for dinner Thursday.
Anyone know how to wash a cat's ass?


Anonymous said...

i have nothing interesting to add to the larvae discussion -- except my own burning hatred for same. i have done the throw-everything-out-and-bleach-what-remains dance, too -- peaceful co-existence can kiss my ass.

but right now, all i can think about is the gagging mess of pearl's cat's rear end. my sister had one of those felines -- said feline was eventually turned outside to contend with the neighborhood coyotes. not that i'm suggesting a similar approach, mind you.

Waffle said...

Redfox - new career for us, perhaps? Glamorous exterminators?

NVG - Yes. It's tragic. Me too. I remember reading about Alexandra Shulman's battle with moths, but her entire wardrobe was replaced by fawning designers. Sigh sigh sigh.

Persephone - I didn't think anything could make me feel better about last night, but the cracker story has. Thank you, from the bottom of my blackened, bleach burnt heart.

Elsie - you found your present too? Sad, isn't it.

Pearl - yeah, that's pretty unfortunate. I dare you to google "wash cat's ass"

Lisa - thank god thank god, I am not alone with my infestation. Brrr.

bonnie-ann black said...

i got them all through my bookcase once -- i discovered it was because i had bought a bag of bird seed to feed the wild birds and hadn't put it in a vaccuum sealed container... the little bastards are *in* the seed. my god, i spent weeks cleaning every single book in my not inconsiderable collection, as well as wiping down the cases and putting linseed oil all over them. yuck! now, i'm not generally freaked out by bugs, but they really put me against the wall. and i used to live in sub-standard housing where roaches abounded. once i finally moved to a place that was roach-free (and which i insure stays that way by making the Raid company rich, buying up those roach motel/resistor things)i swore like scarlett o'hara that i would "never have bugs again!" AND THEN CAME THE MOTHS. and there are no "moth motels" or poisoners that i know of. i now seal everything -- seed, flour, sugar, cerals, grains of any kind -- in double zip lock bags, inside containers. that's how freaked out i get even thinking of bugs, moths and weevils in the house.

my work is "exeri" the exercise of getting rid of vermin, obviously.

Waffle said...

Bonnie-ann - I would totally become a moth murderer professionally. I'm already an enthusiastic amateur.

bonnie-ann black said...

i see a new career ahead for you, jaywalker. sort of a "Mothbuster" uniform and poison pack!

my word is "twairf". the sound a moth makes when its number is up!

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