Saturday, 13 December 2008


I might be having a bad day (I am! Don't ask or I'll tell you and an hour or so later, we'll still be here except I'll be vomiting on your shoes from hysterical crying and you'll be wishing you were dead), but some of you people have had baaaaad Christmases.

Take this, from Pearl for instance on the crushing of romantic illusions:

So much of what my current husband told me was a lie. [Ed: Pearl recently married aged 41]

Sports? Never heard of them!

Read? Why else would he have all these books?

Travel? We'll go to Europe!

A bad man. A very bad man. Sports? I have now seen women's college basketball play-offs on TV. Read? The good news? He reads the paper. The bad news? It's the sports section. Travel? Not likely! He doesn't like to fly.

A married couple's first Christmas: a romantic, softly lit scene of murmured love, yes? Yes?

I received two gifts that year. An enormous, non-folding umbrella.And a calendar. "What?" he said, as I burst into tears. "But it's a Lord of the Rings calendar! You like Lord of the Rings!"

Things are better now. He's agreed that he is a lying bastard and I've agreed that he is right.

You will also recall the horrors of the comments box.

- Anon I changing bedpans in the care home as her horribly transformed boyfriend suffered Christmas day alone with Anon's mother.

- Potty Mummy's vagina gaffe. "I still remember the silence now".

- Ptooie's ice storm of hell

- Emily and the naked ex pictures topped off with "the seasonal gift of a break up"

- Anon II with the Chatty Cathy doll and molesting relative

- Expateek trying to cancel Christmas

- G's Adidas gift set ("It would seem that the person with whom I have the closest genetic match in the entire world has decided that I am a cunt")

- This from Katyboo - the year Tilly refused to wear clothes at all and spent the whole meal naked except for a paper hat, perched on a stool, scowling and eating sausages - actually sounded like fun. Maybe we should all try this approach? Actually, no. Scratch that.

- Mrs Farty ended up near death's front path and Mr Farty had to do the ironing!

- Siddalee's Mormon momma going out to lie down on the train tracks after her daddy got drunk!

But I'm afraid an early front runner stole my heart. The winner is Grit with this:

My worst christmas ever was the one where uncle eff, the church organist who usually locked himself in the attic, declared at 1am he was just popping out to the gay massage parlour in town, so leave the door unlocked. this was followed by the arrival of aunty vee, the evangelical harp seller from wales, who had come to steal some more of the furniture. my mother had died seven months before, my mother in law ten months before, the triplets were aged under two and no-one had thought of buying any drink for christmas or new year. if this wasn't enough, my husband had embarked upon celibacy. We were on the verge of divorce and had I been sane I would have attempted suicide.

There is just such complexity and richness in the horror of this tale. The infant triplets! The mystifying spousal celibacy! Horrible relatives! Death! Absence of alcohol. I can barely allow myself to imagine it. I also like the way it raises as many questions as it answers. Was Uncle Eff living with them? Why? Why had the spouse taken a vow of celibacy? Grit, you win the Advent calendar. You can use it for educational purposes for the Gritlets. Uh, somehow. Please detail how. I think we would all enjoy that.

Runners up: Anons I and II, even though Anon II, I did ask you to provide more prurient detail and you haven't. And Siddalee. Your horrible horrible stories also deserve some small and probably plastic recognition.

If you would all like to deposit your addresses in the waffle mail box, I will brave the wilds of the post office for you. People DIE waiting in that place. They petrify like in Mother Shipton's cave and get turned into civic ornaments. And noone cares. But I will go because I am lovely like that.

Also, let me leave you with this beautiful seasonal story, which captures the spirit of Christmas whilst simultaneously guaranteeing that I will have to preserve my anonymity forever. One year lost in the mists of antiquity a certain male person in my immediate entourage was tremendously excited to have come upon a small quantity of class A narcotics on Christmas Day. They bore the substance home with much festivity and rejoicing in the manner of a particularly plump and juicy turkey and shared it with great glee with a certain female person also in my immediate entourage.

"I can't feel ANYTHING" complained the female person some hours later. "I feel exactly the same as usual".

"It's Christmas Day and you haven't cried a single fucking time" said the male person "It's working".


Anonymous said...

you aren't serious? you would actually like to hear more of the trainwreck that is christmas in my world? the relative was 8 years older and should have been interested in people his own age by then...wonder if he is still a pedophile(?) yikes. my mother was very religious and made sure i knew there was no santa as the holiday was only about god (not you). or maybe just cheap (or poor). i still feel guilty every single stupid christmas and have no idea why. i am calling my therapist on monday as i suspect pills may help. thanks for all the crappy christmas stories. i am not alone!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I almost feel bad for how much I laughed over these stories. But I am extremely pleased that I have finally made my way over to your site (from Pearl's). :)

I have been blessed with many lovely Christmas holidays, but am preparing a post on my worst one ever....that my husband has demanded approval of (as it centers on his f-ed up family).

Sigh.... ain't the holidays grand?

Grit said...

right, belgian waffle, you've asked for it now. i'm posting a picture of my cabbage.

peevish said...

I can't tell you how much these stories have livened up my holiday season. Congratulations! In my opinion you are all winners, having survived these ordeals!

katyboo1 said...

Excellent choice of winner. As soon as I read it I knew nothing could top it. It's the harp that gets me every time.

my wv is wishola!

Iheartfashion said...

My worst Christmas was the year an elderly female relative started to retch at the table during Christmas dinner, calmly reached for her glass, and proceeded to throw up in it. Without so much as acknowledging the vomiting, she went on with her meal.
But my story can't hold a candle to these!

Pochyemu said...

Hey! I still am awaiting my prize for best comment ever!

The winner's story was my favourite, although I could easily envision myself in Expateek's shoes!

DCup said...

I will never complain about the Christmases where I was stuck doing dishes with the aunties because everyone else had split for their in-laws parties again.

Helena said...

OMG, I am teh runner-up.
Wooh! I am coming clean now. I posted as anonymous because I was quite drunk and wasn't sure whether I'd regret telling that story in the morning. But I don't.
It was a hilariously shit Xmas.
Anyway, I am so proud that I have scored on your blog with my grape bumblebee AND my Xmas story that I am going to reverse the rules and send YOU a prize.
I love you Belgian Waffle.

Jaywalker said...

Ah shit Pochyemu. You are right. I owe Potty Mummy a prize too, but since i'm off to the special ring of post office hell tomorrow with grit's prize, I promise you'll get yours...

Anon I - prizes might help? If you can bear it.

Amy -welcome. The holidays are terrifying. I totally agree.

Grit - it was totally deserved. i look forward to seeing the cabbage..

Peevish - I agree. These stories had to be told.

Katyboo - I am glad you agree. The harp is a creepy instrument, to be sure..

Iheart - Oh god. That reminds me of Christmas with the CFO's crazed aunt who mistook a chicken leg for her fork and spent the evening trying to eat with it. I had supresssed that memory. Also, oh god. That was a good late entry.

DCup - it's almost a public service isn't it?

Helena - I guessed it was you, but decided against outing you! You are a multiple belgian waffle winner! Peevish, watch out for your shiny waffle crown...

Helena said...

Bah! You guessed? Was it my massive over-use of commas?

Pearl said...

The competition was fierce and I totally agree with your choice in winner.

The story of the elderly woman retching into a glass at the table and carrying on as if nothing had happened, though... Yikes! That one's going to stick with me for a while...


Mr Farty said...

A worthy winner indeed.


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